Crucifitness (Cross Fit was taken)

[mp5stab]

(Please don’t take any of this seriously. Please use an actual workout routine. This is not medical advice. This is not even good advice.)

Are you a serious masochist? Fo you like working out, but hate how it’s not painful enough? Don’t you hate how it makes you live longer and feel healthier? Do you want to quickly take years off of your life, but not in ways that will make you ugly like overeating or alcoholism? Then I have the perfect exercise for you: Crucifixion!

Female crucifixion has roots as far back as ancient times, and may be one of the oldest contiually practiced olympic sports!

Hundreds of women from every country participated in last years summer games, where they were pitted head-to-head in their struggles to endure the cross. There were suprises, upsets, drug scandals, and permanent physical damage — everything an olympic sport needed! Unfortunately, most of them survived, and some of them have seen fit to volunteer for another shot at the crown of thorns. This year’s winter olympics is set to be the biggest yet, in terms of both athletes and audiences. Every woman who makes it past the prequalifying round is guaranteed a place, naked on a cross.

So, what does it take to be an olympian? What rigorous training do these women endure to survive as long as possible? We took a look at the weekly routine of some of the top picks of this year’s batch, and made a routine to best prepare for the cross.

(Feel free to tag in with stupid exercises)

 

[mp5stab]

Our first exercise is for the core: The hanging leg raise. I shouldn’t even have to tell you why this one should end every crucifixion workout! For added pain, add a little oblique twist to every rep. Having strong, resilient core muscles is crucial for a lasting crucifixion, and this hits them in exactly the position they’ll be stuck in!

 

[Barbaria1]

This year’s winter olympics is set to be the biggest yet, in terms of both athletes and audiences. Every woman who makes it past the prequalifying round is guaranteed a place, naked on a cross.

So, what does it take to be an olympian? What rigorous training do these women endure to survive as long as possible? We took a look at the weekly routine of some of the top picks of this year’s batch, and made a routine to best prepare for the cross.

Sign me up!

(Feel free to tag in with stupid exercises)

How about the "head loll"? .... practice letting your head drop to your chest, then to either side, then back against the wood (be careful not to knock yourself out). Practicing the "head loll" will strengthen your neck muscles and improve your performance on this all important feature of the crux dance ... sure to impress the judges.

 

[Cruxkilla]

We should really come back to this

 

[mp5stab]

I would be tempted to make it a whole thing, personally.

 

[mp5stab]

Here's a 5-day a week crucifixion-themed workout split for a woman, with a focus on pushing, pulling, hanging movements, carrying/dragging, and lower body work:

Monday: The Condemnation

1. Warm-up: 15 minutes of cardio
2. Push-ups or assisted push-ups: 3 sets of 8-10 reps, simulating the motion of being pushed down by the Roman soldiers during the mocking and having to get back up
3. Overhead Press: 3 sets of 12 reps, building strength in the shoulders, and endurance of the arms overhead
4. Chest Flies: 3 sets of 12 reps, building a chest that can enhance the size of the breasts
5. Tricep Dips: 3 sets of 12 reps, building strength in the arms for enduring the cross
6. Technique Work: Standing simulating the position of a t, holding your arms supinated for as long as you can, focusing on deep breathing and relaxation

Tuesday: The March to Calvary

1. Warm-up: 15 minutes of cardio
2. Walking Lunges: 3 sets of 20 reps, building leg strength for the long journey to Calvary
3. Squats: 3 sets of 12 reps, building leg strength for carrying the cross
4. Deadlifts: 3 sets of 12 reps, building strength in the back and legs for carrying the cross
5. Calf Raises: 3 sets of 12 reps, building endurance for the long journey
6. Technique Work: Standing on tiptoes, simulating the position of bearing the cross, holding for 3-4 minutes for 3 reps while focusing on breathing and balance

Wednesday: Rest Day

Thursday: The Crucifixion

1. Warm-up: 15 minutes of cardio
2. Assisted Chin-ups: 3 sets of 8-10 reps, simulating the motion of pulling oneself up on the cross
3. Lat Pulldowns: 3 sets of 12 reps, building strength in the back for enduring the crucifixion
4. Hanging Leg Raises: 3 sets of 12 reps, simulating the motion of twisting hips on the cross
5. Bicep Curls: 3 sets of 12 reps, building strength in the arms for pulling oneself up by nailed wrists
6. Technique Work: Hanging from a cross for 10-12 minutes, focusing on deep breaths and relaxation, preparing the mind and body for the crucifixion*

Friday: The Agony

1. Warm-up: 15 minutes of cardio
2. Farmer's Walk: 3 sets of 50 feet, simulating the burden of carrying the cross
3. Sled Drag: 3 sets of 50 feet, building leg strength and endurance for carrying the cross
4. Sandbag Carry: 3 sets of 50 feet, building strength for carrying the cross
5. Kettlebell Swings: 3 sets of 12 reps, building strength and endurance for carrying the cross
6. Technique Work: Lying on the ground, simulating the position of being crucified, focusing on deep breathing and relaxation

Saturday: The Struggle

1. Warm-up: 15 minutes of cardio
2. Cycling: 20 minutes, simulating the exhaustive process of crucifixion you have endured so far
3. Box Jumps: 3 sets of 12 reps, building leg strength and endurance for the cross
4. Leg Press: 3 sets of 12 reps, building leg strength for pushing yourself up the cross
5. Hip Thrusts: 3 sets of 12 reps, building core and glute strength for thrusting your body out in agony on the cross
6. Technique Work: Hanging from a cross for 10-12 minutes, focusing on deep breaths and relaxation, preparing the mind and body for the crucifixion*

Sunday: The Final Rest

*if you don't have a cross, a wall works fine, but may target different muscles if you are in the same pose.