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Piazza San Marco - A Daydream

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Pia

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I was young when my father took me to San Marco to see a man killed.
On marbl'd balcony we stood with friends and smiled
A heavy glass of sweet Marsala placed in my slender hand
Gazing down on wooden boards scarlet-slicked
And trembling touched and felt myself grow moist

The hall stood gilded dark in guttering candlelight
As we drank deep of heavy scented wine
And fingers met in quadrilles, soft glances, rose-wet lips
Before Cupid's mirror gazed at unlaced breasts
With quill and paper trembling hands began to write

Black veil'd sun shaded fairest brow
And cast dark shadows over deep blue eyes
The lion's mouth stood impassive empty stone
As fingers paused once, twice, then slid
Seal'd parchment towards iron chains and ropes and death
 
pkindenhaag said:
I was young when my father took me to San Marco to see a man killed.
On marbl'd balcony we stood with friends and smiled
A heavy glass of sweet Marsala placed in my slender hand
Gazing down on wooden boards scarlet-slicked
And trembling touched and felt myself grow moist

The hall stood gilded dark in guttering candlelight
As we drank deep of heavy scented wine
And fingers met in quadrilles, soft glances, rose-wet lips
Before Cupid's mirror gazed at unlaced breasts
With quill and paper trembling hands began to write

Black veil'd sun shaded fairest brow
And cast dark shadows over deep blue eyes
The lion's mouth stood impassive empty stone
As fingers paused once, twice, then slid
Seal'd parchment towards iron chains and ropes and death
Click to expand...

Thanks for your likes.... There is an odd story here which truly has been a daydream of mine for many years... I'm not really satisfied with the little poem, especially the clumsy first line, but I'm hoping you got the three scenes and felt for the noble girl who leaves the rich suitors at the ball and by her own hand falsely denounces herself to the Doge and embraces the agonies of the Venetian torturers....
 
pkindenhaag said:
Thanks for your likes.... There is an odd story here which truly has been a daydream of mine for many years... I'm not really satisfied with the little poem, especially the clumsy first line, but I'm hoping you got the three scenes and felt for the noble girl who leaves the rich suitors at the ball and by her own hand falsely denounces herself to the Doge and embraces the agonies of the Venetian torturers....
Click to expand...
In fact I think if I lose "to see a man killed" from the first line it becomes less visceral but much better, if more difficult to decipher ..... What do you think?
 
pkindenhaag said:
In fact I think if I lose "to see a man killed" from the first line it becomes less visceral but much better, if more difficult to decipher ..... What do you think?
Click to expand...
seems better, but you are the authoress writer
 
pkindenhaag said:
In fact I think if I lose "to see a man killed" from the first line it becomes less visceral but much better, if more difficult to decipher ..... What do you think?
Click to expand...

I would hope you would keep it...it is the juxtaposition of that horrible fate versus the party atmosphere captures the moment and then the shock as she choose to condemn herself to the horror is all the more marked and not simply the whimsy of an idle little rich girl.
 
pkindenhaag said:
Ooooh I adore this .... So now there are two virtual ways... I am torn.... Utterly .... But I guessing love mystery and softness with the blood.... Waaah!
Click to expand...
indeed........................waaaaaaaaaah!
 
pkindenhaag said:
In fact I think if I lose "to see a man killed" from the first line it becomes less visceral but much better, if more difficult to decipher ..... What do you think?
Click to expand...
yes, definitely - I felt it told too much in the first line,
without it you lead us into a mystery...
(and it makes for better rhythm)

All the same, I've popped it into the Archive
(your poem thread's now 'The Minoan Girl and other poems by pk' :D)​
 
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also my dear.........................................much more to do:D
 
Eulalia said:
yes, definitely - I felt it told too much in the first line,
without it you lead us into a mystery...
(and it makes for better rhythm)

All the same, I've popped it into the Archive
(your poem thread's now 'The Minoan Gril and other poems by pk' :D)​
Click to expand...
Rip my first line please sweetness!!!!
 
Rip my first line please sweetness!!!!
Click to expand...

Well, I see RR has a different view - others might too
and in the end it must be your own -
give it a little longer? :)​
 
Eulalia said:
:D well I've amended the Archive version - let's leave the original here,
then people can see how we poets struggle! :D​
Click to expand...
:D:rolleyes:
 
I might have struggled to figure out what it is or was in San Marco that might make you moist, PK, the only other clue being the wooden boards, scarlet-slicked.

That said, a good poem is like a sexy dress, it cloaks as much as it reveals, and that is especially true of your wonderful poem, PK! If I have to think a bit, all well and good!

:)

W
 
Wragg134 said:
I might have struggled to figure out what it is or was in San Marco that might make you moist, PK, the only other clue being the wooden boards, scarlet-slicked.

That said, a good poem is like a sexy dress, it cloaks as much as it reveals, and that is especially true of your wonderful poem, PK! If I have to think a bit, all well and good!

:)

W
Click to expand...
You're a babe!
 
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