Jon Smithie
Tribune
In which one of the most beloved characters in English fiction is flogged for a thief.
My version of Austen's "Pride And Prejudice." Hey, if we can have "Pride And Prejudice And Zombies," why not this? I've only written the first little bit, because I decided to get going on another project. I'll post what I have and see if it's anything anyone is interested in reading. Also to test my latest updated word processor.
When I started on this, I envisioned three actors who have portrayed Elizabeth Bennet in movies and TV series. I'm curious to know which Elizabeth Bennet you would like to see strung up and flogged?
Jennifer Ehle played Elizabeth Bennet in the 1995 BBC TV series. She's a perfect English rose (even though she was born in North Carolina.) She's smiling and happy, obviously before her arrest on a trumped up charge of thievery.
OR. . .
Keira Knightley as Elizabeth in the 2005 movie version. Here she is being informed that she will be taken to Hunsford, near Rosings Estate, to answer charges submitted by her nemesis, Lady Catherine de Bourgh.
Elizabeth, stripped to her shift, hearing the sentence of the magistrate.
OR . . .
Lily James as Elizabeth in the 2016 version "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies." Here the magistrate, the Earl of Kent (Lady Catherine de Bourgh's brother) is informing Elizabeth that she is likely to be flogged and sent to the bridewell. . .
. . . unless, perhaps, she agrees to some alternate arrangement. . .
PRIDE AND PUNISHMENT
The news spread through Meryton and Longbourn at the speed of gossip. Those hearing the report were variously aghast, dismayed, or simply disbelieving, These were civilized and decorous times, after all, those of the disbelieving inclination assured their presumably more gullible neighbors, and although corporal punishments were of course still necessary and useful as correctives, at least among the lower classes, correction of females was almost exclusively done in the prisons and Bridewells, out of public view. Not that such considerations would ever attach to the Bennets of Longborn, who were, if not a great or noble family, a respectable family of the landed gentry.
Incredibly, however, confirmation was soon to follow in the form of a public notice in the broadsheet that was distributed weekly to disseminate the news of the day. Among the news and gossip and opinion it propagated, were published the various legal decisions that impinged on the lives of the inhabitants of the region. And since this bit of news was so remarkable, it was described and dissected in all its particulars. And so it was true, as true as that the sun never set on the British empire, as true as that murderers and thieves were hanged at Tyburn: Miss Elizabeth Bennet, second daughter of Mr. Bennet of Longbourn, known variously as Eliza and Lizzy, was to be whipped for a thief!
Lady Catherine de Bourgh of Rosings Estate, near the village of Hunsford in Kent, had brought the charges against Miss Bennet. It seemed that upon being informed that several books had gone missing from her library, books last seen in the hands of Miss Bennet during a visit to Rosings, and several other items of both monetary and sentimental value. Lady Catherine had obtained a warrant to search the person and property of the young lady. This she obtained from the magistrate in Kent, who was one and the same person as her brother, the Earl.
The services of a London thief-taker were duly engaged, and Lady Catherine turned over the warrant to him.
TWO WEEKS EARLIER
“My dear sister,” Earl Robert of Kent said, with a glint of rare amusement in his eye. “As deeply as it pains me to inform you, I simply cannot have this young woman hanged for borrowing some few of your books.” The Earl of Kent could be a severe, arrogant, and inflexible man, but when he conversed with his sister, he still felt the stirrings of the glee he used to feel as a child when baiting her.
Lady Catherine de Bourgh sniffed at the impertinence of her brother. Had it not been for the accident of her sex, she would have been the inheritor of the family lands and properties. And not only that; she acutely felt herself to be far more deserving, being, in her opinion, more upright morally, certainly not given, as rumors concerning her brother had it, to the sins of avarice and lust.
"My dear brother," Lady Catherine said, "I did not say 'borrowed,' I said 'stolen'." This piece of baggage, this Miss Elizabeth Bennet, is a vixen, I tell you, why she is nothing more than a common thief! I opened the doors of Rosings to her, I was the very soul of hospitality, welcoming her into my home, and this is how she repaid me! By absconding with two of my very valuable, early edition drawing books by Meister Girolomeo! Oh, no, dear Brother, this cannot be borne! She must pay the penalty for her betrayal of my condescension and kindness. Frankly, as all well know, I am not in the least a vengeful woman, in fact, quite the reverse; yet time and again my natural kindness and generosity is turned against me, as in the present instance. And though normally I turn the other cheek, as is my Christian duty, I must insist on a remedy. I ask only that you do your duty as magistrate, dear Brother.”
“And upon what evidence do you believe Miss Bennet to be guilty of taking these invaluable tomes?” Earl Robert asked.
“Upon the evidence of Dawson, my houskeeper, who saw the young woman looking through those very books after our evening repast during Miss Bennet's visit. I had expressed dismay, and very appropriately too, I might add, at Miss Bennet's confessed lack of facility in the drawing arts; for what is the education of our young ladies coming to, if they have not learned to draw well, as I would have done, if I'd had the leisure to devote myself to it, with my a natural ability in the arts. Be that as it may, as I was saying, Dawson said Miss Bennet borrowed these books after I had recommended them to her for her general improvement in the drawing skills. And they had not been returned to their proper place in the shelves, for I am most particular about such things, nor have they been seen about Rosings Estate since she left!”
“Well,” Earl Robert said, “Assuming the young lady did in fact take them, is it possible that she misinterpreted your exhortations and borrowed the books for prolonged study? Have you attempted the obvious remedy, dear Sister, and simply asked this creature, this vixen, as you characterize her, if she has the volumes in question and to return them to you if she does?”
“Pah!” The older woman exclaimed. “You are determined to excuse this enormity! Dawson was quite clear to the little thief that the volumes could not leave the library. Since you choose not to believe me, dear Brother, perhaps you would do my housekeeper the honor of believing her! I shall send her to relate her testimony directly to you at your earliest convenience.”
It occurred to the Earl that his sister, at the best of times a meddlesome and opinionated woman, and certainly given to anger over trivialites, nevertheless seemed especially wrathful about this young woman, Miss Elizabeth Bennet. To the best of his recollection she had never before asked him to have someone who offended her sent to the gallows.
“That will not be necessary, I am sure.” the Earl said, “I am merely exploring other possible interpretations of her actions. Interpretations that she would no doubt place upon them if confronted. I must say that being the soul of generosity and kindness that you are, your righteous anger seems to be all out of proportion to, I hesitate to say, such a seemingly inconsequential act. Especially given that you have not attempted to resolve the issue by communicating with the young woman.”
“Inconsequential you say!” Lady Catherine cried. “Why this strikes at the very foundations of civilized behavior! But more than that, dear Brother, if you must know, the woman is not a mere thief of books, but a thief of hearts as well! Oh yes, dear Brother, justly and with good cause have I laid the charge of thievery at her doorstep; but I would also extend it to the charge of enchantress! The woman has designs to marry above her station!”
“This last charge, my dear lady, hardly constitutes an actionable offence,” said Earl Robert, “At least, not by a mere country magistrate such as myself. I recommend that you present that particular complaint to Cupid, or perhaps Circe.”
“You mock me, Robert, as you always have. But know this: I have it upon good authority that the man Miss Elizateth Bennet has enchanted is none other than our nephew, Fitzwilliam, and has designs of matrimony. Knowing full well that he is affianced to my own Anne, your niece, this same Miss Elizabeth Bennet has adventured herself to win his heart. And don't speak to me of communicating with the young baggage, for that is exactly what I betook myself to do! I condescended to make a special visit at her own home in Longbourn, a mean and squalid estate if I were to be critical, peopled with family and staff who are little more than beasts! And for my considerable trouble I was met with nothing but insufferable rudeness and brazen denial when I attempted to interview the young woman concerning her designs upon Fitzwilliam. The little hussy told me, in so many words, to mind my own business! Why she deserves the noose for this piece of impertinence alone!”
Now the Earl understood his sister's wrath. From the time Fitzwilliam Darcy and Anne De Bourgh were infants, Catherine and their sister Anne, Fitzwilliam's mother, had determined that the two cousins would be wed one day, and what a fine match it would be.
The intervening years had seen Fitzwilliam grow into a man of high moral and physical qualities, driven by business and social concerns, and who had increased his considerable inheritance to the point that he was one of the wealthiest men in England. Meanwhile, Anne had blossomed, if that were the word, into a pallid and pale flower, for she was frequently in ill health, nor was she given room to grow, being tended altogether too closely by her mother. The Earl had accepted as a matter of course that Anne and Fitzwilliam would be married, as his sisters had advanced the prospect so forcefully, and, according to Catherine, it had been their sister's dying wish. He had looked forward to the day when the Darcy wealth would be bound ever more tightly within the family. That could not be but to the Earl's benefit, for he was under continuous financial pressure due to his speculations and the poor management of his properties. He had in the past attempted to intrude upon Fitzwilliam's considerable generosity, when the Earl had found himself in a compromising position financially, and had been refused. Regretfully and politely enough, it was true, but the fact of the rejection in itself gave the Earl cause to store up a grudge against his nephew in his heart.
“Well, Robert, now that you know the full tale, what have you to say?”
Earl Robert did not answer immediately, but sat down at his desk, and with a wave of his hand indicated that his sister should sit as well.
“And how does our Fitzwilliam feel towards this young woman? Would you say he is in love?”
Lady Catherine sniffed.
“Love!” she exclaimed. “He is enchanted, he is infatuated, that is all! She is a comely young thing, I will admit, though it is universally acknowledged that she is not so attractive as her eldest sister. But it is the character and attainments of a woman that constitute true Beauty, and Miss Elizabeth Bennet is far too lacking in both of those qualities to aspire to the appelation of Beautiful.”
By which Earl Robert understood that Miss Bennet was very attractive indeed. His interest was piqued. He took a deep breath, determined to be patient.
“And yet, have you heard, or can you gauge, the degree of Fitzwilliam's regard?
“I have heard that he has gone so far as to propose marriage, though that is mere rumor that I find difficult of belief, for certainly she would have accepted him as soon as the words left his mouth! I can only assume that perhaps he considered making an offer to her, but upon mature reflection realized how socially inferior she and her whole tribe is, and reconsidered his purpose. But that he is enamored of her I fully believe. He is in danger, Sir, in very grave danger.”
Earl Robert remained in quiet reflection for several minutes. He was beginning to work out how the grudge he had against Fitzwilliam could now be paid back with interest, how the upright, inflexible, tiresomely moral young man's pride could be brought low.
My version of Austen's "Pride And Prejudice." Hey, if we can have "Pride And Prejudice And Zombies," why not this? I've only written the first little bit, because I decided to get going on another project. I'll post what I have and see if it's anything anyone is interested in reading. Also to test my latest updated word processor.
When I started on this, I envisioned three actors who have portrayed Elizabeth Bennet in movies and TV series. I'm curious to know which Elizabeth Bennet you would like to see strung up and flogged?
Jennifer Ehle played Elizabeth Bennet in the 1995 BBC TV series. She's a perfect English rose (even though she was born in North Carolina.) She's smiling and happy, obviously before her arrest on a trumped up charge of thievery.OR. . .
Keira Knightley as Elizabeth in the 2005 movie version. Here she is being informed that she will be taken to Hunsford, near Rosings Estate, to answer charges submitted by her nemesis, Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Elizabeth, stripped to her shift, hearing the sentence of the magistrate.OR . . .
Lily James as Elizabeth in the 2016 version "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies." Here the magistrate, the Earl of Kent (Lady Catherine de Bourgh's brother) is informing Elizabeth that she is likely to be flogged and sent to the bridewell. . . . . . unless, perhaps, she agrees to some alternate arrangement. . .PRIDE AND PUNISHMENT
The news spread through Meryton and Longbourn at the speed of gossip. Those hearing the report were variously aghast, dismayed, or simply disbelieving, These were civilized and decorous times, after all, those of the disbelieving inclination assured their presumably more gullible neighbors, and although corporal punishments were of course still necessary and useful as correctives, at least among the lower classes, correction of females was almost exclusively done in the prisons and Bridewells, out of public view. Not that such considerations would ever attach to the Bennets of Longborn, who were, if not a great or noble family, a respectable family of the landed gentry.
Incredibly, however, confirmation was soon to follow in the form of a public notice in the broadsheet that was distributed weekly to disseminate the news of the day. Among the news and gossip and opinion it propagated, were published the various legal decisions that impinged on the lives of the inhabitants of the region. And since this bit of news was so remarkable, it was described and dissected in all its particulars. And so it was true, as true as that the sun never set on the British empire, as true as that murderers and thieves were hanged at Tyburn: Miss Elizabeth Bennet, second daughter of Mr. Bennet of Longbourn, known variously as Eliza and Lizzy, was to be whipped for a thief!
Lady Catherine de Bourgh of Rosings Estate, near the village of Hunsford in Kent, had brought the charges against Miss Bennet. It seemed that upon being informed that several books had gone missing from her library, books last seen in the hands of Miss Bennet during a visit to Rosings, and several other items of both monetary and sentimental value. Lady Catherine had obtained a warrant to search the person and property of the young lady. This she obtained from the magistrate in Kent, who was one and the same person as her brother, the Earl.
The services of a London thief-taker were duly engaged, and Lady Catherine turned over the warrant to him.
TWO WEEKS EARLIER
“My dear sister,” Earl Robert of Kent said, with a glint of rare amusement in his eye. “As deeply as it pains me to inform you, I simply cannot have this young woman hanged for borrowing some few of your books.” The Earl of Kent could be a severe, arrogant, and inflexible man, but when he conversed with his sister, he still felt the stirrings of the glee he used to feel as a child when baiting her.
Lady Catherine de Bourgh sniffed at the impertinence of her brother. Had it not been for the accident of her sex, she would have been the inheritor of the family lands and properties. And not only that; she acutely felt herself to be far more deserving, being, in her opinion, more upright morally, certainly not given, as rumors concerning her brother had it, to the sins of avarice and lust.
"My dear brother," Lady Catherine said, "I did not say 'borrowed,' I said 'stolen'." This piece of baggage, this Miss Elizabeth Bennet, is a vixen, I tell you, why she is nothing more than a common thief! I opened the doors of Rosings to her, I was the very soul of hospitality, welcoming her into my home, and this is how she repaid me! By absconding with two of my very valuable, early edition drawing books by Meister Girolomeo! Oh, no, dear Brother, this cannot be borne! She must pay the penalty for her betrayal of my condescension and kindness. Frankly, as all well know, I am not in the least a vengeful woman, in fact, quite the reverse; yet time and again my natural kindness and generosity is turned against me, as in the present instance. And though normally I turn the other cheek, as is my Christian duty, I must insist on a remedy. I ask only that you do your duty as magistrate, dear Brother.”
“And upon what evidence do you believe Miss Bennet to be guilty of taking these invaluable tomes?” Earl Robert asked.
“Upon the evidence of Dawson, my houskeeper, who saw the young woman looking through those very books after our evening repast during Miss Bennet's visit. I had expressed dismay, and very appropriately too, I might add, at Miss Bennet's confessed lack of facility in the drawing arts; for what is the education of our young ladies coming to, if they have not learned to draw well, as I would have done, if I'd had the leisure to devote myself to it, with my a natural ability in the arts. Be that as it may, as I was saying, Dawson said Miss Bennet borrowed these books after I had recommended them to her for her general improvement in the drawing skills. And they had not been returned to their proper place in the shelves, for I am most particular about such things, nor have they been seen about Rosings Estate since she left!”
“Well,” Earl Robert said, “Assuming the young lady did in fact take them, is it possible that she misinterpreted your exhortations and borrowed the books for prolonged study? Have you attempted the obvious remedy, dear Sister, and simply asked this creature, this vixen, as you characterize her, if she has the volumes in question and to return them to you if she does?”
“Pah!” The older woman exclaimed. “You are determined to excuse this enormity! Dawson was quite clear to the little thief that the volumes could not leave the library. Since you choose not to believe me, dear Brother, perhaps you would do my housekeeper the honor of believing her! I shall send her to relate her testimony directly to you at your earliest convenience.”
It occurred to the Earl that his sister, at the best of times a meddlesome and opinionated woman, and certainly given to anger over trivialites, nevertheless seemed especially wrathful about this young woman, Miss Elizabeth Bennet. To the best of his recollection she had never before asked him to have someone who offended her sent to the gallows.
“That will not be necessary, I am sure.” the Earl said, “I am merely exploring other possible interpretations of her actions. Interpretations that she would no doubt place upon them if confronted. I must say that being the soul of generosity and kindness that you are, your righteous anger seems to be all out of proportion to, I hesitate to say, such a seemingly inconsequential act. Especially given that you have not attempted to resolve the issue by communicating with the young woman.”
“Inconsequential you say!” Lady Catherine cried. “Why this strikes at the very foundations of civilized behavior! But more than that, dear Brother, if you must know, the woman is not a mere thief of books, but a thief of hearts as well! Oh yes, dear Brother, justly and with good cause have I laid the charge of thievery at her doorstep; but I would also extend it to the charge of enchantress! The woman has designs to marry above her station!”
“This last charge, my dear lady, hardly constitutes an actionable offence,” said Earl Robert, “At least, not by a mere country magistrate such as myself. I recommend that you present that particular complaint to Cupid, or perhaps Circe.”
“You mock me, Robert, as you always have. But know this: I have it upon good authority that the man Miss Elizateth Bennet has enchanted is none other than our nephew, Fitzwilliam, and has designs of matrimony. Knowing full well that he is affianced to my own Anne, your niece, this same Miss Elizabeth Bennet has adventured herself to win his heart. And don't speak to me of communicating with the young baggage, for that is exactly what I betook myself to do! I condescended to make a special visit at her own home in Longbourn, a mean and squalid estate if I were to be critical, peopled with family and staff who are little more than beasts! And for my considerable trouble I was met with nothing but insufferable rudeness and brazen denial when I attempted to interview the young woman concerning her designs upon Fitzwilliam. The little hussy told me, in so many words, to mind my own business! Why she deserves the noose for this piece of impertinence alone!”
Now the Earl understood his sister's wrath. From the time Fitzwilliam Darcy and Anne De Bourgh were infants, Catherine and their sister Anne, Fitzwilliam's mother, had determined that the two cousins would be wed one day, and what a fine match it would be.
The intervening years had seen Fitzwilliam grow into a man of high moral and physical qualities, driven by business and social concerns, and who had increased his considerable inheritance to the point that he was one of the wealthiest men in England. Meanwhile, Anne had blossomed, if that were the word, into a pallid and pale flower, for she was frequently in ill health, nor was she given room to grow, being tended altogether too closely by her mother. The Earl had accepted as a matter of course that Anne and Fitzwilliam would be married, as his sisters had advanced the prospect so forcefully, and, according to Catherine, it had been their sister's dying wish. He had looked forward to the day when the Darcy wealth would be bound ever more tightly within the family. That could not be but to the Earl's benefit, for he was under continuous financial pressure due to his speculations and the poor management of his properties. He had in the past attempted to intrude upon Fitzwilliam's considerable generosity, when the Earl had found himself in a compromising position financially, and had been refused. Regretfully and politely enough, it was true, but the fact of the rejection in itself gave the Earl cause to store up a grudge against his nephew in his heart.
“Well, Robert, now that you know the full tale, what have you to say?”
Earl Robert did not answer immediately, but sat down at his desk, and with a wave of his hand indicated that his sister should sit as well.
“And how does our Fitzwilliam feel towards this young woman? Would you say he is in love?”
Lady Catherine sniffed.
“Love!” she exclaimed. “He is enchanted, he is infatuated, that is all! She is a comely young thing, I will admit, though it is universally acknowledged that she is not so attractive as her eldest sister. But it is the character and attainments of a woman that constitute true Beauty, and Miss Elizabeth Bennet is far too lacking in both of those qualities to aspire to the appelation of Beautiful.”
By which Earl Robert understood that Miss Bennet was very attractive indeed. His interest was piqued. He took a deep breath, determined to be patient.
“And yet, have you heard, or can you gauge, the degree of Fitzwilliam's regard?
“I have heard that he has gone so far as to propose marriage, though that is mere rumor that I find difficult of belief, for certainly she would have accepted him as soon as the words left his mouth! I can only assume that perhaps he considered making an offer to her, but upon mature reflection realized how socially inferior she and her whole tribe is, and reconsidered his purpose. But that he is enamored of her I fully believe. He is in danger, Sir, in very grave danger.”
Earl Robert remained in quiet reflection for several minutes. He was beginning to work out how the grudge he had against Fitzwilliam could now be paid back with interest, how the upright, inflexible, tiresomely moral young man's pride could be brought low.
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