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Now This Just Isn't Funny

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Three men go to heaven and meet Saint Peter.​

They were each greeted warmly and told to answer all questions truthfully. St. Peter asks the first man: "You were married, but were you faithful? Remember, I will know if you are lying."

"Absolutely, I never cheated once in my life." claimed the man, pride gleaming in his eyes.

"Very good, here is a sports car as a reward. Enjoy." said St. Peter smiling as he hands over his keys.

St. Peter turns to the second man and asks him the same question. The second man has a bit of shame in his expression as he confesses. "I may have cheated once or twice, I did always love my wife though."

"Well you are telling the truth and even though you haven't been completely faithful your sins have been forgiven. Take this Prius as a way to get around heaven." St.Peter smiles and hands over the keys. He turns to the last man who is looking quite nervous. Asking the same question once more the man decides to come clean and confess his sins without shame.

"Yes I cheated on my wife. I took every chance I got and it was fun. I'm sure it happened at least twice a month." The man proclaimed, his eyes gleaming with a bit of defiance.

"Well I won't send you to hell because you were brave enough to confess your misgivings. Here, take this Vespa to get around." St. Peter smiles wryly at the man as he hands over the keys. The three men take their vehicles and drive off.

A week later the three men meet up by chance and decide to have a bit of a chat. The man with the sports car however has a sour expression on his face. The other two ask him what made him so upset. He angrily replies: "I saw my wife yesterday, she was getting around heaven on a damn pedal scooter."

Three Nuns and Saint Peter​

Three little nuns were tragically killed in a car crash this past weekend. Being devout followers of the faith, their souls floated up to heaven.

The three see the Pearly Gates and begin to approach the massive structure only to be stopped by Saint Peter.

Saint Peter explains, "The Boss set a new rule, in order to get into heaven, you must correctly answer a question relating to the Bible, or you will be banished to the flaming depths of hell for all eternity!"

The nuns had never heard such a thing in all their years and become very scared.

"Nun # 1," Saint Peter boomed, "Who was the first man on earth?"

Nun # 1 looks at the other two nuns as if that was a trick questions and reluctantly utters, "Adam?"

The Pearly Gates open, Nun # 1 passes through and is greeted by joyous angels on the other side.

The other two nuns let out a small sigh of relief for maybe their questions will be easy too.

"Nun # 2! Who was the first woman on Earth?"

Without hesitation, Nun # 2 says, "Eve."

The Pearly Gates open, Nun # 2 passes through and is greeted by joyous angels on the other side.

"Nun # 3, what was the first thing Eve ever said to Adam?"

Nun # 3 cannot believe the question because such a thing is not in the Bible. She stretches her head and looks up at Saint Peter in total fear for her eternal soul.

Without thinking Nun # 3 mumbles, "Boy, that is a hard one."

The Pearly Gates open, Nun # 3 passes through and is greeted by joyous angels on the other side.
 
I'm suprised that people can be punished in Heaven, especially for all eternity. That seems to go against the point.
Well, imagine Islamic heaven. Suppose you live extremely chaste, dying a virgin even, only to find out in heaven you get appointed to some terrorist for all eternity.
 
In the anteroom outside the Pearly Gates, a large crowd of the deceased great and good were assembled and waiting for admission. It seems that even in Heaven the paperwork is paramount.
Amongst their number there were Doctors, Nurses, Priests and Ministers and one twenty year old, three hundred pound, pierced and tattooed Hell`s angel.
Saint Peter arrived, perused his clipboard and called out "John Smith", the biker stood up, and Saint Peter let him through the Pearly Gates and into Heaven.
Immediately, an irate Priest called out to Saint Peter, "I demand an explanation, I have served the Lord faithfully for more than fifty years and am kept waiting in Limbo, while this obvious sinner passes straight through"
"Ah," said Saint Peter, "But in his short life, he put the fear of God into many more people than you ever did."
 
Politically incorrect ads (or outright dangerous). Knowing the cooking skills, or total lack thereof possessed by (@Barbaria1 ) the quote "Don't Worry, Darling. You didn't burn the beer!" applies to a lovely girl I know
I also had no idea the cockroach racing was imported from England!!
 
Politically incorrect ads (or outright dangerous). Knowing the cooking skills, or total lack thereof possessed by (@Barbaria1 ) the quote "Don't Worry, Darling. You didn't burn the beer!" applies to a lovely girl I know
I also had no idea the cockroach racing was imported from England!!
This is scary!
At about 1:25 there is a Gillette ad showing a baby shaving.
And one of those two on the picture below wants to get chancellor of Germany in fall.
But which one???
y.jpg
 
St Peter jokes?
All right, here's one.
Apologies in advance:


A confused young Lawyer finds himself in the queue outside the Pearly Gates.
Some time later he finally reaches St. Peter
and angrily demands to know what he died of!


St. Peter checks his clipboard and informs the Lawyer he died of old age.
Old age?? I'm 37 years old!
St. Peter: According to your hours billed you're 112.
=================
 
On Friday June 13 1986
The Olsen Twins were born.
View attachment 1025879
These aren't them.

============

It's scary when you realise that the teen actors you watched in shows with your children are now 35!!
On the other hand, prime candidates for the cross, and they deserve it.
They have a sister, you know . . . .
image-213.jpeg

Anyway . . .

Lockdown still here in Sydney, don't forget your mask
206451712_10158517205847686_4149994430382408391_n.jpg

I'd eat that
209021359_2097752903706667_1210062550566453997_n.jpg

Once seen . . .
201476303_4641899965837421_8885039912372109656_n.jpg
 
I can’t resist a redhead, especially when she has red eyes too
View attachment 1026724
(and can probably destroy the universe if she wants to)
Ah, the lovely Elizabeth. The most beautiful, sexiest (genuine) woman in Hollywood these days. Hands down. She has no equal. (Sorry ScarJo, Margot Robbie, Anna Kendrick, et. al.) She really needs to do more nude scenes!

7af4c6b0b37aadbefaf058b991978a43.jpgElizabeth-Olsen-in-Mini-Dress-at-a-Juice-Press--13.jpg Perfect shapely bare legs

Elizabeth-Olsen-Nude-Sexy-27-.jpgElizabeth-Olsen-Nude-Sexy-36-.jpgOIP.jpg Perfect full breasts

If I could design a woman from scratch, this would be she!
 
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