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Jehanne : the real story.

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Loxuru

Graf von Kreuzigung
JEHANNE : THE REAL STORY!

“God Allmighty Himself has a great plan with you!”

“Aufmachen! Aufmachen!”

“Just one more small detail : you’ll get burned at the stake at the end!”

“I want to have her strip searched!”

“Fortunately, I have nothing to look for in Bretagne!”

“At the end of his hangover, awaits him the surprise of a lifetime!”

“Get yourself men’s clothes if you want to go to war!”

“Handsome!? Sure! Apart from the fact that he has only one eye, one tooth and one ball left!”

“Don’t I look fat in this armour?”

“German? I hate fucking Germans, you bitch!”

“We’ll bring him to Reims! In a marinade if necessary!”

“Congratulations maid! You just committed a war crime!”

"I mean Pierre Cauchon, the Bishop of Beauvais. His name is Cauchon, and he is a cochon!"

“For God’s sake, don’t let him get a hand on the key of her chastity belt!”

“Stop ringing these church bells! I order you!!”

"Did these heavenly voices tell you, you could fly!?"

“There has been made a little mistake, some mix up,….”

“Trust that God Allmighty always keeps His promises!”

“… but we assure you we do everything to find out what happened, to avoid it in the future!”

“My sister, that whore who got herself fucked by the king of the sheep!”

“He is not the murderous psychopath, his father was, but nevertheless…”

“I already thought, I recognized that smell of sheep shit!”

“But he is a bastard son! Even his own mother has confirmed it!”

“A transvestite as national hero! That’s typically French!”

“I don’t care about his opinion! It is his sacred duty!”

“Let’s make France great again!”

“To Dunkerque, Atkins, before it is too late!”


Already a few years, I have in my head the outline for an ‘alternative history’ story of France’s greatest heroine : Jeanne d’Arc. As @Doragon recently started his thread :


I had an incentive to put the ideas into a story. It’s just a folly, the key moments of her life, explained in a specific context. Yet, I thought it would be better to put it in a separate story thread.

Have fun!
 
JEHANNE : THE REAL STORY!

“God Allmighty Himself has a great plan with you!”

“Aufmachen! Aufmachen!”

“Just one more small detail : you’ll get burned at the stake at the end!”

“I want to have her strip searched!”

“Fortunately, I have nothing to look for in Bretagne!”

“At the end of his hangover, awaits him the surprise of a lifetime!”

“Get yourself men’s clothes if you want to go to war!”

“Handsome!? Sure! Apart from the fact that he has only one eye, one tooth and one ball left!”

“Don’t I look fat in this armour?”

“German? I hate fucking Germans, you bitch!”

“We’ll bring him to Reims! In a marinade if necessary!”

“Congratulations maid! You just committed a war crime!”

"I mean Pierre Cauchon, the Bishop of Beauvais. His name is Cauchon, and he is a cochon!"

“For God’s sake, don’t let him get a hand on the key of her chastity belt!”

“Stop ringing these church bells! I order you!!”

"Did these heavenly voices tell you, you could fly!?"

“There has been made a little mistake, some mix up,….”

“Trust that God Allmighty always keeps His promises!”

“… but we assure you we do everything to find out what happened, to avoid it in the future!”

“My sister, that whore who got herself fucked by the king of the sheep!”

“He is not the murderous psychopath, his father was, but nevertheless…”

“I already thought, I recognized that smell of sheep shit!”

“But he is a bastard son! Even his own mother has confirmed it!”

“A transvestite as national hero! That’s typically French!”

“I don’t care about his opinion! It is his sacred duty!”

“Let’s make France great again!”

“To Dunkerque, Atkins, before it is too late!”


Already a few years, I have in my head the outline for an ‘alternative history’ story of France’s greatest heroine : Jeanne d’Arc. As @Doragon recently started his thread :


I had an incentive to put the ideas into a story. It’s just a folly, the key moments of her life, explained in a specific context. Yet, I thought it would be better to put it in a separate story thread.

Have fun!
“If only you knew the Power of the D’Arc side…”
:starwars-smiley:
 
Now, before the story starts, just a few disclaimers and warnings.

Warning : this story is a pastoral tale and does NOT contain explicit scenes of violence, nudity, torture, crucifixion, whipping, rape, sex (even not with sheep), other kind of cruelty,…

Disclaimer : the author wants to apologize for taking a little artistic liberty with the terms, just for the dramatic effect of the dialogue (don’t worry, all characters are at least eighteen, even the sheep, in case some peasant would nevertheless feel the urge, and try to….)! It is just about adding some accent of the native language of the characters in the dialogue.

This is not the story of Jeanne d’Arc, or Joan of Arc, whatever her name is.

This is the story of a pretty, well behaving, well raised, peasant girl, named Jehanne. Innocent and naïve as eighteen year old girls are, she is happy, guarding her flock of sheep in the meadows of 15th Century Lorraine. She needs nothing more, and expects nothing more from life than getting a family of her own with a good, handsome, loving husband and, in good time, a few cute kids to bring up.

Far away, there is a war going on! But that is just a quarrel between nobles! That is not something to bother about. Nobles always quarrel about thrones.

Sadly, there is a saying that, if you don’t go to the war, then, the war will come to you!

So, while the sheep peacefully graze, far away, the swords are sharp, the armour is shiny polished, the bowmen are ready, boiling oil is prepared, the trebuchets are loaded,…

Heralds! Sound the trumpets!
 
One of the places I work has a patch of woodland where you can often hear voices in the trees, sometimes actual words, I distinctly made out two different voices, it’s the spookiest shit ever. Of course, it’s just branches rubbing together in windy weather but it REALLY sounds like voices, weird. :eek: I’m going to go find a famous talking yew tree in Wales pretty soon too :rolleyes:
 
One of the places I work has a patch of woodland where you can often hear voices in the trees, sometimes actual words, I distinctly made out two different voices, it’s the spookiest shit ever. Of course, it’s just branches rubbing together in windy weather but it REALLY sounds like voices, weird. :eek: I’m going to go find a famous talking yew tree in Wales pretty soon too :rolleyes:
(By the way, the words I heard were “come here”.. not “Drive the English out of France and crown the Dauphin at Rheims Cathedral!”.. but no doubt, if I had been less of a methodological naturalist and more of a medieval religious fruitcake, I might have thought, “yup, that sounds like angelic voices, yes sir-ee!”)
 
Last edited by a moderator:
1.

DOMREMY, LORRAINE, SPRING 1429..

A pastoral scene, an 18 year old girl, named Jehanne, guarding her flock of sheep, outside the village.

Voices : “Jehanne! Pssst! Jehanne!?”

Jehanne : “Was!? … Werda!?”

Voices : “Jehanne! Listen! I speak on behalf of God Almighty! Rejoice, Jehanne, Rejoice! We have wonderful news for you! You have been chosen by God Almighty Himself for a sacred mission!”

Jehanne : “A sacred mission!? Me!? Was ist das für quatsch!?”

Voices : “Jehanne! You must go to Chinon! Get Charles, the Dauphin of France, bring him to Reims and have him crowned there! That’s all!”

Jehanne : “Moment mal! Dauphin Charles!? A bastard son!? A child of one of queen Isabeau’s extramarital affairs!? She has confirmed it herself!?”

Voices : “Shut! Shut! Faut pas le dire! Allez! A Chinon! Do your sacred duty!”

Jehanne : “Just like that!? They’ll watch me coming! Little peasant girl as I am!”

Voices : “Never mind, Jehanne, God Almighty has chosen you for this sacred mission! Girl! It is a once in a lifetime opportunity! Grab it with your both hands!”

Jehanne : “Nein! Forget it! I just stay here with my sheep!”

Voices : “It is for the glory and grandeur of France, Jehanne! Just do it!”

Jehanne : “Pfff! As if the glory and grandeur of France would bother me at all!? This is not even France!”

Voices : “Now don’t you get outrageous, girl!”

Jehanne : “Wir sind in Lotharingen hier! Ja!? Not in France!”

Voices : “Ridiculous! Who says so!?”

Jehanne : “Verdammt noch mal! The Verdun Treaty! The year 843! Never heard of that!? We even got our own emperor! The great Emperor Lotharius! Lotharingen is named after him! France only became a kingdom! What more proof do you want that we are not in France, here!?”

Voices : “Ridiculous! That Middle Empire was politically doomed from the start! Two thousand miles long and only two hundred mile wide! Stop clinging to that illusion! We are six hundred years later, and the Middle Empire does not exist anymore! Today, it is France that counts! Now go! You will be rewarded for it, after all!”

Jehanne : “Reward!? What reward!?”

Voices : “Actually, God Almighty wants to make you an offer you cannot refuse!”

Jehanne : “Surprise me!”

Voices : “Over five centuries, you will be awarded by being canonized and become a Saint…!”

Jehanne (with irony) : “Oh! A Saint! Richtig!? I wanted to be a saint already all my life! Everyone knows that every little girl dreams of that! And sure, I can wait five centuries! No problem!”

Voices : “And, eeuh there still is one tricky detail, we have not mentioned yet! A few mandatory ceremonies!”

Jehanne : “Shoot!”

Voices : “As a closure of your sacred mission, you will have to be accused of being a witch, tortured during interrogation, put on trial and burned alive at the stake! Just a detail, like I said! Burning takes only five terrible minutes! A small sacrifice compared to the eternal glory of sainthood that awaits you!”

Jehanne : “Moment mal!? Did I hear well!? Did you say : Burned!? At!? The!? Stake!?”

Voices : “Just.. merely a bit for the sake of the drama, Jehanne! We first considered to let you peacefully die in your bed at eighty, of natural causes, but then, we,… I mean God Almighty, well, actually it was The Holy Spirit’s idea,… so, we thought that such a dull ending would be a too disappointing turn-off!”

Jehanne : “Schon gut ja!? Now listen! This is all ridiculous! Why can’t God Almighty just find me a good husband and leave me in peace!?”

Voices : “That’s God Almighty’s plan B!”

Jehanne : “Really!? And will my husband be handsome and wealthy!? I am not asking too much, you know! Some handsome son of a rich merchant from Paris, would be good enough for me!”

Voices : “Sadly, Jehanne, sons of rich Parisian merchants find peasant shepherdesses smell like sheepshit, and even God Almighty cannot alter that! The husband, God Almighty has in mind for you, is nevertheless a nobleman, a baron!”

Jehanne : “A nobleman!? A baron!? Perhaps we could talk, after all! Is he young, handsome and wealthy!?”

Voices : “Handsome enough, just apart from that he is over sixty, bald, a bit obese, has only one eye left, and one tooth either. Oh yes, and he still got one ball! I can even disclose his name already : Jehan LePlouff!”

Jehanne : “Donnerwetter! Nein! With that name, he is obviously from Bretagne!?”

Voices : “True!”

Jehanne : “So, he lives in a cold, humid and windy castle, is constantly drunk, a gambler, is a brute, rapist wifebeater, is always from home and then locks up his wife in solitary confinement in a tower all the time…!”

Voices : “All true!”

Jehanne : “And when he finds another pretty girl he would like to marry, he accuses his current wife of being a witch and has her tortured and burned alive at the stake!”

Voices : “All true either! Sometimes, life sucks!”

Jehanne : “Well! That’s very easy for me! I stay here, with my sheep! Bretagne is very far away from here, and I have no reason to go there at all! So, I will be safe for that Baron LePlouff! And find someone else for that sacred quatsch!”

Voices : “Good! Your choice! Have a good afternoon! Byebye!”



(According to chronicles, within an hour, a group of knights passed along Jehanne and her flock).

Knight : “Hey, maid! Could you tell us the way to the nearest inn!?”

Jehanne : “Sure, Messire, but it is little difficult to explain from here! You could get lost easily!”

Knight : “No problem, maid! What if I would take you on the back of my dextrier, and you guide us!?”

Jehanne : “Mit vergnügen, Messire!”

Knight : “So, maid, are you sitting well!? What is your name!?”

Jehanne : “Jehanne, Messire!”

Knight : “Jehanne!? Very nice! I am Jehan LePlouff, and I have a barony in Bretagne….”

(Chronicles give different accounts of what happened next. According to some, Jehanne deliberately pushed the baron from his dextrier, other state that the baron fell, when she struggled to get away from him. She is told to have shouted : “Not with me, you pervert!”)

Jehanne ran away, leaving behind a furious LePlouff. He ordered to catch “That bloody witch!” by all means. As LePlouff and his men started to search the area ‘for that witch’, the news quickly spread among the population, that Jehanne was a witch!

It would not be healthy for her to stay around, so Jehanne had no choice than to move into France, and find support to bring the Dauphin from Chinon to Reims for his coronation. Her sacred mission, the voices had ordered her to do, had started.

(To be continued)
 
1.

DOMREMY, LORRAINE, SPRING 1429..

A pastoral scene, an 18 year old girl, named Jehanne, guarding her flock of sheep, outside the village.

Voices : “Jehanne! Pssst! Jehanne!?”

Jehanne : “Was!? … Werda!?”

Voices : “Jehanne! Listen! I speak on behalf of God Almighty! Rejoice, Jehanne, Rejoice! We have wonderful news for you! You have been chosen by God Almighty Himself for a sacred mission!”

Jehanne : “A sacred mission!? Me!? Was ist das für quatsch!?”

Voices : “Jehanne! You must go to Chinon! Get Charles, the Dauphin of France, bring him to Reims and have him crowned there! That’s all!”

Jehanne : “Moment mal! Dauphin Charles!? A bastard son!? A child of one of queen Isabeau’s extramarital affairs!? She has confirmed it herself!?”

Voices : “Shut! Shut! Faut pas le dire! Allez! A Chinon! Do your sacred duty!”

Jehanne : “Just like that!? They’ll watch me coming! Little peasant girl as I am!”

Voices : “Never mind, Jehanne, God Almighty has chosen you for this sacred mission! Girl! It is a once in a lifetime opportunity! Grab it with your both hands!”

Jehanne : “Nein! Forget it! I just stay here with my sheep!”

Voices : “It is for the glory and grandeur of France, Jehanne! Just do it!”

Jehanne : “Pfff! As if the glory and grandeur of France would bother me at all!? This is not even France!”

Voices : “Now don’t you get outrageous, girl!”

Jehanne : “Wir sind in Lotharingen hier! Ja!? Not in France!”

Voices : “Ridiculous! Who says so!?”

Jehanne : “Verdammt noch mal! The Verdun Treaty! The year 843! Never heard of that!? We even got our own emperor! The great Emperor Lotharius! Lotharingen is named after him! France only became a kingdom! What more proof do you want that we are not in France, here!?”

Voices : “Ridiculous! That Middle Empire was politically doomed from the start! Two thousand miles long and only two hundred mile wide! Stop clinging to that illusion! We are six hundred years later, and the Middle Empire does not exist anymore! Today, it is France that counts! Now go! You will be rewarded for it, after all!”

Jehanne : “Reward!? What reward!?”

Voices : “Actually, God Almighty wants to make you an offer you cannot refuse!”

Jehanne : “Surprise me!”

Voices : “Over five centuries, you will be awarded by being canonized and become a Saint…!”

Jehanne (with irony) : “Oh! A Saint! Richtig!? I wanted to be a saint already all my life! Everyone knows that every little girl dreams of that! And sure, I can wait five centuries! No problem!”

Voices : “And, eeuh there still is one tricky detail, we have not mentioned yet! A few mandatory ceremonies!”

Jehanne : “Shoot!”

Voices : “As a closure of your sacred mission, you will have to be accused of being a witch, tortured during interrogation, put on trial and burned alive at the stake! Just a detail, like I said! Burning takes only five terrible minutes! A small sacrifice compared to the eternal glory of sainthood that awaits you!”

Jehanne : “Moment mal!? Did I hear well!? Did you say : Burned!? At!? The!? Stake!?”

Voices : “Just.. merely a bit for the sake of the drama, Jehanne! We first considered to let you peacefully die in your bed at eighty, of natural causes, but then, we,… I mean God Almighty, well, actually it was The Holy Spirit’s idea,… so, we thought that such a dull ending would be a too disappointing turn-off!”

Jehanne : “Schon gut ja!? Now listen! This is all ridiculous! Why can’t God Almighty just find me a good husband and leave me in peace!?”

Voices : “That’s God Almighty’s plan B!”

Jehanne : “Really!? And will my husband be handsome and wealthy!? I am not asking too much, you know! Some handsome son of a rich merchant from Paris, would be good enough for me!”

Voices : “Sadly, Jehanne, sons of rich Parisian merchants find peasant shepherdesses smell like sheepshit, and even God Almighty cannot alter that! The husband, God Almighty has in mind for you, is nevertheless a nobleman, a baron!”

Jehanne : “A nobleman!? A baron!? Perhaps we could talk, after all! Is he young, handsome and wealthy!?”

Voices : “Handsome enough, just apart from that he is over sixty, bald, a bit obese, has only one eye left, and one tooth either. Oh yes, and he still got one ball! I can even disclose his name already : Jehan LePlouff!”

Jehanne : “Donnerwetter! Nein! With that name, he is obviously from Bretagne!?”

Voices : “True!”

Jehanne : “So, he lives in a cold, humid and windy castle, is constantly drunk, a gambler, is a brute, rapist wifebeater, is always from home and then locks up his wife in solitary confinement in a tower all the time…!”

Voices : “All true!”

Jehanne : “And when he finds another pretty girl he would like to marry, he accuses his current wife of being a witch and has her tortured and burned alive at the stake!”

Voices : “All true either! Sometimes, life sucks!”

Jehanne : “Well! That’s very easy for me! I stay here, with my sheep! Bretagne is very far away from here, and I have no reason to go there at all! So, I will be safe for that Baron LePlouff! And find someone else for that sacred quatsch!”

Voices : “Good! Your choice! Have a good afternoon! Byebye!”



(According to chronicles, within an hour, a group of knights passed along Jehanne and her flock).

Knight : “Hey, maid! Could you tell us the way to the nearest inn!?”

Jehanne : “Sure, Messire, but it is little difficult to explain from here! You could get lost easily!”

Knight : “No problem, maid! What if I would take you on the back of my dextrier, and you guide us!?”

Jehanne : “Mit vergnügen, Messire!”

Knight : “So, maid, are you sitting well!? What is your name!?”

Jehanne : “Jehanne, Messire!”

Knight : “Jehanne!? Very nice! I am Jehan LePlouff, and I have a barony in Bretagne….”

(Chronicles give different accounts of what happened next. According to some, Jehanne deliberately pushed the baron from his dextrier, other state that the baron fell, when she struggled to get away from him. She is told to have shouted : “Not with me, you pervert!”)

Jehanne ran away, leaving behind a furious LePlouff. He ordered to catch “That bloody witch!” by all means. As LePlouff and his men started to search the area ‘for that witch’, the news quickly spread among the population, that Jehanne was a witch!

It would not be healthy for her to stay around, so Jehanne had no choice than to move into France, and find support to bring the Dauphin from Chinon to Reims for his coronation. Her sacred mission, the voices had ordered her to do, had started.

(To be continued)
So cleverly done, Lox. I love it ❤️
Indeed it is! Excellent!

:popcorn:
 
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