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Now This Just Isn't Funny

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old slave

FELIS RESPICIENS
Joined
Dec 16, 2014
Likes
14,786
Location
The windy Pennines, England
NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.
 

Apostate

Administrator Emeritus
Staff member
Joined
Aug 4, 2017
Likes
47,477
Location
The Western Reserve
NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.
:meparto::risas3:
 

Apostate

Administrator Emeritus
Staff member
Joined
Aug 4, 2017
Likes
47,477
Location
The Western Reserve
OK! Just don't forget a homologated fire extinguisher in the manger, a vet standing by for the well-being of the ox and the donkey, and ommit potentially disturbing and disruptive subplots like The Massacre of The Innocents, and we are almost there.;)
I believe The Massacre of the Innocents is under The Hague's jurisdiction.
 

Apostate

Administrator Emeritus
Staff member
Joined
Aug 4, 2017
Likes
47,477
Location
The Western Reserve
Isn´t it only a question of definition for the terms "Massacre" and "Innocents"? Has there ever been a innocent condemned on CF?
Excellent question, connoisseurs. Lots of innocents have gone to the cross, often with my enthusiastic approval. :very_hot:

It’s our policy of no underage victims. And that nobody who hangs out on CF gets off on butchered babies.

I hope. :eek::boaa:
 

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Eulalia

Poet Laureate
Staff member
Joined
Jan 1, 2011
Likes
113,681
Location
The Northern Forest
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Indeed, sitting on the ground is a serious risk to health and safety.
Shepherds must be seated on ergonomically designed shepherd-stools.
Any shepherds experiencing troubled minds must immediately contact the Shepherd Counselling Service.
Shepherds must not run, shout or proclaim tidings of great joy in public thoroughfares, this will only cause panic and confusion.
Shepherds planning to visit any infant must firstly undergo safeguarding training and disclosure checks.
 
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Gibbs505

SERVORUM DOMITOR
Joined
Jul 23, 2012
Likes
29,789
Location
Canada
Don't believe I posted this before:
How many site members does it take to change a light bulb:

1 To change the light bulb and to post that the lightbulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing lightbulbs

13 to flame the spell checkers

18 to correct spelling/grammars flames

6 to argue over whether it's "light-bulb" or "light bulb"

6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

5 know-it-alls who "claim" they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

6 to email the participants ISP's complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

4 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum

23 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off topic forum, and light bulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

11 to defend the posting to this forum, saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

1 to show everyone how he didn't have to change the bulb but fixed it up with duct tape and baling" wire and wants to know if he has now qualified for "Redneck Status"

3 willing to let him have honorary status

15 saying that he is disqualified because his fix actually worked and continues to function and besides nobody was hurt during the repair

1 to ask if the changer was sure that the light bulb was full curl

6 jumping up to argue that it was/wasn't full curl and that they're willing to bet huge sums of money on it

3 to claim that since they have superior visual skill's they don't need those "damn magnum bulbs"

27 to say that the new energy saving bulbs will never replace the old standards and speculate which models will be discontinued in 5-10 years

1 to ask "can you kill an elk with a light bulb?"

Another one to say "Yeah, but a heavy bulb penetrates better and are more likely to make up for poor placement"

8 will insist that the light trajectory from a fixture featuring multiple 60 watt bulbs is flatter than the trajectory of a single big-bore bulb of the same total wattage

8 others will insist upon the opposite view, using Taylor Knock-out values as evidence

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs works best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links that they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "what he said"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

14 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

20 to wonder why some of these people don't read their owner’s manual instead of asking the whole world where the light bulb is, what type it is, and how to change it. But they don't want to put such a question.

8 to say that fluorescent is far superior to incandescent

12 to refute that it makes no difference whether on uses incandescent or fluorescent

3 to say that they "know someone" who was blinded by the use of incandescent's and that only an inexperienced person or an outright fool would choose anything other than fluorescent

3 to state that they have tried reading upside down using incandescent's and still can see absolutely no difference between the two

1 to put his incandescent bulbs in nothing but fibreglass swirly coloured light fixtures

6 to condemn anyone using grid power, obvious from their reference over which type to use and demand that everyone switch to eco-friendly candles

6 to push for further development of LED clusters

3 posters to claim it's all George Bush's fault

1 to ask if Al Gore was claiming to have invented the light bulb

And one forum lurker to respond to the original poster 6 months from now and start it all over again.
 

Apostate

Administrator Emeritus
Staff member
Joined
Aug 4, 2017
Likes
47,477
Location
The Western Reserve
Simply use candles!:rolleyes::idea:
From whichever source, for my part I prefer a dungeon's warm, indirect glow. It’s the ultimate in mood lighting. :eek::very_hot:
 

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Gibbs505

SERVORUM DOMITOR
Joined
Jul 23, 2012
Likes
29,789
Location
Canada
Don't believe I had posted this either.


The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever
Become An Evil Overlord Part 1


1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas
visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same
applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing
them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll
say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then
say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be
carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not
Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid
enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not
clearly be labeled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum-a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving
my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the
bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as
any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or
any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting
his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray
her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge
in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss
unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could
adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap
knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot
soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and
I want my troops to have a more positive
mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power,
I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in their use. That way-even if the heroes manage to
neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
energy weapons useless my troops will not be overrun by a handful of
savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, I
will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
(After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one
small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to
kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner
sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For
the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded
weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it
cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my
enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My
foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no
source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced
with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcements and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me
bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers
are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization
to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more
casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black
leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I
will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are
losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted
lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or
offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed
immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring
feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as
possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-
travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable
of untying ropes and fetching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture
the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and
good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her
in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even
the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general
screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here
is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random
underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can
one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me,
I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting
for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or
technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever
broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will
send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want- Ad in
the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system
that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh
PowerBook's.
 
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