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Now This Just Isn't Funny
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Praefectus Praetorio
R.I.P. Brother of the Quill
Those who know me will realize that I love this piece because I'm a hopeless Romantic.
Praefectus Praetorio
R.I.P. Brother of the Quill
A powerful testimony to faith. However, I caution the squeamish, not to read further.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the lectern.
She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Frank".
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the lectern.
She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Frank".
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
Praefectus Praetorio
R.I.P. Brother of the Quill
It's bad enough when your wife calls you a prick, but...
View attachment Always be nice to your wife.mp4
A lot of young people think they are smarter than their elders.
View attachment VIDEO-2021-01-22-17-22-58.mp4
View attachment Always be nice to your wife.mp4
A lot of young people think they are smarter than their elders.
View attachment VIDEO-2021-01-22-17-22-58.mp4
Praefectus Praetorio
R.I.P. Brother of the Quill
Reminds me of sex-ed at my high school.
Sex-ed with a pineapple (careful, this can get you thrown out of your apartment complex - it did me)
View attachment VIDEO-2020-10-10-07-34-30.mp4
Praefectus Praetorio
R.I.P. Brother of the Quill
I'm trying to live up to a higher calling
I hope this doesn't get me in trouble with the girls
Have you noticed how good service is these days?
At first, lockdown made me concerned about diet and exercise. But now I'm doing much better, starting with breakfast!
I hope this doesn't get me in trouble with the girls
Have you noticed how good service is these days?
At first, lockdown made me concerned about diet and exercise. But now I'm doing much better, starting with breakfast!
Rias
Neko Girl
Praefectus Praetorio
R.I.P. Brother of the Quill
A harmless pastime:
At least it saves time:
But there are times when a wife can be extremely helpful:
But even when you try to show affection, you get in trouble!
At least it saves time:
But there are times when a wife can be extremely helpful:
But even when you try to show affection, you get in trouble!
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
Just before, the real remote control did not work either (for changing channels on the aquarium).
Praefectus Praetorio
R.I.P. Brother of the Quill
Careful who you let talk to your animals
View attachment Animal whisperer -video-1586126771.mp4
View attachment Animal whisperer -video-1586126771.mp4
malins
Stumbling Seeker
She might not even have panties ...
Praefectus Praetorio
R.I.P. Brother of the Quill
Breaking! The medical breakthrough that pregnant women have prayed for for years!
However, be careful what you wish for!
View attachment VIDEO-2021-02-25-09-50-371.mp4
However, be careful what you wish for!
View attachment VIDEO-2021-02-25-09-50-371.mp4
Praefectus Praetorio
R.I.P. Brother of the Quill
My new plan to get back in shape is working well!
All you right-handers have no idea what life is like for a lefty! Especially a slow one!
Update on my new diet:
I'm becoming a rock-hard stud!
All you right-handers have no idea what life is like for a lefty! Especially a slow one!
Update on my new diet:
I'm becoming a rock-hard stud!
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
In the same category : "For the sake of climate, our country got itself rid of all fossil fuels stocks! We burned the whole lot!"
Praefectus Praetorio
R.I.P. Brother of the Quill
For the old members here. It doesn't apply to me!
$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me .
"Only $4.68 " he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 61, not even 65 yet A mere child!
Senior citizen??
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo Biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was,
"What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point, I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss , I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey .
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).
Notice the larger type?
That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate !!!!!
Oops, did I post this already?
$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me .
"Only $4.68 " he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 61, not even 65 yet A mere child!
Senior citizen??
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo Biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was,
"What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point, I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss , I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey .
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).
Notice the larger type?
That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate !!!!!
Oops, did I post this already?
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
Two shocking milestones in my life :
The first time, that someone called me 'Sir!'. Was I that old, suddenly? I must have been 16, then!
The second time, when a friendly young woman, or, still a girl, offered me her seat on a crowded train. I must have been .. not even 61!
(I friendly declined her offer! Mind you!).
That's the advantage of getting older : you can pretend to be dumb, people accept it because of your age!
My granddad used to say : a fool is always a fool in a way he benefits the most.
Just behave the same way for being an elder!