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M*A*S*H DIARY

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April 8, 1951 0800

Memo to: Captain William Jefferson Clinton, Judge Advocate General's Corps, United States Army, Washington DC

From: Brigadier General P. Praetorio, MASH 4078th, Wo-on-Krux, Korea

I shall have to remain here in Korea for several more days. We are beginning today, the court martial of a disruptive and disagreeable nurse at MASH 4078. I must be here to oversee the trial and the administration of any sentence.
The special supplies I requested for lunch today arrived, thank you. Send something different for tomorrow, surprise me!
Please send me a case of Jack Daniels, it’s for an old Frat brother friend. Also a quart of Seagrams for a new friend.
Bill, too bad you're back holding down the fort. You would love it here!
 
April 8, 1951 MASH 4078th, Wo-on-Krux, Korea

Transcript of Drumhead Court Martial of Second Lieutenant Barbara A, Moore.

Following an investigation with interviews of all officers and non-coms of the Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, MASH 4078, Brigadier General P. Praetorio, Judge Advocate General's Corps, United States Army, found reasons to believe that actions had been taken by Second Lieutenant Barbara A, Moore compromised the command structure, decreased mission efficiency and constituted serious violations of the Articles of War.

Consequently, charges were brought against Lt. Moore and, given the urgency of resolution while in a combat zone only a short distance from the Front, a Drumhead Court Martial was convened with available personnel. It was possible to supplement those on post with two others. Second Lieutenant Erin T. Brave, as counsel for the accused, and Major Aldous Grave as additional judge.

With these additions, the court consisted of the following:

Lieutenant Colonel Oliver Phlebas, MD, of the 3rd Battalion, Royal Australian Regiment, Post Commander -Presiding Judge

Major Aldous Grave, Coldstream Guards, retired - additional Judge.

Brigadier General P. Praetorio, Judge Advocate General's Corps, United States Army – additional Judge and Prosecutor

Jurors:

Captain T. H. Tree, MD, Medical Company, 15th Infantry Regiment (Missouri).

Captain Reginald D, Wragg, MD, 33rd (The Duke of Wellington's) Regiment from the West Riding of Yorkshire.

Captain Windarmere (Windy) Goldman, MD, Medical Office, 2nd Batallion, 99th Bronx (NY) Infantry.

Captain Rei Jolly. MD, Medical Aide, 2nd Battalion, Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry.

Defense Attorney - Second Lieutenant Erin T. Brave

Court Clerk – First Sergeant Thomas (Helmut) Connoisseurs

Court Security - Corporal Emily Houser, MP; Staff Sergeant Wilber Loxuru, Motor Pool (on temporary assignment as MP based on WWII experience with controlling prisoners)

Madiosi-2019-116-MASH-court2.jpg

As soon as the Court was called to order, Lt. Brave rose and loudly and rudely objected to the Jury Selection as “corrupt and prejudicial” since the jurors would also be witnesses against the defendant. With some difficulty, the Presiding Judge persuaded Lt. Brave to sit and be quiet.

Judge Praetorius pointed out that: Article 25(d)(2) directs the convening authority to personally select members who are “best qualified” based on six criteria: “age, education, training, experience, length of service, and judicial temperament.” And that, when it can be avoided, court members should not be junior in rank to the accused.

He further stated that the convening authority, himself, believed that these Jurors were the best qualified of rank senior to the Defendant (and, in fact, the only ones). Nothing in the guidelines excluded witnesses against the defendant. He also reminded Lt. Brave, that she could be held in contempt of court for such unrestrained outburst and sentenced to summary punishment.

Finally, in response to Lt. Brave’s request, the Court will allow Lt. Moore’s diary responses to the proceedings to be entered into the official record, with the proviso that her remarks be regarded as highly prejudicial and therefore of little if any consequence to the findings of the jury panel.

Response of Moore's Diary

Dear Diary, my Drumhead Court Martial is underway and I have received permission to enter my diary entries into the official record as the trial goes forward.

So far, Erin has actively risen to the occasion, challenging General Praetorius by immediately jumping on the issue of the inappropriateness of the appointed jurors to a just hearing of my case. Unfortunately, the General ordered her to sit down and be quiet while he rattled off a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo justifying his juror selections. He also threatened her with contempt of court. It’s a good thing he couldn’t hear what Erin said under her breath. I doubt he’d have taken kindly to being called a pompous ass. I admire her courage, but fear she is setting herself up for a fall.

First Witness called by Prosecution:

Captain T. H. Tree, MD, Medical Company, 15th Infantry Regiment (Missouri).

[Dr. Tree tripped and fell and gave a loud burp while walking from the jury desk to the witness chair. He initially held up his left hand to take the oath and did slur his speech in repeating the oath. Lt. Brave objected that the witness was drunk. Colonel Phlebas pointed out that it was only 10:00 in the morning and Dr. Tree seemed very like he always did to the Colonel and the oath is very difficult to say. Objection overruled.]

The witness was asked about his general interactions with the defendant:

Dr. Tree emphasized that he had striven to treat Lt. Moore just as he treats all the women in the camp. He freely offered her some of his private supplies asking nothing in return. He stated that she had rebuffed all such efforts and frequently insulted him and his state of origin (reference to Arkansas being populated by Neanderthal hillbillies).

When conducted a routine physical exam on Lt. Moore, as specifically ordered by Colonel Phlebas (the Colonel confirmed this testimony), Dr. Tree began a normal CBE (clinical breast exam) when Lt. Moore punched him in the mouth. Dr. Tree had to visit the dentist at the nearby 4077 MASH, Walter "Painless Pole" Waldowski. When asked his recommendation for Lieutenant Moore, Tree muttered something about how “they crucify you for less” back where he came from. Pressed for an answer, he stated, “Moore’s got too great an ass to ignore and an “good old-fashioned ass-whupping would do her good.”

Response of Moore's Diary

I wish to protest vehemently the use of Captain Tree as a witness in the case against me on account of the fact that he is guilty of any number of unspeakable acts of humiliation and degradation at my expense in the few days I have been with the 4078th, including getting me stone drunk and buggering me (on his own admission). The unwarranted grope in the course of giving me a physical exam was, in fact, the least of his transgressions and one that already earned him a smack in the chops. But, answer me this! How can any court take seriously the testimony of a man who arrives so stupid drunk he can't even walk straight, who mocks the seriousness of these proceedings by showing up in a tuxedo with tails and goofy Groucho Mark nose, mustache and spectacles on his face, and speaks of his desire to see me crucified or at the very least subjected to a "good old-fashioned ass-whupping. Outrageous and unacceptable!

Furthermore, I wish to protest the disrespectful treatment of my legal council, Lt. Erin Brave who, upon objecting to Captain Tree's drunkeness, was told by General Praetorius to shut her mouth and place her "sweet little ass" back in her seat or face judicial punishment following the trial. One would think that counsel was as much on trial here as I am. What kind of Kafka-like kangaroo court is this, anyway?


Presiding Judge Phlebas objected in the strongest terms to characterization of this as a “Kangaroo” court, a clear effort to insult the proud Australians who were fighting in this War. He said he would consider possible contempt charges against defendant and her counsel at the conclusion.

Judge Praetorius ruled all of Moore’s comments out of order since they merely restated charges she had made earlier without any evidence to back them up.

Next Witness:

Captain Reginald D, Wragg, MD, 33rd (The Duke of Wellington's) Regiment from the West Riding of Yorkshire.

[The judges noted on the record that Captain Wragg came across as a man of fine breeding whose word could be trusted absolutely. He evidenced a soft spot for Lt. Moore and wished not to get her in trouble. He even waxed poetic about her many charms. This made the evidence he gave against her even more damning.]

Under repeated questioning, he stated that Lt. Moore was insubordinate and worked to undermine the smooth operation of the post. He also reported that on her first full day at the 4078, she assaulted all four captains at the post bulletin board and defaced said board. He testified that he and the other surgeons had tried to include Moore in their social activities and make her feel welcome, but she had steadfastly refused and even made insulting and obscene comment to them (her superior officers).

When asked what should be done with her, Captain Wragg stated that such behavior in his old regiment would have called for a flogging of at least five score with the cat, but he doubted that this Army was up to that level of discipline. [Major Grave muttered through his “mutton-chop” mustache something about “That’s what this damn Army needs, the cat!” before dozing off again.]

Response of Moore's Diary

Ok, so now we've gone from the unit drunk to the suave Brit. In my opinion, Captain Wragg is a bit too smooth to be credible. Never trust a poet, I always say. And what's all this shit about trying to include me in social activities and make me feel welcome? That's just a fancy excuse for giving me a lottery ticket that wasn't a lottery ticket at all but a surefire way to get me in a compromising position at a certain "toga party", which I am certain is very much against army regulations. As for waxing poetic about my charms – very demeaning!

And when Lt. Brave objected to Captain's Wragg's statement about a "flogging of at least five score with the cat" as archaic and monstrous, once again General Praetorius acted inappropriately by suggesting that five score would work quite well on her "sweet little ass" as well. I am beginning to fear for Lt. Brave, who so bravely defends me but seems to be headed for something she hadn't bargained for if things keep going as they have.

The judges again noted that Lt. Moore and her “bitchy” counsel were raising charges that have been dismissed through lack of evidence. Judge Grave roused himself momentarily to say to Lt. Brave, “A hot redhead like you should have a red butt to match, pixey!” Lt. Brave’s response is not recorded due to its disrespectful tone.

Next Witness:

Captain Windarmere (Windy) Goldman, MD, Medical Office, 2nd Batallion, 99th Bronx (NY) Infantry.

[The court noted that, before becoming a Doctor, Captain Goldman was a detective in the New York City Police Department, and therefore, gave great weight to his testimony.]

He confirmed much of what Wragg and Tree had said. He added that he went to great personal effort and expense to try to guide Moore in the correct path, but all for nought. Like the others, he seemed to believe that corporal punishment, applied publicly to her “tight little” would have the best effect on the camp morale and discipline.

Next Witness:

Captain Rei Jolly. MD, Medical Aide, 2nd Battalion, Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry.

[Captain Jolly’s soft-spoken and sincere attitude impressed the Court. Part way through his testimony, Major Grave awoke and asked if Jolly’s “people” were from the Windy Pennines’ Jollys. When he confirmed this, the Major stated that they were distant cousins. They spent some time catching up in mutual relatives before an extended exchange concerning their mutual interest in grave rubbings. Or was that robbing - Sergeant Connoisseurs is unsure.]

Dr. Jolly’s story paralleled those of the others. When asked about the disposition of Moore’s case, he replied, cryptically, “’Death,’ that’s always the end isn’t it. Just be patient.” When pressed to be clearer, he agreed that a good whipping always did a woman good.

Moore Response

I think Captain Goodman's testimony can be discounted. Who believes a guy who claims Jack Benny to have been the greatest comic of all times, and waxes euphoric about a certain sit-com that I refuse to watch? I also wish to point out that Captain Goodman speaks a little too often about corporal punishment and takes an unhealthily perverted interest in what he likes to call my "tight little".

Lt. Brave, once again braved certain condemnation by declaring Captain Jolly's statement about death to be totally inappropriate given that this is not a capital case. I almost thought that General Praetorius, in response to her affrontery, was going to have Sergeant Connoisseurs take her out for what Captain Tree called a good "ass-whupping". Please note as well, that Sergeant Connoisseurs could be seen, during this exchange, leaning forward and excitedly muttering under his breath "Bestrafung, Bestrafung!"

Major Grave, when hearing Lt. Brave criticize Jolly, erupted in a long string of curses that came from his time in the Coldstream Guards. He concluded by saying “If this was my old regiment, an Irish **** like you insulting my cousin would be taught a good lesson by the end of the Sergeant Major’s cane!”

At this time, Judge Phlebas attempted to defuse the situation by adjourning for lunch.
 
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I must say I'm impressed at how the Judges seem to be bending over backward to be fair to Lt. Moore. Even allowing her to post her libelous and insulting responses.
Lt. Brave seems particularly rude. The little girl needs to stop arguing with the men and learn her place.
 
[The court noted that, before becoming a Doctor, Captain Goldman was a detective in the New York City Police Department, and therefore, gave great weight to his testimony.]
Thank you. Since I left the force and eat fewer donuts, I've lost weight...
I think Captain Goodman's testimony can be discounted.
Considering you can't even spell my name correctly, why should we count anything you say, Moore?
and waxes euphoric about a certain sit-com that I refuse to watch?
How can you refuse to watch it when it won't be on for another 40 years, Moore?
 
Thank you. Since I left the force and eat fewer donuts, I've lost weight...

Wishful thinking there, Goldman

Considering you can't even spell my name correctly, why should we count anything you say, Moore?

Blame Apple iPhone autocorrect. It obviously doesn’t believe you exist.

How can you refuse to watch it when it won't be on for another 40 years, Moore?

How do you know “it” will be on in 40 years?
 
Staff Sergeant Wilber Loxuru
Bitte, Herr General : Wilbur, not Wilber. Such typos can make the verdict invalid, which should be a pity after the work put into it to make it fair and doing true justice!

on temporary assignment as MP based on WWII experience with controlling prisoners)
Apparently, Sgt. Conoisseurs has been boasting to Herr General about that platoon of WAAF's we captured, after they were left behind on the shores of Dunkirk.
 
Apparently, Sgt. Conoisseurs has been boasting to Herr General about that platoon of WAAF's we captured, after they were left behind on the shores of Dunkirk.

Figures, doesn’t it? If anyone was to be left behind on the beaches, it would be the women! Every man for himself, as they say.:confused:
 
Must say it's nice to be back in the saddle, as it were, since retiring from the Coldstream Guards I've been given a cushy little number inspecting the R&R facilities for our brave boys in Japan:26.jpg but it's bloody hard work for an old'un like me.

Great to meet up with that Jolly fellow; worked out he's related to the Savages of Elmet Hall, damn fine family, made their money the hard way, running slaves and owning plantations. Some silly old fart even wrote about them in Angela And The Savages. The Graves married into the family, they were coal mine owners, though there was never much money in it when they stopped the women working: 98902.jpg.
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Oh dear, must have nodded off thinking about the Windy Pennines. Where were we in that trial? There's a brunette and a redhead over on the accused's table. Not bad knockers on them both. Which one is the defendant? Both stroppy little bitches that would look better tied arse-upwards over a gun carriage, so I'll just write "Guilty / Flogged" on this bit of paper in case I fall asleep again when they want the sentence.
 
Oh dear, must have nodded off thinking about the Windy Pennines. Where were we in that trial? There's a brunette and a redhead over on the accused's table. Not bad knockers on them both. Which one is the defendant? Both stroppy little bitches that would look better tied arse-upwards over a gun carriage, so I'll just write "Guilty / Flogged" on this bit of paper in case I fall asleep again when they want the sentence.

Oh dear, the prospect of an acquittal, even with Lt. Brave vigorously defending my back, just got noticeably dimmer :confused:
 
After the tense morning at trial, all concerned were able to have a relaxing luncheon:

General Praetorius:

I was pleased to be able to treat the court to a special lunch during the break. Judges, Jurors and court personnel assembled in the VIP tent for a repast flown in this morning from Tokyo, courtesy of the JAG Corps. Beluga caviar (somewhat hard to obtain during the current unpleasantness with the Soviet Union), toasted French Bread points, as well as broiled Maine Lobster made a enjoyable meal. Armand de Brignac Ace of Spades Rose, Champagne helped wash it down to clear the way for the seven-layer chocolate torte. Conversation was very convivial.

This also gave us a chance to get to know our new judge, Major Aldous Grave. We learned that he had just retired two years ago from the Coldstream Guards, the oldest regiment in the regular British Army in continuous active service, originating in Coldstream, Scotland, in 1650. The Major has spent the last year in Japan, reviewing and rating Geisha houses for His Majesty’s Health Ministry. He comes from “the Windy Pennines, England,” and his family, the Graves, are related to the Jollys.

But I was really blown away when it came up that he had attended University in the U.S. where he had pledged Phi Theta Beta! Another Frat brother! His nickname, a play on his name and his strange sexual predilections, was “Old Slave.”

Lieutenant Moore:

Lieutenant Brave and I were given lunch in the guard tent. It consisted of two canteens of foul tasting water and three hard biscuits each. Things are always Spartan at the Front. We discussed our strategy. I thanked Erin again and again for her courage in fighting so hard for me. She grinned and said, “I got your back”. Wish I shared her confidence. I asked her if there was anything to all that loose talk during the morning session about flogging. She said, “Not a chance! Who does that anymore?”
 
Must say it's nice to be back in the saddle, as it were, since retiring from the Coldstream Guards I've been given a cushy little number inspecting the R&R facilities for our brave boys in Japan:View attachment 696454 but it's bloody hard work for an old'un like me.

Great to meet up with that Jolly fellow; worked out he's related to the Savages of Elmet Hall, damn fine family, made their money the hard way, running slaves and owning plantations. Some silly old fart even wrote about them in Angela And The Savages. The Graves married into the family, they were coal mine owners, though there was never much money in it when they stopped the women working: View attachment 696487.
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.
.

Oh dear, must have nodded off thinking about the Windy Pennines. Where were we in that trial? There's a brunette and a redhead over on the accused's table. Not bad knockers on them both. Which one is the defendant? Both stroppy little bitches that would look better tied arse-upwards over a gun carriage, so I'll just write "Guilty / Flogged" on this bit of paper in case I fall asleep again when they want the sentence.
We here have nothing but respect for senile retired military. Here is a shot of Grave in his prime:
da236904e580a8e45630718eaf2fda20.jpg
And at his retirement party two years ago (he's the old fart dashing figure) in the right:
images.jpg
 
Figures, doesn’t it? If anyone was to be left behind on the beaches, it would be the women! Every man for himself, as they say.:confused:
Ganz richtig! They complained a lot about that!

Always complaining! I'm sure Connoisseurs and Loxuru took VERY special care of the women

Moment mal! We did nothing against the Geneva Convention! Which does not forbid a strip search for security reasons! We then allowed them to take a refreshing swim in the sea, under our supervision of course!
Sgt. Conoisseurs always exaggerates when it is about women! Probably his French roots, judging from his name. Descending from Huguenotes kicked out of France by Louis XIV, I presume!

I was pleased to be able to treat the court to a special lunch during the break. Judges, Jurors and court personnel assembled in the VIP tent for a repast flown in this morning from Tokyo, courtesy of the JAG Corps. Beluga caviar (somewhat hard to obtain during the current unpleasantness with the Soviet Union), toasted French Bread points, as well as broiled Maine Lobster made a enjoyable meal. Armand de Brignac Ace of Spades Rose, Champagne helped wash it down to clear the way for the seven-layer chocolate torte. Conversation was very convivial.

No Wurst on the menu, unfortunately!:hambre:
 
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