Talking as we were earlier about all the ritual of Roman Crucifixion, can you imagine if the British Empire had practiced crucifixion?
Good morning, Good morning! I am so sorry to disturb you so early in the morning! Hope you slept well? I realise these cells aren’t exactly tip-top, luxury, but still, one can hope! Do I have the pleasure of addressing Miss Ella Kneeldown? Capital! Capital! My name is Wragg, and this is my friend Mr Pilus. He’s from Australia, Miss Kneeldown, but please don’t hold that against him, he’s quite civilised, really. We even entertain some hopes of teaching the Australians to play cricket!
Only yesterday I bowled him a decent googly and he got an off drive to it. Would you believe that the bounder drove me for six! Still, next ball I had him LBW, soon put him in his place….
What’s that, Pp? Miss Kneeldown isn’t interested in cricket? Rot, old chap! Everybody is interested in cricket, but you’re quite right, we must get on, what?
Fact is Miss Kneeldown….may I call you Ella? Charming name. Charming. Fact is, Ella, we’re here because it seems that you’ve had some jolly rotten luck and been sentenced to death by crucifixion by the old Archbeako. What? No-one had told you? Oh my dear, please don’t cry, here, let me lend you my handkerchief. Oh, how absolutely ghastly, springing it on you like that! You poor old girl!
Pp, next time you see him, please pass Mr Tree my compliments and ask him if he could please pass on the sentences to the prisoners, it would make things so much easier! I cannot bear this unpleasantness. Oh Miss Ella, please don’t upset yourself so, it’s only a little bit painful and just slightly fatal – stiff upper lip, what?
Do compose yourself, Ella….yes, absolutely, have a jolly good blow.
Psst! Pp – I say, I’ve just had THE most awful thought! You know the chaps we crucify? Well We crucify them in the…you know…in the buff! What about her? Oh I say, dash it, no! Even Mrs Wragg makes me do…you know….it….with the lights off! Pp, old boy, this is going to be jolly embarrassing!
Ahem!
Excuse me, Ella, my dear. Umm….It’s a jolly nice morning, set fair, the sun has got his hat on, and all that sort of thing….well, the thing is, we need you slightly less dressed than you are….in fact, not to beat around the bush, we need to be able to see your bush. So, Pp and I will just step outside for a moment, and if you could call out ‘toodle-oo’ when you’re….you know….ready?
Come on, Pp, we must be gentlemen!
……
…….
It’s jolly quiet in there, Pp!
……
Perhaps we should look in and see how she’s doing. Excuse me…Miss Ella…we’re coming in, my dear! Oh, you seem to be still dressed? I thought you…..
Pp, what does this phrase ‘phuque off’ mean? I once heard a chap in the second form say it to a fellow in the lower sixth, but just the once…dashed if I could find it in the dictionary.
“Go forth and multiply?” Oh, how very kind, Miss Ella! Indeed Mrs Wragg and I would like to populate the world with Wragglets! I must say that to her majesty next time I see her, she’ll be so touched! You know how important procreation is to these royals! Have to produce an heir and a spare, don’t they, what?
Pp, my dear chap, would you mind assisting Miss Kneeldown out of her clothes, she doesn’t seem able to do so herself.
No need for all this shouting and screaming, Ella. No, by Jove, you’re quite wrong, my mother isn’t a bitch, she’s a perfectly normal human being! No, my dear, I’m not one of those, either, my father is the Honourable Member for Cruxton!
I say, Pp, what a corker! By Jove, you don’t see a sight like that every day of the week!
Right ho, all ready for a spot of scourging, are we? No? Not to worry, your opinion doesn’t really matter any more, I’m just trying to be civil. We just have to tie you to this post, then Pp will give you just a few lashes with his whip….oh, only about thirty or so! Off you go, Pp, there’s a good fellow.
No, of course he doesn’t enjoy it. He’d far rather be back home in Australia drinking beer, and I’d rather be watching a test match at Lords, but someone has to do these rotten jobs! When the Archbeako says something has to be done, Wragg just jumps to it!
No, my dear, the Archbeako knows who his father is too, you may have just stolen a loaf of bread but if the Archbeako just sat back and let everyone help themselves to other people’s property there would be total anarchy in less time than it takes to say ‘what ho!’
Oh I say, well done, Pp! That last one made her writhe and scream very satisfactorily indeed, I shall be recommending you for promotion!
Look at that, she’s gone and fainted. Just throw that bucket of slops over her, Pp, that should wake her up.
Wakey wakey, my dear! Just five more to go……there, all done.
No time for slacking Ella, it’s time for your walk! Just a bit of toddle up that hill over there, and they say the view from up there is splendid, you’re quite a lucky girl, really. Would you mind awfully just carrying this little bit of wood? It’s all right for you, you only have to do this the once, but Pp and I have to do it over and over again and if we had to carry the old timber back and forth it would play havoc with our backs! If you don’t want to, that’s fine, Pp will just keep on whipping you till you do want to. That’s it, sensible girl, off we go!
Do keep back, folks, let a lady pass! Honestly, no manners, these people! Do keep out of the way, there are plenty more crosses where this one comes from! Oh, botheration, now she’s gone and fallen over. I shall be late for my breakfast at this rate. That’s it Pp, help her up…with your whip is fine, or she’ll snooze there in the street all morning.
Come along, Ella, keep on moving along, my good woman, almost there! Just a few more steps….well done!
Now you can have a well deserved lie down. Very good. This is Mr Tree, the executioner. Good morning, Mr Tree, a fine morning! Got a young lady for you next! Here you are all stretched out and a sight for sore eyes she is, too. Just a little prick with a nail, Ella, my dear…..now this is going to hurt us far more than it does you…..possibly not, now you mention it.
Ella, dear girl, could you scream perhaps just a little more quietly? Only Pp and I had perhaps a little bit too much of the old sauce last night, and we do have headaches…
Right ho, gent’s - well done, let’s hoist her up. Oh dear, what a cacophony! Your grunts and her screams, a fellow can hardly hear himself think! Really not good for a morning head….
Nearly done, Ella, my lass! Just a couple of nails through your feet and that’s you good and crucified!
There! I told you it would be a good view! Enjoy! Toodle pip!
