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She Is Not A Witch!

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I put two and two together, finally. “Jolly, you’ve turned every cat in the region into extremely confused people!”
Ooops! An unexpected side-effect of the spell? :confused:

“Lox! O Lox-U-Ru!” Barb put on her most enticing voice. “It’s me, Barb!”

Lox instantly forgot about washing his bits, and leapt to his feet. “Barbie? Is that you?”

“Just ‘Barb’, but yes, it is.”

He started to rub around her. “It’s happened to you, too, has it? Any chance of a shag?”

Oh shit! A more than unexpected side effect!:eek::eek::eek:
Although, from this new viewpoint, Barbie - I mean : Barb - looks well too! :rolleyes:
Conn and that so-called husband of her will be no match for this old but seasoned tomcat's tricks!:firedevil:
 
“Just ‘Barb’, if you don’t mind!” She, in her turn, bent over, and sniffed his genitals. “Conn!” Then she wrinkled her nose. “Phew! You’re a bit ripe down there!”

Ewwwwwwwww :confused:

“Lox! O Lox-U-Ru!” Barb put on her most enticing voice. “It’s me, Barb!”

Lox instantly forgot about washing his bits, and leapt to his feet. “Barbie? Is that you?”

I need to patent that most enticing voice ;)

“He’s that nasty ginger tom from Foreman’s farm. Watch out for him!” Barb took charge. “Lox, Conn, round up as many of your mates as you can find, and get yourselves to the town square. John, Jolly – let’s go!”

Yay! The rebel leader is taking charge! What could possibly be wrong?:facepalm:
 
“Come on! There’s not a moment to lose!” Jolly looked panic stricken,
Sensible reaction. Quick on the uptake, me. :cool::eek:

“As a matter of fact, I was just giving the old tackle a good wash, when, ‘pouf!’ I turned into a man! And the worst of it is, I can’t reach any more!” He looked hopefully at Barb. “I don’t suppose….”

“You ‘don’t suppose’ correctly! Use soap and water, like a proper human!”

“I’m not a proper human! I’m a cat! Humans haven’t got a clue how to clean themselves! Look!”
Bugger! - to coin a phrase. :eek::confused::oops:

I put two and two together, finally. “Jolly, you’ve turned every cat in the region into extremely confused people!”
Really? What an incisive observation skill you do have. :rolleyes::doh::doh:


“Lox, Conn, round up as many of your mates as you can find, and get yourselves to the town square. John, Jolly – let’s go!”
Right. Us and an army of ex-tomcats.
So, once we rescue the girls, will we have to, er, rescue the girls?:confused::cat::b2::eek::devil:

Great stuff, Wragg. A beautifully funny cat-astrophe.
:duke:
 
Great Wragg. Am totally enjoying this little tale. Have semi-serious question to ask, but will wait until the conclusion. And, the next installment will be soon?

Thanks Horseman!

You might get a semi serious answer... ;)

Yes, hopefully I won't keep you waiting too long for part the next...
 
A few moments after lift-off, I realised that we weren’t headed for the town. I tapped Barb on the shoulder.

“You’re going the wrong way, Barb! The town is off to our left!”

“Oh, so it is, thanks John! I never would have worked that out! Do you want to try your hand at flying this?” Barb had turned heavy sarcasm into high art. I fell silent, as Barb began to descend towards a smallholding.

We landed, and Jolly dismounted, running over to knock on a door. It opened to reveal….

“Bob!” I exclaimed, delighted.

“Hullo, Jolly! Wragg! Barb! You’re not a cat any more! I’d know if you were, I’d be sneezing!”

Bob’s cat allergy was famed throughout the region. Sneezing, hives – you name it, it happened to him if he got near a cat, which had made life difficult when his niece, Missy, was turned into one.

But this was his only known defect. Apart from his cat allergy, Bob was as solid as a rock. Nothing rattled him. If you have a crisis on your hands, Bob’s the man to have covering your back. I completely understood the thinking behind Barb’s detour - Bob embodied good, solid reinforcement for our tiny band.

“Bob – we have to move fast!” Barb jabbed her thumb towards me. “His infernal mother has Eulalia, Kathy, and your niece under the control of her minions, and we think Jolly may have, um, inadvertently turned them back into women in front of them.”

Jolly looked embarrassed. “Sorry, Bob, these things happen, you know.”

Bob needed no second bidding. “Right! Count me in!” In a heartbeat he’d fetched his broom and all three brooms were airborne.

The flight to the town took barely five minutes but when we got there my heart sank. Briggs and the three women were all naked, and were all stood on stools under a gallows with ropes around their necks. And the short notice given for their execution hadn’t prevented a large crowd from gathering around.

And this time my mother looked up and saw us.

The gloves were off. Despite all the watching townspeople she threw a curse which struck Jolly’s broom amidships. Instantly it changed from a vehicle for aerial transport into an item of domestic cleaning equipment which just happened to be a hundred feet in the air with a somewhat unfortunate young man sitting on it.

Jolly and broom crashed to the ground in the churchyard. Barb and I, and Bob landed beside him.

“Jolly! Are you OK?”

Jolly was not OK. He was bloody furious, and, if it could have communicated its feeling, the hawthorn hedge he’d landed in wasn’t feeling too chipper, either. Only the broom was at all pleased about the situation, having previously considered that its use as an aircraft was a gross abuse of its rights.

“Owwww! This hedge is prickly! Ooowwww!”

With some difficulty we extracted him from the hedge. “Can you walk?” asked Bob.

“You betcha. Come on, I have a bone to pick with your mother, Wragg!”

I still hadn’t got used to my mother being the villain, though I could admit that I may have given a little bit too much weight to the quality of her cakes when balancing out her strengths and weaknesses – and if she really had killed my father….”

We legged it out of the churchyard to the town square. We fought our way to the front of the crowd, to where the parson was droning out one of his interminable prayers while Eul, Missy, Kathy and Briggs shivered on their stools.

“…and we pray, O Merciful God, that you would have mercy upon the souls of these miserable sinners, rescuing them from the pit of eternal fire which is their rightful destiny….”

“Oh cut it out, you self-righteous prig!” Barb, as always, rushed in where angels fear to tread. “Let those people go! You know they are innocent!”

“I know of no such thing!” the Judge replied. “They have been convicted of witchcraft, and so have you! Seize her!”

A couple of guards, armed with pikestaffs, stepped forward, but Bob and Jolly were having none of that. A couple of well-aimed spells and the two guards lay stone dead. I hid behind Barb, as the rest of the crowd, seeing such magic, shrieked in terror and began to run.

But I watched in total horror as my mother – my own mother – walked along behind those stools and kicked them out, leaving Barb’s four friends kicking and retching in mid-air as the ropes bit into their necks. And every spell that Barb and the others threw at her as she did so was nonchalantly parried.

I could not see how this would end well…



To be continued
 
Barb had turned heavy sarcasm into high art.
Art? Moore's an artist now? I think the one that's high is you, Wragg...;)
But I watched in total horror as my mother – my own mother – walked along behind those stools and kicked them out, leaving Barb’s four friends kicking and retching in mid-air as the ropes bit into their necks. And every spell that Barb and the others threw at her as she did so was nonchalantly parried.

I could not see how this would end well…
Short drop gives you a good 15 min or so. Prepare the SWAT team!!!
 
“Bob!” I exclaimed, delighted.

“Hullo, Jolly! Wragg! Barb! You’re not a cat any more!
Hurrah! Bob's in!:clapping::headbang: Everything will be fine now...I hope. And he's already exercising those incisive powers of observation for which he is so rightly famous.:rolleyes: I feel more confident already.:confused::D

Apart from his cat allergy, Bob was as solid as a rock. Nothing rattled him. If you have a crisis on your hands, Bob’s the man to have covering your back.
All good. We all seem to agree on that. :cool::beer:
and we think Jolly may have, um, inadvertently turned them back into women in front of them.”

Jolly looked embarrassed. “Sorry, Bob, these things happen, you know.”
Yeah, sorry. I keep having to apologise for that. My bad. :eek::oops::facepalm:
Can we get on? :rolleyes:
she threw a curse which struck Jolly’s broom amidships. Instantly it changed from a vehicle for aerial transport into an item of domestic cleaning equipment which just happened to be a hundred feet in the air with a somewhat unfortunate young man sitting on it.

Jolly and broom crashed to the ground in the churchyard. Barb and I, and Bob landed beside him.
May I just say, Johnny Wragg, that I am developing a sincere dislike for your mother. :eek::mad::mad::confused::doh:
“Jolly! Are you OK?”
What does it look like!!?
Jolly was not OK. He was bloody furious, and, if it could have communicated its feeling, the hawthorn hedge he’d landed in wasn’t feeling too chipper, either.
See? And while your concern about the health of the hawthorns is laudable, if one is a botanist, I am a slightly banged up sorcerer.
“You betcha. Come on, I have a bone to pick with your mother, Wragg!”
With bloody bells on!!:mad::mad:
“Oh cut it out, you self-righteous prig!” Barb, as always, rushed in where angels fear to tread.
What a girl! I often feel this way in church. :D
But I watched in total horror as my mother – my own mother – walked along behind those stools and kicked them out, leaving Barb’s four friends kicking and retching in mid-air as the ropes bit into their necks.
She is NOT a nice woman, your mum!:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad: About when will we pick our bone with her, then? :confused::eek:
And every spell that Barb and the others threw at her as she did so was nonchalantly parried.
I could not see how this would end well…
A tough nut to crack here. She's got a few magical skills. Best put on our think caps, and that right smartly, eh? :eek::eek::eek::eek::doh:

Perhaps if magic doesn't work, we need something conventional. Anyone have a siege engine?

Great fun, Wragg. I'm sure I'll get in the swing of things again as soon as I pull out these hawthorn prickles. Does Bob have any clever ideas?
 
“Bob!” I exclaimed, delighted.
Likewise, Wragg, old boy. Glad you caught up with me. :)
Hurrah! Bob's in!:clapping::headbang: Everything will be fine now...I hope. And he's already exercising those incisive powers of observation for which he is so rightly famous.:rolleyes: I feel more confident already.:confused::D
I'm just trying to think of something appropriately witty to say... :D
Does Bob have any clever ideas?
Well, maybe drop a hint to the Prosecution that their star witness is behaving rather like... well, a witch? :eek::confused:
 
This business of Barb taking charge and us following her was all very well, but by anybody’s reckoning we were in it up to our necks. As the crowd retired to a safer distance the odds against us became all too clear. There were four of us, three of whom were clearly competent with spells, but the fourth, namely me, could barely spell ‘cat’. Sure, Briggs, Eul, Missy, and Kathy were on our side, but at this moment, twisting and kicking on their gallows, they clearly had other things on their mind.

Jolly and Bob had taken out two of the men at arms, but at least a dozen remained, and, as the Parson and the Judge threw spells in our direction, which Barb had to parry, it became clear that what I was facing here was one coven against another, and the other seemed to hold the ace cards.

“Seize them!” roared the judge again, and, slightly reluctantly, the men at arms began to advance towards us.

“Parson,” muttered Barb. “3,2,1, now!”

Three spells simultaneously struck the Parson, who flew at least twenty yards backwards and landed very heavily indeed on a fruit stall. He, too, appeared to lose all interest in proceedings, but Barb had been left dreadfully exposed to my mother who threw her backwards. Happily, as previously related, I had decided that a position behind Barb had some advantages, one of which was that I was able to catch her, though we both went down.

“You OK, Barb?”

“Yes… she’s playing with us. She wants us to watch them die, and then she wants to kill us herself. Slowly. Doesn’t your mother have any weaknesses?”

“Umm, she’s quite partial to cinnamon buns,” I offered, trying to be helpful.

“Idiot!” Barb got up, and threw a spell at the Men at Arms, which took down at least four of them.

Somehow, God only knew how, Eulalia found her voice.

“John…Wragg!” she croaked.

“Yes, Eulalia?” I replied, but she couldn’t answer, and at that moment Lox and Conn arrived, together with about ten of their ex-cat chums (including several very pretty girls, none of whom had a stitch on), and things got a bit busy. Lox brought down a man at arms, and Conn helpfully removed his helmet, before clouting him over the head with it.

The arrival of the ex-cats kept the men at arms busy, and divided the fire from the Judge and my mother, but we were still getting nowhere. Bob threw a bolt at my mother, which simply diverted around her and landed in a barrel of apples. Other than contributing a delicious smell of baked apple, we were no further forward.

But Bob was a man of thought, as well as a man of action. “Of course!” he exclaimed.

“What?” Barb was exchanging bolts with the judge.

“’John Wragg’! Eulalia was telling us the answer! Eliza Wragg’s weakness is her son, John Wragg!”

Up on the gallows, despite her distress, Eulalia smiled.

“Shit! Of course! The answer was under my nose! Jolly, Bob – can you cover me?”

“You bet!” Jolly looked grim. Bob, looking equally determined, just nodded.

I hadn’t got the slightest idea what they were on about. But to my utter astonishment, Barb turned her back on the action, and looked me full in the eyes.

Have I ever told you about Barb’s eyes? They are a deep hazel brown, and when you look into them, nothing else seems to matter.

“John Wragg, I love you!”

“You do? Well, I love you too, but, um, is this the time and place?”

“JOHN WRAGG! COME AWAY FROM THAT EVIL WOMAN!” My mother screeched at me, and threw a bolt at Barb that took all of Bob and Jolly’s combined strength to parry. “COME HERE!!!! NOW!!!”

“It is absolutely the time and place. We could all die soon, and I have no intention of dying without you knowing the depth of my desire!”

In nearly six years, she’d never acted like this. She reached up to her shoulders, and slipped her dress off. She stood there naked in front of everyone. I couldn’t help but get aroused. Wouldn’t you?

“GET AWAY FROM HER!! IT’S A TRICK!”

But I ignored my mother. I had no idea what was happening, but I knew I was enjoying it. Barb undressed me rapidly, urgently, and seconds later, we were in each other’s arms. I forgot any embarrassment in the sheer joy of having this amazing woman in my arms!

“KILL HER! SOMEBODY! KILL HER!!! AARGH!!”

Arms around my neck, legs around my waist, tongue almost down my throat, as I stood there, holding her, I felt her slide down onto my penis.

“Oh God! Oh John! Before I die, I want to feel you come inside me!”

“KILL HER!!!!”

This was all too much for me. Normally I made some effort to pace myself, to give pleasure as well as to receive it, but Barb had thrown every ounce of her sex appeal at me… and, well, you’ve got the idea by now. I’m only human.

“Barb! I love you more than life itself!” I groaned in ecstasy, as I experienced the best whole body orgasm that anyone has felt in the last 1000 years. I defy you to prove me wrong!

Barb leapt off me, bent down to retrieve her wand, and spun round to rejoin the battle, but she had already won it. Lox and Conn were beating the Judge’s head up and down on the pavement, my mother was laying on the ground, apparently dead, and Jolly and Bob were busy cutting Briggs, Eulalia, Missy, and Kathy down. The last remaining men at arms were disappearing into the distance hotly pursued by a horde of ex-cats.

I went over to my mother. She wasn’t dead. I was faintly relieved about that.

“Why, John? Why? How could you betray me with that….slut?”

“She is not a slut, mother. She is my wife and I love her. If you were a normal mother, instead of a selfish, scheming, loveless old hag, you would have seen that, and welcomed her into our family.”

“But… I love you!”

Barb came over, and took my hand. Eul, Missy, and Kathy, rubbing their necks painfully, joined us.

“You don’t love him, Eliza,” said Barb. “You don’t know the meaning of the word. And now, your hatred has destroyed you. Would you like to kill her, Eul?” She passed Eul her wand.

“Must you?” I asked. “She is, you know, my mother?”

“Of course not,” croaked Eul. She pointed Barb’s wand at my mother, and uttered something which, to me, was entirely incomprehensible. “There you are, Wragg. Look after her.”

“Miaow,” said Mother.

The End.
 
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