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We Three Blokes of Orient Aren't

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We three blokes of orient aren’t,
Hoped that God a vision would grant.
If we had a bleeding
Map we’d be reading
It, sadly we haven’t and can’t.
On the subject of Christmas Carol parodies, Thomas Beecham`s father, who had bankrolled many of Thomas` musical enterprises, asked him to write an advertising jingle.
Thomas, contemptuously gave him--

Hark the Herald Angels sing,
Beecham`s pills are just the thing,
Peace on Earth, and mercy mild,
Two for an adult,
One for a child.
 
2. Eulalia's Oasis

Although the sun was setting the next evening as we drew close to Eulalia’s Oasis, we had no worries about being benighted, there were so many torches burning that the Oasis could be seen from miles away. If that wasn’t enough, the music could be heard over an equally great distance, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I could admire the nubile girls performing to that music!

The tent was up, camels fed, and we were on our way to taste the delights of the Oasis before the sky was properly dark. We soon met our hostess.

“Bob!” Eulalia threw herself into his arms. “How wonderful to see you again!”

Jollyrei looked at me and rolled his eyes. “They’ll be playing a passionate game of chess before the evening is done!”

I grinned, but Bob growled, “I heard that, Jollyrei! There’s nothing wrong with chess!”

“Not the way we play it!” Eulalia winked at him. I began to wonder if it might profit me to brush up on my game a bit.

Eulalia clapped her hands, and a servant scurried up to take orders for drinks. Much though Jolly and I wished to be elsewhere, one has to be polite, so we settled onto some cushions and sipped her excellent wine.

For a bit we talked business, we were carrying spices, and some very nice frankincense and myrrh that we’d picked up from Arabia Magna. We had gold, too – we were hoping to buy fine cloth and maybe some slaves to take to markets in Asia Minor. There were several camel trains at the oasis, and several names that we knew – Windar was here en route from Assyria to Egypt, and he had fine cloth, and Loxuru had arrived from Armenia, and he had fine slaves!

I smiled happily. Loxuru knew a fine slave when he saw one. Especially the female of the species.

“There’s another matter we wanted to consult you about.” Bob refilled Eulalia’s glass. “Jollyrei spotted something new among the stars last night. We wondered what it might mean.”

“Really? That’s interesting. Whereabouts, Jollyrei?”

“Gemini,” said Jollyrei. “Near Wasat.”

“Say that again,” her eyes narrowed, looking intently at Jollyrei. He shifted uneasily. Eulalia has a penetrating gaze.

“Near Wasat. Delta Geminorum.”

“Did it, by any chance, appear where the twin Pollux might sport genitals?”

“Umm, yes. Genitals, indeed.”

“Oh bummer. Trouble in Judea again.”

“Really?” Bob was intrigued. “How do you know that?”

“Where else could be represented as the scrotum of the civilised world?”

“Ah, yes. I see what you mean.” Judea was one province that the Romans had begun to wish they didn’t rule.

“Anyway, it must mean that the Jews have a new leader. You’ll have to go over there and pay your respects.”

“Us? Why us?” I was aghast. “I don’t want to go to Judea! I want to go to Asia Minor! They have belly dancers in Asia Minor! They’re all lunatics in Judea! We’ll be lucky not to be crucified! I heard that the Romans were shipping timber in from Gaul to keep up with demand! Why should it be us? Why can’t Windar go? Or Loxuro?”

“Did they discover Pollux’s bollocks?”

“Well no, but…”

“But nothing. You three found the sign, so you three need to act upon it.”

“I had nothing to do with it. Nor did Bob. Jollyrei found it all by himself. Let him go, and Bob and I can carry on without him.”

“I can’t go all by myself to greet this blasted new king!” Jollyrei was rattled. “I’d be murdered by bandits before I’d gone a mile! Even if I get past them, I’m not keen on being crucified when I get there!”

“Pull yourself together, Wragg.” Bob was stern. “Of course we can go to Judea. We’re nomads, aren’t we? We can go anywhere. And the three of us have stuck together all these years. No, we’ll go to Judea, dish out some gifts to this new king, wish him all the good luck in the world, because he’ll be needing it. The whole place is a nest of vipers. Then we can get the hell out to Asia Minor and we can find you a nice belly dancer all to yourself.”

I desperately tried to think up further objections. “But we have no gifts! Eulalia’s Oasis has much going for it, but it’s a bit lacking in the Gift Shop department!”

“I don’t think we’d be presenting a stick of rock and a kiss me quick hat to a new king, Wragg.” Jollyrei was thoughtful. “But we do have gold.”

“And frankincense,” added Bob.

“And myrrh,” added Eulalia.
 
...on second thought let's not go to Judaea. it is a silly place ...

Even sillier once this trio gets there! I'm very curious to see where this story is going :)

At this point I have (of course) to quote Eliot:


A cold coming we had of it,
Just the worst time of the year
For a journey, and such a long journey:
The ways deep and the weather sharp,
The very dead of winter.'
And the camels galled, sorefooted, refractory,
Lying down in the melting snow.
There were times we regretted
The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces,
And the silken girls bringing sherbet.
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling
and running away, and wanting their liquor and women,
And the night-fires going out, and the lack of shelters,
And the cities hostile and the towns unfriendly
And the villages dirty and charging high prices:
A hard time we had of it.
At the end we preferred to travel all night,
Sleeping in snatches,
With the voices singing in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.
 
“Where else could be represented as the scrotum of the civilised world?”
It's good to know they've got balls in Judaea!

They’re all lunatics in Judea! We’ll be lucky not to be crucified!
For which balls are actually not prerequisite...

I’m not keen on being crucified when I get there!
Could be worse - you might be stabbed... :eek:

I think I'm getting a curious sense of deja vu about all of this, guys... And are we going to pick up a new tent whilst we're here, among all these trading types...? :D
 
It's good to know they've got balls in Judaea!


For which balls are actually not prerequisite...


Could be worse - you might be stabbed... :eek:

I think I'm getting a curious sense of deja vu about all of this, guys... And are we going to pick up a new tent whilst we're here, among all these trading types...? :D
I can recommend a pretty and hard working slave woman, to put up your tents, keep them clean, and provide exquisite intimate comfort for you gentlemen, during long desert nights!
Mr. Jollyrei will no longer keep Mr. Bob awake by his stargazing, since she will show him the seven heavens! No more bollocks in Pollux, only the delights of Virgo, Andromeda, Cassiopeia and Berenice!:D
 
I exhaled violently. “Even Jollyrei and I got that far! What we want to know is…”

“What does it mean?” asked Jollyrei. I wish he wouldn’t finish my sentences. It’s so irritating.
Bad habit. Sorry.
ou needed brains and an encyclopaedic knowledge to get along with Eulalia, and while Bob had those in spades, Jollyrei and I had been somewhat nearer the back of the queue.
Yeah, but do you remember Sharon - some sort of science class I think in the 3rd form back at the old alma mater? I studied her pretty thoroughly. I should get credit for that.

“I know a woman who will have a clue!”
That's the way! If Bob doesn't know, he'll know someone who does.
Pollux...bollux...bollocks...Pollocks - tell me if you want me to stop. I'm not bothering am I?

One or two humps? :rolleyes:
It rather looks like there are two of you in the picture. ;) :D

View attachment 938536 We captured this rebelious western girl.
But how do you know she is rebellious. She looks very docile to me at the moment, and why is she not wearing any clothing. She'll get sand in her...um...well...everywhere. :rolleyes: :confused::facepalm:

I thought that was the little tent outside the main tent where we go to... well, you know.
We have a tent for that? You mean we don't just go out into the desert and...um...no...right...we have a little tent where...never mind. :oops::facepalm::eusa_whistle:
 
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If that wasn’t enough, the music could be heard over an equally great distance, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I could admire the nubile girls performing to that music!
I knew there was a good reason to come along on this trip. It wasn't the camels, that's for sure.

“Bob!” Eulalia threw herself into his arms. “How wonderful to see you again!”

Jollyrei looked at me and rolled his eyes. “They’ll be playing a passionate game of chess before the evening is done!”
On the other hand, Bob gets a game of "chess" with a lovely intelligent woman, and Wragg and I get...um...
I am beginning to think I should have learned chess.

“Not the way we play it!” Eulalia winked at him. I began to wonder if it might profit me to brush up on my game a bit.
See?

For a bit we talked business, we were carrying spices, and some very nice frankincense and myrrh that we’d picked up from Arabia Magna. We had gold, too
Are you hinting that we are, in fact, three wise men? Rambling through the desert carrying all kinds of expensive gold and perfumeries doesn't seem very wise, except of course that it's got us into a camp full of, how did you put it, naked nubile girls? Perhaps we're wiser than we look. :D

They have belly dancers in Asia Minor! They’re all lunatics in Judea!
A solid point, Bob! Tell it! We're off to see the major babes of Asia Minor!!

“But nothing. You three found the sign, so you three need to act upon it.”
Well, when you say "you three" it was actually me that found the...er... :facepalm: :confused: Tell me, Bob's not going to start yelling at me again is he? :eek::couch:

“I had nothing to do with it. Nor did Bob. Jollyrei found it all by himself. Let him go, and Bob and I can carry on without him.”
Oh, thank you. Thank you so very bloody much indeed.

I desperately tried to think up further objections. “But we have no gifts! Eulalia’s Oasis has much going for it, but it’s a bit lacking in the Gift Shop department!”

“I don’t think we’d be presenting a stick of rock and a kiss me quick hat to a new king, Wragg.” Jollyrei was thoughtful. “But we do have gold.”

“And frankincense,” added Bob.

“And myrrh,” added Eulalia.
Oh alright already. Everyone try to act a bit wise then. :D
 
3. An encounter in the desert

So the very next day, after only a few short hours in the fleshpots of Eulalia’s Oasis, we sallied forth in the direction of Judea, Bob in the lead with the gold, then Jollyrei with the frankincense, and me as arse-end Charlie with the Myrrh.

On the second day we ran into dear old Phlebas and Madiosi, heading in the opposite direction with his train of camels groaning under the weight of some fine, but rather heavy looking furniture.

“Hello, chaps!” called Bob. “Long time no see! How are you?”

Pleasantries were exchanged, and it seemed that they had just left Judea, next stop Eulalia’s Oasis.

“Do you think Eulalia might fancy that couch on the third camel?” Phlebas wondered. “I picked it up for a song off a carpenter in Nazareth, along with the rest of that stuff. He has got more, though. Here, look – he gave me his card, if you’re interested. Joe Davidson. Nice bloke.”

“I think she might,” I ventured. “We had to sit on cushions on the floor. She’d look fine reclining on that.”

Bob had a dreamy look in his eye as he pictured the scene. He took the card from Phlebas, “OK, we might give him a look, he looks as though he can handle his woodworking tools. And it’s nice to see them making something other than crosses with wood in Judea!”

“Oh, yes,” said Madi. “There are plenty of those. You may need to cover your noses when you get near to Jerusalem. There are forests of the damn things on that hill, what’s it called, Phlebas?”

“Golgotha. Yes, there were dozens of them. But you know what they’re like in Judea. ‘Independently-minded’, you could say.”

Once again I wished I were heading for Asia Minor, but I kept quiet. I didn’t want the length of Bob’s tongue again.

“Did you hear anything about a new King in Judea?” asked Jollyrei, innocently.

Madiosi looked up sharply. “How on earth did you hear about that?”

I thought it prudent to protect Jollyrei’s reputation. I didn’t want him to be thought of as a stargazing mutton head, so I said simply, “We’ve just come from Eulalia’s Oasis.”

Madiosi nodded, no further explanation necessary. What Eulalia didn’t know wasn’t worth knowing.

But Phlebas exchanged a glance with Madiosi, “That’s odd, Madi. Eul is usually spot-on right. But this time she’s got one tiny thing wrong.”

“Oh yes?” Bob was intrigued. “What’s that?”

“It’s not a king, it’s a queen. She hit Jerusalem this time last week and the Pharisees are phurious! They’re still wondering what’s hit them!”

“Why?”

“She’s smashed up King Herod’s chariot, and issued demerits to every single one of the Pharisees, and the Sadducees, too!”

“That’s why they’re so sad, you see,” quipped Jollyrei. I rolled my eyes. I’d done my best for his reputation. I couldn’t save him from himself.

Bob ignored him, too. “What’s she called, this woman?”

Phlebas smiled, “They call her ‘Barbaria, Queen of the Jews.’”
 
“It’s not a king, it’s a queen. She hit Jerusalem this time last week and the Pharisees are phurious! They’re still wondering what’s hit them!”

“Why?”

“She’s smashed up King Herod’s chariot, and issued demerits to every single one of the Pharisees, and the Sadducees, too!”

“That’s why they’re so sad, you see,” quipped Jollyrei. I rolled my eyes. I’d done my best for his reputation. I couldn’t save him from himself.

Bob ignored him, too. “What’s she called, this woman?”

Phlebas smiled, “They call her ‘Barbaria, Queen of the Jews.’”
:eek:There is still time for the three blokes to make a U-turn !;)
 
“Did you hear anything about a new King in Judea?” asked Jollyrei, innocently.
Tact and diplomacy have always been my strong suits. :rolleyes:
I didn’t want him to be thought of as a stargazing mutton head
Oh, sure. When I discover that fantastic new comet that's going to destroy the Earth, we'll just call it the Mutton Comet, I suppose.

Madiosi nodded, no further explanation necessary. What Eulalia didn’t know wasn’t worth knowing.
Well, that's true.
Bob ignored him, too. “What’s she called, this woman?”

Phlebas smiled, “They call her ‘Barbaria, Queen of the Jews.’”
Now, stop me if I've missed something, but we're kind of missing out on the whole birthday in Bethlehem thing here, it seems. Are we still going to this Davidson guy's place?
“She’s smashed up King Herod’s chariot, and issued demerits to every single one of the Pharisees, and the Sadducees, too!”
Wait. She sounds familiar. :rolleyes::devil:
 
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