I fear, with him as law attorney, my case will go more wrong...And then they assign you Tree as a defence attorney
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Now This Just Isn't Funny
- Thread starter admihoek
- Start date
RacingRodent
Consul
Meanwhile Marcius will be taking up the role of Macavity in a travelling show near you
bellesouth
Magistrate
Surely in any decent society the job of a defence lawyer is not to prove innocence but to merely mitigate the sentence.
PS - I do jest ............ I think.
I take it you are not aware of Attorney Tree’s won lost record. Defendants acquitted 0 .... found guilty 174 ... sentenced to death by crucifixion 123 ... by hanging 48 ... by other means ... whatever is left.
bellesouth
Magistrate
Now there's a thought. Would being confined in a room for a month with a dozen naked women be too cruel Death came to Atilla with just one.
It's a unique balance sheet! And everyone client will it made remarkabler.
LittleSiss
Sorceress
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ranger1
Magistrate
A crook "by any other name" ....
old slave
FELIS RESPICIENS
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
bellesouth
Magistrate
Some more one liners, mostly donated by Ted (aka husband) -
A letter from a worried patient –
Sir. I have to visit the dentist for an extraction. Not caring for anaesthetics, will it help if I put myself into an hypnotic trance?
Editorial reply – Most certainly. It is the best way to transcend dental medication.
“I say Watson – let’s open an exhibition!”
“An exhibition? Ideal Holmes.”
Have you heard about the insurance agent who claimed his biggest successes were with young housewives who weren’t adequately covered?
Do you play dirty records on a pornograph? Yes, but not too lewdly.
Have you heard about the Sultan who arrived home unexpectedly causing his wife to let out a terrified sheik?
There was this little boy who asked his Mother how lions made love. “I don’t know dear,” she replied. “Most of your Father’s friends are Rotarians.”
Apologies for the age of some of the above. I would get out more but it's a bit difficult when nailed to a cross.
A letter from a worried patient –
Sir. I have to visit the dentist for an extraction. Not caring for anaesthetics, will it help if I put myself into an hypnotic trance?
Editorial reply – Most certainly. It is the best way to transcend dental medication.
“I say Watson – let’s open an exhibition!”
“An exhibition? Ideal Holmes.”
Have you heard about the insurance agent who claimed his biggest successes were with young housewives who weren’t adequately covered?
Do you play dirty records on a pornograph? Yes, but not too lewdly.
Have you heard about the Sultan who arrived home unexpectedly causing his wife to let out a terrified sheik?
There was this little boy who asked his Mother how lions made love. “I don’t know dear,” she replied. “Most of your Father’s friends are Rotarians.”
Apologies for the age of some of the above. I would get out more but it's a bit difficult when nailed to a cross.
No need to apologise. I quite liked the one with the Rotarians.
I wonder when they get push buttons.
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
Doctor to patient : "After having examined you, I have to tell you that your condition is terrible! I am afraid there is little to do about!"
Patient : "Tell me, doctor, how long do I have to live!?"
Doctor : "Ten!"
Patient : "Ten!? Ten what, doctor? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?"
Doctor : "Six! Five! Four! Three!......"
Patient : "Tell me, doctor, how long do I have to live!?"
Doctor : "Ten!"
Patient : "Ten!? Ten what, doctor? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?"
Doctor : "Six! Five! Four! Three!......"
Which cage?Most of Ken Dodd's jokes (died today in Knotty Ash)
only sounded funny because of the way he told them,
but here's one that bears repeating:
"At school I was the teacher's pet.
I was kept in a cage at the back of the classroom."
