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Original Cruxforums Gilbert & Sullivan pastiches

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montycrusto

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(This is Barb’s fault … apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan.. this one was inspired by news that the British Royal Navy has appointed its first female Admiral.)

An Admiral true, an Admiral fine,
Fit to command a Ship-of-the-line,
Fit to command a capable crew,
An Admiral fine, an Admiral true!

Once a winsome working wench,
Who went away to sea,
Crossed several oceans, with many promotions,
A Captain soon was she.
When under sail, she never would fail,
Wherever her ship might be,
With a silver spoon, each afternoon,
To stir her admiral-tea.

An Admiral pure, an Admiral shrewd,
Never a word that’s ribald or rude,
Never in doubt and never unsure,
An Admiral shrewd, an Admiral pure!

An admirable Admiral,
Unique among females,
Exhorting her crew to efforts anew,
With anchors, ropes and sails.
She’s never afeared of happenings weird,
Of storms or howling gales,
The swell of the sea makes her hot with glee,
And her nipples as hard as nails.

An Admiral brave, an Admiral bold,
Of whom many nautical tales will be told,
Pray she avoids a watery grave,
An Admiral bold, an Admiral brave!
 
Barb wasn’t always In The Navy…. She was once a notorious Pirate Queen, as we see in this pile of rubbish, from https://www.cruxforums.com/xf/threads/the-story-of-barb-moore.8027/

For she is a Pirate Queen!
(Hurrah! Hurrah for the Pirate Queen!)
And everyone knows she’s always been
A Noble Pirate Queen!
(Hurrah! Her language is rarely obscene,
She is a Pirate Queen!)

And many a man has tried to get
His hands on her treasures, but as yet,
Her purse is as tight as a duck’s back side,
And she gives her crew a rollicking ride!

For she is a Pirate Queen!
(Hurrah! Hurrah for the Pirate Queen!)
And a lick of the cat has never been
Applied to a Pirate Queen!
(Hurrah, a lick of the cat would mean,
She wasn’t a Pirate Queen!)

And many a ship has fallen prize
To the Pirate Queen, while all their eyes
Were fixed upon her feminine charms,
Till all forgot to take up arms.

For she is a Pirate Queen.. (etc.)

And once when she fought with a bold Corsair,
From the Barbary Coast, she did declare:
“There’s only one Barbary, sir, that’s me!
I’m Barbary Moore, the Queen of the Sea!”

(chorus)

That notable brigand, Long John Tree,
Is hunting her down, because, says he,
She stole two kegs of his Seagrams grog,
And for that she must be hanged like a dog!

(chorus)

But her tight little tub is strong and fast,
From her barnacled hull to her top-most mast,
Her sails tumescent with billowing breeze,
Yes, none shall catch the Queen of the Seas!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
8492A5D7-DF24-4342-AA52-9A36000B1FCC.jpeg
(Picture credit: @thehangingtree )

Three Little Maids.

Three little maids on stools are we,
Noosed as a naked girl can be,
Soon to be hanged by Mister Tree,
Three little maids on stools!

Three little maids who, all unwary,
Might be bound for the mortuary,
Fit for a fate most exemplary,
Three little maids on stools...
Three little maids..
On stools.

(From https://www.cruxforums.com/xf/threads/the-round-up.8086/)
 
montycrusto said:
Barb wasn’t always In The Navy…. She was once a notorious Pirate Queen, as we see in this pile of rubbish, from https://www.cruxforums.com/xf/threads/the-story-of-barb-moore.8027/

For she is a Pirate Queen!
(Hurrah! Hurrah for the Pirate Queen!)
And everyone knows she’s always been
A Noble Pirate Queen!
(Hurrah! Her language is rarely obscene,
She is a Pirate Queen!)

And many a man has tried to get
His hands on her treasures, but as yet,
Her purse is as tight as a duck’s back side,
And she gives her crew a rollicking ride!

For she is a Pirate Queen!
(Hurrah! Hurrah for the Pirate Queen!)
And a lick of the cat has never been
Applied to a Pirate Queen!
(Hurrah, a lick of the cat would mean,
She wasn’t a Pirate Queen!)

And many a ship has fallen prize
To the Pirate Queen, while all their eyes
Were fixed upon her feminine charms,
Till all forgot to take up arms.

For she is a Pirate Queen.. (etc.)

And once when she fought with a bold Corsair,
From the Barbary Coast, she did declare:
“There’s only one Barbary, sir, that’s me!
I’m Barbary Moore, the Queen of the Sea!”

(chorus)

That notable brigand, Long John Tree,
Is hunting her down, because, says he,
She stole two kegs of his Seagrams grog,
And for that she must be hanged like a dog!

(chorus)

But her tight little tub is strong and fast,
From her barnacled hull to her top-most mast,
Her sails tumescent with billowing breeze,
Yes, none shall catch the Queen of the Seas!
Click to expand...

montycrusto said:
View attachment 1118062
(Picture credit: @thehangingtree )

Three Little Maids.

Three little maids on stools are we,
Noosed as a naked girl can be,
Soon to be hanged by Mister Tree,
Three little maids on stools!

Three little maids who, all unwary,
Might be bound for the mortuary,
Fit for a fate most exemplary,
Three little maids on stools...
Three little maids..
On stools.

(From https://www.cruxforums.com/xf/threads/the-round-up.8086/)
Click to expand...
Brillianter than brilliant. These are delightfully clever, Monty. And neatly referenced to CF threads too.
 
montycrusto said:
Her sails tumescent with billowing breeze,
Yes, none shall catch the Queen of the Seas!
Click to expand...
No sooner had I written that, than (inevitably) Barb was captured and imprisoned :doh: . Her incarceration inspired this riff on “A Policeman’s Lot Is Not A Happy One” from Pirates of Penzance:


When he’s got a Lady Pirate in his prison,
(In his prison),
‘‘Tis a story a policeman often tells,
(Often tells),
Then he likes to go before the sun has risen,
(Sun has risen),
And sodomize her senseless in the cells.
(In the cells).

When the bitch is sitting waiting for her hanging,
(For her hanging),
And has nothing much to occupy her mind,
(Pie her mind),
It makes sense to strap her down for a good banging,
(A good banging),
Till the execution order has been signed.

Ohhhh!

With constabulary duties to be done, to be done,
Female captives can provide a lot of fun!
(Lot of fun).

**********

From: https://www.cruxforums.com/xf/threads/the-story-of-barb-moore.8027/
 
On a cross by a river a pretty girl hung
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
I said to her ‘Pretty girl, what have you done,
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow?’
‘Was it murder or arson, O girlie,’ I cried
‘That put you up there on that cross, crucified?’
With a shake of her dear little head she replied
‘Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow.’

She groaned and she howled as she hung on that bough
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
And droplets of life-blood bespangled her brow,
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
She sobbed and she sighed, and a gurgle she gave,
‘I’ll tell you, my error was ever so grave,
‘The wine that I spilt - Wragg never forgave!’
Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
 
Wragg said:
On a cross by a river a pretty girl hung
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
I said to her ‘Pretty girl, what have you done,
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow?’
‘Was it murder or arson, O girlie,’ I cried
‘That put you up there on that cross, crucified?’
With a shake of her dear little head she replied
‘Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow.’

She groaned and she howled as she hung on that bough
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
And droplets of life-blood bespangled her brow,
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
She sobbed and she sighed, and a gurgle she gave,
‘I’ll tell you, my error was ever so grave,
‘The wine that I spilt - Wragg never forgave!’
Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
Click to expand...
I might have guessed @Wragg had something like this up his sleeve! :rolleyes:
 
bobinder said:
THT Stephys Justice Lady BM.jpg
Click to expand...
She’s sitting on a treasure chest and looking quite piratical,

She’s off-the-shoulder blousy and extremely tricorn-hatical,

She says she doesn’t swallow and she’s really quite emphatical,

And good at crashing forums though she’s lately on sabbatical,

When issuing demerits she is known to be fanatical,

She calculates how many by some method mathematical,

In short she’s more a puzzle than a bloody araucaria,

She is the very model of our maddening Barbaria.
 
bobinder said:
It's a variation on a theme. :D

Click to expand...

Wragg said:
On a cross by a river a pretty girl hung
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
I said to her ‘Pretty girl, what have you done,
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow?’
‘Was it murder or arson, O girlie,’ I cried
‘That put you up there on that cross, crucified?’
With a shake of her dear little head she replied
‘Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow.’

She groaned and she howled as she hung on that bough
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
And droplets of life-blood bespangled her brow,
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
She sobbed and she sighed, and a gurgle she gave,
‘I’ll tell you, my error was ever so grave,
‘The wine that I spilt - Wragg never forgave!’
Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
Click to expand...

montycrusto said:
She’s sitting on a treasure chest and looking quite piratical,

She’s off-the-shoulder blousy and extremely tricorn-hatical,

She says she doesn’t swallow and she’s really quite emphatical,

And good at crashing forums though she’s lately on sabbatical,

When issuing demerits she is known to be fanatical,

She calculates how many by some method mathematical,

In short she’s more a puzzle than a bloody araucaria,

She is the very model of our maddening Barbaria.
Click to expand...
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
 
montycrusto said:
She’s sitting on a treasure chest and looking quite piratical,

She’s off-the-shoulder blousy and extremely tricorn-hatical,

She says she doesn’t swallow and she’s really quite emphatical,

And good at crashing forums though she’s lately on sabbatical,

When issuing demerits she is known to be fanatical,

She calculates how many by some method mathematical,

In short she’s more a puzzle than a bloody araucaria,

She is the very model of our maddening Barbaria.
Click to expand...
That is fantastic, Monty! :clapping::clapping:
 
Wragg said:
That is fantastic, Monty! :clapping::clapping:
Click to expand...
Thanks, your Mikado titwillow one was excellent.

Another “The Very Model of a Modern Major-General“ pastiche now, from @Barbaria1 ’s story “Barb Goes Bats”, in which she (rather unwisely) cast me in the rôle of Magistrate…
~~~~~~~~~~

When Barb is brought for torture and subjected to indignities,

She’s stripped and strapped and suffering my various malignities,

I’ve got her stretched upon a rack extracting her confession, all

While prodding her tight little like a consummate professional…

I stretch the witch and ask her if she’s some satanic sorceress,

she swears at me in terms that would embarrass Geoffrey Chaucer, yes,

Hot irons are applied to her most sensitive of lady bits,

While caning her bare feet and not forgetting her tumescent tits…

I sit her on a wooden horse which bites into her labia,

It’s worse than all the sufferings of slave girls in Arabia,

In short, I know a thing or two of torture which I’ll demonstrate;

I am the very model of a mad medieval magistrate!

~~~~~~~~
From: https://www.cruxforums.com/xf/threads/barb-goes-bats.8930/
 
Based on “Ruler of the Queen’s Navy” from HMS Pinafore.
~~~~~~~~~~

Many years ago, Barb served a term,
As a Blue State Governor’s young intern,
She wore high heels and a very short skirt,
And indulged the Governor who liked to flirt,
She looked so cute sitting on his knee,
That now she is an Admiral as you can see.

As office junior she gained in rank,
For which she had her little ass to thank,
She shuffled papers and she answered the phone,
Till the Governor got an almighty bone.
“I think it’s time you were spanked!” said he,
As he threw the hapless Barbara across his knee.

He pulled up her skirt, yanked her kinis down,
And with a firm hand he went to town,
Poor Barb’s tight little it was burning red,
By the time the Governor stopped and said:
“Let that be a lesson, if you want to be
Promoted to high office then you’ll stick with me!”

Young Barb said meekly that she understood,
She’d get a hard spanking when her boss got wood.
Over many mahogany desks she bent,
Till her boss’s energy was truly spent,
She grew to enjoy these spanking sprees,
And now she is an Admiral and rules the seas!

When her boss was elected President,
Barb found herself to the White House sent.
She was daily frisked by the FBI,
To ensure she wasn’t a Russian spy.
They asked her why her bottom was red,
“It’s the glow of fervent patriotic zeal,” she said.

In the White House basement is a room equipped
As a dungeon where Barb was bound and whipped,
She endured these interludes like a pro,
And her patriotic ass bright red did glow.
She took her punishment with such ease,
That now she is an Admiral and rules the seas!

As under the President’s desk she knelt,
Undoing with her teeth his leather belt,
Her hands behind her back were bound,
So it wasn’t very easy but she quickly found,
His flies popped open and his cock came free,
And she sucked her way to glory with the C-in-C.

Now here’s the moral that we may discern,
If you start off a lowly but hot intern,
You can rise up quickly in politics,
If you don’t mind getting spanked and sucking dicks,
So swallow your pride and sink to your knees,
And you all may be Admirals and rule the seas!
 
Wragg said:
On a cross by a river a pretty girl hung
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
I said to her ‘Pretty girl, what have you done,
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow?’
‘Was it murder or arson, O girlie,’ I cried
‘That put you up there on that cross, crucified?’
With a shake of her dear little head she replied
‘Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow.’

She groaned and she howled as she hung on that bough
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
And droplets of life-blood bespangled her brow,
Singing ‘willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
She sobbed and she sighed, and a gurgle she gave,
‘I’ll tell you, my error was ever so grave,
‘The wine that I spilt - Wragg never forgave!’
Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow.’
Click to expand...
crux 395 a.jpgcrux 396.jpg
Just illustrating the poem...
 
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