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Now This Just Isn't Funny

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After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
 
1. How many forum members does it take .....

To change a light bulb

1 To change the light bulb and to post that the lightbulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing lightbulbs

13 to flame the spell checkers

18 to correct spelling/grammars flames

6 to argue over whether it's "light-bulb" or "light bulb"

6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

5 know-it-alls who "claim" they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

6 to email the participants ISP's complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

4 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum

23 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off topic forum, and light bulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

11 to defend the posting to this forum, saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

1 to show everyone how he didn't have to change the bulb but fixed it up with duct tape and baling" wire and wants to know if he has now qualified for "Redneck Status"

3 willing to let him have honorary status

15 saying that he is disqualified because his fix actually worked and continues to function and besides nobody was hurt during the repair

1 to ask if the changer was sure that the light bulb was full curl

6 jumping up to argue that it was/wasn't full curl and that they're willing to bet huge sums of money on it

3 to claim that since they have superior visual skill's they don't need those "damn magnum bulbs"

27 to say that the new energy saving bulbs will never replace the old standards and speculate which models will be discontinued in 5-10 years

1 to ask "can you kill an elk with a light bulb?"

Another one to say "Yeah, but a heavy bulb penetrates better and are more likely to make up for poor placement"

8 will insist that the light trajectory from a fixture featuring multiple 60 watt bulbs is flatter than the trajectory of a single big-bore bulb of the same total wattage

8 others will insist upon the opposite view, using Taylor Knock-out values as evidence

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs works best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links that they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "what he said"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

14 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

20 to wonder why some of these people don't read their owner’s manual instead of asking the whole world where the light bulb is, what type it is, and how to change it. But they don't want to put such a question.

8 to say that fluorescent is far superior to incandescent

12 to refute that it makes no difference whether on uses incandescent or fluorescent

3 to say that they "know someone" who was blinded by the use of incandescent's and that only an inexperienced person or an outright fool would choose anything other than fluorescent

3 to state that they have tried reading upside down using incandescent's and still can see absolutely no difference between the two

1 to put his incandescent bulbs in nothing but fibreglass swirly coloured light fixtures

6 to condemn anyone using grid power, obvious from their reference over which type to use and demand that everyone switch to eco-friendly candles

6 to push for further development of LED clusters

3 posters to claim it's all George Bush's fault

1 to ask if Al Gore was claiming to have invented the light bulb

And one forum lurker to respond to the original poster 6 months from now and start it all over again.
 
All a valid analysis, but to be accurate, "light bulbs" are actually "dark suckers." See the below article from Bell Labs:

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a spokesman from the Labs, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.

As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.

There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.

The immense power of dark can be utilized to a man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generates electricity and helps push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric light bulb, remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.
 
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Stone F--king Brilliant! Smartest, funniest shit I've read in years!
 
1. How many forum members does it take .....

To change a light bulb

This overlooks 1 literary nerd who quotes all the poems about changing light bulbs that have ever been written :p

Lord Finchley tried to mend the Electric Light
Himself. It struck him dead: And serve him right!
It is the business of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan.

Hilaire Belloc


Light Bulb by Cameron Logan

There once was a lone light bulb,
which lit this front porch, just for me,
every night, it'd find the power,
to give me light so I could see,

For years and years, the bulb would shine,
I took for granted all its light,
and when the darkness fell upon me,
The bulb would make the darkness bright,

But as time passed, the bulb burnt out,
and all its light became no more,
for once, I saw not who I was,
but all the wrong I'd done before,

As my hopeless eyes grew weary,
I went inside to grab a bulb,
but no other light could take it's place,
the task was much too bold,

and nothing would ever be the same.

- - -

Then came a time, my life was sullen,
my fears were governing my mind,
the darkness pierced me like a plague,
it took the reins and made me blind,

And on the porch, with my affliction,
a light would pierce the dark and glisten,
I looked up unto the sky,
the moon and stars became my vision,

I was free from this dark prison.

- - -

While the bulb I knew and loved,
could only give me light so long,
This new source would shine forever,
as it'd been here all along,
with its power, pure and strong,

Still I think about that bulb,
and how hard it worked to give me light,
I hope someday to do the same,
for someone else who loses sight,

I pray I'll shine just as bright.
 
:D

Water Bottle Poem
by InheritingGrace

I am a water bottle
being filled up.
It’s taking forever —
why couldn’t I be a cup??

Maybe there’s a hole in me,
leaking steadily away —
laughing at my attempts to try
keeping this emptiness at bay.

Is the water line even changing?
I’ve been striving for so long
to keep filling up my insides
while keeping my outside bright and strong.

Water is not enough to fill me —
too easy to be drained.
I need a spring of living water
installed inside my frame!

Once taken up in residence,
this spring will now provide
enough living water
for every thirst in sight!

I am a hole-y water bottle,
being filled up.
Unable to myself obtain
what never is enough.

But with my spring of living water
I am filled from rim to rim.
Some days my holes still taunt at me,
but they can never win!
 
I am entertaining the possibility of dying of laughter......plane repairs, light bulbs dark suckers, who licks who's balls, it's all too much for my delicate constitution!

:duke:
 
Last Saturday night, cruising the singles bars, clubs, beer joints etc.,
I picked up this Cutie at the local Mitre Joint.

View attachment 466525
(Bada-Boom-Ouch! Apologies in advance!)
Ego Stipes Ergo Sum

I'd vote for Women Bishops! :D
 
Bedroom Hints

..... if you decide to experiment with anal beads .... apparently you are supposed to insert them and then gently ease them out one at a time.
I didn't know that .... so pulling them out as if I was starting a Lawn Mower ruined the mood of the evening.
 
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