Now This Just Isn't Funny

[Silent_Water]

Hm, I just want to add how difficult, sad or funny it can be to decide if someone is wrong or right by your own national historical proverbes and sayings.

In Germany, there is an old saying: "Jedes Böhnchen gibt ein Tönchen!" (= "Every little bean can give a little tune / sound!")

So, there are right now many Germans who think that this advertising is a very subtle and intelligent promotion of social distancing because if you only eat enough beans, the sounds and the air around you will keep a lot of people in a healthy distance from you:

 

[Loxuru]

Hm, I just want to add how difficult, sad or funny it can be to decide if someone is wrong or right by your own national historical proverbes and sayings.

In Germany, there is an old saying: "Jedes Böhnchen gibt ein Tönchen!" (= "Every little bean can give a little tune / sound!")

So, there are right now many Germans who think that this advertising is a very subtle and intelligent promotion of social distancing because if you only eat enough beans, the sounds and the air around you will keep a lot of people in a healthy distance from you:

Eating garlick also helps to keep a safe distance!

 

[poem21045]

Hm, I just want to add how difficult, sad or funny it can be to decide if someone is wrong or right by your own national historical proverbes and sayings.

In Germany, there is an old saying: "Jedes Böhnchen gibt ein Tönchen!" (= "Every little bean can give a little tune / sound!")

So, there are right now many Germans who think that this advertising is a very subtle and intelligent promotion of social distancing because if you only eat enough beans, the sounds and the air around you will keep a lot of people in a healthy distance from you:

View attachment 879884

Most of us want to be a healthy distance from her (and hers), anyway. And after January, 2021, we may get to see some of them behind bars.

 

[phlebas]

Sometimes things are not as they first seem

 

[Loxuru]

Sometimes things are not as they first seem

Is that hole indicated on some map?

 

[malins]

Now this just isn't funny anymore

 

[Rias]

oho squirrel in every monday meow

 

[sympazero2]

There's anxiousness, and there's panic.
I don't know what this is called...

========​

 

[Gibbs505]

How to give a cat a pill!



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand… As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later…

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

 

[Rias]

How to give a cat a pill!



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand… As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later…

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

me think me not take any unknown pill from u meow scratch!!!!!!

 

[Rias]

oho horror movie video "squirrel cannibal" meow!!!!!!!

 

[Loxuru]

How to give a cat a pill!

I am curious what's in the manual 'How to give a cat a suppository' ?

 

[Rias]

I am curious what's in the manual 'How to give a cat a suppository' ?

oho better not paste this manual here meow mew scratch scratch nya nya

 

[Praefectus Praetorio]

For all the others who are like me and only get self-service at the gasoline pump
View attachment 9256948675836cdb201304e933f30bff.mp4

 

[Gibbs505]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this
part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning
light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because! none of the controls would operate in the

same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


(Well the last one has come true!!)

 

[phlebas]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this
part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning
light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because! none of the controls would operate in the

same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


(Well the last one has come true!!)

I knew I'd seen this joke a loooooong time ago, so I looked it up. According to Snopes it does date back to comments made by Bill Gates at a COMDEX - in 1997! The jokey part was already circulating in 1998, even the Snopes page about this dates to 2010! Real internet history, this joke.

General Motors Replies to Bill Gates

General Motors responds to Bill Gates' comparison of advances in computing to the automotive industry?

www.snopes.com

Now, if Apple made cars too . . . . .


(the irony of this is that while copying this pic from one folder to another my Windows Explorer crashed

 

[Rias]

oho not steal squirrel peanuts!!

 

[Eulalia]

Now, if Apple made cars too . . . . .

That's exactly what happened to my Zanussi washing machine just after the guarantee ran out.
Switch failed. You'll have to buy a new one. No, not a new switch madam, a new washing machine.

 

[Loxuru]

That's exactly what happened to my Zanussi washing machine just after the guarantee ran out.
Switch failed. You'll have to buy a new one. No, not a new switch madam, a new washing machine.

Printer failure, only 3 years old, due to rupture of a piece of plastic, costing on its own only 50 eurocents, but difficult to reach. Only making up the specifications of the repair would have been charged more than the price of buying a new printer.

 

[Andras]

Just found it today: