• Sign up or login, and you'll have full access to opportunities of forum.

Now This Just Isn't Funny

Go to CruxDreams.com

phlebas

PRIMUS POENUS
Staff member
The difference between knowledge and wisdom
290270231_7724511440924394_8154220588459440196_n.jpg

I love this fella, look him up, so imaginative. Lowcostcosplay (one for @Rias ?), he has a presence on Facebook
289347604_3344523015867802_8889048506378615337_n.jpg

A comment on the censorship requirements for posting things on DA these days (@Darkprincess69 )
narcia_s_great_september_reveal_picnic_by_derangedmeowmeow_dcly6gd.jpg
 

melissa

Administrator
Staff member
Tex-Mex Chili Cook-Off

This is an actual account as reported to paramedics at
a chili cook-off in Texas For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light
truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge # 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove

dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I

hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…

Judge # 1 – Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 – A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have

been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer

before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the

front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other

mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing

behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just

like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the

cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing; sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no

longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on

it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off

that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and

peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric

flames. I pooped on myself when I broke wind, and now I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about

Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't

feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of

rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my

mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,

they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful.

Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…

Judge # 1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell

over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to

make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

P.S. The spelling is not mine. Are Texan chillis really that bad?
 

Zungur

Magistrate
Tex-Mex Chili Cook-Off

This is an actual account as reported to paramedics at
a chili cook-off in Texas For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light
truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge # 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove

dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I

hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…

Judge # 1 – Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 – A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have

been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer

before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the

front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other

mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing

behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just

like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the

cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing; sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no

longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on

it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off

that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and

peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric

flames. I pooped on myself when I broke wind, and now I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about

Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't

feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of

rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my

mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,

they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful.

Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…

Judge # 1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell

over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to

make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

P.S. The spelling is not mine. Are Texan chillis really that bad?
I'd love to see judges 1 and 2 trying Korean food for the first time ...
 

Naraku

Draconarius
Tex-Mex Chili Cook-Off

This is an actual account as reported to paramedics at
a chili cook-off in Texas For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light
truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge # 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove

dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I

hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…

Judge # 1 – Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 – A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have

been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer

before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the

front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other

mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing

behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just

like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the

cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing; sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no

longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on

it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off

that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and

peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric

flames. I pooped on myself when I broke wind, and now I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about

Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't

feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of

rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my

mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,

they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful.

Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…

Judge # 1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell

over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to

make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

P.S. The spelling is not mine. Are Texan chillis really that bad?
chili-cook-off-meme.jpg
 

Femsnuffer22

Executioner
How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.



By the way, I love the last one of you in the original post, the only thing that would make it better would be if you were nailed to the cross instead of tied to it.
 
Top Bottom