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Now This Just Isn't Funny

Discussion in 'Crucified Women' started by melissa, Aug 21, 2012.

  1. MScott

    MScott Onlooker

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    Q: Why won't sharks eat lawyers?
    A: Professional courtesy.
     
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  2. sympazero2

    sympazero2 Cruciformae Studiosus

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    Q: What's the difference between a dead snake on
    the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
    A: Skid marks in front of the snake.


    A Lawyer dies in his sleep and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
    He asks St Peter "Why am I here? I thought I was healthy, what did I die of?
    St Peter checks his clip-board and replies "Old age."
    The lawyer says "Old age?? I'm 36!!"
    St Peter looks dubiously at the lawyer: "According to your hours billed you're 114."
     
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  3. thehangingtree

    thehangingtree Proconsul Staff Member

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    "There was a major tragedy. A tour bus of lawyers missed a curve, fell into a ravine, and they were all killed."

    "That is horrible!"

    "Yes, there were three empty seats...."
     
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  4. Ted Parry

    Ted Parry Assistant executioner

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    Remembering back to when I was a “young” man ’1962-’63…. there was a brilliant satire programme
    on the BBC (believe it or not) called “That Was The Week That Was” or TW3 as it came to be known.

    It rapidly gained a reputation for the demolition of Politicians and the Establishment in general, they
    actually broadcast items that others only dared to think.

    The most amazing group of writers came up with both serious and funny items at the drop of a hat,
    the most memorable of which was the song “In the Summer of his Years” written overnight after the
    assassination of JFK and performed the following day on the show by Millicent Martin.
    It was later recorded by such notable performers as Mahalia Jackson and Connie Francis among
    others (all available on You Tube)

    I recently remembered snatches of a comedy sketch referring to the housewives of Camberley who
    had a reputation for, shall we say, an interest in Tradesmen. The local Council actually sent a memo
    warning their staff of the situation ….. after a long search I finally found it on the Web ….

    “The Ballad of Camberley Kate” was written by Bill Oddie of "The Goodies" … yes, the bearded bird watcher
    who is and always has been a very clever comedian.


    THE BALLAD OF CAMBERLEY KATE

    In the street of a thousand prefabs, by the sign of the Swinging Pan,
    Lived an amorous wife, who blighted the life, out of many a maintenance man,
    She was long past her prime, she was ravaged by time, and the workmen who served the estate,
    But none could resist, she was top of the list, and her name was Camberley Kate.

    Now Camberley Kate would wait by the gate, for the workmen on wash day each week,
    Then she'd open it wide and pull them inside, and show them her scrubbing technique,
    She was old, she was grey, but she had a way with a brush, that made tradesmen yearn,
    She give ‘em a shock just by ironing a sock, but she asked for much more in return,
    For her favours were bought with a pint or a quart, or a couple of hundredweight,
    And though workmen did try, they could not satisfy, the demands of Camberley Kate.

    Now the council knew Kate always kept up a rate, so they thought they should keep up with hers,
    One workmen a day, wouldn't keep her away, they decided to send them in pairs,
    They sent them by ones, they sent them by twos, they sent them by threes and by four,
    Then they called in the army and sent in platoons, they came back defeated and slightly depleted,
    And still Kate was screaming for more.

    It was Saturday night in the town Hall and the council were deep in prayer,
    When the door bell rang with a thunderous clang, that nearly deafened the mayor,
    And in walked a chap in a filthy cloth cap, who said I’ll do the trick,
    In a dirty old mac, with a bin on his back, they knew it was Dustman Dick.

    Now Dustman Dick, just out the Nick, was sent to call on Kate,
    She threw back the door and she let out a roar, as he stood by the garden gate,
    But Dustman Dick was far from thick, he knew how he should start,
    He stepped aside so Kate espied his ruddy great refuse cart,
    His joy and his pride, it was 15 foot wide, 20 horsepower and 13 foot tall,
    With a squeak of glee, Kate said that's for me, so he drove it right through the wall.

    For forty days and forty nights Dick laboured but in vain,
    As he emptied each bin with a hideous grin, she filled ‘em right up again,
    When it seemed he would drop with a flick of her mop, Kate inspired him back to action,
    He tried and he tried but they both went and died, and Kate never had satisfaction.

    In the street of a thousand prefabs, now the wives are back to complaining,
    For the maintenance men never show, when you feel like a bit of maintaining,
    And the housewives sigh for the days gone by, when the workmen were never late,
    It was thanks to her, they had more than their share, and her name was Camberley Kate.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2017
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  5. phlebas

    phlebas PRIMUS POENUS

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    Sounds like our Dorothy!
     
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  6. old slave

    old slave FELIS RESPICIENS

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    WELSH HUMOUR (With apologies to DarkPrincess, who I hope will find it as funny as I did)

    Dai had proposed to Megan and been accepted.

    "But", added Megan,"before we get married I must tell you something about my past life."

    "No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."

    After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth, Megan again brought up the subject of her 'Secret'

    "No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."

    That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see, I'm a virgin."

    Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house.

    "Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

    "It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."

    "Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home. If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."
     
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  7. Ted Parry

    Ted Parry Assistant executioner

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    Another example of the way in which "TW3" dealt with things that people just didn't talk about .... although others pussyfooted around the subject, the stark realities of race prejudice in the deep south were brought to our attention in a shocking manner ...... This was five years BEFORE Martin Luther King was gunned down ......... (definitely not PC today)

     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2017 at 11:25 AM
  8. Naraku

    Naraku Draconarius

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    Reminds me of a Benny Hill joke:

    Definition of "Welsh rarebit".
    A virgin in Cardiff.
     
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  9. Gibbs505

    Gibbs505 SERVORUM DOMITOR

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    Four-and-twenty virgins come down from Inverness,
    And when the Ball was over, there were four-and-twenty less,

    Singin' balls to your partner, your ass against the wall,
    If ya never been had on a Saturday night, ya never been had at all..

    There was doin' in the parlor, there was doin' on the stones,
    But ya couldn't a hear the music for the wheezin' and the groans,

    Singin' balls to your partner, your ass against the wall,
    If ya never been had on a Saturday night, ya never been had at all.

    The undertaker, he was there, all wrapped up in a shroud,
    Swingin' from the chandelier, and peein' on the crowd,

    Singin' balls to your partner, your ass against the wall,
    If ya never been had on a Saturday night, ya never been had at all.

    The village cripple, he was there, ah he could not do much,
    So he lined the ladies against the wall, and he did 'em with his crutch,

    Singin' balls to your partner, your ass against the wall,
    If ya never been had on a Saturday night, ya never been had at all.

    Miss Mary Mcpherson was standin' way up front,
    Some posies in her hand, and a carrot in her cunt,

    Singin' balls to your partner, your ass against the wall,
    If ya never been had on a Saturday night, ya never been had at all.

    The Village postman, he was there, but the poor man had the pox,
    He could not do the lassies, so he did the letter box,

    Singin' balls to your partner, your ass against the wall,
    If ya never been had on a Saturday night, ya never been had at all.

    The Village Magician, he was there, he gave us all a laugh,
    He pulled his foreskin over his head, and he vanished up his ass,

    Singin' balls to your partner, your ass against the wall,
    If ya never been had on a Saturday night, ya never been had at all.
     
  10. andy01

    andy01 Assistant executioner

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    The local plumber, he was there; he felt an awful fool:
    He'd travelled forty miles, but he'd forgot to bring his tool.
     
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  11. old slave

    old slave FELIS RESPICIENS

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    Ah, TW3, the first time this young'un realised that toffs could be parodied and were just as stupid as us country bumkins.
     
  12. Barbaria1

    Barbaria1 Rebel Leader Staff Member

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    Simply marvelous :clapping:
     
  13. phlebas

    phlebas PRIMUS POENUS

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    She told her boyfriend that she wanted to stay in that night and spend some quality time with him

    evening_relaxation_by_dungeonguy59-daro93q.jpg
     
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  14. Barbaria1

    Barbaria1 Rebel Leader Staff Member

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    but THAT was definitely not what she had in mind! :confused:
     
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  15. sympazero2

    sympazero2 Cruciformae Studiosus

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    She: I'm huffing and puffing here, and getting nowhere!
    He: I think I see the problem, my dear. First of all, it's only called a blow job.

    Ego Stipes Ergo Sum
     
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  16. Loxuru

    Loxuru Graf von Kreuzigung

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    You mean : that she could not reach for the beer?:mad:
     
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