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Now This Just Isn't Funny

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For @Naraku

Retire to the South

A Florida citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the blowing through what
little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and
siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
'What am I doing? I’m too old for this!' and pulled over to await the trooper’s
arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette
He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard
before– I’ll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida
State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Warning to @Barbaria1. Arkansas State Troopers never make offers like this.
 
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes,
I hope to be in Louisiana ..."
When asked why, he replied, "I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in
Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
 
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing that they notice about women are their eyes. Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

According to women, pricks come in three sizes: Small, medium and ohmigod. According to men, there are also
three sizes: large, average and size-doesn't-matter.

Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?

Boys will be boys but one day all girls will be women.

Colonel Sanders was a typical man. The only three things he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
 
Wine, Friend or foe?
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The Answer?
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Or as Omar Khayyám observed:

Indeed the Idols I have loved so long
Have done my Credit in Men’s Eye much wrong:
Have drown’d my Honour in a shallow Cup,
And sold my Reputation for a Song.

Indeed, indeed, Repentance oft before
I swore — but was I sober when I swore?
And then, and then came Spring, and Rose-in-hand
My thread-bare Penitence apieces tore.

And much as Wine has play’d the Infidel,
And robb’d me of my Robe of Honor — well,
I often wonder what the Vintners buy
One half so precious as the Goods they sell. :borra2::copas::drink::godsdrink0nw:
 
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.​

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together.It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries the golf bag?
 
How can you tell if a bloke is aroused? He's breathing.

How can you tell the difference between a present your husband buys for the hell of it, and a present he buys because he's feeling guilty? The guilty present is nicer.

How can you tell when a man is well-hung? His face is blue and he's stopped struggling.

How do men exercise on the beach? They suck in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do men sort their dirty clothes? 'Dirty' and 'dirty-but wearable.'

How do you get a man to always leave the toilet seat down? Cut off his penis.

How does a bloke make up his mind? He puts mascara on his balls.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two bottles of Seagrams instead of one.

How many honest, intelligent, caring, sensitive men does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them thinly enough.

How many times ever, in total, is a bachelor's bed made? Once - when it was in the factory.
 
old slave said:
How do men sort their dirty clothes? 'Dirty' and 'dirty-but wearable.'
Click to expand...
Well I woke up Sunday morning
With no way to hold my head, that didn't hurt
And the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad
So I had one more for dessert
Then I fumbled in my closet through my clothes
And found my cleanest dirty shirt
Then I washed my face and combed my hair
And stumbled down the stairs to meet the day Kris Kristofferson - "Sunday Morning Coming Down"
 
Baracus said:
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Hmm

Frank Petrexa said:
No religious aspect to golf? The late archbishop Paul Marcinkus, who presided over the Sindona-Calvi Banco Ambrosiano scandal at the Vatican Bank, loved to play golf. He had a joke (I may have told this before, but it's good). A priest and a nun are on the golf course. The priest misses a shot and swears. The nun upbraids him, warning that God will exact vengeance. A lightning bolt appears out of the blue and kills the nun. A thunderous voice booms out in the heavens: "Christ! Missed again!"
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Posted elsewhere, but an excuse to tell this.
Jesus and St Peter were playing golf, and came to a hole where you could take two shots to go around a lake, or try to hit over it. Jesus decides to go over and lines up, hits the ball but it goes in the water. St Peter advises him to give up but Jesus walks out over the water, retrieves his ball and tries again. Straight back in the water. As he walks out to fetch it again a couple of other golfers passing by stop and watch with astonishment. "who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?" says one to St Peter. "No", replies St Peter, "Tiger Woods!"
(originally heard with Jack Nicklaus rather than Tiger Woods - yes it's an old joke)

Praefectus Praetorio said:
It seems that @Barbaria1 is starting her own HVAC business
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And last time I was with her, I bumped into the same old problem
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But that was better than the culinary choices last time I drove across Arkansas.
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err, and all in the best possible taste!
 
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