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Horny The Unicorn

Discussion in 'When in Rome: stories, poems and discussion' started by Wragg134, Jan 9, 2017.

  1. Wragg134

    Wragg134 Chronicler of Crux Staff Member

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    Indeed not. His family can be found in the Doomsday Book. (Sic, before I'm in more trouble with Prof Pilus! Phlebas keeps a copy in his study. :rolleyes:)
     
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  2. Wragg134

    Wragg134 Chronicler of Crux Staff Member

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    “Professor Phlebas.” Tree nodded to the headmaster. Then he regarded Wragg with a look of utter contempt.

    “Glad you could join us, Professor Tree. I wondered if you could enlighten us as to why you were unable to grade this candidate in crucifixion technique?”

    “I sure can, Professor Phlebas.” Tree spoke with his characteristic Missouri drawl. “Despite two whole years, in which I spared no effort in teaching and demonstrating the correct procedure for nailing a woman to a cross to this miserable wretch, when it came to the practical exam I ended up wondering why I’d bothered!”

    Wragg looked at his feet, as Tree continued mercilessly.

    “I sent him to the dungeon to collect the slave Thessela for crucifixion. He returned with Malins. I sent him back, and he returned with Barbaria, who had threatened him with demerits if he didn’t crucify her instead of Thessela. I sent him back again again, and this time he did manage to bring Thessela back, but he was carrying the patibulum instead of her. Apparently she’d told him that she couldn’t carry it herself because she had a cold.”

    Tree sat for a moment, with his head in his hands, unable to continue. Eventually he composed himself.

    “It took him six attempts to assemble the cross. Six! I mean, how hard can it be? There are two pieces of timber, arranged at right angles to one another….

    “By the time he’d got the thing arranged in a rough approximation of a cross shape, Thessela had gone. Basic crucifixion technique – immobilise the subject during preparation of the cross. Oh no, that’s not for Mr Wragg, he’d just left her standing there. To be fair to her, she hadn’t exactly run away, just got bored and wandered off to find something more interesting to do.

    “After fifteen minutes of frantic searching, he found her sitting in the quad, being chatted up by a bunch of lads from the fourth year, who had presented her with flowers picked from one of the borders.

    “So he waited patiently for her to stop speaking to them, because he was too polite to interrupt her!” Tree slapped himself on the forehead. “’I say, excuse me, Miss Thessela,’ he said, ‘but would it be all right for me to crucify you now?’ The fourth years were literally rolling on the floor, helpless with laughter, especially when she said ‘Just a moment, Wraggie, I’m arranging to help these gentlemen with their homework.’

    “Things went from bad to worse. He stood there, shifting from one foot to another, looking anxiously from Thessela to myself, utterly at a loss as to what to do next. The fourth years picked themselves up, and one scowled at Wragg. ‘Leave her alone, you old bully! She told you, she has a cold! You can’t go crucifying people who are suffering from a cold! Besides, you’re sure to catch it yourself, all that screaming spreads a lot of droplets!’ At this point Thessela sneezed, so Wragg said ‘Bless you!’, and then came to tell me there was a problem.

    “At this point, Professor Phlebas, I confess that I lost all patience. I marked Wragg’s paper as ungradeable and sent him away. I crucified Thessela myself, aided by some very willing and highly competent fourth years. It is my professional opinion that Wragg is completely unemployable in any capacity that involves crucifixion.”

    With one more dirty look at Wragg, Tree disappeared in yet another cloud of purple smoke. The smoke itself appeared to frown at Wragg, before it dispersed into the general fog of purpleness in Professor Phlebas’ study.

    Phlebas watched it disperse, then continued, “from what Professor Primus tells me, you were lucky to scrape a D- in flagellation, too. Incidentally, Wragg, how do you spell ‘flagellation’?”

    Wragg was rattled by this most unexpected question. “F – L – A – double G…..”

    “Idiot!” roared Phlebas. “Two years in the company of the greatest flagellator that the world has ever seen, and you, wretched boy, can’t even spell the word!”

    Phlebas glared at Wragg over his purple spectacles. Then he asked the sixty-four thousand dollar question. “I wonder what your father will have to say about this?”

    Wragg quaked. He knew the answer perfectly well. Lord Despard Wragg would take a very dim view of it indeed. He had passed his own nail levels with straight A pluses, and the honour of the Wragg name was at stake. Wragg junior had resolved to put as much geography between himself and his father as was humanly possible. Australia seemed an attractive proposition.

    “P-please sir!” stammered Wragg. “I was quite good with the weird and frightening beasties? Just ask Professor La Croix?”

    Phlebas considered for a moment. The he said, “Premium timber!” A puff of (you guessed it) purple smoke, and there stood Professor Messaline La Croix. On her shoulder sat a squirrel.

    The squirrel was red, and clashed most dreadfully with his purple surroundings.
     
  3. Eulalia

    Eulalia Poet Laureate Staff Member

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    Brilliant! :D You're certainly on a roll with this one Wragg. :beer:

    It reminds me of a Hilaire Belloc Cautionary Tale -
    LORD LUNDY
    Who was too freely moved to tears and thereby
    ruined his political career.


    that ends -

    The Duke -- his aged grand-sire -- bore
    The shame till he could bear no more.
    He rallied his declining powers,
    Summoned the youth to Brackley Towers,
    And bitterly addressed him thus--
    "Sir! you have disappointed us!
    We had intended you to be
    The next Prime Minister but three:
    The stocks were sold; the Press was squared:
    The Middle Class was quite prepared.
    But as it is! . . . My language fails!
    Go out and govern New South Wales!"

    the whole tale's here:
    http://monologues.co.uk/Childrens_Favourites/Lord_Lundy.htm
     
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  4. Loxuru

    Loxuru Graf von Kreuzigung

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    carp1.jpg carp2.jpg
    Great writing, Wragg!:clapping::clapping:
     
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  5. RacingRodent

    RacingRodent Potent Rodent

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    "The head's office?" Muttered the squirrel, "I wish people would tell me these things in advance, I can do purple."

    Purple-Squirrel.png "There see I blend in better already!"

    "So who is the student? Oh young Wragg, needs remedial crux training? I can help with that!"

    purple enginee squirrel.jpg "So who needs help making a cross?"

    Hunting-Purple-Squirrels.jpg "A cross not cross hairs Professor Tree, we have been over this already!" :doh:

    "So let's get to work moving young Wragg from this..." PURPLESQUIRRELforhire.PNG

    "To this..." purplesquirrelhired.jpg

    "Here ends the power rodent presentation!"
     
  6. messaline

    messaline Crucified Amazon

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    jjb80.jpg :rolleyes:;)
     
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  7. messaline

    messaline Crucified Amazon

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    Ouf ! Fortunately, never he crucified me !!! Thanks to Lord Tree :clapping:
     
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  8. Jollyrei

    Jollyrei Angelus Mortis

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    You're in your groove again, Mr. Wragg! Shiny new story.
    It does sound like our Thessela. Glad she got crucified in the end - she wouldn't have wanted to miss out on that, although it's bad form, what, bein' cruxed by the faculty. ;):rolleyes::doh::devil:

    We can only hope the young Wragg finds his form.:popcorn:
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2017
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  9. Primus pilus

    Primus pilus Magister Australis

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    Professor Primus had much the same experience with young Wragg during remedial flagellation.

    Miss Barbara had graciously offered herself up as a coaching aid and all was going reasonably well as Wragg was practising some very gentle crop strokes on Barbara's delightful tight little bum.
    Reddening nicely.jpg
    But when she was chained to present her breasts to more serious flagellation she began to whimper
    Barb sweat and tears.jpg
    and young Wragg just stood still saying "there, there Barbara. Please don't cry." Then he took out a handkerchief and began drying her tears.

    Don't cry? Don't cry? Wragg at the very least even practice flagellation should have Barbara squealing and the serious flagellation you must administer prior to nailing will have her screaming.

    Sorry Professor Phlebas but Primus is beginning to assess young Wragg as beyond redemption. Puzzling when his father could strip the skin from a parlour maid's bum and have her asking, "more please Sir."
     
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  10. Jollyrei

    Jollyrei Angelus Mortis

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    I am a bit worried about my nephew keeping company with young Wragg, much as I hold his father in highest esteem. Do we need to convene a meeting of the Board of Directors? I mean, a student who is the son of one of our most famous alumni failing this badly may reflect badly on the curriculum, and indeed the entire school, an institution which I need not remind you, gentlemen, has been a crucial and seminal part of our own successes. Matter of pride, really. I will naturally defer to the judgement of the senior faculty in this regard.

    On a happier note, I have been training a couple of young kitchen maids who showed some promise, and have been administering tutorial scourgings in my own "chambers". It would be my honour to present them to Cruxwails next semester as part of my annual support package. Sadly, I doubt they will be in any danger from young Mr. Wragg.
     
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  11. Repertor

    Repertor Artifex Imaginum

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    carpenters_creed_post_card-r045ef66baddb451ea0a7c08bd7c7af3c_vgbaq_8byvr_324.jpg "I spared no effort in teaching and demonstrating the correct procedure" need_a_drink_carpenter_postcard-r543f61494b62411dad6312a953b64b9a_vgbaq_8byvr_324.jpg

    too-much-freedom.jpg "Immobilise the subject during preparation of the cross. Oh no, that’s not for Mr Wragg, he’d just left her standing there."

    soigner-un-rhume-rapidement-6.jpg "At this point Thessela sneezed, so Wragg said ‘Bless you!’, and then came to tell me there was a problem."

    worlds_worst_carpenter_postcard-.jpg "I marked Wragg’s paper as ungradeable and sent him away."
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2017
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  12. phlebas

    phlebas PRIMUS POENUS

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    I do indeed have a copy of the Doomsday Book, but it's not here in the study, it's in the music room :D
    IMG_0391.JPG
    Original text and current day description

    Never fear Jolly my good man, we will get to the bottom of this singular and shameful incident and ensure that the good name of the school remains unsullied.
     
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  13. windar

    windar Governor

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    Alright, stop nagging. I will clean the basement this weekend, I promise, OK? Wait, there are 4 NFL games this weekend? OK, next weekend for sure.

    Undoubtedly, because Barb is a Green Bay Packers fan and wouldn't be caught dead in Vikings purple. She already gave me a big BLAHHH over the way the Packers demolished the Giants.
    From Charleston's most famous madam to "Professor"-is that a promotion or a demotion? I doubt your little academy pays anywhere near what a first-class cathouse prorietress could clear.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2017
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  14. Barbaria1

    Barbaria1 Rebel Leader Staff Member

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    demerits for both of you! :spank::spank::spank::spank::spank:
     
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  15. Wragg134

    Wragg134 Chronicler of Crux Staff Member

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    “Professor La Croix! And Professor Rodent! How kind of you to join us!” Phlebas was extraordinarily pleased to see Messaline, as indeed was Wragg, greatly in need of a friendly face at that moment.

    Everybody was extraordinarily pleased to see Messaline. Quite the loveliest teacher on the staff.

    “It pleases me to be of service, Professeur!” As always, her voice made Wragg’s heart skip a beat. “Wraggie! How lovely to see you! Mwah! Mwah!” A kiss on each cheek further improved Wragg’s mood. “Ow is my lovely star pupil? Congratulations on your A minus, Wraggie, it was the best score in your class!”

    She gave him a big hug, which made him turn redder than the squirrel.

    “Well done, mate!” winked the squirrel, hanging on for dear life.

    “Cheers RR, and thanks for all the encouragement!” replied Wragg, as if chatting to a squirrel was perfectly natural. But then, stranger things than that are perfectly natural at Cruxwails.

    “That’s enough of that!” Phlebas was growing impatient. All this praise flowing towards this miscreant pupil was irritating him. “Wragg is here because he has miserably failed his nail levels; indeed, his only decent score was in your subject, Professor La Croix. I can think of no reason why he should pay more attention to you than to Professors Tree or Primus?”

    “Nor can I, Professeur Phlebas,” replied Messaline, leaning forward and displaying a highly rewarding amount of cleavage. “He always seemed to me to be a most attentive pupil. Essays always handed in on time, he was always the first into class, and the last to leave, happy to do extra practical work in the evening. A model pupil, in my experience.”

    RR rolled his eyes. Phlebas raised one eyebrow. “Indeed?”

    Wragg continued to look embarrassed. Of course he was burning a candle for Messaline, and she was perfectly aware of that fact. She, RR and Judith giggled about it most evenings.

    “I must ‘ave attributes that Pilus Primus does not ‘ave….” suggested Messaline.

    ‘That’s true,’ thought Wragg, trying hard not to imagine Prof Primus in a purple dress.

    Ever diplomatic, Professor Rodent sought to steer the conversation onto safer ground. “Might I suggest a solution to your dilemma, Professor Phlebas?”

    “I didn’t realise that I had a dilemma?” returned Phlebas.

    “You do indeed. If you let someone out into the wide world who is so completely inept at crucifixion, flagellation, and sorcery, and he is owning Cruxwails as his alma mater, the reputation of this august academy will be in shreds. And when Wragg’s pater gets to hear of it, there will be hell to pay. It will be all over the Crux Chronicle! ”

    Phlebas bit his lip. The truth of the Racing Rodent’s words could not be denied.

    “All right. Yes. I have a dilemma. What is your suggestion?”

    The squirrel cleared his throat. Everyone gazed at him, expectantly.

    “My suggestion is Horny the Unicorn.”
     
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  16. Primus pilus

    Primus pilus Magister Australis

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    Professor Primus had the pleasure of inspecting Mr Jollyrei's training over a recent breakfast (gif).
    Serving Breakfast.gif
    Five of the six met even Pp's high standards and He agrees that these would make a useful addition to the staff quarters at Cruxwails though they are best kept well clear of those pubescent students.

    One, still "dressed" in the white of a novice, had to be ushered away for further assessment.
    tumblr_nmv2rfwxGE1rittc2o1_1280.jpg
    It was immediately apparent that her serving skills were about at the level of young Wragg's studies so, with Mr Jollyrei's support, Pp stripped her and replaced her white novice uniform with more appropriate attire.

    She reminds Professor Primus of another dark-haired recalcitrant and He has agreed to assist Mr Jollyrei with a personalised training plan.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2017
  17. Primus pilus

    Primus pilus Magister Australis

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    IMG_4963.JPG
    Attributes that Professor Primus certainly does not 'ave :devil:
     
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  18. messaline

    messaline Crucified Amazon

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    Bof, do you think so ? I dont see why, I'm an ordinary French professor ...:D

    Business-woman-must-look-sexy.jpg
     
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  19. Jollyrei

    Jollyrei Angelus Mortis

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    We take breakfast very seriously indeed at Chateau Jollyrei.
    That was very well spotted. Missed that. Your input is much appreciated - I expect to learn a few new things, meself. All this estate management does not allow one to keep up on the cusp of scholarship in these finer arts.

    Perhaps your recalcitrant girl can be put to service in Young Wragg's remedial studies.
     
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  20. messaline

    messaline Crucified Amazon

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    Hum, what is this new freak ? ja566.jpg :D
     
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