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Blessed are the Crucified

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Mark Kee

Magistrate
Here is the beginning of a little writing exercise I started that grew into something bigger than expected. I hope you enjoy it. Please feel free to comment, criticize, offer suggestions, etc. Of course, anyone posting truly negative comments will suffer the tortures of hell! No, not really.

Chapter One


As he walked around the pools of blood on the marble floor and gazed at the wretched bodies of the women who had put their faith in him as much as they had in God, Jack Morrow felt no guilt. He felt fear of capture and punishment by the law or being seized by a mad mob of citizens. But he felt no remorse for what he had done and no sympathy for the women who suffered and died so as to satisfy not only his carnal desires, but his intellectual curiosity. He had also developed a certain artistic aesthetic that compelled him to arrange everything, most specifically the naked bodies of the women, in a well balanced and eye pleasing tableau.

But now Jack knew he had little time to dawdle and think about such things. He had a much baser instinct to obey now: that of self preservation. He needed to set aside all thoughts of what had gone wrong and think clearly about what he needed to do. He needed to look forward and not get lost in the fog of memory where the images of each violent attack on the defenseless women remained sharp and pleasurable to recall. Not being a self-disciplined man by nature, he wanted to re-enter the trance-like bliss he had achieved watching his two loyal collaborators trembling, crying, writhing and screaming in their final agony.

It had begun with a simple thought experiment. Well, not an experiment, really, more of a day dream. He thought how lovely it would be to watch an attractive woman suffering as a demonstration of her faith. He also thought of how exciting it would be to break such a woman and make her renounce her faith. Perhaps with the right amount of pain and humiliation it could be done. It would be thrilling to inflict pain on these virtuous women and see them bear it for no other reason than to satisfy his exotic desires. It would also be a blow against religion, that corrupt cloud of noxious gas that had settled on society with its false promises of happiness in eternity, but not on earth. If these women were foolish enough to be swayed by colorful and ridiculous stories of salvation brought to them through the torture and killing of a man who lived centuries before in an obscure corner of the Roman empire, they should then be willing to experience at least a part of his suffering themselves. They should fully accept the price paid for their salvation. If they were too weak or lacked a sincere commitment to their faith, they would break at some point, renounce their faith and reveal their religious observances, their prayers and their sacrifices to have been nothing more than farce, a pitiful waste of life.

But, on further reflection, he realized he could not be the agent of her suffering. As much as he would have enjoyed it, he saw that carrying out the punishments himself would place him in a vulnerable position. If things should take an unexpected turn, a woman might denounce him to the police and accuse him of abusing her against her will. He would have no defense other than to call her a liar, but she would have wounds unlikely to have resulted from an accident and if there one defector, there would likely be another. What’s more, if the police in their investigation were to find certain books and certain exotic items kept locked in a trunk in his apartment home, then prosecutors could use that as evidence of foul debauchery, of evil lubricity and a corrupt spirit that went hand in hand with the commission of insane acts.

So, he decided early on that the safest and most rewarding avenue would be that of encouraging and leading women to torture themselves, to engage in mortification of the flesh as it was called. He would assist as their spiritual advisor, in the name of religious piety, something so removed from his own salacious life that the thought made him smile. Yet he saw a good opportunity to try his experiment with little or no risk. He only needed to work out the details of how to proceed.

First and foremost on his side was his considerable wealth. Money can buy a lot, including cooperation in carrying out a scheme. The fewer confidants he had, though, the better. He would need at least one woman accomplice to help him establish himself in the city so that young women would seek his spiritual guidance. The woman he had in mind was Mrs. Jennifer Morton, an old flame who had shared his libertine tendencies at an early age. She had in fact used her beauty and her lascivious entreaties to introduce him to some of the most outlandish and most pleasurable practices just as he entered puberty.

When he first knew her, she was still in school and her name was Jennifer Lauderdale. She was the friend of his older sister, Anne. Although Jack was then naive and boyish and Jennifer two years older and wise to the ways of the world, they had a mutual attraction. She took every opportunity to spend time with him and soon began caressing him and kissing him in a manner he had never seen or heard of before. At first, he was bothered by it and tried to pull away, but as nature’s maturing process continued and the male hormones raced through his blood, he warmed to her caresses and was willing to do whatever she asked to bring both of them pleasure.

For the first month or so, with opportunities taken only at intervals when it was possible to do so in private, Jennifer and he engaged in playful activities that provided only brief glimpses of the prurient underworld into which she would eventually take him. Then one night she invited him to hide in a closet in the room she occupied while staying as a guest in his home so that he could witness a moment of extraordinary pleasure that involved not him, but his sister, his only sibling.

For nearly an hour he waited in the stuffy closet with only a small peephole to examine the world outside. Then Jennifer and his sister Anne entered the room together. They carried on some light conversation, but he could tell something more urgent and more powerful lay beneath their polite chatter. Suddenly, his sister rushed to Jennifer and grasped her face with her two hands. Then she pulled her head close and they engaged in kissing and licking while the breath of each woman became faster and stronger. At last, Jennifer with a quick, wicked glance towards the closet dropped to her knees and lifted her lover’s skirt. She then buried her face in that place below her belly of which he had known nothing only a matter of weeks prior to this.

Through Jennifer he would soon learn much more about that and many other things far from the path taken by the so-called “normal people.” His most significant detour from the accepted path happened the night that he watched Jennifer and Anne’s lovemaking from his hiding place. He saw his sister fall back on the bed, pulling her clothes off as Jennifer continued licking her down below. After some time, she called him out of the closet. His sister reacted with shock and started to voice a complaint, but Jennifer slapped her face and grabbed her breasts with her hands and twisted them cruelly.

“You will not object, my dear,” she said through clenched teeth. “You will do exactly as you are told. Your brother is in need of education and you and I are going to give it to him tonight.”

His sister stared at her in shock and horror. But Jennifer was strong and very swift in her actions. She grabbed a long stocking from the floor and used it to tie Anne’s hands to the heavy wooden bed post. Then she spread his female sibling’s legs so that he could see what had been hidden from him all these years by petticoats and skirts. She moved a lamp so that it would better illuminate the area and invited him to touch the flesh and explore it. He saw his sister flinch as he put his fingers inside her and felt about. He also saw a look in her eyes he had never seen before. She was breathing heavy again and seemed to have no objection to what he was doing. After a while, Jennifer invited him to do what she had done.

Somehow the idea of doing this to his own sister, the flagrant incestuousness of it all, made him mad with desire. He stuck his tongue in her cunt and heard her moan with pleasure. Soon Jennifer pulled him away and pulled up her own skirt. He grabbed her buttocks and thrust his face into her crotch. Finally, his cock aching for relief, he pulled off his pants and following Jennifer’s guiding hand, slipped it into her. She moaned with pleasure as he moved it in and out, but the moment did not last long.

Jennifer patted his head and said he shouldn’t worry, that as he got older and more experienced he would learn how to hold off his orgasm and enjoy the coupling more. He remembered having no concern about that because he had enjoyed the whole experience very much. It did not occur to him that it was she who had been neglected by his rush to satisfaction. He then helped Jennifer untie his poor sister, who regarded him with a look of fear mixed with disgust.

“You must not be angry, my love, “ Jennifer told her. “You will see that this night will always be remembered by you both as something profoundly important in your education.”

Although he had gained more affection for his sister as a result of the experience, in the days ahead she avoided him and could not bear to have him near. She even refused to speak his name. Eventually she married and moved to another city. Years later, when he was finishing college and she was visiting their parents in their home, he and Anne confronted each other again. This time was different, though. She took his hand and walked with him to the garden where she told him that she loved him as a brother and always would. She realized how young he was when her friend Jennifer had corrupted him and she felt partly to blame for it. He consoled her and told her there was nothing to be ashamed of. He said he continued to love her as a sister and that, even though she was still a ravishing woman, he had no incestuous desire for her. She smiled and they hugged. Then she departed and he had not seen her again since that time.

But Jennifer came in and out of his life numerous times after that. One night he was at a large party in a wealthy man’s mansion and he felt a hand reach from behind and then move down his pants over his genitals. Startled, he jumped and turned around quickly. There was Jennifer laughing and looking as ravishing as ever. They embraced and she told him of her latest adventures. That was the night she told him she would soon be engaged to a very wealthy merchant and that, as a respectable lady, she would have to give up most of her lubricious behavior. She spoke of what a fine man her future husband was and how the life of luxury he could provide her would more than compensate for the loss of her libertine lifestyle. Then she took him by the hand into a dark corner where she fell on her knees before him and used her mouth to provide him with yet another memorable experience.

After her marriage, though, Jennifer had converted herself into a lady in good standing with the upper middle class society of which she was now a part. He saw little of her after that, for, although he had a good amount of wealth himself thanks to an inheritance, he was not on her level. He let her go and went on with his life enriched by the passionate memories of what she had done with him and for him.

But now the time had come to see Jennifer again, for he regarded her as the only person who might be capable of helping him and be willing to do so. He knew there was a chance that she would spurn him and act disgusted by his proposal, but he thought it was more likely that she had never been able to fully suppress her natural animal instincts. He would know the moment he saw a certain smile appear on her face.
 
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An interesting idea. It would be more readable if you inserted a line space between each paragraph.
And Madiosi will always erasing the space lines later. :firedevil:
But Windar's advice are good for reading on a screen. With shorter lines in a book and a indentation, no more needed. Follow his advice, please!
 
Here is the beginning of a little writing exercise I started that grew into something bigger than expected. I hope you enjoy it. Please feel free to comment, criticize, offer suggestions, etc. Of course, anyone posting truly negative comments will suffer the tortures of hell! No, not really.

Chapter One


As he walked around the pools of blood on the marble floor and gazed at the wretched bodies of the women who had put their faith in him as much as they had in God, Jack Morrow felt no guilt. He felt fear of capture and punishment by the law or being seized by a mad mob of citizens. But he felt no remorse for what he had done and no sympathy for the women who suffered and died so as to satisfy not only his carnal desires, but his intellectual curiosity. He had also developed a certain artistic aesthetic that compelled him to arrange everything, most specifically the naked bodies of the women, in a well balanced and eye pleasing tableau.

But now Jack knew he had little time to dawdle and think about such things. He had a much baser instinct to obey now: that of self preservation. He needed to set aside all thoughts of what had gone wrong and think clearly about what he needed to do. He needed to look forward and not get lost in the fog of memory where the images of each violent attack on the defenseless women remained sharp and pleasurable to recall. Not being a self-disciplined man by nature, he wanted to re-enter the trance-like bliss he had achieved watching his two loyal collaborators trembling, crying, writhing and screaming in their final agony.

It had begun with a simple thought experiment. Well, not an experiment, really, more of a day dream. He thought how lovely it would be to watch an attractive woman suffering as a demonstration of her faith. He also thought of how exciting it would be to break such a woman and make her renounce her faith. Perhaps with the right amount of pain and humiliation it could be done. It would be thrilling to inflict pain on these virtuous women and see them bear it for no other reason than to satisfy his exotic desires. It would also be a blow against religion, that corrupt cloud of noxious gas that had settled on society with its false promises of happiness in eternity, but not on earth. If these women were foolish enough to be swayed by colorful and ridiculous stories of salvation brought to them through the torture and killing of a man who lived centuries before in an obscure corner of the Roman empire, they should then be willing to experience at least a part of his suffering themselves. They should fully accept the price paid for their salvation. If they were too weak or lacked a sincere commitment to their faith, they would break at some point, renounce their faith and reveal their religious observances, their prayers and their sacrifices to have been nothing more than farce, a pitiful waste of life.

But, on further reflection, he realized he could not be the agent of her suffering. As much as he would have enjoyed it, he saw that carrying out the punishments himself would place him in a vulnerable position. If things should take an unexpected turn, a woman might denounce him to the police and accuse him of abusing her against her will. He would have no defense other than to call her a liar, but she would have wounds unlikely to have resulted from an accident and if there one defector, there would likely be another. What’s more, if the police in their investigation were to find certain books and certain exotic items kept locked in a trunk in his apartment home, then prosecutors could use that as evidence of foul debauchery, of evil lubricity and a corrupt spirit that went hand in hand with the commission of insane acts.

So, he decided early on that the safest and most rewarding avenue would be that of encouraging and leading women to torture themselves, to engage in mortification of the flesh as it was called. He would assist as their spiritual advisor, in the name of religious piety, something so removed from his own salacious life that the thought made him smile. Yet he saw a good opportunity to try his experiment with little or no risk. He only needed to work out the details of how to proceed.

First and foremost on his side was his considerable wealth. Money can buy a lot, including cooperation in carrying out a scheme. The fewer confidants he had, though, the better. He would need at least one woman accomplice to help him establish himself in the city so that young women would seek his spiritual guidance. The woman he had in mind was Mrs. Jennifer Morton, an old flame who had shared his libertine tendencies at an early age. She had in fact used her beauty and her lascivious entreaties to introduce him to some of the most outlandish and most pleasurable practices just as he entered puberty.

When he first knew her, she was still in school and her name was Jennifer Lauderdale. She was the friend of his older sister, Anne. Although Jack was then naive and boyish and Jennifer two years older and wise to the ways of the world, they had a mutual attraction. She took every opportunity to spend time with him and soon began caressing him and kissing him in a manner he had never seen or heard of before. At first, he was bothered by it and tried to pull away, but as nature’s maturing process continued and the male hormones raced through his blood, he warmed to her caresses and was willing to do whatever she asked to bring both of them pleasure.

For the first month or so, with opportunities taken only at intervals when it was possible to do so in private, Jennifer and he engaged in playful activities that provided only brief glimpses of the prurient underworld into which she would eventually take him. Then one night she invited him to hide in a closet in the room she occupied while staying as a guest in his home so that he could witness a moment of extraordinary pleasure that involved not him, but his sister, his only sibling.

For nearly an hour he waited in the stuffy closet with only a small peephole to examine the world outside. Then Jennifer and his sister Anne entered the room together. They carried on some light conversation, but he could tell something more urgent and more powerful lay beneath their polite chatter. Suddenly, his sister rushed to Jennifer and grasped her face with her two hands. Then she pulled her head close and they engaged in kissing and licking while the breath of each woman became faster and stronger. At last, Jennifer with a quick, wicked glance towards the closet dropped to her knees and lifted her lover’s skirt. She then buried her face in that place below her belly of which he had known nothing only a matter of weeks prior to this.

Through Jennifer he would soon learn much more about that and many other things far from the path taken by the so-called “normal people.” His most significant detour from the accepted path happened the night that he watched Jennifer and Anne’s lovemaking from his hiding place. He saw his sister fall back on the bed, pulling her clothes off as Jennifer continued licking her down below. After some time, she called him out of the closet. His sister reacted with shock and started to voice a complaint, but Jennifer slapped her face and grabbed her breasts with her hands and twisted them cruelly.

“You will not object, my dear,” she said through clenched teeth. “You will do exactly as you are told. Your brother is in need of education and you and I are going to give it to him tonight.”

His sister stared at her in shock and horror. But Jennifer was strong and very swift in her actions. She grabbed a long stocking from the floor and used it to tie Anne’s hands to the heavy wooden bed post. Then she spread his female sibling’s legs so that he could see what had been hidden from him all these years by petticoats and skirts. She moved a lamp so that it would better illuminate the area and invited him to touch the flesh and explore it. He saw his sister flinch as he put his fingers inside her and felt about. He also saw a look in her eyes he had never seen before. She was breathing heavy again and seemed to have no objection to what he was doing. After a while, Jennifer invited him to do what she had done.

Somehow the idea of doing this to his own sister, the flagrant incestuousness of it all, made him mad with desire. He stuck his tongue in her cunt and heard her moan with pleasure. Soon Jennifer pulled him away and pulled up her own skirt. He grabbed her buttocks and thrust his face into her crotch. Finally, his cock aching for relief, he pulled off his pants and following Jennifer’s guiding hand, slipped it into her. She moaned with pleasure as he moved it in and out, but the moment did not last long.

Jennifer patted his head and said he shouldn’t worry, that as he got older and more experienced he would learn how to hold off his orgasm and enjoy the coupling more. He remembered having no concern about that because he had enjoyed the whole experience very much. It did not occur to him that it was she who had been neglected by his rush to satisfaction. He then helped Jennifer untie his poor sister, who regarded him with a look of fear mixed with disgust.

“You must not be angry, my love, “ Jennifer told her. “You will see that this night will always be remembered by you both as something profoundly important in your education.”

Although he had gained more affection for his sister as a result of the experience, in the days ahead she avoided him and could not bear to have him near. She even refused to speak his name. Eventually she married and moved to another city. Years later, when he was finishing college and she was visiting their parents in their home, he and Anne confronted each other again. This time was different, though. She took his hand and walked with him to the garden where she told him that she loved him as a brother and always would. She realized how young he was when her friend Jennifer had corrupted him and she felt partly to blame for it. He consoled her and told her there was nothing to be ashamed of. He said he continued to love her as a sister and that, even though she was still a ravishing woman, he had no incestuous desire for her. She smiled and they hugged. Then she departed and he had not seen her again since that time.

But Jennifer came in and out of his life numerous times after that. One night he was at a large party in a wealthy man’s mansion and he felt a hand reach from behind and then move down his pants over his genitals. Startled, he jumped and turned around quickly. There was Jennifer laughing and looking as ravishing as ever. They embraced and she told him of her latest adventures. That was the night she told him she would soon be engaged to a very wealthy merchant and that, as a respectable lady, she would have to give up most of her lubricious behavior. She spoke of what a fine man her future husband was and how the life of luxury he could provide her would more than compensate for the loss of her libertine lifestyle. Then she took him by the hand into a dark corner where she fell on her knees before him and used her mouth to provide him with yet another memorable experience.

After her marriage, though, Jennifer had converted herself into a lady in good standing with the upper middle class society of which she was now a part. He saw little of her after that, for, although he had a good amount of wealth himself thanks to an inheritance, he was not on her level. He let her go and went on with his life enriched by the passionate memories of what she had done with him and for him.

But now the time had come to see Jennifer again, for he regarded her as the only person who might be capable of helping him and be willing to do so. He knew there was a chance that she would spurn him and act disgusted by his proposal, but he thought it was more likely that she had never been able to fully suppress her natural animal instincts. He would know the moment he saw a certain smile appear on her face.

Good set up. It will be interesting to see where this story goes from here.
 
No you didn’t. Happens to me all the time when transferring from Word. You just have to go through and fix it.
Barb1, Thank you again for your help. I am going to post Chapter Two now, since it appears I have aroused some hunger for it. In this part Jack visits Jennifer and outlines his sick, twisted plan. I have a feeling you will like it.
 
Chapter Two

It was a beautiful sunny afternoon when Jack Morrow set out walking through the streets to locate the impressively large home of Mrs. Jennifer Morton. He had contacted her asking for a meeting, providing no details. She, of course, he thought, would be filled with curiosity, wanting to know what he had been doing all these months since they had last seen each other and wondering if he might still maintain his lust for her. It was an egoistic delusion he knew, but he could not help thinking of that night when his manhood was in her mouth.

When he arrived at her door a servant led him in and he gazed at the stylish decorations and fine furniture inside the large house. The servant took him to a room at the opposite end of the house that was decorated with many fine paintings. In the center of the room there was a large table holding baskets of fruit. On the opposite side of the door through which he had entered there were large French doors that opened to a luxurious garden and just in front of those doors was a chaise lounge on which sat the still lovely Jennifer.

He maintained the decorum expected in such social circles and only took her hand. She looked at him with a glowing smile, her face glowing as beautiful as it had always been. Her form seemed slightly plumper than it had been, probably because of all the fine food her husband provided at their dinner table. She greeted him courteously and then flashed one of the wicked smiles he remembered so well. He immediately felt something growing plumper in his pants.

“What has brought you here to visit me in my home after ignoring me for so long?” she asked.
He didn’t want to mention his request right away, so he tried to banter a bit about his studies and how he acquired his fortune. He spoke wistfully of those years long past when he, she and his sister were so very young.

“I wanted to see you partly out of nostalgia,” he said, “but also because it weighed on me heavily that I had neglected to visit you before.”

“So, here you are to make amends,” she said with a sly grin.

A servant girl entered and set about cleaning some items on a nearby shelf.

“Yes, well, there is, ah, one other matter,” he stammered, glancing at the nearby servant. “It is such a lovely day, perhaps we might continue our conversation in your magnificent garden.”

Jennifer glanced at the servant and then turned back to him with a nod that indicated understanding and then they both rose and walked out into the warren of paths leading through various parts of the garden. The fragrance in the air made him almost dizzy and the sight of his companion with sunlight on her hair provoked in him a strong desire to ravage her right there and then. He gave little thought to her husband, whom he did not know, nor to the vows of marriage she had made. If he had the opportunity, he thought, he would tear off her clothes and lick her all over.

“Here,” she said as they approached a stone bench large enough for two. “We shall have our privacy here and you can tell me your deep, dark secrets.”

She giggled a bit like the adolescent girl she had once been. And he became more confident that she would be open to his wicked scheme.

He briefly outlined his idea and then told her he would need help in procuring such women and making sure that they would not be outraged enough by his proposal to make a scandal out of it. She listened intently and then asked how he planned to relieve himself of the overwhelming lust that this experience would create in him. He could not rape the women for that would surely result in his being jailed and ruined. He could masturbate, she suggested, but that seemed a poor way to bring such a grand enterprise to an end. She cocked her head and looked at him with a certain superior expression that then melted into the face of a savage beast unable to conceal its great hunger.

He threw his arms around her and kissed her mouth, feeling her soft warm lips and her agitated tongue. One of her hands grabbed at his crotch and found the stiff bulge it had been seeking. She bit his ear and sent heavy, hot breaths down his neck. But, after a few seconds, she pushed him back and moved a bit away from him. His face was flushed and his desire was strong, but reason informed him that this was not the time or the place for a tryst with this married woman.

“Here is what I demand,” she said, as if involved in a business negotiation. “I will help you find suitable women for your experiments and I will also avail myself to you once their suffering has ended and they have been sent on their way. You and I shall then enjoy each other, both of us having been stimulated by the humiliation and pain you have inflicted on these women.

“Wonderful!” he exclaimed. “But there is one thing I need to clarify; I will not inflict anything on them, I will induce them to inflict pain on themselves.”

She chuckled and shook her head.

“I have some doubts about your plan,” she said. “I think it will be hard for you not to engage in cruelties once you get started. I have some experience of my own with this. I had at least two lovers in my youth who were inferior to me in class and badly in need of money. I offered them healthy amounts of cash if they would perform certain acts in front of me. It gave me enormous pleasure at first, but then I was overcome by my desires and engaged in every type of debauchery with them.”

He sat stunned for a moment, but considered carefully the point she was making.

“Yes, I see,” he said. “So, you believe that I will eventually tire of having them torture themselves and proceed to torture them myself.”

She looked at him with a wry expression and then walked back along the path that led through rose bushes. He followed her and thought about what she had said. Then she turned and approached him again.

“I express no criticism of what you might do,” she said, “but I do feel you should be prepared for any contingency.”

They discussed the plan now in more detail and she suggested that she locate fine, pretty young women who were devout in their faith and yet had strayed from the path of morality in some fashion. She knew of at least one such case, she said. This woman, a master servant at a neighboring estate, had stolen a sum of money from a hidden drawer to help her son who was living in desperate poverty and unable to work because of a crippled leg. She planned to pay the money back, but feared that her theft would be discovered soon. She confessed to the priest, who, while drunk one afternoon, violated his vows and brought it to the attention of a good friend of the lady of the house where the woman was employed. This woman later mentioned the case to Jennifer.

It was difficult, she explained, because the woman was good in her work and seemingly loyal in every other way. She had the woman in question brought to her house where she confronted her with what she was accused of and then, with a more sisterly tone, advised her to seek another, more honorable, confessor. The woman shed tears and fell to her knees. But Jennifer consoled her and handed her the amount of money that would be needed to pay back what she had stolen. It was but a trifle for Jennifer, but it gave her power over this woman that she believed might be useful. She had long wondered what some of these landed gentry in the area thought of her and men like her husband whose wealth came from commerce, not inherited property and titles. The woman fulfilled her promise and regularly provided Jennifer with tidbits of conversations overheard.

This woman, she said, was somewhat stocky, but not large. She had pleasant green eyes and blonde hair. She suggested that she might be able to use what she knew as blackmail. Although she didn’t call it that. She called it “leverage.” He showed his approval of the idea and the plan was struck to carry out the initial encounter in a spare room in her house at a time when her husband would be away on a trip. She would instruct her servants to stay clear of that area of the house during the time that he carried out his experiment and to also stay away for some time afterward, when he would satisfy his aroused passions with her. It all seemed perfect.
 
The story concept is quite interesting and I'm enjoying reading it. Since you asked for suggestions, I would say the following. The second chapter starts out as a conversation, but midway through switches to a description of the conversation. Why not continue the conversation to the end as they develop their plan and Jennifer tells the story of the servant girl?

My other suggestion would be to have a look at some of the other story threads here and see how the other writers deal with chapters, paragraphs, story development, etc. That may help answer some of your questions.;)
 
But now the time had come to see Jennifer again, for he regarded her as the only person who might be capable of helping him and be willing to do so.
I do hope so. She sounds like such an interesting woman. Looking back at the blood in the opening foreshadowing paragraphs, one wonders what sort of help he wants. :confused:

Certainly a great set up chapter. Excellent use of language and scene. This will be one well worth watching, I think. :)
 
The story concept is quite interesting and I'm enjoying reading it. Since you asked for suggestions, I would say the following. The second chapter starts out as a conversation, but midway through switches to a description of the conversation. Why not continue the conversation to the end as they develop their plan and Jennifer tells the story of the servant girl?

My other suggestion would be to have a look at some of the other story threads here and see how the other writers deal with chapters, paragraphs, story development, etc. That may help answer some of your questions.;)

There are three narrative paragraphs at the beginning to set up the dialogue to follow and there are three more at the end to move the story forward and, with hope, tweak the reader's curiosity so that he or she will read the next chapter. But I see your point. The only problem with having too much dialogue is that it starts to look like a play. I like to include descriptive information to break it up a little. Thanks for the suggestion-- I will look at this more closely as I develop the next chapters.
 
You have a good turn of phrase and a rich vocabulary, but your writing lacks immediacy. I advise you to strive for greater directness of communication and a sharper and crisper narrative.

Thank you. I think what you are seeking is a more modern approach to the story, using the style used in thrillers and crime stories. I, however, was seeking to imitate to some extent the gothic novels of the 19th Century. It is also a somewhat dreamy fantasy and I don't expect anyone to find it realistic, even for a strange society in a past century. Nonetheless, in an effort to please my readers, I shall try to employ a little more crispiness in the narratives. As for directness of communication, I am not quite sure what that means. Would that be the communication between the characters?
 
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