• Sign up or login, and you'll have full access to opportunities of forum.

Now This Just Isn't Funny

Go to CruxDreams.com

cruxer4

Spectator
Once we in the UK are free of the rules of the EC, we can reintroduce our old weights and measures, and allow some new ones:


52 cards: 1 decacards.

1,000 aches: one kilohurtz.

2,000 lb of Chinese soup: won ton.

2,000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds

Basic unit of laryngitis: one hoarsepower.

One million microphones: one megaphone.

Time between slipping on a peel and hitting the pavement. one bananosecond
1,000 milliderfuls = one derful.
 

cruxer4

Spectator
Doctor to patient : "After having examined you, I have to tell you that your condition is terrible! I am afraid there is little to do about!"
Patient : "Tell me, doctor, how long do I have to live!?"
Doctor : "Ten!"
Patient : "Ten!? Ten what, doctor? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?"
Doctor : "Six! Five! Four! Three!......"
"Doc! What can I do to extend my life?"
"Marry a shrew and move to Nebraska."
"How will that help me live longer?"
"It won't, but it will SEEM longer."
 

cruxer4

Spectator
It reminds me of another cartoon which I can't find just now.
Beautiful girl makes offer to boyfriend "tie me up and then you can do anything you like"
He ties her naked to the bed, then goes and plays computer games . . . . .
:doh:

Aha, found it
View attachment 569153
A hooker says to a man, "For $100, I will do anything you want if you can describe it in three words or less."
He says, "OK, paint my house."
 

cruxer4

Spectator
That reminds me of the time I saw John Valby back in the 90's with my bro. We both had sore stomachs the next day from laughing so hard. In the 80's we were both in a rock band, and we would sing the Eat Bite Song (after the gig of course), as fast as we could, like the end of this video. There are many versions, b/c he keeps adding new verses. https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video?fr=yfp-t-s&p=brian+volby+eat+bite+song+youtube#id=2&vid=b555c9148c9f930e8cf40a40471a754b&action=view Also known as Dr. Dirty or The Dirty Piano Player. Yank My Doodle is a classic.
 

cruxer4

Spectator
A Yorkshireman is walking along the beach at Scarborough when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A large genie appears out of the bottle and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after the government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

The genie stares at him a second or two, then says … "Well you crafty old sod."
The Genie grants the man one wish. He says he's terrified of flying, but he has always wanted to visit Hawaii. Could you build me a highway to Hawaii?
The Genie says that would be almost impossible, with all the infrastructure involved. Please make another wish.
The man says I want to understand women.
The Genie says do you want that two lanes or four?
Buhda boom.
 

Eulalia

Poet Laureate
Staff member
This sign is posted in a French church:

En entrant dans cette église, il est possible que vous entendiez l'appel de Dieu.
Par contre, il n’est pas susceptible de vous contacter par téléphone.

Merci d'avoir éteint votre téléphone.

Si vous souhaitez parler à Dieu, entrez, choisissez un endroit tranquille et
parle lui.

Si vous souhaitez le voir, envoyez-lui un SMS en conduisant.

Translation:

It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God.

On the other hand, it is not likely that he will contact you by phone.

Thank you for turning off your phone.

If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and

talk to him.

If you would like to see him, send him a text while driving.
I did once see:

CONFESSIONS

Surveillance par video

(Your confession may be recorded for training and quality purposes? :eek: )

 

Frank Petrexa

Governor
I did once see:

CONFESSIONS

Surveillance par video

(Your confession may be recorded for training and quality purposes? :eek: )

In the old days, with those little booths, the main problems with confessions were halitosis and BO, not surveillance. Actually, this is rife for automation. The "penance" was usually cookie-cutter anyway. It lends itself to a database. "Adultery". "How many times?" "Five". "Give $5,000 to the building fund."
 

Praefectus Praetorio

Brother of the Quill
In the old days, with those little booths, the main problems with confessions were halitosis and BO, not surveillance. Actually, this is rife for automation. The "penance" was usually cookie-cutter anyway. It lends itself to a database. "Adultery". "How many times?" "Five". "Give $5,000 to the building fund."
"Alexa, I have sinned."

5c72e76c400bbd6fd9dc143ca00adf2f--wine-images-high-school-teachers.jpg
 

twonines

Magistrate
The Genie grants the man one wish. He says he's terrified of flying, but he has always wanted to visit Hawaii. Could you build me a highway to Hawaii?
The Genie says that would be almost impossible, with all the infrastructure involved. Please make another wish.
The man says I want to understand women.
The Genie says do you want that two lanes or four?
Buhda boom.
On the same theme, the genie tells the man that he can grant him anything he wishes with the caveat that his worst enemy will receive double. The man thinks, then makes his first wish, to own a paradise island populated by nubile young ladies, the second to become a multi-millionaire. What about your third wish says the genie. That`s easy, i`d like one testicle removed please.
 

connoisseurs

Senator
In the old days, with those little booths, the main problems with confessions were halitosis and BO, not surveillance. Actually, this is rife for automation. The "penance" was usually cookie-cutter anyway. It lends itself to a database. "Adultery". "How many times?" "Five". "Give $5,000 to the building fund."
If you want to avoid such a situation just:
9TzbqFbP_o.gif
I never thought how much fun it can be to do good :)
 

Apostate

Administrator Emeritus
Staff member
On the same theme, the genie tells the man that he can grant him anything he wishes with the caveat that his worst enemy will receive double. The man thinks, then makes his first wish, to own a paradise island populated by nubile young ladies, the second to become a multi-millionaire. What about your third wish says the genie. That`s easy, i`d like one testicle removed please.
A Russian version I heard had the man say "Put out one of my eyes."
 
Top Bottom