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Horny The Unicorn

Discussion in 'When in Rome: stories, poems and discussion' started by Wragg134, Jan 9, 2017.

  1. Wragg134

    Wragg134 Chronicler of Crux

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    Wragg’s belly felt like a pot of writhing eels as he waited outside the office of Professor Phlebas the Purple, the respected but somewhat notorious Headmaster of Cruxwails School of Sorcery and Cruxology. In his trembling hand he held the results of his nail levels, a document upon which the grade D minus featured rather too often for his liking:

    · Sorcery: D-

    · Alchemy: C-

    · Fortune telling: D

    · Application of Justice: D -

    · Carpentry: D-

    · Stripping a victim: D-

    · Flaggelation: D-

    · Crucifixion Technique: ungradeable.

    · Care of weird and frightening beasties: A-

    · History of Crux: C-

    · Chronicling: C+

    Wragg suspected that Prof. Phlebas was unlikely to be impressed with these results. The future looked bleak. Looking on the bright side, he was OK with beasties, if he was lucky, he might get a career mucking out the stables of the Flying Horses of Lord Jollyrei of High Groaning, but more likely he’d finish up scrubbing the various body fluids out of the assorted terrifying items of furniture that graced the dungeons of the much-feared Castle Windar.

    He consulted his watch for the fifteenth time in a minute, determined at least to be punctual, and to knock the door at ten o’clock precisely. He needn’t have bothered, for the whole building began to shake as the great clock started to get worked up into announcing that the hour of ten had come. With an almighty BONG!!!! the hour was struck, and Wragg timidly knocked the door. He was not heard; in fact he would not have been heard even if he had slammed on the door with a Jedakk Mark XVII cruxhammer, such was the racket the clock was making as it continued its inexorable path through the ten o’clock chimes. Eventually, it lapsed into silence, the dust began to settle, and Wragg tried knocking again.

    There was a loud bang, a puff of purply-green smoke, and Wragg found himself translated into a new location in front of the largest desk he’d ever seen. Phlebas didn’t believe in saying ‘come in’, everything he did was spectacular.

    Phlebas himself was spectacular. Seven feet tall if an inch, clad head to toe in silken purple, with long tresses of purply-grey hair cascading over purple shoulders, and a long purply-silver beard betraying his great age, his great wisdom, and his love of, well, purple.

    Wragg gazed up into a pair of piercing purple eyes which peered sharply at him over a pair of half-moon purple spectacles.

    “Ah. So you’re Wragg.” He made it sound like an accusation.

    “Y-yes sir. W-ragg. That’s m-me, sir.”

    “Let’s see those results!” Phlebas held out his hand, and Wragg passed the paper to him, as if it were his own death-warrant.

    “Hmmm,” said Phlebas.

    “I see what Primus Pilus meant,” said Phlebas.

    “How did you manage to get a C minus for alchemy, given your total lack of ability in sorcery?” inquired Phlebas.

    “Well, sir, I did manage to transform a lead ingot into an…”

    “Go on.”

    “An….”

    “I’m waiting.”

    “An Eccles cake, sir.”

    “An Eccles cake?”

    “Yes sir. Very tasty, sir, at least, so Jollyrei Minor informed me. He scoffed it before I could say ‘Hey Presto!’”

    “Were you intending to produce an Eccles cake?”

    “No, sir, the plan was to produce gold.”

    “I see,” said Phlebas again, “And an Eccles cake is worth, what, a tenth of the price of a lead ingot?”

    “Yes, sir,” admitted Wragg, miserably.

    “So you managed to transform low value into practically no value?”

    “Not in the opinion of Jollyrei Minor, sir.”

    “Are you trying to be clever, Wragg?”

    “No sir! Not at all, sir!”

    “Hmmm,” said Phlebas again.

    There was an awkward silence, before Professor Phlebas announced, “I have asked Professor Tree to join us to explain this ‘ungradeable’ for Crucifixion Technique.”

    He waved his wand, and uttered an utterly alien phrase to Wragg.

    “Marlboro and Seagrams!”

    There was another bang, and the unmistakeable form of Professor T.H. Tree condensed out of a cloud of purple smoke.
     
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  2. madiosi

    madiosi Depictor of Dreams

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    Good start. A original Wragg!
     
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  3. Celticvirgin

    Celticvirgin Gaelic Heroine

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    Love it Wragg. :) Made me laugh out loud! :)
     
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  4. Eulalia

    Eulalia Poet Laureate Staff Member

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    Well, the title and A- for care of weird and frightening beasties
    looks like a cue for one of the memorably lamentable tunes eul finds on YouTube :p

     
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  5. madiosi

    madiosi Depictor of Dreams

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    It is his task!
     
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  6. messaline

    messaline Crucified Amazon

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    Messa dont agree with that ! Messa has found them very good !

    picQsr75V.jpg Mmmmmmmmmm !:rolleyes:
     
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  7. Eulalia

    Eulalia Poet Laureate Staff Member

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    A lot tastier than a lead ingot in my opinion :p
     
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  8. Wragg134

    Wragg134 Chronicler of Crux

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    An opinion shared by Jollyrei Minor... ;)

    Maybe if Phlebas had eaten some Eccles cake he might have been more sympathetic. :rolleyes:
     
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  9. Primus pilus

    Primus pilus Magister Australis

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    Bloody disappointed in this one Wragg. Considerable remedial work needed. Report to Pp's office as soon as you are finished elsewhere. Extra subjects have been arranged for you to practice at beginner level.

    tumblr_ngfsnf11uh1tq5kkho1_500.jpg tumblr_ngbyh8U7ed1tq5kkho1_500.jpg

    And Pp reckons you should have been graded a complete fail on "Spell" too. 500 times on the board Wragg.

    F..l..a..g..e..l..l..a..t..i..o..n

    How the hell are you going to learn how to flagellate a girl's bum if you can't even spell the word?
     
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  10. Repertor

    Repertor Artifex Imaginum

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    Wallace_704.jpg Care of weird and frightening beasties: A- :goodjob:

    Wragg succeeded in transforming lead at least into something.
    But he was lucky. It could have been a D-. 2017-01-10_002920.jpg fire-12684.jpg
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2017
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  11. thehangingtree

    thehangingtree Proconsul Staff Member

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    Tree was taking a break from Marlboros and was smoking a Madame Wu Premium Reserve when all the happened...
    tree eastwood 2.jpg
    ...what? You've never heard Hendrix's 'Purple Haze'????

    Tree
     
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  12. Primus pilus

    Primus pilus Magister Australis

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    All too young Tree :cool:

    Purple haze, all in my brain
    Lately things they don't seem the same
    Actin' funny, but I don't know why
    Excuse me while I kiss the sky
     
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  13. Wragg134

    Wragg134 Chronicler of Crux

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    :doh:

    :D
     
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  14. Wragg134

    Wragg134 Chronicler of Crux

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    Is that smoke purple? :confused:

    This is my fundamental problem. You see, I don't actually like purple! :doh:
     
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  15. Repertor

    Repertor Artifex Imaginum

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    The only people that willingly wear purple are guys that play for the Minnesota Vikings, or their fans.
    Vikings.png MVC_-_Minnesota_Vikings_Cheerleaders.jpg I'm afraid some demerits may be pending again. il_570xN_492146554_excq.jpg
     
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  16. Jollyrei

    Jollyrei Angelus Mortis

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    Indeed. My nephew does seem to have rather liked them. He's never been good with numbers though. He probably thought an Eccles Cake was worth more than gold.

    Good old Cruxwails. I went there with young Wragg's father. How does the old alma mater song go? Lets see:

    We work and work
    From week to week
    At Cruxwails
    Learning magic, beasts and crux
    At Cruxwails
    So strip the girls, and flog them well
    And nail them to the wood
    If we don't do it we'll get hell
    And goodness knows we should
    Come, bring the nails, and other tools
    And nail them fast and raise them high
    There are no comparable schools
    So let us raise a hue and cry,
    For Cruxwails.


    I really don't understand how young Wragg gets "D"s in stripping a victim and flagellation. Those were two of my best subjects, and his dad was top of his class in Victim Stripping (still is, if my kitchen maids are telling the truth). Even my Eccles cake obsessed nephew managed better than that (He got her stripped, but then ended up at the local pub halfway through the flagellation assignment. Poor girl hung there for 4 hours with nary a stripe, I'm told.). I don't know what these schools are coming to anymore. Wouldn't have happened in my day.

    Lord Jollyrei.
     
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  17. phlebas

    phlebas PRIMUS POENUS

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    I see . . . . .

    Do you think it is the purpose of the Headmaster of Cruxwails School of Sorcery and Cruxology to dispense sympathy to all and sundry, boy !?

    And your father. What will he make of these results? Good heavens boy if I were in his place they would quite put me off my port! You have seen his name there on the school Honour Board.

    Eccles cake indeed !!
    hhrummph!
     
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  18. messaline

    messaline Crucified Amazon

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    LORD JOLLYREI ??? !!!:devil:
     
  19. RacingRodent

    RacingRodent Potent Rodent

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    The honours system is notoriously corrupt. He probably made significant contributions to the Rodents, Squirrels and Vermin Party.
     
  20. Jollyrei

    Jollyrei Angelus Mortis

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    Of High Groaning, apparently. It's right there in the story. Are you accusing me of making up honours, Madame? A gentleman would surely not do that.:cool:;)
     

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