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Now This Just Isn't Funny

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phlebas said:
I did think it looked rather racy for Pam Ayres!

The following is also a bit too racy to appear in the next Toy Story chapter
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Reminds me of a (probably true) story I heard of a visit by the community police officer to a nursery school -
she showed the bairns the equipment she carries on patrol, when she brought out the handcuffs
a wean called out 'My mummy's got some like that, but hers are pink and fluffy!' :D
 
The TSA has released the results of it's full body scans at airports for 2016:
2016 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA :
Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3
 
Naraku said:
The TSA has released the results of it's full body scans at airports for 2016:
2016 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA :
Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3
Click to expand...

Giggle snort :rolleyes:
 
Loxuru said:
A priest and a nun are playing darts.
To his annoyment, the priest finds out that the nun plays much better than him. As a result, his play even gets worse.
"Damn! Missed!" he shouts when once more, his dart misses its target.
Another bad throw.
"Damn! Missed!"
"Father!" the nun says "Our Dear Lord will be upset with that kind of language!"
But the priest ignores her, throws again and misses.
"Damn! Missed!"
Suddenly, there is a flash of a lightning bolt, hitting the nun.
The priest looks surprised to the smoking hole where the nun just had stood, and then he hears a voice from heaven :
"Damn! Missed!"
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According to the book "A Thief in the Night", by John Cornwell, alleging that Pope John Paul I was murdered, a version of this joke was told by the late Paul Marcinkus, the American archbishop who presided over the Vatican Bank early in the reign of John Paul II when the "Banco Ambrosiano" scandal broke. (The gangster, Roberto Calvi, who owned it bilked depositors, laundered money through the Vatican Bank, and used the prestige of the connection to lure depositors. Calvi ended up hanging by the neck under a bridge in London. Italia wanted to arrest Marcinkus, but John Paul II balked. Cardinals were immune from Italian law, supposedly, but the Concordant was up for renewal, and Italia threatened not to renew it if Marcinkus was made a cardinal. So, he was a "prisoner of the Vatican".) Marcinkus' version was about golf, which he enjoyed playing. I guess that went by the wayside when he had to hide out in the Vatican.
(Cornwell, a British ex-seminarian, is factual, but of course he tends to overstate his case at times. He has another book on Pius XII called "Hitler's Pope". Most historians accept his facts but feel that his conclusion that Pius was an anti-semite who was complicit in the Holocaust was overblown. One can guess from my other posts that the Church is high on my list of institutions which run afoul of my antipathy toward self-serving bullshit.)
 
The largest condom factory in the States burned down.



President Donald Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.



"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."



President Donald Trump: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico."



Caller says, "Bad idea. The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK?"



President Donald Trump: "Okay, I'll call the UK Prime Minister Theresa May and say we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."



Three days later, a delighted President ran out to open the first of the 5,000,000 boxes that had just arrived.



He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:



MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
 
LittleSiss said:
I just found this ....

It's fun and more than precious!
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She was 95 or so when she did this? This lady was cannier than even Oprah Winfrey. She really knew what she was doing and what she wanted. The WC Fields reference is interesting. In "My Little Chickadee", he marries her and ends up in bed with a goat.

There is a good reason that the inflatable life preserver used by the armed services in World War II was universally known as the "Mae West".

At the end of the movie, they exchange each other's signature lines.
He: If you're ever up around the Grampian Hills, you must come up and see my sometime.
She: Ah, yeah, yeah, I'll do that, my little chickadee.
 
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old slave said:
The largest condom factory in the States burned down.



President Donald Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.



"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."



President Donald Trump: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico."



Caller says, "Bad idea. The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK?"



President Donald Trump: "Okay, I'll call the UK Prime Minister Theresa May and say we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."



Three days later, a delighted President ran out to open the first of the 5,000,000 boxes that had just arrived.



He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:



MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
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:thumbsup:
 
This appeals to the pious altar boy/SF geek within who never wholly died.
 

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The classic song "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas" has a whole new meaning when the Ku Klux Klan is singing it.
 
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