No link, because the New Yorker's behind a paywall, but I pay cash money for my subscription and I can darn well C&P a short humor piece for the CF audience:
What I Imagine Would Happen on a Lesbian Version of “The Bachelorette”
Hayley Tillett
Photograph from Getty
We meet our Bachelorette, Charli (short for Charlotte), the founder and general manager of a zodiac-inclusive produce co-op in Portland, Maine. She’s a single parent of two geriatric cats named Turmeric and Kristen Mew-art, both of whom are featured prominently on her popular Instagram account, which caught the eye of the show’s producers. She recently deleted it, however, upon realizing that her furry children could not consent to their presence on social media. Her priorities in a partnership are mutual respect, effective communication, and a shared love-hate relationship with the works of Betty Friedan. That last one is a deal-breaker.
The first limo pulls up to the mansion. Out steps Andi (short for Andrea), a software engineer for a Bay Area startup dedicated to reimagining cryptocurrency for a post-capitalist metaverse. That kind of Silicon Valley nonsense would normally be a turnoff, but she redeems herself with an eight-minute explanation of how her company is “working within the system” to subvert Big Tech. She receives a rose.
Next out of the limo is Casi (short for Casey), the first openly gay cheerleader for the New York Knicks. She performs a cheer for Charli, in which she rhymes “half-court shot” with “that girl’s hot.” It becomes a viral TikTok, earning her two hundred thousand followers and a brand deal with MeUndies, but she does not receive a rose.
The second limo turns around before arriving at the mansion, when its two occupants catch feelings and decide to explore their connection.
The third limo contains five bartending brunettes named Quinn, whom nobody can tell apart, including themselves. The three Quinns with nature-inspired wrist tattoos receive roses.
The final contestant, King Princess—a struggling singer who insists that they claimed the stage name before the famous one did—pulls up on a two-seater dirt bike that they built with their ex. They make a sexual joke about finding a new rider that’s super cringe, but Charli laughs. Later, in a confessional interview, Charli explains that she “didn’t want to yuck their yum.” They receive a rose.
The contestants go on a group date to BMO Stadium, in Los Angeles, home to Angel City F.C. They are split into teams and play a full ninety-minute match, the winners of which will get to party with Charli that evening. Before kickoff, Angel City’s star forward Christen Press provides a brief rundown of game rules, but it isn’t necessary—every contestant played varsity soccer in high school. Andi scores with an epic hat trick in the second half, sending her team to the after-party. It’s seriously hot. The other contestants vote to make her the new Bachelorette, and Charli joins the pool of contestants vying for Andi’s affection.
The group travels to New York for the annual Sarah Lawrence Poetry Festival. The renowned poet Anne Carson oversees a writing workshop, in which contestants are tasked with crafting free-verse evaluations of their respective relationships with Andi. For their heavy-handed use of metaphor in exploring adolescent trauma, Quinn No. 1, Charli, and Quinn No. 3 all receive roses.
Andi and her finalists take things to the next level in the Fantasy Suite, which is the back seat of a RAV4 Hybrid. Struggling to decide between them, she picks the contestant with the best sex playlist. The winner is Quinn No. 3, for her mix of boygenius (their full-length album), boygenius (their début EP), and boygenius (their latest four-track release). Andi walks Charli and Quinn No. 1 to their limos. They create a group chat on Instagram and maintain a strong correspondence via reels and memes.
Andi proposes to Quinn No. 3 with a ring made of fair-trade crystals. Two days after production ends, they move in together and adopt a rescue ficus. They break off their engagement six months later, citing irreconcilable differences in vibes, but agree to share custody of the ficus, in hopes of shielding it from the Mother Wound.
In response to its overwhelming popularity among queer viewers and widespread demand for a second season, the series was cancelled. ♦
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