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Now This Just Isn't Funny

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An old man told me, before he died,
And I have no reason to believe he lied.
He had a wife, a cunt so wide,
She was never satisfied.

He made a machine, mostly of steel,
With a monstrous prick and a bloody great wheel.
Balls of brass supplied the cream,
And the whole contraption was driven by steam.

Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
In and out went the prick of steel.
Until at last, his wife, she cried
"I`ve had enough, I`m satisfied."

How to stop it he did not know,
So it continued to go and go
His wife, she was split from arse to tit,
And the whole bloody issue was covered in shit.
 
hmmm

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It was Christmas Day in the Workhouse,
The season of good cheer.
The paupers` hearts were merry,
Their bellies full of beer.

The pompous Workhouse master,
As he strode around the halls,
Wished them a Merry Christmas,
The paupers all shouted "Balls"

This angered the Workhouse master,
Who swore by all the gods,
That he`d stop their Christmas pudding,
The disrespectful sods.

Then up spoke a drunken pauper,
His face as bold as brass,
"You can keep your Christmas pudding.
And stick it up your ass!"
 
Some food for thought, copied and stolen from someone else, because they didn’t put the share option on it.
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
 
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