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Crucifixion And You: How Did The Idea Start?

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As I was being escorted out of the courtroom, two other guards were escorting a young boy about 18 years of age into the courtroom. He also was wearing nothing but a tiny loincloth and as our eyes met he smiled nervously as we passed each other.

The two guards lead me back out into the front of the building where a large crowd has gathered and hand me over to another male and female guard. However, these two are dressed quite differently from the first two. They are both attired in brown leather, short, sleeveless tunics. The female is quite muscular and attractive with a nice figure and ample bosom. The male is not so attractive but is quite muscular.

The female takes me by the arm and leads me to the top of the stairs and has me face the large crowd that is assembled on the road below. As I stand humiliated looking out at the crowd, the female guard reaches down and strips me of my loincloth and lets it fall to the ground. I am now completely bare looking out on a crowd of men and woman who appear to be delighted at my nudity and fate.

The female guard faces the crowd and states… “this prisoner has been charged with treason and sedition and the magistrate has ordered us to obtain a confession”. Simultaneously, the male guard approaches and takes my wrist and secures it with a thick leather restraint and when he finishes, he does the same with the other. The female guard then secures my ankles with the same type of leather restraints and when she is finished, I am escorted to the whipping frame where they once again turn me to face the crowd and secure my arms to chains on the top of the frame. My legs are spread apart, and my feet are secured to bolts attached to the wooden floor.

I am now fully displayed for the crowd below and I feel a tightness in my throat and have never felt humiliation like this before in my life. Just when I think the humiliation can't get any worse, the female guard now starts to turn a wheel located on the side of the frame which pulls the chains I’m attached to towards the top of the frame stretching my body taught. She continues to turn the wheel until I'm barely able to stand on my tip toes.

The two guards approach and both remove bullwhips that were attached to their belts. The male guard steps closer and states… “you will confess your crimes girl" …to which I immediately reply… “but I have done nothing wrong” … but before I could finish my sentence, I hear the crack of the whip and feel the sting of the lash on my naked flesh. I shriek from the pain as I feel the pain from the second whip as it too makes contact with my body.

The two guards are now positioned on both sides of me whipping me simultaneously, continuously and mercilessly. As the whip of one guard strikes me, the second guards whip strikes me immediately after and the pain is excruciating. My screams are now uncontrollable, and I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. As the whips continue to fall, my body barely moves because I'm stretched so tight in the frame. The pain is the worse pain that I have ever felt in my life and after several minutes, I can’t take it anymore. I scream out "mercy!!!...Please, Mercy!!!”. The whips fall several more times and I continue to scream… “Mercy… Please…I confess”

The guards stop the flogging and the male guard steps forward and pulls my head back by my hair and smiles and states… “Do you confess your crime of treason and sedition?” To which, I quickly respond... “yes…I’m guilty…Please no more”. I am now whimpering and trying to catch my breath, my body is covered in sweat and welts from the whip. I can feel the sweat dripping down my breasts and my body is quivering with pain.

I look down at the crowd who is now screaming…” she has confessed…crucify her…crucify her”…“put her to the cross”

The female guard steps to the frame and turns the wheel which lowers my body back onto the platform. I feel relief in my arms as my feet make full contact with the wood platform. My legs are shaking and I’m having difficulty supporting my own weight.
The guards step forward and remove the restraints and the male reaches down on the floor and picks up my loincloth and hands it to me and barks “cover yourself…You will see the magistrate again.”

They hand me back over to the two guards who originally brought me into the court who now take me by the arms and walk me back into the courtroom. I try my best to secure the loincloth around my waist to cover myself as they escort me back in.

As we get closer, I can see the back of the boy in the loincloth that I saw earlier. He is standing in front of the magistrate and I only hear the Magistrate state out loud… “crucify him” … to the delight of the courtroom. At this point the two guards take him by the arms and escort him towards the whipping frame and once again we make eye contact as we pass, however this time there was no smile from either of us.

I am once again brought before the judge and now I’m forced to my knees. I’m still trembling and trying to compose myself wiping the tears from my face. The judge rises from the chair and orders the guards to bring me to his chambers. The two guards pull me up by my arms and we follow the judge through the door and into his chambers.

As soon as the door closes, the magistrate states to the guards… “This is not my courtroom, why is this prisoner still covered in my chambers?” …at which point, one of the guards reaches forward and pulls the loincloth from my waist once again stripping me naked.

The Magistrate approaches me and looks me up and down, he is clearly ogling me. He begins to circle me and I feel his hand grope my inner thigh. I wince as he touches me, and he laughs and clears his throat and states… “looking at your body and judging by the screams that I heard in my courtroom, I can tell that my lictors have done a good job flogging you to obtain a confession.” He continues to circle me exploring my naked body with his hands.

“Girl you will be crucified with that boy out there for your crimes against the people of our empire. …We will go back out into the courtroom and I will pass sentence on you. Once I do, you will be brought back to the lictors and flogged again. By law, you will receive 39 lashes prior to your crucifixion.” I immediately pleaded… “please sir, you’ve already had me flogged…I have confessed. Please… show me mercy.” The judge responded... “Silence!!!...you’re flogging was to obtain a confession because of your stubbornness to tell the truth about your crimes. You will be flogged again and crucified! It is our law. However, as the magistrate, the number of lashes can be reduced at my discretion.” I once again pleaded with him, “please sir…I beg of you, I will do anything. I can’t take anymore”

As the words came out of my mouth the judge grinned and said… “you are learning.” He immediately started to remove his toga and casually hung it up and motioned for me to come closer to him. I looked over at the guards who did not appear to be phased at all by what was transpiring.… “don’t worry about them." he stated... "Get over here.” As I got closer he grabbed me and pulled me closer and stuck his tongue deep in my mouth. I was taken by surprise and did not kiss him back which clearly angered him. At this point, he pushed me back away from him and stated, “don’t you understand girl, that if I’m not happy with you, you will receive the full 39 lashes and your procession to the crucifixion site will be quite entertaining…not for you of course.”
 
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The two guards approach and both remove bullwhips that were attached to their belts. The male guard steps closer and states… “you will confess your crimes girl" …to which I immediately reply… “but I have done nothing wrong” … but before I could finish my sentence, I hear the crack of the whip and feel the sting of the lash on my naked flesh. I shriek from the pain as I feel the pain from the second whip as it too makes contact with my body.

The two guards are now positioned on both sides of me whipping me simultaneously, continuously and mercilessly. As the whip of one guard strikes me, the second guards whip strikes me immediately after and the pain is excruciating. My screams are now uncontrollable, and I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. As the whips continue to fall, my body barely moves because I'm stretched so tight in the frame. The pain is the worse pain that I have ever felt in my life and after several minutes, I can’t take it anymore. I scream out "mercy!!!...Please, Mercy!!!”. The whips fall several more times and I continue to scream… “Mercy… Please…I confess”

The guards stop the flogging and the male guard steps forward and pulls my head back by my hair and smiles and states… “Do you confess your crime of treason and sedition?” To which, I quickly respond... “yes…I’m guilty…Please no more”. I am now whimpering and trying to catch my breath, my body is covered in sweat and welts from the whip. I can feel the sweat dripping down my breasts and my body is quivering with pain.

I look down at the crowd who is now screaming…” she has confessed…crucify her…crucify her”…“put her to the cross”

The female guard steps to the frame and turns the wheel which lowers my body back onto the platform. I feel relief in my arms as my feet make full contact with the wood platform. My legs are shaking and I’m having difficulty supporting my own weight.
The guards step forward and remove the restraints and the male reaches down on the floor and picks up my loincloth and hands it to me and barks “cover yourself…You will see the magistrate again.”

They hand me back over to the two guards who originally brought me into the court who now take me by the arms and walk me back into the courtroom. I try my best to secure the loincloth around my waist to cover myself as they escort me back in.

As we get closer, I can see the back of the boy in the loincloth that I saw earlier. He is standing in front of the magistrate and I only hear the Magistrate state out loud… “crucify him” … to the delight of the courtroom. At this point the two guards take him by the arms and escort him towards the whipping frame and once again we make eye contact as we pass, however this time there was no smile from either of us.

I am once again brought before the judge and now I’m forced to my knees. I’m still trembling and trying to compose myself wiping the tears from my face. The judge rises from the chair and orders the guards to bring me to his chambers. The two guards pull me up by my arms and we follow the judge through the door and into his chambers.

As soon as the door closes, the magistrate states to the guards… “This is not my courtroom, why is this prisoner still covered in my chambers?” …at which point, one of the guards reaches forward and pulls the loincloth from my waist once again stripping me naked.

The Magistrate approaches me and looks me up and down, he is clearly ogling me. He begins to circle me and I feel his hand grope my inner thigh. I wince as he touches me, and he laughs and clears his throat and states… “looking at your body and judging by the screams that I heard in my courtroom, I can tell that my lictors have done a good job flogging you to obtain a confession.” He continues to circle me exploring my naked body with his hands.

“Girl you will be crucified with that boy out there for your crimes against the people of our empire. …We will go back out into the courtroom and I will pass sentence on you. Once I do, you will be brought back to the lictors and flogged again. By law, you will receive 39 lashes prior to your crucifixion.” I immediately pleaded… “please sir, you’ve already had me flogged…I have confessed. Please… show me mercy.” The judge responded... “Silence!!!...you’re flogging was to obtain a confession because of your stubbornness to tell the truth about your crimes. You will be flogged again and crucified! It is our law. However, as the magistrate, the number of lashes can be reduced at my discretion.” I once again pleaded with him, “please sir…I beg of you, I will do anything. I can’t take anymore”

As the words came out of my mouth the judge grinned and said… “you are learning.” He immediately started to remove his toga and casually hung it up and motioned for me to come closer to him. I looked over at the guards who did not appear to be phased at all by what was transpiring.… “don’t worry about them." he stated... "Get over here.” As I got closer he grabbed me and pulled me closer and stuck his tongue deep in my mouth. I was taken by surprise and did not kiss him back which clearly angered him. At this point, he pushed me back away from him and stated, “don’t you understand girl, that if I’m not happy with you, you will receive the full 39 lashes and your procession to the crucifixion site will be quite entertaining…not for you of course.”

The magistrate walks over to a chair and sits down and leans back and says… “now, come over here and get on your knees and pleasure me.”

At first, I was shocked at the request and wanted to fight and resist this old man, but the flogging I had received earlier was brutal. I was almost ashamed at how quickly they had broken me and got me to confess. I knew I would be crucified, but the thought of 69 more lashes prior to the crucifixion terrified me. I knew that this old man could make it much worse if I chose not to submit. I also realized that he could have the guards hold me down and take me by force.
 
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The magistrate walks over to a chair and sits down and leans back and says… “now, come over here and get on your knees and pleasure me.”

At first, I was shocked at the request and wanted to fight and resist this old man, but the flogging I had received earlier was brutal. I was almost ashamed at how quickly they had broken me and got me to confess. I knew I would be crucified, but the thought of 69 more lashes prior to the crucifixion terrified me. I knew that this old man could make it much worse if I chose not to submit. I also realized that he could have the guards hold me down and take me by force.
tree court 001 a.jpg
Tree would never force you to do that... His slave Barbara just might insist however...
 
The magistrate walks over to a chair and sits down and leans back and says… “now, come over here and get on your knees and pleasure me.”

At first, I was shocked at the request and wanted to fight and resist this old man, but the flogging I had received earlier was brutal. I was almost ashamed at how quickly they had broken me and got me to confess. I knew I would be crucified, but the thought of 69 more lashes prior to the crucifixion terrified me. I knew that this old man could make it much worse if I chose not to submit. I also realized that he could have the guards hold me down and take me by force.

You provided a great insight to her mind with this moment. Keep up the great work :)
 
You provided a great insight to her mind with this moment. Keep up the great work :)

I stood naked before the magistrate and looked over at the guards and then back at the magistrate. I could tell by the look in his eyes he was growing impatient and I came to the realization that he was going to have his way with me no matter what I did. The look in his eyes convinced me that if I didn’t do as I was told, I was going to be taken by force.
 
I stood naked before the magistrate and looked over at the guards and then back at the magistrate. I could tell by the look in his eyes he was growing impatient and I came to the realization that he was going to have his way with me no matter what I did. The look in his eyes convinced me that if I didn’t do as I was told, I was going to be taken by force.
Power corrupts and the magistrate is very powerful... Worse his wife looks on wanting to see me humiliated sucking her husband's cock knowing I will feel the wrath of the cross either way...
c 0002.jpg
 
Power corrupts and the magistrate is very powerful... Worse his wife looks on wanting to see me humiliated sucking her husband's cock knowing I will feel the wrath of the cross either way...
View attachment 618497

oh Tree...who's fantasy is this anyway??? Although, you have me intrigued!

A Crucifixion cult in modern times and a humiliated prisoner "me" standing naked in front of the magistrate being ordered to suck his cock and his fully dressed wife appears and would like to watch. Hmmm....I like it!
 
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oh Tree...who's fantasy is this anyway??? Although, you have me intrigued!

A Crucifixion cult in modern times and a humiliated prisoner "me" standing naked in front of the magistrate being ordered to suck his cock and his fully dressed wife appears and would like to watch. Hmmm....I like it!

I looked down at my welt covered body which was a stark reminder of what I would face again in a very short time as a prelude to my crucifixion. It didn’t take long for me to decide that submission was my best option.

I reluctantly walked towards the magistrate and got on my knees in front of him looking up into his eyes with contempt and took his soft cock into my hand and gently started to caress it. The magistrate was clearly displeased and barked “take caution with the way you look at me girl and pleasure me with your mouth or I will turn you over to the guards and let them treat you like the treasonous slut you are”.

Although the feeling of embarrassment and humiliation was overwhelming, I felt a strange sense of excitement on my knees in front of this older good-looking man being forced to orally pleasure him. I quickly apologized “I’m sorry Magistrate” and immediately licked his shaft gently looking up into his eyes, faking lust, taking the head of his cock into my mouth and gently sliding my lips around it teasing him with my tongue.

His flaccid cock started to become engorged in my hand and I knew that my performance would have to be the best of my life if I wanted to spare myself the agony of the mandated 39 lashes.

As I licked and flicked my tongue on the head of his cock, I felt his cock growing larger in my mouth and took the opportunity to take his cock deep into my throat until gagged.

Looking up at him into his eyes with my pretend lust, I giggled and stated, “your cock is magnificent Magistrate!” To which I heard the laughter of a woman coming from behind me and a female voice speaking through the laughter…“magnificent! … Oh, my husband you’re breaking another slut who will be put to the cross and she will do and say anything for your mercy...How sweet she is!!!" …
 
the „real thing“, hanging from the height of a wooden cross only fixed by wrists and ankles, still is a dream. If permanent damage could be definitely ruled out, nails would be fine...

Dear barbudo
welcome at the "Special Club" :) If permanent damage could be definitely ruled out, nails would be fine… That is exactly the thing I think too! I really would like to expirience it! But I NEVER EVER want the cruel damages! In some of my storys playin in far future I use a "autodoc-unit". It Looks like the hibernation-machines in science fiction films at the spaceships. When someone is hurt: just put the person in this machine and close the thing. After some hours the body ist healed completely! If this would be possible I would really like to expirience a crucifixion with nails.
Is not possible … so it will stay a dream ...
 
Dear barbudo
welcome at the "Special Club" :) If permanent damage could be definitely ruled out, nails would be fine… That is exactly the thing I think too! I really would like to expirience it! But I NEVER EVER want the cruel damages! In some of my storys playin in far future I use a "autodoc-unit". It Looks like the hibernation-machines in science fiction films at the spaceships. When someone is hurt: just put the person in this machine and close the thing. After some hours the body ist healed completely! If this would be possible I would really like to expirience a crucifixion with nails.
Is not possible … so it will stay a dream ...
Crucified to a stake and awaiting nailing... a good executioner will have you physically and sexualy exhausted just teasing you with the nails and the mallet.

Something authentic and the extra spectical of being nailed while already suspended in full view on the stake.
 
If this would be possible I would really like to expirience a crucifixion with nails.

I think that it is a fantasy shared by many cruxgirls here but have you thought about the horrible pain coming from such a crucifixion ?!!!
I dont know if you practice some form of crucifixion in reality (of course roped ) but , believe me, it's already a pain and I never could accept to exceed more than 1/2 hour and , believe me, it's widely suffiscient to reach this so much wonderful state that I can call the "ecstasy" ; after , it's only sufferings and so, what's the point ?
Even with any reconstruction'machine , I think that never I'll try a nailing crucifixion : that is staying only a fantasy / dream !
 
I think that it is a fantasy shared by many cruxgirls here but have you thought about the horrible pain coming from such a crucifixion ?!!!
I dont know if you practice some form of crucifixion in reality (of course roped ) but , believe me, it's already a pain and I never could accept to exceed more than 1/2 hour and , believe me, it's widely suffiscient to reach this so much wonderful state that I can call the "ecstasy" ; after , it's only sufferings and so, what's the point ?
Even with any reconstruction'machine , I think that never I'll try a nailing crucifixion : that is staying only a fantasy / dream !
I would go further and say that the cross, as usually depicted, becomes unbearable all too quickly in all but the most sympathetic of poses i.e. those that allow the soles of the feet to press on a foot rest.

As soon as you go a bit more 'authentic' (?) i.e ankles tied to the sides or knees bent with soles pressing against the upright, then thing become unbearable very quickly! and I say that as someone in better than average shape.

In this scenario there are only two choices.

1) to hang limp in a maner that tortures the arms, shoulders and the muscles of the sides back and chest, plus terrible cramps in the now relaxed legs

2) try to take the weight which involes a 'whole body' effort where soon every muscle is quivering and screaming for relief, as done properly you are locked in a knees bent stress position.

The more authentic stake, arms above heaed, is more 'bearable' for the duration of a decent session,(esspecialy for the ladies) still only 15mins or so when locked in a stress position.

My GF requires a sedile to rest on. Do not think this makes it easy! it just makes it longer. there is no rest when properly crucifed!

Just working your body to death at different pace.

When crucified properly, nails become a terrifying addition / anticipation.

The mere sight of them being readied or better still used to tease the victim is more than enough.

Kocking them in (missing the flesh) is great. The sound. the vibration

In brief. Not necessary at all, and need a reality check if considering! (though we all know where you are coming from!)
 
My life so far
Reading so far this thread i decided to open completely myself for first time. Actually it was Eulalia's confesion that gave me some flashes from my childhood that i had totally forgotten.

My first memories start when i was 5 or 6, i remember to be in my grandma's house watching a movie (i cannot recal the name) which at the end the actress buried alive, there were many movies since then that the actresses had a really "bad" end. I was probably aroused but i didnt know at this age what this means.

Later, when i was 8 or 9 my mother used to visit a friend. She had a daughter, really beautiful. I remember every time we visited them (almost everyday) for about 2years, me, my younger brother and the girl we played a game, she was a slave or a dog, she used to be kneeled and we chased her, she was 3-4 years older but she liked this game very much. For me this game was really thrilling. Sudenly our mothers had a fight, so those visits stoped and the same the game that i liked so much, i have seen this girl 2-3 times the last 15years. Now that i have been old enough to know that this game for me was an "erotic" game without to know, i tend to believe that this girl is into bdsm maybe into crux as well, unfortunatelly i will never learn (except if she is reading this now haha).

I continued my life, i found out that i was very aroused by women' in peril, dispair, agony, anxiety, so at the age of 10 or 11 i started having fantasies with women in situations like firing squad, hanging, whipping many others. I have some memories that i had made a try to discover if that was "normal", i tried with my brother and some friends without to reveal my "secret" ofcourse. I was dissapointed when i found out that i was the only one having this fantasies, still the word "fetish" was unknow for me. Furthermore the internet acces wasnt so easy as it is now.

So i continued my life having this "weird" fantasies which i couldnt still explain. When my friends were in age and they started looking for girls somehow i was "isolated", because that was something not so interesting for me, back then i had an other view for the women, i started spending many hours in computer games, it made me look like a little "nerd" something i know that i am not. So i can say that i waste a big part of my teenhood.

I was in highschool when a history teacher described us the execution method that was commonly used by the ottomans "rape and impalement". That was and that became the peak of my fantasies. In that age i was completely aware that i was fascinated by that stuf, more specific as i said above i am aroused with the feelings of the victim agony/stress/fear/anxiety not from the death. But as worst is the death that she is going to experience these feelings reach in very high levels, so it becomes more erotic. Since then impalement is my "top" fantasy because in my mind its the most gruesome and painful execution method, i know that you "crux lovers" disagree but i will not explain in this thread why i believe it.

The years past, I was 18 and i went to live alone for first time. I met new people and i made new friends. At the begining it was difficult, because of the absense of experiences (i had lost 3-4 years from my teenhood), fortunately i am a quick learner and this didnt destroy the rest of my life. At the begining i focused on myself, both mentaly, spiritually and take care of my body.

Thus i tried to collect as much experiences as i could. I had sex for first time at 19 ( i know i was too late haha). Since then i had a relationship with a girl but it wasnt something "unique", at least not for me and that was the reason that i ended it. Finally the internet acces had become very easy for everyone, so i started looking on the web for this fantasies, then i discovered the CF, for sure that was a thrilling discovery for me, finally i learned that there are many people like me out there. I cannot recall many details and what was the first thread i watched, though i know that i was suspicious and the first years i didnt post or comunicate with anybody.

One day it happened. I fall in love. I asked her for a date and everything went according to the plan. Having sex with that girl was as intense as the fantasies i had, at least for the first months, but i couldnt remove from my mind the thought what would happen if i confessed to her what turns me on, what if she likes or if she decides to give a try, i couldnt supress my needs for ever. Eventually we came very close, she had opened to me completely, so it was my turn to make the big step. Well i didnt say everything in details, i said a tiny part of my fantasies and she was freaked out (she was very religious and into her mind that was something completely forbiten), i think that day i destroyed the fairytale that she had built around me. That was the begining of the end for this relationship. She insisted to speak with a psychologue, i did this too but only one meeting, i didnt speak out all the details in the "therapy" but as he told me it wasnt necassery because this fantasies arent so extraordinary. Anyway after 2 years we decided to end this relationship, i dont regret that i told her almost all the truth, at the end she had the right to know.

The last 2 years i havent tried to involve into an other relationship. I dont want to look like an arrogant but i know that i am attractive for many girls, maybe my appearence, maybe my behaviour, maybe something else that "you" girls notice to a man, so i prefer to live alone and have fun occasionally only with girls that i find extremly attractive. Recently i had an experience with a girl from an other bdsm site. That was really intense, we did an impalement roleplay, well i was imagined it as impalement execution and she like a bdsm session. It was very intense but still not the max.

Anyway, i think i went too far, at the end everyone has to be able to live with the choises he has made, and i can say for me that i am happy with my life, i dont look at the past and i dont regret for anything.
 
Thanks gjpain. You inspired me. I've told this story to some in private but never in public forum,

Third Grade, turned 9 in January, All boys school k-12
Female teachers k-3 Males above (Yes, I know very sexist! – but 1957)
In the spring, it must have been Lent and the teacher might have been Catholic – don’t have any idea.

One day came to class and a color poster of a painting of the Crucifixion (about 2’ by 2”) is on the corkboard. Which happens to be about three feet to the right of my desk and about four feet ahead. In other words, all day every weekday for six weeks, I couldn’t avoid looking at that scene no matter how much I tried.

I can’t really remember the painting visually in detail. I tried so hard not to look at it, I think I created a block. I know is was fairly detailed and fairly graphic and Jesus (whom I knew up to that time mostly as the nice, long-haired Aryan guy, robed, in Sunday school paintings) was suffering and almost naked -loincloth

Now I was a very shy, timid boy, big for my age but afraid of getting hurt. I had a speech impediment as a young child 3-6 years of age, and it had caused me to become somewhat isolated and living in my imagination (you see it in the writer today). Like most 9-year-olds, I think, I had little or no conscious thought about sex. Boys and girls were different because they dressed different and wore hair different. I knew no girls my age.

The crucifixion scene had a number of traumatic issues for me. Jesus naked stirred up feeling I couldn’t identify then, but were certainly homo-erotic. Not a good thing for a 9-yo with the usual or more than usual uncertainty about his sexual identity. I became frightened of male nudity after that for a long time. It didn’t indicate that I was gay, and in fact I never was. But I worried a lot after that and was always defensive about going to all male schools and colleges in case others thought I was gay.

Now the other clear issue was the graphic torture. The poster drew my attention like the proverbial car wreck. With unresolved and shameful feeling about the naked Jesus, the torture of the scene for a timid boy was very scary and very exciting. This is what started my daydreams and fantasies of BDSM. At first it was me as the victim, a soft helpless little boy, kidnapped and tortured.

When I hit puberty, I transferred the victim status to females. The imagined vision of a woman or girl in the throes pain was very like in the throes of sexual climax to my naïve adolescent mind. I began to be aroused by female pain side.

Many men fantasize rape and torture. For some it is the core way and they may act out in evil ways. For others, like me, it is purely imaginary and I am gentle and shy around women and tend to love them too much.

I 'm a sick, gentle puppy:dog:
 
Thanks gjpain. You inspired me. I've told this story to some in private but never in public forum,

Third Grade, turned 9 in January, All boys school k-12
Female teachers k-3 Males above (Yes, I know very sexist! – but 1957)
In the spring, it must have been Lent and the teacher might have been Catholic – don’t have any idea.

One day came to class and a color poster of a painting of the Crucifixion (about 2’ by 2”) is on the corkboard. Which happens to be about three feet to the right of my desk and about four feet ahead. In other words, all day every weekday for six weeks, I couldn’t avoid looking at that scene no matter how much I tried.

I can’t really remember the painting visually in detail. I tried so hard not to look at it, I think I created a block. I know is was fairly detailed and fairly graphic and Jesus (whom I knew up to that time mostly as the nice, long-haired Aryan guy, robed, in Sunday school paintings) was suffering and almost naked -loincloth

Now I was a very shy, timid boy, big for my age but afraid of getting hurt. I had a speech impediment as a young child 3-6 years of age, and it had caused me to become somewhat isolated and living in my imagination (you see it in the writer today). Like most 9-year-olds, I think, I had little or no conscious thought about sex. Boys and girls were different because they dressed different and wore hair different. I knew no girls my age.

The crucifixion scene had a number of traumatic issues for me. Jesus naked stirred up feeling I couldn’t identify then, but were certainly homo-erotic. Not a good thing for a 9-yo with the usual or more than usual uncertainty about his sexual identity. I became frightened of male nudity after that for a long time. It didn’t indicate that I was gay, and in fact I never was. But I worried a lot after that and was always defensive about going to all male schools and colleges in case others thought I was gay.

Now the other clear issue was the graphic torture. The poster drew my attention like the proverbial car wreck. With unresolved and shameful feeling about the naked Jesus, the torture of the scene for a timid boy was very scary and very exciting. This is what started my daydreams and fantasies of BDSM. At first it was me as the victim, a soft helpless little boy, kidnapped and tortured.

When I hit puberty, I transferred the victim status to females. The imagined vision of a woman or girl in the throes pain was very like in the throes of sexual climax to my naïve adolescent mind. I began to be aroused by female pain side.

Many men fantasize rape and torture. For some it is the core way and they may act out in evil ways. For others, like me, it is purely imaginary and I am gentle and shy around women and tend to love them too much.

I 'm a sick, gentle puppy:dog:
Your final paragraph is so true. There are many men out there who would do us all harm if they knew our fantasies. But that's what they are: fantasies. Those same men talk openly about harming, degrading and suppressing women. Even sexual assault and rape. Yet somehow we, who behave with humility and respect in real life, are the 'sick' or bad guys. Same for the ladies here in a slightly different way.
 
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