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tealrock

tealrock

Spectator
Perhaps this is the only place that I can ask such a question though I am not sure if it is appropriate. I sometimes felt like I am a monster, feel sick that I enjoy such deviant fantasies, and when I realize that I begin to accept and explore my more perverse desires I feel even more disturbed.

I was raised by a protective, conservative, fundamentalist mother that I love very much, I am shy and have never dated anyone, partly because I am worried that they may one day see me for what I am and find it repulsive. By all outward appearances I am kind and docile, though I am not sure if that is me overcompensating psychologically on my part. I hope that some of you can perhaps share your experiences and perhaps help me understand what made me they way I am, sometimes I just hate myself so much and feel so...alone.
 
Well first off no need to feel alone. You may be part of a small minority but that still translates into tens if not hundreds of millions of people world wide. Clearly you understand the difference between fantasy and reality and the importance of keeping certain impulses under control in reality so I would say that is a healthy sign you are not a monster.

I would argue it is quite important to remember that you are more than just your fantasies. If in everyday life you are kind and docile then that is not likely to be you compensating for anything but because you are naturally kind and perhaps a bit lazy, though perhaps you meant docile as in calm tempered? ;)

As to why that is a big question and currently I am too hot and unfocused to address it properly (I say this having discarded my third rewrite) , I also think it might help people respond if you were a little more specific on what you mean by experiences? I take it you don't want our life stories for example but what would you like? Narrowing the question might help garner responses and you can always ask supplementary questions later.

I will be back to this thread and I know others will offer their imput so please do not feel so alone.
 
Well as to why I tend to regard these impulses as in part an evolutionary throwback. My ancestors, your ancestors and everybody elses had to compete for resources, survive competitors and predators on top of natural disasters for generation upon generation. That history of conflict leaves a mark.

Yet one of the fruits of progress has been that in large portions of the world, the great majority of the population live without experiencing much in the way of life threatening challenges. Yet those deep impulse that are hardwired into our systems remain. Without some expression they could drive us mad and yet to act on them when there is no real threat and no real need would be counter-productive. Hence fantasy, these allows us to explore and enjoy and release those aspects of our psyches that are not nearly so vital these days but were once an intrinsic part of our forebears survival.

Of course without a natural focus those fantasises can sometimes come across as a bit weird even to the person having them but the point is you can be as weird as you like in the space inside your own head and it is in fact perfectly normal.

As to my upbringing well I had markedly non-fundamentalist parents, my mother was by far and away the more overtly spiritual person but did not in fact believe in God, though she loved going to church. My father who seemed take it our leave as regards such matters is in fact a deeply committed Anglican. I myself was an atheist from twelve until twenty five and would now describe myself as a deist as I believe in something that might be considered divine but have little fixed idea as to what it is and doubt that if it has a plan for me I have been consulted.

As to people finding out my darker fantasies, well they are not for everyone to know, there are people I confide in but I chose them with care just as the people who choose to confide in me generally have chosen me with care.
 
Freud would say after a strong and predominate mother the child's inner life resists and goes an abnormal direction.
I know from the biography of a murder he had a severe mother. Hitchcock imitated this in Psycho.

In my opinion the crucifixion is not found to alleviate heaviest soul-problems. But you can try it and wait if there is, or feels, healing for your spirit and mind.
 
RacingRodent said:
Well as to why I tend to regard these impulses as in part an evolutionary throwback. My ancestors, your ancestors and everybody elses had to compete for resources, survive competitors and predators on top of natural disasters for generation upon generation. That history of conflict leaves a mark.

Yet one of the fruits of progress has been that in large portions of the world, the great majority of the population live without experiencing much in the way of life threatening challenges. Yet those deep impulse that are hardwired into our systems remain. Without some expression they could drive us mad and yet to act on them when there is no real threat and no real need would be counter-productive. Hence fantasy, these allows us to explore and enjoy and release those aspects of our psyches that are not nearly so vital these days but were once an intrinsic part of our forebears survival.

Of course without a natural focus those fantasises can sometimes come across as a bit weird even to the person having them but the point is you can be as weird as you like in the space inside your own head and it is in fact perfectly normal.

As to my upbringing well I had markedly non-fundamentalist parents, my mother was by far and away the more overtly spiritual person but did not in fact believe in God, though she loved going to church. My father who seemed take it our leave as regards such matters is in fact a deeply committed Anglican. I myself was an atheist from twelve until twenty five and would now describe myself as a deist as I believe in something that might be considered divine but have little fixed idea as to what it is and doubt that if it has a plan for me I have been consulted.

As to people finding out my darker fantasies, well they are not for everyone to know, there are people I confide in but I chose them with care just as the people who choose to confide in me generally have chosen me with care.
Click to expand...

Well said RR !
 
I'm going to go a bit off the deep end here, but it's 100% sincere: There are forces inside of us that are primal/animal. There are forces inside of us that are further evolved and spiritual. That's more or less Zoroastrianism, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoroaster

The balance between extremes of good and evil are what make us divine. We are not pawns. We are not "meant" for the greater good or greater evil.

We get to choose! Now, that's a great responsibility. (Especially for a hardened atheist such as myself, who grew up in a strongly Catholic family, and had to reject all their desires in pursuit of my own truth at a young age of about 14.) We have to forge new meaning. I don't agree with nihilism.

Now I grew up in a household with a ton of emotional and physical abuse. As I was hitting puberty, my own emotions of anger, shame, and social awkwardness became overwhelming when I saw images and movies portraying the crucifixion. Somehow there was a link. I knew it was something I didn't want to express to anyone, but I started to notice a terrified sort of arousal when I would see a man on a cross, and soon after that since I didn't swing that way, I began imagining women on crosses. Of course further into puberty, and further getting affiliated with society around me, I found out what I was really into was kink and BDSM.

There's something archetypal about bondage. There's something mystical also about our knowledge of tortures like crucifixion. We know they exist. But they are alien. We seek them out through curiosity, but we would never cross the line of making them real again. There's something powerful in knowing that they were common place. There's something frightening or perhaps just annoying about the lack of honesty regarding such a thing as crucifixion in real life and in how seeing representations of it makes people feel.

Another personal story. Once my dad told me he was terrified when his mother was in the hospital, when she was dying. She was stressed, but he had faith. He said one day he was laying on the floor, and he stretched out his arms and thought of Jesus being crucified. And he basically said he was asking god or whatever that he would give himself up if it would help his mother get better. Now - on the surface that is a very sweet self-sacrificial thing to pray for. But there is a deeper darker evil working in tandem. He was acting out of fear, fear for losing his mother and her support, and letting his ego fade away in favor of her support and control. She died, as happens, and despite his prayers he was left empty because he hadn't worked on building himself up enough. In her absence, he became an abusive alcoholic.

...I guess what I am getting at is this is powerful stuff.

Human society has filled us with all sorts of images, scenarios, and social mores and behaviors. But we have to be careful and honest with ourselves in regards to how we process these things. Society has provided you with the tools for limitless sexual satisfaction, through your kink. It has also bundled all sorts of bullshit with it, such as fear, shame, awkwardness etc. This online crux kink community is a fantastic space to safely explore the kink and process your own thoughts and emotions.

If you truly are a meek and gentle soul, you will do no harm.

If you are actually a deviant monster who crosses the line from harmless kink play and you start hurting others, then that's it. There's your answer. And hopefully you'll get a knock on the door from the FBI. (teasing, just teasing.)

"There is no law beyond 'Do what thou wilt.'
Love is the law, love under will.' - Aliester Crowley

You are probably here because you want to figure things out.

You're probably here because you want to communicate.

You are probably here because you need help. And I hope we are all able to do so.

P.S. don't hate yourself. The violent, and mostly dumb world around you, and for thousands of years has produced an environment at the razor's edge of sanity and insanity for the modern man to traverse. You will do well to belt out your rage at some point at the world. But try to have some fun while you're here. Life is short - this is something an atheist with no belief in the afterlife knows all too well.

In the words of a great rock band from Atlanta, GA - "Living well is the best revenge." - REM
 
For me it was a college experience that changed me. A dare that went further than that. I won't bore you all with details unless asked but I went from an aroused and willing participant to an aroused and unwilling one. It wasn't a crucifixion be design but it turned out to be a public reflection of one. Silly youth. Still, it left a permanent mark on me. For both male and female crucifixion.
 
Just to say thankyou Tealrock for raising your question - it is certainly very appropriate, this is just the place where we can exchange thoughts and experiences that we just wouldn't mention anywhere else, because we know we're among friends here who share our strangeness and won't judge us.
 
Just like Eul said! A fun and open environment where like minded individuals can share their fantasies is the opposite of deviant behavior! Your description of yourself sounds very similar to my personality and I went through a similar period of feeling wrong for having such a "dirty" mind. Having and enjoying these fantasies is natural and in no way makes you a monster or deviant! No one can control what tuns them on and to repress it I think is unhealthy. You say you are kind "by all outward appearances." This implies that your kinks will corrupt you and make you a strange or unkind person. This is absolutely positively not true! A kind person is a kind person no matter what turns them on.:) I can't really help you understand why you are drawn to crux because I don't understand why I am very clearly.:doh: I do know however that it turns me on and I love spending time here with all the fun and kind people here at CF.:) So keep exploring and understanding yourself and stop worrying so much about what people will think about things they will never find out about you!:) I hope this helps!:)
 
tealrock said:
Perhaps this is the only place that I can ask such a question though I am not sure if it is appropriate. I sometimes felt like I am a monster, feel sick that I enjoy such deviant fantasies, and when I realize that I begin to accept and explore my more perverse desires I feel even more disturbed.

I was raised by a protective, conservative, fundamentalist mother that I love very much, I am shy and have never dated anyone, partly because I am worried that they may one day see me for what I am and find it repulsive. By all outward appearances I am kind and docile, though I am not sure if that is me overcompensating psychologically on my part. I hope that some of you can perhaps share your experiences and perhaps help me understand what made me they way I am, sometimes I just hate myself so much and feel so...alone.
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Tealrock, no need to feel alone here, we are all in a similar boat. We share similar fantasies, and guess what? Most of us are otherwise normal, and lead normal lives, and many of us have partners, and spouses, and children. We don't have two heads, we don't frighten the horses :)

RR and Adobe and cxslave and others have all said what needs saying. Don't beat yourself up about this. You are not a monster, at least, not because of this :) If you believe yourself to be a good and gentle person, you probably are. As Adobe says better "If you truly are a meek and gentle soul, you will do no harm."
We all came by this kink in different ways. Some of us respond in physical ways, some emotional, some find profound spiritual and philosophical depths. Crux offers deep experiences in so many ways, there is something for everyone.

Now you have somewhere to explore this side of you, to let it out and see that it is not so scary after all
 
tealrock said:
Perhaps this is the only place that I can ask such a question though I am not sure if it is appropriate. I sometimes felt like I am a monster, feel sick that I enjoy such deviant fantasies, and when I realize that I begin to accept and explore my more perverse desires I feel even more disturbed.

I was raised by a protective, conservative, fundamentalist mother that I love very much, I am shy and have never dated anyone, partly because I am worried that they may one day see me for what I am and find it repulsive. By all outward appearances I am kind and docile, though I am not sure if that is me overcompensating psychologically on my part. I hope that some of you can perhaps share your experiences and perhaps help me understand what made me they way I am, sometimes I just hate myself so much and feel so...alone.
Click to expand...

Hey, there is nothing wrong with you that isn't just as wrong with any of us here. No one can control their desires, just what they do about them. And there is nothing at all wrong with acting on those desires either if you are lucky enough to find a willing partner or partners. That's the key, the line that must not be crossed, consent.

My Master and i play HARD, VERY hard. But it is what He wants and it is what i want. And i doubt seriously if there are as many people as happy with their lives as we are. Hopefully you will find someone to complement you. If not, enjoy your fantasies.

shannon
 
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