Because I’m one of those who got invitation and decided to travel to meet my fate, I allowed myself to write this introductory part, despite the fact that the story has gone much further.
I’m sorry for my poor English, what can make this text difficult to read or not interesting. But I wanted to imagine the whole situation and describe my feelings.
Island
I am here ... I am driving the rented car on the empty, narrow road and shore with blue clear sea is far behind me. I try not to think, I try to do my head empty and free of emotion, but inside me I feel internally deeply upset. The anxiety in me is quite painful but mixed with strange feeling of excitement … Why I’m here … How it happened? … I don’t want it for real! ... but I’m driving ahead like an automaton to the destination which I have printed on sheet of paper …
It begins to be hot although it’s still morning; I'm not used to Mediterranean temperatures… I feel hungry - because of anxiety I didn’t eat anything in the small hotel where I slept - it’s good that I took water with me …
I’m driving very slowly, looking again and again on printed map although the road is too simple to lose the direction… And despite of my attempts of “not –thinking”, the new wave of cold anxiety flows through my body… The Destination … visible from afar in semi desert area - stony wall with a gate to which the road leads … I’m driving - how slowly now, and I try to be composed, especially now … I’m driving there - although something in me scrams no! …
….
I got the invitation on my mailbox in the worst or maybe the best moment. Two years ago I finished my studies and now was working in big company as one of many ordinary employees. Every day in the evening I returned to small rented flat, tired after all day of dull office work. The time was only for basic things – eat, prepare for work at next day … oh yes, every evening I managed to go for jogging, so that I kept me in good shape, but otherwise - there was not much time left. Of course I dreamed of love but I didn’t have a girl – and maybe good, because I admired beauty of women so much, that (as I thought) I would be immediately in love with every beautiful girl that I would meet on my way … moreover, I was too shy towards them. Thus only dreams and fantasies were left to me, and the Internet has aroused them unusually in my empty flat …
And in this empty time fantasies about cross and crucifixion become overpowering for me … It started few years earlier – on the internet involuntary discovered the beauty of women on cross as something unreal, impossible, as exciting fantasy … and then me … I have read splendid story “The Serpent’s Eye” noticing there the short scene of crucifixion of young thief Albanus, stating that … I’m so similar to him! … I saw my just adult body and I realized that there and then - although I would be as young and full of the will to live as now, I could be as lost as these thousands of slaves, without mercy!... and I would look, I would be ... like they on paintings, on the Internet, in churches ... and I began to desire it, I wanted to be as - …as the young, dark-haired Greek slave watched by Sabina at Pompeii, crucified before her, before people in an embarrassing and obscene way …
Admiring the beauty of women, during evenings in my empty flat, I was dreaming to be crucified - in ancient Rome, as sentenced criminal. I dreamed to be executed on cross before and for those beautiful women which I so much wanted …to be there scapegoat for some ancient Goddess of Love and Desire … I have become like my Love from the story, like Sabina … the serpent started to look into my eyes … And just then I got the message with invitation …
…
First I stated it is joke. But next day, at the office I couldn’t work, again and again thinking of it, taming my growing arousal, hoping that there is no blush at my face. In the evening, thankful to me that I didn't delete the message, I read it many times considering what does it mean, how did they know my name.
For next days the invitation become centre of my life – I started to take under consideration that it is serious! Thoughts of the invitation I could not get out of my head, she mastered me completely. I told myself hundreds of times – yes, I’m addicted to my crux-fantasy, but it is only fantasy!, sexual-addiction - something quite different from reality. You (I) want to live, I love life, I’m young and all is before me … there are so many beautiful women in this beautiful world and finally happiness will smile to me ... But the thought kept coming back - or maybe yet! this is the only chance! It is your dream!
These hundreds sessions with pictures, stories, masturbations and dreams about crucified women …about my crucifixion; the admiration for women bodies so inaccessible to me … this all worked now like drug. I passed accidental group of laughing girls on the street, each with a beauty that delighted me, what made me to think how much I would like to meet one of them ... and knowing that it was impossible, I thought - well, let them do it with me, for those so fantastic girls. I would like so much they see me on cross… No, no ! what I think about, what a fool of me ...! Like drug, the snake stared at me with the eyes of Lilit.
After some time come to me next message - with precise information. Now I knew that the proposal, the invitation is real… No, it was not inner conviction inside me… There was no certainty in me that I was doing right, that this is my will… But I asked for two weeks leave at my work and booked an airline ticket … I was walking to my empty flat, feeling me strange free. Tomorrow the flight ...
I swallowed a handful of sedative pills, but at night I could not fall asleep…
