THE TRIAL OF BARBARA1
“All rise! The CruxForums High Court is now in session … Senior Magistrate, @old slave presiding” intoned the sonorous voice of Court Clerk, @RacingRodent
“What have we today, RR,” said old slave taking his seat at the bench between his colleagues, @Harsh Martinet. @bobinder, @Loinclothslave, @montycrusto, @Fossy @twonines, @Eulalia, @wulf and @carloscruz. The scent of stale beer wafted across the room, a sure sign that the members of the bench had lunched at the local pub prior to arriving in court.
“Ah, the capital case of one of our very own, Barbaria1, your honor.”
“I see, isn’t that unusual, RR, to try one of our own, especially given that she is a staff member? And, by the way, why does she affix a “1” to the end of her name?”
“It is unusual your honor, but the crimes to which she has been accused justify this trial. And, as to that pesky “1”, your honor, it’s rumored that she has it affixed to her name because she is an incurable attention grabber … a prima donna, if you will … who insists on being constantly in the spotlight, which in fact is a primary element of the case against her that the Court shall hear today.”
“I see, exactly what are the charges?”
“Well, your honor, there is in fact, quite a list.”
“Well, let’s hear them.”
“First, and foremost, is the ‘capital’ crime of causing the Great CruxForums Site Crash of the summer of 2013. She has denied being responsible now for nearly a decade. But suspicions have persisted and fresh evidence, including the sudden appearance of powder blue headings across the site on her watch, suggests that she was in fact responsible for the disaster of 2013 and continues to fiddle with the controls when @ImageMaker isn’t looking to this very date.”
“That is serious, indeed. A capitol offense, you say?”
“Yes, your honor, punishable by a flogging of forty lashes at the CruxForums whipping post, followed by execution by Crucifixion.”
“The flogging would be one in which she is stripped to the waist. I would hope,” interjected harshmartinet.
“If the court so orders,” replied RR.
“And, she’d be totally naked for her crucifixion?” queried bobinder, imagining the scene played out on his computer.
“Yes of, course, unless she’s allowed a loincloth.”
“She should definitely be allowed one, at least as first,” chimed in loinclothskave.
“Interesting. What are the lesser charges?” continued oldslave.
“Second is always writing in blue italics. Third is poking fun of the proud red state of Arkansas. Third is hogging and hijacking various Forum threads. Fourth is collaborating shamelessly with some of our shadiest characters, such as @windar, @phlebas, @Wragg and @SkatingJesus .
“You mean she has slept with them?”
“No your honor, she has just written stories with them, although who knows what was done between the sheets … haha.”
“I see, go on. Is there Moore?”
“Sadly yes, your honor. Fifth is denigrating the consumption of beer, and extolling instead the virtues of sipping a good Riesling, limited however to just two glasses. And sixth is the constant and repetitive use of annoying exclamations, phrases, and words … such as “oh shit”, “giggle snort”, “tight little” and “tumescent”, to name just a few.”
“Is that it, RR?”
“So far, your honor.”
“Who is defending her?”
“The honorable @thehangingtree , your honor.
“Well, she’s screwed then. Best put in an order for some French Premium Wood, right away!”
“Yes, your honor. I will contact @messaline right away.”
“And someone to clean up after she’s dead?”
“That would be @Jollyrei , you honor.”
“is this trial being recorded?”
“Yes, your honor. @Madiosi is in charge of that.”
“Excellent! Well bring Barb in then, let’s proceed and get this sorry business over with.”
“Yes, your honor!”
TBC
“All rise! The CruxForums High Court is now in session … Senior Magistrate, @old slave presiding” intoned the sonorous voice of Court Clerk, @RacingRodent
“What have we today, RR,” said old slave taking his seat at the bench between his colleagues, @Harsh Martinet. @bobinder, @Loinclothslave, @montycrusto, @Fossy @twonines, @Eulalia, @wulf and @carloscruz. The scent of stale beer wafted across the room, a sure sign that the members of the bench had lunched at the local pub prior to arriving in court.
“Ah, the capital case of one of our very own, Barbaria1, your honor.”
“I see, isn’t that unusual, RR, to try one of our own, especially given that she is a staff member? And, by the way, why does she affix a “1” to the end of her name?”
“It is unusual your honor, but the crimes to which she has been accused justify this trial. And, as to that pesky “1”, your honor, it’s rumored that she has it affixed to her name because she is an incurable attention grabber … a prima donna, if you will … who insists on being constantly in the spotlight, which in fact is a primary element of the case against her that the Court shall hear today.”
“I see, exactly what are the charges?”
“Well, your honor, there is in fact, quite a list.”
“Well, let’s hear them.”
“First, and foremost, is the ‘capital’ crime of causing the Great CruxForums Site Crash of the summer of 2013. She has denied being responsible now for nearly a decade. But suspicions have persisted and fresh evidence, including the sudden appearance of powder blue headings across the site on her watch, suggests that she was in fact responsible for the disaster of 2013 and continues to fiddle with the controls when @ImageMaker isn’t looking to this very date.”
“That is serious, indeed. A capitol offense, you say?”
“Yes, your honor, punishable by a flogging of forty lashes at the CruxForums whipping post, followed by execution by Crucifixion.”
“The flogging would be one in which she is stripped to the waist. I would hope,” interjected harshmartinet.
“If the court so orders,” replied RR.
“And, she’d be totally naked for her crucifixion?” queried bobinder, imagining the scene played out on his computer.
“Yes of, course, unless she’s allowed a loincloth.”
“She should definitely be allowed one, at least as first,” chimed in loinclothskave.
“Interesting. What are the lesser charges?” continued oldslave.
“Second is always writing in blue italics. Third is poking fun of the proud red state of Arkansas. Third is hogging and hijacking various Forum threads. Fourth is collaborating shamelessly with some of our shadiest characters, such as @windar, @phlebas, @Wragg and @SkatingJesus .
“You mean she has slept with them?”
“No your honor, she has just written stories with them, although who knows what was done between the sheets … haha.”
“I see, go on. Is there Moore?”
“Sadly yes, your honor. Fifth is denigrating the consumption of beer, and extolling instead the virtues of sipping a good Riesling, limited however to just two glasses. And sixth is the constant and repetitive use of annoying exclamations, phrases, and words … such as “oh shit”, “giggle snort”, “tight little” and “tumescent”, to name just a few.”
“Is that it, RR?”
“So far, your honor.”
“Who is defending her?”
“The honorable @thehangingtree , your honor.
“Well, she’s screwed then. Best put in an order for some French Premium Wood, right away!”
“Yes, your honor. I will contact @messaline right away.”
“And someone to clean up after she’s dead?”
“That would be @Jollyrei , you honor.”
“is this trial being recorded?”
“Yes, your honor. @Madiosi is in charge of that.”
“Excellent! Well bring Barb in then, let’s proceed and get this sorry business over with.”
“Yes, your honor!”
TBC
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