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Now This Just Isn't Funny
- Thread starter admihoek
- Start date
Marcius
Tribune
True paideia is hard to attain.
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he's pissed
etc thanks to the Philosophy department of the University of Woolloomooloo
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
old slave
FELIS RESPICIENS
Too late for me, but the following advice was recommended to a young man about to get married.
Before committal, have your prospective wife sign the following oath.
I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT:
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. It will be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!" and howling like a cat that's had it's tail stood on..
2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding in which you are sporting a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever, or even look at you in a way that suggests they are at all "funny".
3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.
5. I will also mention this to all your friends. A lot.
6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
7. I will never, ever, give your penis a "cute" nickname.
8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner and hide their car keys so they have to stay.
10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or, may one day meet. And, if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".
11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the vacuum and the washing machine, of course.
Branch Librarian on a branch...
What did she sleep her way to?
Sadly that we this titles not have in our libary.
cruxlover
Tribune
Philosipher's song by Barry McKenzie:
Emanual Kant was a real piss-ant, Nietzie seldom sober
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, but the devil when he's sober.
My other half was a librarian . . . . . .
I'll have to try talking Dewey to her, let's see, 941.025, 884.2 . . . . . .
Nah, I think I'll have a drink instead, want to join us?
My other half was a librarian . . . . . .
I'll have to try talking Dewey to her, let's see, 941.025, 884.2 . . . . . .
Nah, I think I'll have a drink instead, want to join us?
View attachment 488773
Mona is said to lose all inhibitions after six drinks.
KvK
Tribune
A woman had just been convicted of the second degree murder of her husband. The judge asked her if she had anything to say before he passed sentence.
"I feared my husband was going to kill me," declared the woman, before delivering the old t-shirt cliche "It is better to be judged by twelve than to be carried by six."
"Okaaaaay..." said the judge before sentencing her to crucifixion.
When the appointed hour came, the woman was stripped naked and bound to a Saint Andrew's Cross. But, before the cross was raised, the judge appeared before her.
"Remember when you said 'It is better to be judged by twelve than to be carried by six'?"
The woman stared at the judge blankly.
"You will notice" continued the judge "that there are three men on either side of the cross. These six men will raise the cross and lead to your hours of agony. So, the only thing you accomplished by getting legal advice from a stupid t-shirt was BOTH being judged by twelve AND being carried by six."
"I feared my husband was going to kill me," declared the woman, before delivering the old t-shirt cliche "It is better to be judged by twelve than to be carried by six."
"Okaaaaay..." said the judge before sentencing her to crucifixion.
When the appointed hour came, the woman was stripped naked and bound to a Saint Andrew's Cross. But, before the cross was raised, the judge appeared before her.
"Remember when you said 'It is better to be judged by twelve than to be carried by six'?"
The woman stared at the judge blankly.
"You will notice" continued the judge "that there are three men on either side of the cross. These six men will raise the cross and lead to your hours of agony. So, the only thing you accomplished by getting legal advice from a stupid t-shirt was BOTH being judged by twelve AND being carried by six."
old slave
FELIS RESPICIENS
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes a man think about a candlelit dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four men watching a game of football
.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What’s the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before women?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because not one of them stops to ask directions.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Straight through the rib cage.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes a man think about a candlelit dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four men watching a game of football
.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What’s the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before women?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because not one of them stops to ask directions.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
old slave
FELIS RESPICIENS
A request from a lady I could not ignore
LittleSiss
Sorceress
Ted Parry
Governor
These scammers that ring most days to tell you there is a problem with your Internet really piss me off.
Often quite a cultured voice but invariably with a hint of curry.
My considered reply these days is to say ..... "Have you heard the good news about Jesus"
Funny that they seem to break the connection and forget about my Internet problem ......
Often quite a cultured voice but invariably with a hint of curry.
My considered reply these days is to say ..... "Have you heard the good news about Jesus"
Funny that they seem to break the connection and forget about my Internet problem ......
Ted Parry
Governor
Tree's Cradle ?