Little Red-neck Ryder's Hoodie

Naraku · Dec 23, 2016

Yep, Ryder was feeling downright pleased with herself when the trail took a jig to the right past a big rock. And that's when things got really hairy.

And I do mean hairy, cause standing there in the middle of the trail was the biggest, meanest, nastiest looking wolf Ryder had seen in all her born days. Truth be told, this was the only wolf she'd ever seen. But, his big yellow eyes, snarling teeth and bristling fur convinced her this was no stray dog.

"Well, well, well," said the Wolf, "Ain't you a tasty looking thing."

"Are...are...are you a wolf?" stammered Ryder.

"Well, I ain't the fucking Easter Bunny." the Wolf snapped back.

"Is you gonna eat me?"

"I'm thinking on it," said the Wolf, "What you got in that basket?"

Ryder held the basket out to him, "It's some birthday gifts for my grandma."

The Wolf snatched the basket from her and looked inside. "What is this shit?"

"It's lotions and creams and bath oils. Old ladies love that shit." Ryder answered and then added hopefully, "Oh! There's an MP3 player in there. You could hock that for a few bucks."

"Girl, I'm a wild animal." the Wolf barked, "I can't be going to no pawn shop. And what am I gonna do with money? Go to Dairy Queen and buy a burger and fries? Now, get your clothes off."

Ryder was a bit stunned by that last part as it was the last thing she expected a wolf to say to her, "Look, I don't know what you've heard about me, but I ain't enough of a freak to do it with a wolf."

"Ew! Jesus! Don't be disgusting!" the Wolf snapped back at her, "I ain't into no bestiality."

"Well, if you're not gonna fuck me," said a confused Ryder, "Why do you want me naked?"

"On account of the last girl I ate tried to run and I had to rip her throat out. Then, I had to chew my way through her clothes to get to the meat. I got fibers caught in my teeth, I had to spit out buttons, chipped a tooth on a zipper and I was shitting cotton and polyester for a week. You ever shit polyester? It don't feel good, I can tell you.

"Now, I'll make you a deal. You take off all your clothes nice and cooperative like, and I'll snap your neck before eating you and you won't feel a thing."

"And, if I don't?"

"If you don't," snarled the Wolf, "I'll bite through your calves so you can't run. Then, I'll rip you open and eat your innards while you is still alive and watching."

Ryder started to unbutton her shorts, but she was having trouble what with her hands shaking.

"I can't do this." she said, "I can't strip with you watching. I mean, I ain't got no trouble getting naked in front of a man. But, you got me so scared I'm shaking like a leaf and I can't do it with you staring at me like I was a side of ribs on the barbeque."

"Well, I guess that's gonna be your bad luck then." the Wolf hissed and started moving toward her.

"Now, hold up a minute!" Ryder shouted, "If you turn your back and look away I think I can do it."

"Do I look stupid to you?" snapped the Wolf, "Soon as I turn you is gonna run. Carnivore rule number one is never turn you back on your prey."

"Well...um..." Ryder hemmed a moment, then said, "What if I throw my clothes past you when I take them off? That way, you'd know I was stripping. And, you could hear me if I started running, what with those big ears of yours."

The Wolf stroked his chin and thought on this a moment. He didn't relish the idea of trying to pass fabric again and Ryder did have a point about his ears.

"Alright," he said, "You got a deal. I'll turn around and you toss your clothes over there next to that tree stump." Then, he added, with his most menacing growl, "But, you'd better not try and pull no tricks on me."

Naraku · Dec 23, 2016

Turning his back on Ryder, the Wolf tossed aside the basket of lotions and whatnot and started looking through the menu on the MP3 player: "Now, let's see what kinda stuff is on this thing.

"Holy shit!" the Wolf exclaimed, "Porter Wagner. Red Foley. George Jones. The Statler Brothers. Chet Atkins. Loretta Lynn. Marty Robbins. Roy Clark. The Oak Ridge Boys...Damn, girl! This here is real Country. Not like that shit that comes outta Nashville these days. Seem like everybody wants to be a Pop star now. I think it all got started with that Shania Twain back in the 90s. And that damned whore Taylor Swift...I'd like to get her alone in the woods, I'd teach her what real pain is, I tell ya what."

While the Wolf was giving his lecture on the decline of Country Music, Ryder was tossing pieces of her clothing past him just as she had promised. First, her cut off denim shorts. Next, a pair of pink panties. Those were followed by the Dale Earnhardt t-shirt. And finally, a red lace bra landed next the stump.

Now, if the Wolf had been less concerned with being a music critic and paying attention to what was getting tossed past him; or if he had known as much about human clothes as he did Classic Country, he might have wonder how it was that Ryder's t-shirt and bra had come off before the red hoodie that was over them.

You see, Ryder had come up with a clever plan. She had actually taken the hoodie off as soon as the Wolf turned his back. Then, while taking off the rest of her clothes, she had moved up real gradual like until, when she tossed her bra, she was standing right behind that big, old Wolf. As soon as the bra hit the ground, she pulled that hoodie over the Wolf's head and took off running.

Now, if you knew Ryder, this would have surprised you. "Clever" is not one of the words most people would have used to describe her. Sexy, trampy, lazy, irresponsible, unreliable...sure; but not clever. It's not that Ryder was considered stupid - even if she wasn't one of the brightest bulbs on the tree, there were plenty of dimmer ones around - it's just that she wasn't usually one to plan ahead and think things through. Most of the time, she just did whatever she felt like doing then try to worm her way out of the consequences later. I suppose that comes from being a hot looking girl, she just never found it necessary to rely on her brains.

If she'd been really clever, she would have run back the way she came. She'd have been on Possum Road in no time and could've gotten one of the neighbors to help, even if she couldn't find the spare key hidden on the front porch under the cracked flower pot and locked herself in her own house. If she had been really, really clever, she would have taken the keys out of her shorts before throwing them away.

If she had been slightly clever, she would have run past the Wolf, down the trail to the Pick-Kwik where a naked girl screaming "Help! Wolf!" would have surely got someone's attention.

If she had been just a little bit clever, she would have kept her clothes on and pulled the hoodie over the Wolf's head as soon as he turned his back.

But, she wasn't all that clever - the trick with the hoodie was the smartest thing she'd come up with in at least three weeks - and she just took off running straight into the woods...Stark naked.

The Wolf, once he got over his initial shock, started clawing at the hoodie trying to pull it off his head. All the while he was howling at the top of his lungs: "You lying slut! I'm going make you pay! I'm going rip you open and eat you slow and make you beg me to kill you!"

It didn't take long for Ryder to realize that running naked through the woods wasn't the best idea. It may be fine for animals with fur and tough hides, but it's not so good for humans with their delicate skin. She was getting whipped and slashed by every branch and bramble from her shins to her forehead. At least she'd had the good sense to keep her shoes on. But, imitation snake-skin cowboy boots aren't really the best choice for running through the woods. She'd get smacked across the crotch and put her hands down to cover herself there. The she'd get smacked across the breasts and try to cover those. Then she'd get smacked in the face and she'd put her arms up in front of her only to get smacked across the belly...and so on. And, she couldn't do nothing to protect her legs. It was like she was running through some kind of gauntlet and all the trees and bushes were trying to get in a shot at her. Finally, she tripped over a root and went sprawling into a briar patch.

As Ryder was trying to disentangle herself, she heard a sound that made her blood run cold: the snarling and barking of one extremely pissed off wolf. She tore herself free of the branches and took off running as fast as her boots would carry her no longer caring one bit about how often or where she was getting cut.

Meanwhile, the Wolf was having his own difficulties. Ordinarily, a wolf would have no problem catching a small woman running through the woods. But, this wolf wasn't a young pup anymore. He'd gotten a bit up in years. The younger wolves had driven him out of the pack because he was slowing them down. That was why he was hanging around places where humans lived. He was too old to chase rabbits and deer and was reduced to raiding chicken coops and garbage cans...and eating the occasional human that was foolish enough to get too close. All that snarling and barking that Ryder thought she was hearing was really the Wolf wheezing and coughing as he tried to keep up with her. Truth is he was getting so tired he would have given up the chase if he weren't so fired up angry at the trick Ryder had played on him. He was determined he was gonna catch her and kill her even if he died of a heart attack trying.

Naraku · Dec 23, 2016

I can't say if it was instinct or just dumb luck, but Ryder managed to burst out of the woods right behind her granny's house. She was a mess, all cut and bruised and panting and sweating, but the thought that the Wolf was right behind her sent her scrambling over the split-rail fence and across the yard to Granny's back porch screaming: "Granma! Help! There's a wolf after me!"

Ryder tried the back door, but it was locked, so she pounded on it screaming for help then ran around to the front. That door was locked too and no matter how much she screamed, Ryder couldn't get Granny to open up.

That's because, unfortunately for Ryder, some the ladies from the church had taken Granny to a birthday lunch at the Cracker Barrel on Exit 62 and she wasn't gonna be back for hours. Also unfortunately for Ryder, Granny's house had been broken into last year. They'd stolen her stereo which is why Ryder's momma had gotten her the MP3 player. As a result of this crime, Cousin Fred had put burglar bars on all the windows for Granny.

Ryder was in a real fix. She could hear the Wolf howling and barking - wheezing and hacking, that is - and knew he'd be there any second. She was screwed...and not in the good way. That's when Ryder had her second and last bright idea of the day.

Cousin Fred had been putting new shingles on Granny's roof on Sunday but he'd had to quit when he ran out of beer. He promised to come back next Saturday and finish the job and had left his aluminum extendable ladder on the back porch. So, Ryder got that ladder, put it up against the house and clambered up onto the roof.

Now, if Ryder had been really clever, she would have pulled the ladder up behind her. The Wolf couldn't have gotten up on the roof and she could have just sat there waiting until someone came along to help. and, if Ryder hadn't been so scared she might have noticed the wisps of smoke coming out of the chimney. But, at that moment, the only thing she could think of was that she had to get inside the house and there was only one way to do it. So, just as the Wolf came bounding out of the woods, Ryder slid down the chimney...and straight into the big iron kettle of vegetable soup that Granny had left simmering over a low fire for that night's family get-together.

And that's where the Wolf found her. He leapt over the fence with his last bit of strength and came crashing into the back door with enough force to knock it clean off its hinges. And there was Ryder, in the kettle with her butt getting burned by the hot metal and getting scalded by the soup and screaming: "Help! Help! I's getting boiled to death!".

The Wolf, once he realized what was happening, start chuckling between gasps for air. "Sure, girl," he said, "I'll help you." Then, he slammed the lid over Ryder and wedged the ladle through the handle to hold it down and said, "There now. That'll help to keep your juices in."

A couple of hours later, Granny's friends dropped her off in front of her house. As soon as she came in the door she could tell something was wrong. The back door was lying on the kitchen floor. Her kettle was tipped over next to the dinner room table. There was a pile of bones and a pair of boots on the table. And, strangest of all, there was a big old wolf sitting in her easy chair listening to an MP3 player.

When he saw her, the Wolf stood up, took off the headphones and tossed the player onto the chair. Then, rubbing his full swollen belly he sauntered toward the back door.

And as he headed out he said: "Ma'am, you got a nice house, great taste in music and your granddaughter was delicious...But, you put way too much celery in your stew."

The end.

rb1956 · Dec 24, 2016

Naraku said:
I can't say if it was instinct or just dumb luck, but Ryder managed to burst out of the woods right behind her granny's house. She was a mess, all cut and bruised and panting and sweating, but the thought that the Wolf was right behind her sent her scrambling over the split-rail fence and across the yard to Granny's back porch screaming: "Granma! Help! There's a wolf after me!"

Ryder tried the back door, but it was locked, so she pounded on it screaming for help then ran around to the front. That door was locked too and no matter how much she screamed, Ryder couldn't get Granny to open up.

That's because, unfortunately for Ryder, some the ladies from the church had taken Granny to a birthday lunch at the Cracker Barrel on Exit 62 and she wasn't gonna be back for hours. Also unfortunately for Ryder, Granny's house had been broken into last year. They'd stolen her stereo which is why Ryder's momma had gotten her the MP3 player. As a result of this crime, Cousin Fred had put burglar bars on all the windows for Granny.

Ryder was in a real fix. She could hear the Wolf howling and barking - wheezing and hacking, that is - and knew he'd be there any second. She was screwed...and not in the good way. That's when Ryder had her second and last bright idea of the day.

Cousin Fred had been putting new shingles on Granny's roof on Sunday but he'd had to quit when he ran out of beer. He promised to come back next Saturday and finish the job and had left his aluminum extendable ladder on the back porch. So, Ryder got that ladder, put it up against the house and clambered up onto the roof.

Now, if Ryder had been really clever, she would have pulled the ladder up behind her. The Wolf couldn't have gotten up on the roof and she could have just sat there waiting until someone came along to help. and, if Ryder hadn't been so scared she might have noticed the wisps of smoke coming out of the chimney. But, at that moment, the only thing she could think of was that she had to get inside the house and there was only one way to do it. So, just as the Wolf came bounding out of the woods, Ryder slid down the chimney...and straight into the big iron kettle of vegetable soup that Granny had left simmering over a low fire for that night's family get-together.

And that's where the Wolf found her. He leapt over the fence with his last bit of strength and came crashing into the back door with enough force to knock it clean off its hinges. And there was Ryder, in the kettle with her butt getting burned by the hot metal and getting scalded by the soup and screaming: "Help! Help! I's getting boiled to death!".

The Wolf, once he realized what was happening, start chuckling between gasps for air. "Sure, girl," he said, "I'll help you." Then, he slammed the lid over Ryder and wedged the ladle through the handle to hold it down and said, "There now. That'll help to keep your juices in."

A couple of hours later, Granny's friends dropped her off in front of her house. As soon as she came in the door she could tell something was wrong. The back door was lying on the kitchen floor. Her kettle was tipped over next to the dinner room table. There was a pile of bones and a pair of boots on the table. And, strangest of all, there was a big old wolf sitting in her easy chair listening to an MP3 player.

When he saw her, the Wolf stood up, took off the headphones and tossed the player onto the chair. Then, rubbing his full swollen belly he sauntered toward the back door.

And as he headed out he said: "Ma'am, you got a nice house, great taste in music and your granddaughter was delicious...But, you put way too much celery in your stew."

The end.

that was good..i really liked it.

Eulalia · Dec 24, 2016

Love it! Just the bed-time story I wanted this Christmas night -
now, peep up the chimney - is that Santa I can hear on the roof -
or is it the wolf?
:eek:

Naraku · Dec 24, 2016

Glad you guys enjoyed it.
I based Ryder - physically, at least - on Christina Ricci in "Black Snake Moan".

Eulalia · Dec 24, 2016

Naraku said:
Glad you guys enjoyed it.
I based Ryder - physically, at least - on Christina Ricci in "Black Snake Moan".
View attachment 446060

Yum - she looks finger-lickin good!

pontiopilato · Sep 17, 2018

Naraku,

Cute story in its own strange way. Do you have the recipe for Ryder soup?

Naraku · Sep 19, 2018

pontiopilato said:
Naraku,

Cute story in its own strange way. Do you have the recipe for Ryder soup?

Just remember to go easy on the celery. :cool:

And thank you for the compliments and for bumping our old stories.

pontiopilato · Sep 19, 2018

Naraku,

As can be seen here I'm something of a latecomer so I'm getting caught up on a lot of stories and other things all around these forums. So much good stuff to be found at Crux Forums! Oh, yes, and I don't like celery anyway so that part of the recipe is no problem.

Naraku

Draconarius

Naraku

Draconarius

Naraku

Draconarius

Naraku

Draconarius

rb1956

Lone Wolf

Eulalia

Poet Laureate

Naraku

Draconarius

Eulalia

Poet Laureate

pontiopilato

Governor

Naraku

Draconarius

pontiopilato

Governor

Little Red-neck Ryder's Hoodie