Now This Just Isn't Funny

[Barbaria1]

In memory yet green, in joy still felt,
The scenes of life rise sharply into view.

The crosses of life, anyway. In any case, that Isaac Asimov dude had a quote to cover just about anything.

Artist's credit for my avatar goes to MermaidHunter, who made it for me back in 2013.

 

[thehangingtree]

This 19 year old parody from The Onion is totally off topic, save for the second to last paragraph.

https://politics.theonion.com/congress-approves-4-billion-for-bread-circuses-1819565262

Aside from making one nostalgic for Bill Clinton, the piece features a striking mental image. Imagine Barbaria at the L.A. Coliseum, with the carnifex crew wearing Rams helmets.

"Citizens, who scoffs at your indulgence? The same patrician snobs who have kept you in your place for years," said White House press secretary Joe Lockhart. "Life is short and desperate, and soon the Grim Reaper will darken your door. That's why it's of capital importance to enjoy yourself while you can. Now, who's up for a free, government-sponsored crucifixion of some convicted murderers?"

Only if they look like Barb, Joe.

We did that once but if the carnifex crew wore Rams helmets the ladies would be safe at the end...

 

[Eulalia]

"Citizens, who scoffs at your indulgence? The same patrician snobs who have kept you in your place for years," said White House press secretary Joe Lockhart. "Life is short and desperate, and soon the Grim Reaper will darken your door. That's why it's of capital importance to enjoy yourself while you can. Now, who's up for a free, government-sponsored crucifixion of some convicted murderers?"

For 'murderers' substitute 'dreamers' (same thing, a/c u kno who )
and 19 years vanish in a tweet!

 

[Apostate]

We did that once but if the carnifex crew wore Rams helmets the ladies would be safe at the end...

Ooo, snap!

 

[Apostate]

For 'murderers' substitute 'dreamers' (same thing, a/c u kno who )
and 19 years vanish in a tweet!

Eulalia, crucifixion of the innocent is an ignoble component of my kink.

But in fantasy not reality, doggone it!

 

[Apostate]

Which is not at all funny.

Try again.

 

[Madiosi]

Unfortunately coming not new Yusseby's. I love his sketches/drawings.

 

[bellesouth]

May I offer this -

 

[bellesouth]

Another thought crosses my mind. As plastic is being banned, does it mean that we'll be seeing less of sights like this?

 

[Wragg]

Another thought crosses my mind. As plastic is being banned, does it mean that we'll be seeing less of sights like this?

Not on Cruxforums, we won't!

 

[Jollyrei]

Another thought crosses my mind. As plastic is being banned, does it mean that we'll be seeing less of sights like this?

I don't understand the question. Those breasts don't seem to be plastic, and it looks like a loose cotton t-shirt or tank. We appear to be safe from environmental concerns.

 

[Naraku]

I don't understand the question. Those breasts don't seem to be plastic, and it looks like a loose cotton t-shirt or tank. We appear to be safe from environmental concerns.

I completely agree. You don't get that kind of movement - or any movement - with the fake ones.
Semi-related:

 

[old slave]

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different rooster,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'What a coincidence!'

 

[Apostate]

A classic Arcimboldo manip, for which I’ve finally tacked down the original caption.

It was a rare event that a Roman slave fled with the obvious intention of being recaptured...

 

[Apostate]

Since the dawn of the World Wide Web it’s been a crapshoot if anything you find there real. These days more than ever it seems.

It turns out this was a prank, but some people's legs cane away in the hoaxsters' hands.

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/anti-masturbation-cross?full=1

 

[old slave]

On the Eve of the Battle of Trafalgar


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this? "

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We be an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free work environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. 'Tis part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it – full speed ahead!"

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there be a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Give me a report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "'Tain't possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. There's no harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He be busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen and they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men be a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "'Tisn't that, sir. 'Tis just that they be afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There be a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish be our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report and an ethnicity, equality re-training course"

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; 'tis the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum be off the menu! And there be a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe 'tis now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case . . . kiss me, Hardy."

 

[Loxuru]

On the Eve of the Battle of Trafalgar

Back in London, Lord Nelson will be summoned to the Admiralty to explain why he went into battle without an environmental plan, without a spill containment procedure, and without appointing an environmental coordinator to supervise and report it all.

 

[old slave]

Back in London, Lord Nelson will be summoned to the Admiralty to explain why he went into battle without an environmental plan, without a spill containment procedure, and without appointing an environmental coordinator to supervise and report it all.

Never mind that his ship was made from unsustainable timber, he polluted the seas with assorted body parts, and failed to erect warning cones around his own spilt blood.

 

[Barbaria1]

On the Eve of the Battle of Trafalgar


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this? "

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We be an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free work environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. 'Tis part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it – full speed ahead!"

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there be a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Give me a report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "'Tain't possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. There's no harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He be busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen and they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men be a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "'Tisn't that, sir. 'Tis just that they be afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There be a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish be our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report and an ethnicity, equality re-training course"

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; 'tis the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum be off the menu! And there be a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe 'tis now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case . . . kiss me, Hardy."

I'll never pass through Trafalgar Square in London again without giggling.

 

[bellesouth]

Working on the principle that the old ones are the best -
An explorer was lost in the desert. His camel had died and he was at his last gasp when he stumbled across a bottle half buried in the sand. Thinking it might contain the water for which he craved, he opened it. Much to his surprise, instead of water out popped a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me, " said the genie. "Because you have been so kind I grant you three wishes. What is your first wish?"
The explorer thought very briefly and conscious of his immediate difficulty said, "I'd like all the food and drink I can possibly wish for."
"So be it," said the genie and immediately the explorer found himself in the middle of a huge banquet with food and drinkof every kind laid out before him.
"And your second wish," asked the genie.
Almost without hesitation the explorer decided to make the most of his good fortune. "I'd like riches beyond compare," he said.
Again the genie smiled and said, "So be it," and there appeared chests filled with gold coins and precious jewels.
"And your final wish, but chose wisely," enquired the genie.
The explorer paused to think. He had food and drink and he riches. What else could he wish for to make his life complete? Eventually he said to the genie, "For my last wish I'd like to be surrounded by beautiful women."
"So be it," said the genie. Briefly the explorer found himself transported into a harem before ..
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he was transformed into a packet of Tampax.
The moral to this story is to be careful what you wish for as there may be strings attached.