old slave
FELIS RESPICIENS
I suggest we give the culprit a medal for courage and self-sacrifice,
And medals are at the discretion of the Admiral.
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Crux Trek - A Taste Of Crucifixion
- Thread starter Jollyrei
- Start date
And medals are at the discretion of the Admiral.
RacingRodent
Consul
Yes but any commissioned officer can make a recommendation for one
old slave
FELIS RESPICIENS
Anyone in mind, Commander RacingRodent? Besides the Captain, of course, golly good chap deserves a big gong.
When we will be back in Federation Zone, we still have to discuss some incident with a shuttle, an incident that brought crew members and the ship in danger.
I suggest we give the culprit a medal for courage and self-sacrifice,
I'm sure Captain Wragg has things well in hand and will handle the situation appropriately, er, decisively, um, well, he might do something...
You know, it's funny you should say that...Good thing four-posters are a violation of Star Fleet cabin furnishings guidelines!
RacingRodent
Consul
Well it is a shame no one died, well apart from some red shirts, they should get honourable mentions in dispatches of course, so perhaps Distinguished Service Medals all round but no Fleet Crosses I am afraid.
windar
Teller of Tales
You ALWAYS protest. Has it ever gotten you anywhere? Maybe you need to try a new tactic, like say, being very, very nice to the guy who runs the transporter and saved your tight little. Just sayin'
No, but a couple of the ratings banged their poor little heads on the posts of a,,,, um.... well... a four-poster bed when the ship reversed through the planet.
Serves them right for unauthorised use of unauthorised equipment!
windar
Teller of Tales
Beams locked on Moore. Co-ordinates of Hell entered. Energizing transporter in 3,2,1,,,
Well, since you've all asked so nicely. 
Chapter 12:
“It’s good to be back in Federation space,” said Captain Wragg.
“Yes,” said Commander Jollyrei, “although I can’t help feeling that we might have some explaining to do about why we were in the Neutral Zone to begin with, which resulted in some damage to the ship, not to mention several crew members.”
“Guys in red shirts,” said Wragg. “They knew what they were signing up for.”
“I meant the number of female members crucified and almost killed,” said Jollyrei.
“Oh, well, not much we could do about that,” said Wragg. “Anyway, all’s well that ends well, eh? Can’t interfere with the local culture. Prime Directive, right Mr. Phlebas?”
“That would certainly be one interpretation,” said Phlebas.
The CFS Cunnilingus was streaking through space, having left its enemies behind in some disarray. Everything was moving smoothly, it seemed. Everything seemed completely shipshape, as Wragg looked around the bridge. There was Mr. Loxuru, expertly guiding the ship at the helm. There was Lt. Repertor, scanning for danger and hoping to find something to shoot the main phaser banks at. There was a large squirrel, monitoring the engines at the bridge engineering panel. Yes, it was all back to normal, except…
“Where are the girls?” asked Wragg.
“The girls?” asked Phlebas.
“Yes,” said Wragg. “You know, Eulalia, Barb, sometimes Messaline.”
“Well,” said Phlebas, “we aren’t currently on a mission, so there’s not much science inquiry to do. Communications are minimal while we’re in warp drive, so Barb’s not really needed.”
“But where did they go?” asked Wragg. “I was going to ask Barb about that small matter of the shuttlecraft.”
“I think they went down to sick bay to check on Melia, you know, the Archon’s daughter,” said Jollyrei. “She’s been helping out the Doctor with his research, I think.”
“Bloody hell!” said Wragg. “We never returned her home. Now we’ve got her whole parsecs away. What am I going to do to explain this to the Admiral?”
“The truth?” asked RacingRodent.
“What? That we rescued her from crucifixion on her home planet and then subsequently, and quite accidentally abducted her?” asked Wragg. “That’s only going to raise the issue of why we were in the Neutral Zone to begin with. I was going to rely on responding to a distress call, but kidnapping the Archon’s daughter sort of makes that sound…”
“A bit sketchy?” said Jollyrei.
“No, that’s okay,” said RacingRodent. “She was in distress after all, being crucified by her dad and all.”
“Right,” said Wragg. “Good man, that squirrel. Oh well, better go see what’s up, I suppose. Bound to come up with something. You have the bridge, Number One.”
“Or Two,” muttered Hondoboot.
Wragg took the lift down to the hospital level, and walked into the main sick bay. Doctor Bobinder was sitting there reviewing a catalogue. It seemed to show a number of crosses, leather cuffs, different lengths of rope, and a number of spikes and hammers, all labelled “authentic” in red letters.
“Dammit Captain,” said Bobinder irritably, “you’ve got to do something. The women on this ship have gone crazy. Yeoman Messaline left me this message saying that she wanted me to review this catalogue and make recommendations on which accessories would work well with the Cruxian Elixir. I’m a doctor, not a home shopper.”
“The elixir?” asked Wragg, examining a picture of a shiny spike. “Is that life-size?”
“I don’t know,” said Bobinder. “Yeah, you know how I made an antidote for the elixir? Well, I also managed to synthesize the active ingredients as part of the process, so now we have the elixir as well, or we did have. It seems to have vanished.”
“Vanished,” asked Wragg.
“Someone made off with it,” said Bobinder.
“Who?” asked Wragg.
“Messaline,” said Bobinder.
“Where is she now?” asked Wragg.
“In the holodecks again, with Eulalia and Barb,” said Bobinder.
“The holodecks are back to their normal working order, I assume,” said Wragg.
“Yes,” said Bobinder. “Engineering assures me that whatever happens in the holodecks won’t be fatal. The fantasy failsafes are all back in place.”
“So nothing to worry about,” said Wragg. “Look, if it makes you feel better, we’ll wander down to the holodecks and see what they’re up to. I need to talk to Barb, anyway.”
Bobinder grumbled about lax morality and missing elixirs, and other things all the way to the holodecks. Wragg wasn’t sure whether he was in favour or complaining. He was wondering what sort of punishment was adequate for someone who stole a shuttlecraft, even if it was to rescue other crew members, and even if the crash of the shuttlecraft had been crucial to rescuing the crew members in question. On the other hand, crashing the shuttlecraft had meant that Barb and Siss had also been crucified and in need of rescue. On the other other hand, which he didn’t have one of, Wragg had to admit that the need to rescue Barb and Siss had been the catalyst to ending the war between the Cruxians and the Dark Zone. He wasn’t sure in the end whether he really had three hands or whether Barb should be punished at all. He didn’t like things left untidy like this.
They reached Holodeck 4 and went in.
They emerged on a green hillside, around mid-afternoon, the sun shining down on five crosses. Barb, Siss, Eulalia, Messaline, and Malins were all naked and nailed to the crosses, while 9 Roman soldiers stood by admiring them. Torn CruxFleet uniforms were strewn at the bases of the crosses. There was a small table of rough wood set up on which was a large hammer, a satchel full of spikes, and a bottle that said “Elixir Synthesis – Batch 1 Experimental”.
“Hey,” said Bobinder. “There’s my elixir. Someone's been drinking it!” He went over to the table and picked up the bottle. “And someone has drunk it all!”
“Honestly, Bob,” said Wragg, “you’re a doctor, not one of the three bears. I think it’s reasonably obvious who drank your elixir.” He nodded at the crosses.
The five naked women were writhing and moaning in the enhanced pain/pleasure paradox that only the Cruxian Elixir could induce. Sweat shone in the sunshine, nipples were tumescent and hard. Sinews were stretched as the five women reached the lethal stage of orgasm.
“I think you can count your experimental elixir a success,” said Wragg, feeling strangely affected by the sight of all the writhing naked women hanging on display.
The Romans were similarly occupied watching the girls doing their crux dance. Perhaps that was why they hadn’t paid Wragg or Bobinder any attention yet.
“You’re sure they can’t die in here,” said Wragg.
“I’m not sure of anything anymore,” said Bobinder, feeling this was likely one of the great mystical experiences of his career.
At about that moment, Eul gave a cry and stiffened. She slumped down and didn’t move, hanging limp on her cross. This seemed to set the whole field off, as one after another, Barb, Siss, Messaline, and finally Malins all gave ecstatic cries or moans or groans, and shuddered into orgasm, only to hang limp on their crosses.
“Well, they certainly give a good impression of being dead,” said Wragg.
“I’d better check,” said Bobinder taking out his medical tricorder and stepping into the Romans’ line of sight.
The Romans, now that they were not distracted by lively crucified girls, did not seem particularly happy to see Bobinder and Wragg. They seemed to recognize Wragg, or perhaps the uniform, and the 9 soldiers levelled their spears and charged toward the two men.
“Run for it,” said Wragg. He and Bobinder dodged a spear point each and then headed for the crosses, dodging between the hanging naked women and trying not to present a target for Roman spears.
“I still say you aren’t supposed to be able to die in one of these holodecks,” said Bobinder.
“Not sure that’s a comfort here. Being stuck with spears and not dying just sounds like more pain to go around,” said Wragg. “I really don’t want to be stuck with a spear,” he added. The Romans were trying to work out how to surround Wragg and Bobinder with just 9 men.
“Endurance limit reached,” said a computer voice. “Program ending. Resetting to main menu.”
The scene, including the menacing Romans vanished and was replaced by the blank black walls of the holodeck and a programming station. The five women were now still naked, but lying on the floor.
“Are they dead?” asked Wragg.
Bobinder had his medical tricorder out and was examining Messaline. “Well, Messaline is alive,” said Bobinder. “She’s asleep or unconscious, but otherwise there’s nothing wrong with her.”
The women came around one by one and were soon sitting on the floor, chatting excitedly to each other.
“Well,” said Barb, “that was an experience.”
“I told you it would be good,” said Messaline.
“I was skeptical,” said Malins, “but I’m glad you asked me along.”
“We can do it again next weekend,” said Eulalia, “if we’re not on duty somewhere.”
“And if the Doctor makes more elixir,” said Messaline.
They noticed the Captain. “Oh,” said Barb. “Hi Captain. Sorry we’re not in uniform. We did book the time off…”
“And these Roman guys sort of tore our uniforms,” said Siss, rolling her eyes.
“Where did those Romans come from?” asked Bobinder.
“Oh,” said Siss, “they’re the ones I was following to the cargo bays, and then they saw me and they became the Romans chasing me back down the corridors. I led them back to the holodecks in the end, and now they’re just part of the program again.”
“So they’re not real Romans?” asked Wragg.
“They sure feel real when they strip you and nail you to a cross,” said Eulalia. “But no, they only exist in the holodecks.”
“We need more elixir,” said Messaline to Bobinder.
“So I gather,” said Bobinder. “See,” he said to Wragg. “This is the sort of thing we get for exploring strange new worlds.”
“Boldly going where no man has gone…” said Wragg.
“…yet,” said Barb cheerfully.
“Where is Melia,” asked Wragg. “I thought she’d be with you, for some reason.”
“Oh,” said Messaline. “She said she had seen enough crucifixions for the moment, and wanted to find out about the Federation, since she’s apparently going to live here now.”
“She went to Holodeck 6 to run a culture and history program,” said Eulalia. “There’s a good bit with Admiral Old Slave in it.”
“Is there really,” said Wragg.
“I programmed that part myself,” said Eulalia.
Wragg left most of the girls with Bobinder, who was checking on any side effects of his experimental elixir, or at least it was as good a pretext as any for examining them intimately, while Wragg took Eulalia to find Melia. Eulalia picked up a spare uniform dress on the way out of the holodeck.
“Here we are,” said Eulalia. “Holodeck 6, and you see, the Federation Historical Overview program is running.”
“We can go in?” asked Wragg.
“Oh yes,” said Messaline. “Whatever is happening, the program won’t notice us. We can only interact with Melia.”
Wragg keyed the door open and they went in. Wragg stood and stared at the panorama laid out in front of him.
“I don’t think history was quite this interesting when I was a lad,” said Wragg. “Is this the bit you programmed?”
“Well,” said Eulalia, “that is certainly Admiral Old Slave, and I meant it to be interactive, but…”
“Trust me,” said Wragg, “that’s about as interactive as it gets.”
There was a large four poster bed, set up, oddly enough, in the main Federation Council chamber at Cruxton, back on Earth. In the bed were Melia, who seemed to be riding the Admiral. The admiral was still sort of wearing his jacket, with his rank insignia quite visible.
“That’s not the real Admiral, is it?” asked Wragg.
“I don’t think so,” said Eulalia, “but I think Melia has found a back door in the program. She appears to have seduced the Admiral.”
“I can see what she appears to have done,” said Wragg. He sighed. “Look,” he said, “when she’s, er, done, report back to the bridge with her. We need to work out her future.”
Half an hour later, Wragg was still trying to work out what, if anything, he was going to do about Barb and the shuttlecraft, or was it Barb and Siss and the shuttlecraft. Surely some sort of disciplinary action should be taken when people took a shuttle without authorization and wrapped it around a large tree in a municipal park.
The lift doors opened and Eulalia dragged Melia onto the bridge.
“All I’m saying,” said Eulalia, “is that there are protocols in the Federation. Strangers don’t just place a communication to the Admiral.”
“But I want to meet him,” said Melia. She was back wearing the normal attire for her people, which meant that she was wearing only a short skirt.
“What’s this about Ms. Eulalia?” asked Wragg.
“Melia went back to her quarters to change, and while she was there, managed somehow to place a person-to-person call to Admiral Old Slave’s office.”
“Good lord,” said Jollyrei. “Did she get through?”
“Only to his receptionist,” said Eulalia, “but…”
“Communication from CruxFleet coming in,” said Barb crisply and efficiently. “Admiral on the screen.”
“Good lord!” said Wragg, and meant it.
The congenial, authoritarian, and dignified features of Admiral Old Slave came into focus on the screen. He was an older man who looked, he would say himself, damn fine in a uniform. Sometimes he would add, “and out of it”, if the company was right.
“What the hell is goin’ on, Wragg,” he said. “Your ship disappears off all our tracking for days, and when you suddenly reappear, strange girls are phoning me up out of the blue.”
“Sorry, sir,” said Wragg. “The Cunnilingus responded to a distress call from a planet, while on patrol, in Sector, er, well, that’s not really important. Anyway, we responded,” Wragg wondered if this report was really going all that well. The Admiral was glowering at him from the VisiScreen™ in a rather impressive way. Melia seemed quite rapt. “…and to make a long story short,” said Wragg, “we stopped a war.”
“Really,” said the Admiral. “Hmmmmm. So what’s this about a girl phonin’ me? Is she part of the spoils?”
“No, Mr. Admiral,” said Melia, jumping in front of Wragg, “I was rescued from certain death by these officers.”
The Admiral stared at her. Then he saw what she was wearing, or not wearing, and he stared some more. Wragg put his head in his hands.
“Who is this?” asked the Admiral. “Is she the one who called my office?”
“This is the daughter of the leader of the planet, where we, er, stopped a war,” said Wragg.
“My name is Melia, daughter of the Archon of Crux Primus. It is true, Admiral. Your Captain Wragg and his crew have stopped a war on my planet and now I am coming to the Federation, and I saw a historical presentation and you were there, and I wanted to meet you.”
“Among other things,” muttered Wragg to Eulalia.
“Meet me?” asked Old Slave. “Well, er, young lady, um, I can certainly understand that. Archon’s daughter, eh? Look, Wragg, new orders, what. You and the Cunnilingus are to dock at Earth. Make a full presentation, sort of thing. Stopping wars is inspirin’ stuff. You seem to have done some good diplomatic work there. Got a visiting dignitary on board and all, and a pretty damn fetching one at that.” He leaned in to the camera, and winked at Wragg in what he seemed to think was a confidential manner, as if he didn’t realize that this made his face fill the entire screen, visible to everyone on the bridge.
“I think we should roll out the red carpet for her here at my, er, at Federation HQ. I’m sure your crew could do with a nice holiday. Stoppin’ a war! Well done, man. Don’t dawdle. I’ll expect her, um, you back here in a couple of days. Admiral out.”
And the Admiral vanished. Everyone looked at Melia. She smiled happily. “The Admiral is quite dashing, isn’t he?” she said.
“She’s better at this than you are,” Eulalia said to Barb with some admiration. Barb shrugged.
“You’re just swooning over his pips,” said Phlebas sagely.
“Pips?” asked Melia. “Oh, is that what you call it. Yes, I want to know if his pips is as good in real life as on the holodeck.”
“Er,” said Jollyrei, “you may have got the wrong impression. Pips are…”
“Never mind, Commander,” said Wragg, as Melia happily left the bridge. “Well,” he added, “this is a first, eh? We do all the ending of wars and enduring of crucifixions, and discovering of new elixirs, and the Admiral gets the girl.”
“Them’s the breaks,” said Hondoboot in his dispassionate Vulcan way.
“Oh well,” said Wragg. “We seem to have impressed the Admiral, with the help of Melia. Stopping a war will be a feather in our caps. Everything else can go in our report as part of that effort. No demerits for us this time!”
“But are any of us getting promotions?” asked Barb.
“Promotions? After you stole a shuttlecraft? What about the “Mustang”?” asked Repertor.
“Oh right, that,” said Wragg. “I should discuss that with Ensign Moore, I suppose.”
“Ms. Moore,” he said, “you will meet me in Holodeck 6 at 16:00 hours on Stardate 34-22-36 (a voluptuous stardate, if I ever heard one), where we will discuss the borrowing of shuttlecraft, and…other things.”
“I think that’s today,” said Barb. “Never could understand those stardates.”
“Correct, Ms. Moore,” said Wragg.
“Why the holodecks?” asked Barb suspiciously. “If you want to interrogate me, why not your ready room? You’re not going to crucify me, are you?”
“Well, you know what goes on in those holodecks,” said Phlebas. Barb glared at him.
“I think we’ve all seen enough crucifixions for one day,” said Wragg. He went over to Eulalia’s station while Barb squirmed in her seat.
“You know,” he said to Eulalia, “that part of the historical program with the Federation Council chamber and the four-poster? Can that run without the Admiral or any other people in it, you know, just that scene, on its own?”
“Oh, aye,” said Eulalia. “You just select your scene and tell the holodeck you don't want any other characters. Then you can do whatever you like in there.”
Wragg grinned at Barb in friendly way, which nevertheless carried an undertone of foreboding.
“Perfect,” he said.
THE END.
Chapter 12:
“It’s good to be back in Federation space,” said Captain Wragg.
“Yes,” said Commander Jollyrei, “although I can’t help feeling that we might have some explaining to do about why we were in the Neutral Zone to begin with, which resulted in some damage to the ship, not to mention several crew members.”
“Guys in red shirts,” said Wragg. “They knew what they were signing up for.”
“I meant the number of female members crucified and almost killed,” said Jollyrei.
“Oh, well, not much we could do about that,” said Wragg. “Anyway, all’s well that ends well, eh? Can’t interfere with the local culture. Prime Directive, right Mr. Phlebas?”
“That would certainly be one interpretation,” said Phlebas.
The CFS Cunnilingus was streaking through space, having left its enemies behind in some disarray. Everything was moving smoothly, it seemed. Everything seemed completely shipshape, as Wragg looked around the bridge. There was Mr. Loxuru, expertly guiding the ship at the helm. There was Lt. Repertor, scanning for danger and hoping to find something to shoot the main phaser banks at. There was a large squirrel, monitoring the engines at the bridge engineering panel. Yes, it was all back to normal, except…
“Where are the girls?” asked Wragg.
“The girls?” asked Phlebas.
“Yes,” said Wragg. “You know, Eulalia, Barb, sometimes Messaline.”
“Well,” said Phlebas, “we aren’t currently on a mission, so there’s not much science inquiry to do. Communications are minimal while we’re in warp drive, so Barb’s not really needed.”
“But where did they go?” asked Wragg. “I was going to ask Barb about that small matter of the shuttlecraft.”
“I think they went down to sick bay to check on Melia, you know, the Archon’s daughter,” said Jollyrei. “She’s been helping out the Doctor with his research, I think.”
“Bloody hell!” said Wragg. “We never returned her home. Now we’ve got her whole parsecs away. What am I going to do to explain this to the Admiral?”
“The truth?” asked RacingRodent.
“What? That we rescued her from crucifixion on her home planet and then subsequently, and quite accidentally abducted her?” asked Wragg. “That’s only going to raise the issue of why we were in the Neutral Zone to begin with. I was going to rely on responding to a distress call, but kidnapping the Archon’s daughter sort of makes that sound…”
“A bit sketchy?” said Jollyrei.
“No, that’s okay,” said RacingRodent. “She was in distress after all, being crucified by her dad and all.”
“Right,” said Wragg. “Good man, that squirrel. Oh well, better go see what’s up, I suppose. Bound to come up with something. You have the bridge, Number One.”
“Or Two,” muttered Hondoboot.
Wragg took the lift down to the hospital level, and walked into the main sick bay. Doctor Bobinder was sitting there reviewing a catalogue. It seemed to show a number of crosses, leather cuffs, different lengths of rope, and a number of spikes and hammers, all labelled “authentic” in red letters.
“Dammit Captain,” said Bobinder irritably, “you’ve got to do something. The women on this ship have gone crazy. Yeoman Messaline left me this message saying that she wanted me to review this catalogue and make recommendations on which accessories would work well with the Cruxian Elixir. I’m a doctor, not a home shopper.”
“The elixir?” asked Wragg, examining a picture of a shiny spike. “Is that life-size?”
“I don’t know,” said Bobinder. “Yeah, you know how I made an antidote for the elixir? Well, I also managed to synthesize the active ingredients as part of the process, so now we have the elixir as well, or we did have. It seems to have vanished.”
“Vanished,” asked Wragg.
“Someone made off with it,” said Bobinder.
“Who?” asked Wragg.
“Messaline,” said Bobinder.
“Where is she now?” asked Wragg.
“In the holodecks again, with Eulalia and Barb,” said Bobinder.
“The holodecks are back to their normal working order, I assume,” said Wragg.
“Yes,” said Bobinder. “Engineering assures me that whatever happens in the holodecks won’t be fatal. The fantasy failsafes are all back in place.”
“So nothing to worry about,” said Wragg. “Look, if it makes you feel better, we’ll wander down to the holodecks and see what they’re up to. I need to talk to Barb, anyway.”
Bobinder grumbled about lax morality and missing elixirs, and other things all the way to the holodecks. Wragg wasn’t sure whether he was in favour or complaining. He was wondering what sort of punishment was adequate for someone who stole a shuttlecraft, even if it was to rescue other crew members, and even if the crash of the shuttlecraft had been crucial to rescuing the crew members in question. On the other hand, crashing the shuttlecraft had meant that Barb and Siss had also been crucified and in need of rescue. On the other other hand, which he didn’t have one of, Wragg had to admit that the need to rescue Barb and Siss had been the catalyst to ending the war between the Cruxians and the Dark Zone. He wasn’t sure in the end whether he really had three hands or whether Barb should be punished at all. He didn’t like things left untidy like this.
They reached Holodeck 4 and went in.
They emerged on a green hillside, around mid-afternoon, the sun shining down on five crosses. Barb, Siss, Eulalia, Messaline, and Malins were all naked and nailed to the crosses, while 9 Roman soldiers stood by admiring them. Torn CruxFleet uniforms were strewn at the bases of the crosses. There was a small table of rough wood set up on which was a large hammer, a satchel full of spikes, and a bottle that said “Elixir Synthesis – Batch 1 Experimental”.
“Hey,” said Bobinder. “There’s my elixir. Someone's been drinking it!” He went over to the table and picked up the bottle. “And someone has drunk it all!”
“Honestly, Bob,” said Wragg, “you’re a doctor, not one of the three bears. I think it’s reasonably obvious who drank your elixir.” He nodded at the crosses.
The five naked women were writhing and moaning in the enhanced pain/pleasure paradox that only the Cruxian Elixir could induce. Sweat shone in the sunshine, nipples were tumescent and hard. Sinews were stretched as the five women reached the lethal stage of orgasm.
“I think you can count your experimental elixir a success,” said Wragg, feeling strangely affected by the sight of all the writhing naked women hanging on display.
The Romans were similarly occupied watching the girls doing their crux dance. Perhaps that was why they hadn’t paid Wragg or Bobinder any attention yet.
“You’re sure they can’t die in here,” said Wragg.
“I’m not sure of anything anymore,” said Bobinder, feeling this was likely one of the great mystical experiences of his career.
At about that moment, Eul gave a cry and stiffened. She slumped down and didn’t move, hanging limp on her cross. This seemed to set the whole field off, as one after another, Barb, Siss, Messaline, and finally Malins all gave ecstatic cries or moans or groans, and shuddered into orgasm, only to hang limp on their crosses.
“Well, they certainly give a good impression of being dead,” said Wragg.
“I’d better check,” said Bobinder taking out his medical tricorder and stepping into the Romans’ line of sight.
The Romans, now that they were not distracted by lively crucified girls, did not seem particularly happy to see Bobinder and Wragg. They seemed to recognize Wragg, or perhaps the uniform, and the 9 soldiers levelled their spears and charged toward the two men.
“Run for it,” said Wragg. He and Bobinder dodged a spear point each and then headed for the crosses, dodging between the hanging naked women and trying not to present a target for Roman spears.
“I still say you aren’t supposed to be able to die in one of these holodecks,” said Bobinder.
“Not sure that’s a comfort here. Being stuck with spears and not dying just sounds like more pain to go around,” said Wragg. “I really don’t want to be stuck with a spear,” he added. The Romans were trying to work out how to surround Wragg and Bobinder with just 9 men.
“Endurance limit reached,” said a computer voice. “Program ending. Resetting to main menu.”
The scene, including the menacing Romans vanished and was replaced by the blank black walls of the holodeck and a programming station. The five women were now still naked, but lying on the floor.
“Are they dead?” asked Wragg.
Bobinder had his medical tricorder out and was examining Messaline. “Well, Messaline is alive,” said Bobinder. “She’s asleep or unconscious, but otherwise there’s nothing wrong with her.”
The women came around one by one and were soon sitting on the floor, chatting excitedly to each other.
“Well,” said Barb, “that was an experience.”
“I told you it would be good,” said Messaline.
“I was skeptical,” said Malins, “but I’m glad you asked me along.”
“We can do it again next weekend,” said Eulalia, “if we’re not on duty somewhere.”
“And if the Doctor makes more elixir,” said Messaline.
They noticed the Captain. “Oh,” said Barb. “Hi Captain. Sorry we’re not in uniform. We did book the time off…”
“And these Roman guys sort of tore our uniforms,” said Siss, rolling her eyes.
“Where did those Romans come from?” asked Bobinder.
“Oh,” said Siss, “they’re the ones I was following to the cargo bays, and then they saw me and they became the Romans chasing me back down the corridors. I led them back to the holodecks in the end, and now they’re just part of the program again.”
“So they’re not real Romans?” asked Wragg.
“They sure feel real when they strip you and nail you to a cross,” said Eulalia. “But no, they only exist in the holodecks.”
“We need more elixir,” said Messaline to Bobinder.
“So I gather,” said Bobinder. “See,” he said to Wragg. “This is the sort of thing we get for exploring strange new worlds.”
“Boldly going where no man has gone…” said Wragg.
“…yet,” said Barb cheerfully.
“Where is Melia,” asked Wragg. “I thought she’d be with you, for some reason.”
“Oh,” said Messaline. “She said she had seen enough crucifixions for the moment, and wanted to find out about the Federation, since she’s apparently going to live here now.”
“She went to Holodeck 6 to run a culture and history program,” said Eulalia. “There’s a good bit with Admiral Old Slave in it.”
“Is there really,” said Wragg.
“I programmed that part myself,” said Eulalia.
Wragg left most of the girls with Bobinder, who was checking on any side effects of his experimental elixir, or at least it was as good a pretext as any for examining them intimately, while Wragg took Eulalia to find Melia. Eulalia picked up a spare uniform dress on the way out of the holodeck.
“Here we are,” said Eulalia. “Holodeck 6, and you see, the Federation Historical Overview program is running.”
“We can go in?” asked Wragg.
“Oh yes,” said Messaline. “Whatever is happening, the program won’t notice us. We can only interact with Melia.”
Wragg keyed the door open and they went in. Wragg stood and stared at the panorama laid out in front of him.
“I don’t think history was quite this interesting when I was a lad,” said Wragg. “Is this the bit you programmed?”
“Well,” said Eulalia, “that is certainly Admiral Old Slave, and I meant it to be interactive, but…”
“Trust me,” said Wragg, “that’s about as interactive as it gets.”
There was a large four poster bed, set up, oddly enough, in the main Federation Council chamber at Cruxton, back on Earth. In the bed were Melia, who seemed to be riding the Admiral. The admiral was still sort of wearing his jacket, with his rank insignia quite visible.
“That’s not the real Admiral, is it?” asked Wragg.
“I don’t think so,” said Eulalia, “but I think Melia has found a back door in the program. She appears to have seduced the Admiral.”
“I can see what she appears to have done,” said Wragg. He sighed. “Look,” he said, “when she’s, er, done, report back to the bridge with her. We need to work out her future.”
Half an hour later, Wragg was still trying to work out what, if anything, he was going to do about Barb and the shuttlecraft, or was it Barb and Siss and the shuttlecraft. Surely some sort of disciplinary action should be taken when people took a shuttle without authorization and wrapped it around a large tree in a municipal park.
The lift doors opened and Eulalia dragged Melia onto the bridge.
“All I’m saying,” said Eulalia, “is that there are protocols in the Federation. Strangers don’t just place a communication to the Admiral.”
“But I want to meet him,” said Melia. She was back wearing the normal attire for her people, which meant that she was wearing only a short skirt.
“What’s this about Ms. Eulalia?” asked Wragg.
“Melia went back to her quarters to change, and while she was there, managed somehow to place a person-to-person call to Admiral Old Slave’s office.”
“Good lord,” said Jollyrei. “Did she get through?”
“Only to his receptionist,” said Eulalia, “but…”
“Communication from CruxFleet coming in,” said Barb crisply and efficiently. “Admiral on the screen.”
“Good lord!” said Wragg, and meant it.
The congenial, authoritarian, and dignified features of Admiral Old Slave came into focus on the screen. He was an older man who looked, he would say himself, damn fine in a uniform. Sometimes he would add, “and out of it”, if the company was right.
“What the hell is goin’ on, Wragg,” he said. “Your ship disappears off all our tracking for days, and when you suddenly reappear, strange girls are phoning me up out of the blue.”
“Sorry, sir,” said Wragg. “The Cunnilingus responded to a distress call from a planet, while on patrol, in Sector, er, well, that’s not really important. Anyway, we responded,” Wragg wondered if this report was really going all that well. The Admiral was glowering at him from the VisiScreen™ in a rather impressive way. Melia seemed quite rapt. “…and to make a long story short,” said Wragg, “we stopped a war.”
“Really,” said the Admiral. “Hmmmmm. So what’s this about a girl phonin’ me? Is she part of the spoils?”
“No, Mr. Admiral,” said Melia, jumping in front of Wragg, “I was rescued from certain death by these officers.”
The Admiral stared at her. Then he saw what she was wearing, or not wearing, and he stared some more. Wragg put his head in his hands.
“Who is this?” asked the Admiral. “Is she the one who called my office?”
“This is the daughter of the leader of the planet, where we, er, stopped a war,” said Wragg.
“My name is Melia, daughter of the Archon of Crux Primus. It is true, Admiral. Your Captain Wragg and his crew have stopped a war on my planet and now I am coming to the Federation, and I saw a historical presentation and you were there, and I wanted to meet you.”
“Among other things,” muttered Wragg to Eulalia.
“Meet me?” asked Old Slave. “Well, er, young lady, um, I can certainly understand that. Archon’s daughter, eh? Look, Wragg, new orders, what. You and the Cunnilingus are to dock at Earth. Make a full presentation, sort of thing. Stopping wars is inspirin’ stuff. You seem to have done some good diplomatic work there. Got a visiting dignitary on board and all, and a pretty damn fetching one at that.” He leaned in to the camera, and winked at Wragg in what he seemed to think was a confidential manner, as if he didn’t realize that this made his face fill the entire screen, visible to everyone on the bridge.
“I think we should roll out the red carpet for her here at my, er, at Federation HQ. I’m sure your crew could do with a nice holiday. Stoppin’ a war! Well done, man. Don’t dawdle. I’ll expect her, um, you back here in a couple of days. Admiral out.”
And the Admiral vanished. Everyone looked at Melia. She smiled happily. “The Admiral is quite dashing, isn’t he?” she said.
“She’s better at this than you are,” Eulalia said to Barb with some admiration. Barb shrugged.
“You’re just swooning over his pips,” said Phlebas sagely.
“Pips?” asked Melia. “Oh, is that what you call it. Yes, I want to know if his pips is as good in real life as on the holodeck.”
“Er,” said Jollyrei, “you may have got the wrong impression. Pips are…”
“Never mind, Commander,” said Wragg, as Melia happily left the bridge. “Well,” he added, “this is a first, eh? We do all the ending of wars and enduring of crucifixions, and discovering of new elixirs, and the Admiral gets the girl.”
“Them’s the breaks,” said Hondoboot in his dispassionate Vulcan way.
“Oh well,” said Wragg. “We seem to have impressed the Admiral, with the help of Melia. Stopping a war will be a feather in our caps. Everything else can go in our report as part of that effort. No demerits for us this time!”
“But are any of us getting promotions?” asked Barb.
“Promotions? After you stole a shuttlecraft? What about the “Mustang”?” asked Repertor.
“Oh right, that,” said Wragg. “I should discuss that with Ensign Moore, I suppose.”
“Ms. Moore,” he said, “you will meet me in Holodeck 6 at 16:00 hours on Stardate 34-22-36 (a voluptuous stardate, if I ever heard one), where we will discuss the borrowing of shuttlecraft, and…other things.”
“I think that’s today,” said Barb. “Never could understand those stardates.”
“Correct, Ms. Moore,” said Wragg.
“Why the holodecks?” asked Barb suspiciously. “If you want to interrogate me, why not your ready room? You’re not going to crucify me, are you?”
“Well, you know what goes on in those holodecks,” said Phlebas. Barb glared at him.
“I think we’ve all seen enough crucifixions for one day,” said Wragg. He went over to Eulalia’s station while Barb squirmed in her seat.
“You know,” he said to Eulalia, “that part of the historical program with the Federation Council chamber and the four-poster? Can that run without the Admiral or any other people in it, you know, just that scene, on its own?”
“Oh, aye,” said Eulalia. “You just select your scene and tell the holodeck you don't want any other characters. Then you can do whatever you like in there.”
Wragg grinned at Barb in friendly way, which nevertheless carried an undertone of foreboding.
“Perfect,” he said.
THE END.
RacingRodent
Consul
Bravo 
windar
Teller of Tales
When you write a grant application there is ALWAYS a LOT of science to do.
Harry Truman after listening to a bunch of his economic advisers tell him, "On the one hand," "On the other hand" supposedly asked for a one-handed economist.
Would you like me to demerit him for that one, Messa?
I was hoping he would forget about that ....
And here in a nutshell (let it go RR) is why I should be promoted to replace him!
TABLEAU !!!!
Got the "T" word in .... good job!
He hasn't worked it out yet .... very very slow.
Come see, come saw ....
Oh Shit !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RacingRodent
Consul
Oh Shit !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perfection, as generations of Wraggs and Rodents will tell you, takes time
Oh Shit !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She'll come around... When she realises how very cross I am about that shuttle, I'm sure she'll find a way to calm me down...
Jollyrei, this has been one of your very best! If I had a laughometer rather than a loathometer it would be in urgent need of that genius engineer's attention!
Fan-bloody-tastic, my friend!!!
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She'll come around... When she realises how very cross I am about that shuttle, I'm sure she'll find a way to calm me down...
Alright, alright! Enough already. Let's just get it over with, please.