cire
Governor
Thank you all very much for your sensitive replies.
I personally realized, that with the time going by, my answers vary. Today I'm able to write and think about these questions much more open and less ashamed than maybe 5 or 6 years ago.
1. - Are you going to change your mind on the cross?
Hanging on the cross, I think I'd bitch and swear at everybody at the scene, at least as long as I'm able to. Eventually also insulting other victims crucified along with me. For sure cursing at the guards and the executioners. I'd probably do so while they crucify me. Though that is depending on the impact of the flogging, and how much the march has worn me out. The fact that I'm crucified naked wouldn't have bothered me that much, since the cruifixion was a common penalty in the empire (in the safe distance of the present, hanging there naked with others is arousing for me). When I look at my writing concerning my behaviour as a crucified, I'm saying, yes, the cross would change me.
2. - If you attend a crucifixion as a spectator, would it be deterring to you?
Only to a point, but like most of us, I have never attended a real crucifixion (if that is positive or negative, I don't know). All the blood and the violence would be impressing to me. Some time ago I was at the state to have watched from the distance. Now I'd step closer, to take a good look at everybody involved in the crucifixion. I'd want to hear what the executioner says to his victim, and the conversation amongst the guards with the condemned while being raised. If I had the chance and the spectators had been allowed to walk up to the crucified, I would have. Maybe I'd have directed some words to them. That would have depended on the overall situation, though.
3. - What about being a guard and giving the executioner a hand? Would that bother you or would you enjoy it?
I couldn't talk about this issue previously, because I felt very ashamed the way I'm feeling about it. Ethics keep me from admitting my feelings, but being a guard in rome for crucifixions would have been something. For example I'd enoy to assemble the cross on the ground, hold the victim down to the wood, monitor the executioner doing his work. While the naked person that you hold down, would watch you and your fellow henchman. I'd listen and follow the instructions of the executioner, and occasionally receive insultings from the victim. Looking her/him into the eyes, answering laughing. To then lift the cross up with the attached condemned, and feel her/his helplessness, would be thrilling to me. To grab the cross beam and lift it up with the naked body is such a secret affair. Then the way up. It's the first time that the crucified is bit by bit confronted with the gravity that will drag out life. All these details, the cross sliding into the hole, the victim falling forward, screaming. The fixing of the cross in the ground, and finally the placing the titulus are such strong impressions. Releasing my dark side writing this, yes I'd be laughing with my fellow guards while we do so, and about the awkward positions of the hanging crucified.
4. - And how would you feel if you'd have to crucify the victims?
Here I'm not uninhibited. I think to strip and tie a person to the cross (by for example forcing her/him to climb up a ladder to reach the patibulum of the already standing and assembled cross) may could be possible. I'm aware of the fact, that the victim has been flogged and is weakened. As an executioner you had to really grab your victim, placing the bodies of these poor people the way you wanted it. I don't think I would have been able to nail somebody to the cross. That means really destroying the bones and the body, literally breaking the person. Even when I search in the darkest spots of my soul, it's hard to see. All in all, pity would have given me hell to do the job.
I personally realized, that with the time going by, my answers vary. Today I'm able to write and think about these questions much more open and less ashamed than maybe 5 or 6 years ago.
1. - Are you going to change your mind on the cross?
Hanging on the cross, I think I'd bitch and swear at everybody at the scene, at least as long as I'm able to. Eventually also insulting other victims crucified along with me. For sure cursing at the guards and the executioners. I'd probably do so while they crucify me. Though that is depending on the impact of the flogging, and how much the march has worn me out. The fact that I'm crucified naked wouldn't have bothered me that much, since the cruifixion was a common penalty in the empire (in the safe distance of the present, hanging there naked with others is arousing for me). When I look at my writing concerning my behaviour as a crucified, I'm saying, yes, the cross would change me.
2. - If you attend a crucifixion as a spectator, would it be deterring to you?
Only to a point, but like most of us, I have never attended a real crucifixion (if that is positive or negative, I don't know). All the blood and the violence would be impressing to me. Some time ago I was at the state to have watched from the distance. Now I'd step closer, to take a good look at everybody involved in the crucifixion. I'd want to hear what the executioner says to his victim, and the conversation amongst the guards with the condemned while being raised. If I had the chance and the spectators had been allowed to walk up to the crucified, I would have. Maybe I'd have directed some words to them. That would have depended on the overall situation, though.
3. - What about being a guard and giving the executioner a hand? Would that bother you or would you enjoy it?
I couldn't talk about this issue previously, because I felt very ashamed the way I'm feeling about it. Ethics keep me from admitting my feelings, but being a guard in rome for crucifixions would have been something. For example I'd enoy to assemble the cross on the ground, hold the victim down to the wood, monitor the executioner doing his work. While the naked person that you hold down, would watch you and your fellow henchman. I'd listen and follow the instructions of the executioner, and occasionally receive insultings from the victim. Looking her/him into the eyes, answering laughing. To then lift the cross up with the attached condemned, and feel her/his helplessness, would be thrilling to me. To grab the cross beam and lift it up with the naked body is such a secret affair. Then the way up. It's the first time that the crucified is bit by bit confronted with the gravity that will drag out life. All these details, the cross sliding into the hole, the victim falling forward, screaming. The fixing of the cross in the ground, and finally the placing the titulus are such strong impressions. Releasing my dark side writing this, yes I'd be laughing with my fellow guards while we do so, and about the awkward positions of the hanging crucified.
4. - And how would you feel if you'd have to crucify the victims?
Here I'm not uninhibited. I think to strip and tie a person to the cross (by for example forcing her/him to climb up a ladder to reach the patibulum of the already standing and assembled cross) may could be possible. I'm aware of the fact, that the victim has been flogged and is weakened. As an executioner you had to really grab your victim, placing the bodies of these poor people the way you wanted it. I don't think I would have been able to nail somebody to the cross. That means really destroying the bones and the body, literally breaking the person. Even when I search in the darkest spots of my soul, it's hard to see. All in all, pity would have given me hell to do the job.
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