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Now This Just Isn't Funny

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phlebas

PRIMUS POENUS
Staff member
Great way to sell apples
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Umm, exactly how is she using that vacuum cleaner?
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Unfortunate placement of ad, part 1
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Unfortunate placement of ad, part 2
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Gibbs505

SERVORUM DOMITOR
AO2
 

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Gibbs505

SERVORUM DOMITOR
AO3
 

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Praefectus Praetorio

Brother of the Quill
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. I think all were from the law firm of Dewey, Screwem & Howell.
__________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
__________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
 

twonines

Senator
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. I think all were from the law firm of Dewey, Screwem & Howell.
__________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
__________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
The equivalent British law firm is Robb, Steele, Robb, Steele and Pilfah.
 

Praefectus Praetorio

Brother of the Quill
Sven, The Swedish Wrestler

A Russian and Sven the Swedish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the Swedish wrestling coach came to Sven and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has" Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Sven nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Sven and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Sven and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch
the Russian go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and Sven collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Sven answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat pretzel hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
 

Gibbs505

SERVORUM DOMITOR
Folder A04
 

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