I'm going to go a bit off the deep end here, but it's 100% sincere: There are forces inside of us that are primal/animal. There are forces inside of us that are further evolved and spiritual. That's more or less Zoroastrianism,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoroaster
The balance between extremes of good and evil are what make us divine. We are not pawns. We are not "meant" for the greater good or greater evil.
We get to choose! Now, that's a great responsibility. (Especially for a hardened atheist such as myself, who grew up in a strongly Catholic family, and had to reject all their desires in pursuit of my own truth at a young age of about 14.) We have to forge new meaning. I don't agree with nihilism.
Now I grew up in a household with a ton of emotional and physical abuse. As I was hitting puberty, my own emotions of anger, shame, and social awkwardness became overwhelming when I saw images and movies portraying the crucifixion. Somehow there was a link. I knew it was something I didn't want to express to anyone, but I started to notice a terrified sort of arousal when I would see a man on a cross, and soon after that since I didn't swing that way, I began imagining women on crosses. Of course further into puberty, and further getting affiliated with society around me, I found out what I was really into was kink and BDSM.
There's something archetypal about bondage. There's something mystical also about our knowledge of tortures like crucifixion. We know they exist. But they are alien. We seek them out through curiosity, but we would never cross the line of making them real again. There's something powerful in knowing that they were common place. There's something frightening or perhaps just annoying about the lack of honesty regarding such a thing as crucifixion in real life and in how seeing representations of it makes people feel.
Another personal story. Once my dad told me he was terrified when his mother was in the hospital, when she was dying. She was stressed, but he had faith. He said one day he was laying on the floor, and he stretched out his arms and thought of Jesus being crucified. And he basically said he was asking god or whatever that he would give himself up if it would help his mother get better. Now - on the surface that is a very sweet self-sacrificial thing to pray for. But there is a deeper darker evil working in tandem. He was acting out of fear, fear for losing his mother and her support, and letting his ego fade away in favor of her support and control. She died, as happens, and despite his prayers he was left empty because he hadn't worked on building himself up enough. In her absence, he became an abusive alcoholic.
...I guess what I am getting at is this is powerful stuff.
Human society has filled us with all sorts of images, scenarios, and social mores and behaviors. But we have to be careful and honest with ourselves in regards to how we process these things. Society has provided you with the tools for limitless sexual satisfaction, through your kink. It has also bundled all sorts of bullshit with it, such as fear, shame, awkwardness etc. This online crux kink community is a fantastic space to safely explore the kink and process your own thoughts and emotions.
If you truly are a meek and gentle soul, you will do no harm.
If you are actually a deviant monster who crosses the line from harmless kink play and you start hurting others, then that's it. There's your answer. And hopefully you'll get a knock on the door from the FBI. (teasing, just teasing.)
"There is no law beyond 'Do what thou wilt.'
Love is the law, love under will.' - Aliester Crowley
You are probably here because you want to figure things out.
You're probably here because you want to communicate.
You are probably here because you need help. And I hope we are all able to do so.
P.S. don't hate yourself. The violent, and mostly dumb world around you, and for thousands of years has produced an environment at the razor's edge of sanity and insanity for the modern man to traverse. You will do well to belt out your rage at some point at the world. But try to have some fun while you're here. Life is short - this is something an atheist with no belief in the afterlife knows all too well.
In the words of a great rock band from Atlanta, GA - "Living well is the best revenge." - REM