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Horny The Unicorn

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Wragg

Chronicler of Crux
Staff member
Joined
Aug 31, 2011
Likes
54,327
Location
Blighty
#1
Wragg’s belly felt like a pot of writhing eels as he waited outside the office of Professor Phlebas the Purple, the respected but somewhat notorious Headmaster of Cruxwails School of Sorcery and Cruxology. In his trembling hand he held the results of his nail levels, a document upon which the grade D minus featured rather too often for his liking:

· Sorcery: D-

· Alchemy: C-

· Fortune telling: D

· Application of Justice: D -

· Carpentry: D-

· Stripping a victim: D-

· Flaggelation: D-

· Crucifixion Technique: ungradeable.

· Care of weird and frightening beasties: A-

· History of Crux: C-

· Chronicling: C+

Wragg suspected that Prof. Phlebas was unlikely to be impressed with these results. The future looked bleak. Looking on the bright side, he was OK with beasties, if he was lucky, he might get a career mucking out the stables of the Flying Horses of Lord Jollyrei of High Groaning, but more likely he’d finish up scrubbing the various body fluids out of the assorted terrifying items of furniture that graced the dungeons of the much-feared Castle Windar.

He consulted his watch for the fifteenth time in a minute, determined at least to be punctual, and to knock the door at ten o’clock precisely. He needn’t have bothered, for the whole building began to shake as the great clock started to get worked up into announcing that the hour of ten had come. With an almighty BONG!!!! the hour was struck, and Wragg timidly knocked the door. He was not heard; in fact he would not have been heard even if he had slammed on the door with a Jedakk Mark XVII cruxhammer, such was the racket the clock was making as it continued its inexorable path through the ten o’clock chimes. Eventually, it lapsed into silence, the dust began to settle, and Wragg tried knocking again.

There was a loud bang, a puff of purply-green smoke, and Wragg found himself translated into a new location in front of the largest desk he’d ever seen. Phlebas didn’t believe in saying ‘come in’, everything he did was spectacular.

Phlebas himself was spectacular. Seven feet tall if an inch, clad head to toe in silken purple, with long tresses of purply-grey hair cascading over purple shoulders, and a long purply-silver beard betraying his great age, his great wisdom, and his love of, well, purple.

Wragg gazed up into a pair of piercing purple eyes which peered sharply at him over a pair of half-moon purple spectacles.

“Ah. So you’re Wragg.” He made it sound like an accusation.

“Y-yes sir. W-ragg. That’s m-me, sir.”

“Let’s see those results!” Phlebas held out his hand, and Wragg passed the paper to him, as if it were his own death-warrant.

“Hmmm,” said Phlebas.

“I see what Primus Pilus meant,” said Phlebas.

“How did you manage to get a C minus for alchemy, given your total lack of ability in sorcery?” inquired Phlebas.

“Well, sir, I did manage to transform a lead ingot into an…”

“Go on.”

“An….”

“I’m waiting.”

“An Eccles cake, sir.”

“An Eccles cake?”

“Yes sir. Very tasty, sir, at least, so Jollyrei Minor informed me. He scoffed it before I could say ‘Hey Presto!’”

“Were you intending to produce an Eccles cake?”

“No, sir, the plan was to produce gold.”

“I see,” said Phlebas again, “And an Eccles cake is worth, what, a tenth of the price of a lead ingot?”

“Yes, sir,” admitted Wragg, miserably.

“So you managed to transform low value into practically no value?”

“Not in the opinion of Jollyrei Minor, sir.”

“Are you trying to be clever, Wragg?”

“No sir! Not at all, sir!”

“Hmmm,” said Phlebas again.

There was an awkward silence, before Professor Phlebas announced, “I have asked Professor Tree to join us to explain this ‘ungradeable’ for Crucifixion Technique.”

He waved his wand, and uttered an utterly alien phrase to Wragg.

“Marlboro and Seagrams!”

There was another bang, and the unmistakeable form of Professor T.H. Tree condensed out of a cloud of purple smoke.
 

Primus pilus

Magister Australis
Joined
Dec 28, 2014
Likes
18,989
Location
Down Under
#9
In his trembling hand he held the results of his nail levels, a document upon which the grade D minus featured rather too often for his liking:

· Flaggelation: D-
Bloody disappointed in this one Wragg. Considerable remedial work needed. Report to Pp's office as soon as you are finished elsewhere. Extra subjects have been arranged for you to practice at beginner level.

tumblr_ngfsnf11uh1tq5kkho1_500.jpg tumblr_ngbyh8U7ed1tq5kkho1_500.jpg

And Pp reckons you should have been graded a complete fail on "Spell" too. 500 times on the board Wragg.

F..l..a..g..e..l..l..a..t..i..o..n

How the hell are you going to learn how to flagellate a girl's bum if you can't even spell the word?
 

Wragg

Chronicler of Crux
Staff member
Joined
Aug 31, 2011
Likes
54,327
Location
Blighty
#14
View attachment 449976 Care of weird and frightening beasties: A- :goodjob:

Wragg succeeded in transforming lead at least into something.
But he was lucky. It could have been a D-. View attachment 449975 View attachment 449979
Is that smoke purple? :confused:

Tree was taking a break from Marlboros and was smoking a Madame Wu Premium Reserve when all the happened...
View attachment 449980
...what? You've never heard Hendrix's 'Purple Haze'????

Tree
This is my fundamental problem. You see, I don't actually like purple! :doh:
 

Jollyrei

Angelus Mortis
Joined
Apr 27, 2015
Likes
29,486
Location
Great White North
#16
Messa dont agree with that ! Messa has found them very good !
View attachment 449966 Mmmmmmmmmm !:rolleyes:
A lot tastier than a lead ingot in my opinion :p
An opinion shared by Jollyrei Minor... ;)
Maybe if Phlebas had eaten some Eccles cake he might have been more sympathetic. :rolleyes:
Indeed. My nephew does seem to have rather liked them. He's never been good with numbers though. He probably thought an Eccles Cake was worth more than gold.

Good old Cruxwails. I went there with young Wragg's father. How does the old alma mater song go? Lets see:

We work and work
From week to week
At Cruxwails
Learning magic, beasts and crux
At Cruxwails
So strip the girls, and flog them well
And nail them to the wood
If we don't do it we'll get hell
And goodness knows we should
Come, bring the nails, and other tools
And nail them fast and raise them high
There are no comparable schools
So let us raise a hue and cry,
For Cruxwails.


I really don't understand how young Wragg gets "D"s in stripping a victim and flagellation. Those were two of my best subjects, and his dad was top of his class in Victim Stripping (still is, if my kitchen maids are telling the truth). Even my Eccles cake obsessed nephew managed better than that (He got her stripped, but then ended up at the local pub halfway through the flagellation assignment. Poor girl hung there for 4 hours with nary a stripe, I'm told.). I don't know what these schools are coming to anymore. Wouldn't have happened in my day.

Lord Jollyrei.
 

phlebas

PRIMUS POENUS
Joined
Feb 17, 2006
Likes
49,897
Location
Oz
#17
Maybe if Phlebas had eaten some Eccles cake he might have been more sympathetic. :rolleyes:
I see . . . . .

Do you think it is the purpose of the Headmaster of Cruxwails School of Sorcery and Cruxology to dispense sympathy to all and sundry, boy !?

And your father. What will he make of these results? Good heavens boy if I were in his place they would quite put me off my port! You have seen his name there on the school Honour Board.

Eccles cake indeed !!
hhrummph!
 

RacingRodent

Potent Rodent
Joined
Feb 12, 2013
Likes
22,733
Location
Surprisingly close to a military firing range
#19
LORD JOLLYREI ??? !!!:devil:
The honours system is notoriously corrupt. He probably made significant contributions to the Rodents, Squirrels and Vermin Party.