BARB ENDING TWO
In her cell Barb watches proceeding on close circuit TV. She really doesn’t care who wins. If the IMF wins she will be crucified by an Arkansas carpenter on Arkansas pine. If Tree wins he crucifies her on premium French wood. Either way she ends up on a cross.
Since the IMF filed the suit they present their argument first. They explain that since Arkansas is a ‘right to work’ they are under no obligation to use out-of-state labor just to meet union demands. They demand the court grants them permission to use top grade Arkansas Pine instead of the imported Messaline’s Premium French Crucifixion Wood™. The judge looks at Tree and says “You damn well better have a good rebuttal or I am going to allow the IMF’s request. We do not take kindly to carpetbagger contractors coming into our great state using foreign wood when our top grade pine is second to none!”
I lean towards the television to hear what bullshit Tree is going to come up. There is no doubt in my mind some idiot hick is going to be nailing me to crap Arkansas rot not suitable to even make a picnic table!
-Barbara Moore
Tree clears his throat and says “You Honor, both my parents were born and raised in Tontitown in Washington County not far from here. I attended the annual grape festival there many times. My uncle and two aunts, a priest and two nuns served at the abbey west of here on Route 22 just before you get to Paris. I tried to marry my first cousin but she turned me down. I do not feel that I fit the description of a ‘carpetbagger’.”
“Mr. Tree, I was unaware of your background, sir! Please accept my apologies! May I ask why your first cousin wouldn’t marry you” he asks.
“No apologies needed. She didn’t like that I nail naked women to crosses for a living.”
“I see. But that aside what do you have to rebut the IMF’s request?”
“I do indeed. Let me say I have nothing against Arkansas’s fine pine- I used it on the Hill of 100 Cross™ at the end of the Great Slave Rebellion of 2013- as the sole US distributor of Messa’s crux wood I am contractually bound to use it for all crucifixions and can only sell it to members of the International Brotherhood of Master Crucifixion Technicians.”
Tree hands a notarized copy of contract to the bailiff. The judge mulls over it and says “Very well but is this all you have?”
Tree hands more papers to the bailiff and explained “These are abacus briefs from…”
“You mean amicus briefs?”
“Whatever” Tree says “they are from the State Department warning allowing the IMF to use anything but Messa’s crux wood could start a trade war and from the president stating she will withhold all discretionary spending to Arkansas if you rule in favor of the IMF.”
“Let them do it! We here in Arkansas don’t view kindly the federal government since they sent in the 101 Airborne Division to desegregate Little Rock Central High School. We believe in states’ rights” the judge scolds Tree.
“Jeez, your honor, the desegregation thing was 96 years ago (remember it is 2053). As for states’ rights I believe you hold the Arkansas state constitution at least as dear as the US Constitution and you vowed to uphold the laws of this great state.”
“Damn right on both counts” the judge bellows.
“Then may I remind you SB 197, section 6, paragraph 4 which states “By allowing the IMF to operate in this state the IMF agrees that in the rare occasions they deem necessary crucifixion as the method of execution only Messaline’s Premium French Crucifixion Wood™ shall be used for the construction of the cross”. Are you going to ignore the laws of the great state of Arkansas?”
The judge looks at his screen and sees that indeed that is the law (Yes THT has lobbyists). The judge looks over at the IMF’s legal team and says “In order for you to crucify this Barbara Moore you have to use the foreign wood and abide by the terms of the restrictions of the contract as supported by the Uniform Commercial Code.”
“Then we will hang her instead” the lead attorney exclaims.
“I don’t think so” Tree says with a smirk on his face. “You see her sentence says she will be ‘executed by crucifixion’. Since you can’t crucify her you can’t execute her and since you can’t execute her you have to set her free!”
Damn did Tree really save me?
-Barbara Moore
“Your Honor” the Prosecutor Jollyrei says “the transcript of convict Moore’s sentencing hearing was produced by an intern from a blue Yankee state from recordings of the proceedings. I don’t have to tell you them Northerners speak with a funny accent and talk with a funny accent and with sin tax…”
“You mean
syntax.”
“That’s what I said” Jollyrei replies. “So the young intern didn’t understand there should have been a ‘period’ between ‘executed’ and “I recommend by crucifixion’.”
“Objection, your honor, the transcript does not have the words ‘I recommend’ in it at all.”
The judge glares at Tree and says “First of all how do I know this ‘intern’ isn’t some PAWS ‘plant’ and you aren’t in cahoots with her to save Miss Moore’s tight little?”
“Does that seem likely since I am here arguing to crucify her myself” Tree asks.
“Listen, Mr. Tree, being from St. Louis even with your roots you are damn close to being a Yankee yourself!”
“Your honor I grew up in
south St. Louis” Tree explains.
“Yes but your bio says you were raised a Catholic dago. That’s mighty suspicious to me. And as you so noted I uphold the laws of the great state of Arkansas and since hanging
was a legal means of execution I declare the convict Moore be hanged by the neck until dead. And to make this interesting just 30 or so miles west of here is the town of Paris where just over 103 years ago Arkansas held its last public hanging. I think Miss Moore would appreciate being hanged there. Can the IMF supply a hangman?”
Prosecutor Jollyrei says “If it pleases the court since Moore wanted to see a Kathy Summers hanging I suggest we delay Miss Moore’s hanging until a week from Saturday and she can experience Summer’s work up close and personal.”
“That is diabolically artistic” the judge laughs. “Mr. Tree I don’t suppose you have a monopoly on hemp rope, do you?”
“No your honor” he says. He stares at the judge as he knows he just lost another court case.
Damn it! Just when I was getting used to the idea of being crucified I am back to being hanged. I look down at the chain dangling from my collar and think I am so doomed!
-Barb …she really is!!!
Tree