20. An Extraordinary Meeting of the Quadrat Board.
Sir Jason Jeremiah Jollyrei was a distant descendant of the Joll Erai who had travelled to Earth all that time ago. He was also Chairman of the Quadrat Board of Governors. He was also, at that moment, a very angry man indeed.
He had called an Extraordinary Meeting of the board in order to discuss with Maxwell Erjan Rhodes the recent disappearance of one High Priest, three priestesses, and one Master Crucifier.
“To lose one priestess is unfortunate, Mister Rhodes.” He glared at Rhodes over a pair of half-moon spectacles which he kept especially for the purpose of glaring at people over. “To lose three is….is….”
“Criminally careless,” interposed Sir Percival Phlebas.
“Unforgivable!” added Lord Broderick Bobinder.
“Downright negligence!” Grand Marshal Edward Parry stood to lose millions of credits. He, too, was furious.
“Off with his head!” said Sir Alphonsus Repertor, earning him a glare from Jollyrei.
“This isn’t ‘Alice in Wonderland’, Repertor, though I confess that the idea has some merit.” His piercing glare returned to Rhodes. “And the High Priest! And Jack Hangingtree!”
“Had you taken insurance against such a catastrophic loss?” enquired Sir Percival.
“Er, not exactly…” replied Rhodes, miserably.
“’Not exactly?’ What is that supposed to mean?” Phlebas was unimpressed.
“Ummm, no,” admitted Rhodes.
Repertor looked up at the glass domed ceiling of the boardroom. “What’s to stop us all being kidnapped by Shar Divatt ourselves?”
Rhodes wondered what use Shar Divatt could possibly make of these old fogeys. He did, however, wonder if there were any EASYGAL ships up there. The phrase ‘beam me up, Dottie’ seemed very attractive at that moment. Still, he’d better give Repertor an answer. “I don’t believe that Shar Divatt has any ships in orbit right now, Lord Alphonsus.”
“You didn’t believe that before! Look where that got you!” Repertor gripped the polished table tightly, as if that would do any good. Bobinder worried about the finger marks on the polished surface. He looked up at Rhodes. “You should resign, sir!”
“Resign! Resign!” chorused the others.
Rhodes was ready for this. He pulled an envelope out of his pocket, and slid it across the table to Jollyrei. “My resignation, Sir Jason.”
“I should think so too!” grumbled Parry. “You will be hearing from my lawyers!”
“But, what are you doing about getting them back?” Finally, Repertor brought some pragmatism to the meeting.
“Count Loxuru has it in hand.”
“Count Loxuru?” echoed Jollyrei, “And what’s he doing about it?”
“He, er, he didn’t say.”
“And you proposed to just sit back and wait to see what happened? You are not just an idiot, you are an idle idiot!” Parry suffered fools less well than any of them, even Jollyrei.
“Absolutely!” Phlebas joined in with the verbal mugging. He made a great show of sitting back with his hands behind his head, gazing up through the glass. “Let’s all just sit back and wait for them to drop out of the clear blue….”
There was a bright flash. Six people appeared right in the middle of the board room table. Five of them were very pleased indeed to be back on dear old T’mor. Three of them were naked, and heavily bloodstained. Bobinder feared that the table would never be the same again.
“Well, I’ll be…” Phlebas stared at them in utter shock.
The sixth, a redhead, slid decorously along the table, watched in horror by Bobinder, and got off next to Rhodes. “Mr Rhodes, I presume?”
Rhodes goggled at her, incapable of speech. She carried on regardless. “His excellency, the Right Honourable Count Leonardo Loxuru, Secundus Pilus, and the Very Honourable Archduke Alan Ducatti, Galactic Primus Pilus, both send their regards, and their congratulations on consulting them in this matter. Very astute of you. We return, relatively unharmed, your colleagues, and you will also find that your stocks of Elixir have been returned.
“Shar Divatt will give us no more trouble. It seems that the ship that she was travelling in met with an…. accident. An explosion in deep space. Most unfortunate. I expect she struck an asteroid. And now the humans on her planet will never experience crucifixion.”
“Shame!” said Phlebas. Jollyrei glared at him.
And Tree and Wind Arr argued as to which of them had taken out Shar Divatt for years after that.
“All in all, a most satisfactory outcome all round. Adroitly handled, sir. Well done!”
Rhodes managed speech. “Er…. Thank you. And who have I the pleasure of addressing?”
“My name is Bond. Erin Bond. Good day to you.”
And, with a bright flash, she was gone, leaving Jollyrei’s secretary to type up the minutes of the most extraordinary board meeting in the entire history of board meetings.
THE END
Fun and laughter the like of which the galaxy has never seen. 
Slurrrp!
