Believ is all, Messa!Oh yes ! "Le bois de rose" ! But alas, "made in China" !!!
-
Sign up or login, and you'll have full access to opportunities of forum.
Horny The Unicorn
- Thread starter Wragg
- Start date
-
- Tags
- original content
Barbaria lived for three days, sustained by Eccles cakes. Her last words were. “Oh God, please! No more Eccles cakes!”
Oh, the cruelty of crucifixion….
*******************
The Cruxwails clock was striking a quarter to ten as Horny, RR, and Wragg came up the drive.
“Best be quick,” said RR. “You have an appointment with Professor Phlebas at ten o’clock. He wants to discuss your nail levels.”
“What?!” cried Wragg, aghast. “You brought me back to before my interview with Professor Phlebas? I have to go through all that humiliation again?”
“I’m sorry, Horny took a slightly quicker way home…. Hard luck, old boy.”
Wragg’s belly felt like a pot of writhing eels as he waited outside the office of Professor Phlebas the Purple, the respected but somewhat notorious Headmaster of Cruxwails School of Sorcery and Cruxology.
He consulted his watch for the fifteenth time in a minute, determined at least to be punctual, and to knock the door at ten o’clock precisely. He needn’t have bothered, for the whole building began to shake as the great clock started to get worked up into announcing that the hour of ten had come. With an almighty BONG!!!! the hour was struck, and Wragg timidly knocked the door. He was not heard; in fact he would not have been heard even if he had slammed on the door with a Jedakk Mark XVII cruxhammer, such was the racket the clock was making as it continued its inexorable path through the ten o’clock chimes. Eventually, it lapsed into silence, the dust began to settle, and Wragg tried knocking again.
There was a loud bang, a puff of purply-green smoke, and Wragg found himself translated into a new location in front of the largest desk he’d ever seen. Phlebas didn’t believe in saying ‘come in’, everything he did was spectacular.
Phlebas himself was spectacular. Seven feet tall if an inch, clad head to toe in silken purple, with long tresses of purply-grey hair cascading over purple shoulders, and a long purply-silver beard betraying his great age, his great wisdom, and his great love of purple.
Wragg gazed up into a pair of piercing purple eyes which peered sharply at him over a pair of half-moon purple spectacles.
“Ah. So you’re Wragg.” He made it sound like an accusation.
“Y-yes sir. W-ragg. That’s m-me, sir.”
“Well, very many congratulations, my dear fellow! Such excellent results! Cruxwails is proud of you! Your father is proud of you! You are a credit to your school! I am almost ridiculously delighted by your progress!”
“Y-you are?”
“We all are!” There was a cloud of purple smoke, and the whole staff had turned out, Professors Tree, Pilus, La Croix, Rodent, Lord and Lady Jollyrei, and Eulalia. Even his father was there, though he scarcely recognised him, because his place was lit up by a beaming smile. It was six years since he’d last seen his father smile.
They all launched into a chorus of ‘for he’s a jolly good fellow’ while Wragg fished in his pocket for his nail level results. There they were, crumpled beneath Barbaria’s torc.
Wragg read them in disbelief:
· Sorcery: A+
· Alchemy: A+
· Pleasing a woman: A+
· Application of Justice: A+
· Carpentry: A+
· Stripping a victim: A+
· Flagellation: A+
· Crucifixion Technique: A+
· Care of weird and frightening beasties: A+
· History of Crux: A+
· Chronicling: A+
Even the word ‘flagellation’ had the g’s and the l’s in the correct quantities and in the correct places!
His brain reeling, he almost didn’t hear Phlebas’ next words:
“Mr Wragg, we would like you to become the official Chronicler of Crux for the Cruxwails School of Sorcery and Cruxology, effective immediately. Will that be in order?”
“Er…. Just one question?”
“What’s that?”
“Do I get to keep the Unicorn?”
THE END
Oh, the cruelty of crucifixion….
*******************
The Cruxwails clock was striking a quarter to ten as Horny, RR, and Wragg came up the drive.
“Best be quick,” said RR. “You have an appointment with Professor Phlebas at ten o’clock. He wants to discuss your nail levels.”
“What?!” cried Wragg, aghast. “You brought me back to before my interview with Professor Phlebas? I have to go through all that humiliation again?”
“I’m sorry, Horny took a slightly quicker way home…. Hard luck, old boy.”
Wragg’s belly felt like a pot of writhing eels as he waited outside the office of Professor Phlebas the Purple, the respected but somewhat notorious Headmaster of Cruxwails School of Sorcery and Cruxology.
He consulted his watch for the fifteenth time in a minute, determined at least to be punctual, and to knock the door at ten o’clock precisely. He needn’t have bothered, for the whole building began to shake as the great clock started to get worked up into announcing that the hour of ten had come. With an almighty BONG!!!! the hour was struck, and Wragg timidly knocked the door. He was not heard; in fact he would not have been heard even if he had slammed on the door with a Jedakk Mark XVII cruxhammer, such was the racket the clock was making as it continued its inexorable path through the ten o’clock chimes. Eventually, it lapsed into silence, the dust began to settle, and Wragg tried knocking again.
There was a loud bang, a puff of purply-green smoke, and Wragg found himself translated into a new location in front of the largest desk he’d ever seen. Phlebas didn’t believe in saying ‘come in’, everything he did was spectacular.
Phlebas himself was spectacular. Seven feet tall if an inch, clad head to toe in silken purple, with long tresses of purply-grey hair cascading over purple shoulders, and a long purply-silver beard betraying his great age, his great wisdom, and his great love of purple.
Wragg gazed up into a pair of piercing purple eyes which peered sharply at him over a pair of half-moon purple spectacles.
“Ah. So you’re Wragg.” He made it sound like an accusation.
“Y-yes sir. W-ragg. That’s m-me, sir.”
“Well, very many congratulations, my dear fellow! Such excellent results! Cruxwails is proud of you! Your father is proud of you! You are a credit to your school! I am almost ridiculously delighted by your progress!”
“Y-you are?”
“We all are!” There was a cloud of purple smoke, and the whole staff had turned out, Professors Tree, Pilus, La Croix, Rodent, Lord and Lady Jollyrei, and Eulalia. Even his father was there, though he scarcely recognised him, because his place was lit up by a beaming smile. It was six years since he’d last seen his father smile.
They all launched into a chorus of ‘for he’s a jolly good fellow’ while Wragg fished in his pocket for his nail level results. There they were, crumpled beneath Barbaria’s torc.
Wragg read them in disbelief:
· Sorcery: A+
· Alchemy: A+
· Pleasing a woman: A+
· Application of Justice: A+
· Carpentry: A+
· Stripping a victim: A+
· Flagellation: A+
· Crucifixion Technique: A+
· Care of weird and frightening beasties: A+
· History of Crux: A+
· Chronicling: A+
Even the word ‘flagellation’ had the g’s and the l’s in the correct quantities and in the correct places!
His brain reeling, he almost didn’t hear Phlebas’ next words:
“Mr Wragg, we would like you to become the official Chronicler of Crux for the Cruxwails School of Sorcery and Cruxology, effective immediately. Will that be in order?”
“Er…. Just one question?”
“What’s that?”
“Do I get to keep the Unicorn?”
THE END
Some blurb, in case Madiosi wants it... 
After completing his studies at the Cruxwails School of Sorcery and Cruxology, Wragg is a timid wastrel whose exam results are so appallingly bad that the reputation of Professor Phlebas' establishment could be shot to bits. His teachers are in despair and the slaves are running amok with the fourth formers.
Fortunately, Professor Racing Rodent saves the day. Under his expert eye, a randy time-travelling unicorn, a french professeur, a titled lady, a first-century rebel leader, and some Eccles cakes all work together to turn the mouse into a man.
After completing his studies at the Cruxwails School of Sorcery and Cruxology, Wragg is a timid wastrel whose exam results are so appallingly bad that the reputation of Professor Phlebas' establishment could be shot to bits. His teachers are in despair and the slaves are running amok with the fourth formers.
Fortunately, Professor Racing Rodent saves the day. Under his expert eye, a randy time-travelling unicorn, a french professeur, a titled lady, a first-century rebel leader, and some Eccles cakes all work together to turn the mouse into a man.
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
Some blurb, in case Madiosi wants it...
After completing his studies at the Cruxwails School of Sorcery and Cruxology, Wragg is a timid wastrel whose exam results are so appallingly bad that the reputation of Professor Phlebas' establishment could be shot to bits. His teachers are in despair and the slaves are running amok with the fourth formers.
Fortunately, Professor Racing Rodent saves the day. Under his expert eye, a randy time-travelling unicorn, a french professeur, a titled lady, a first-century rebel leader, and some Eccles cakes all work together to turn the mouse into a man.
And made possible by ‘Loxuru’s Luscious Lingerie’
Great story, Wragg!
I had no idea your avatar was so crowded!
I do think the correspondence between Lords Wragg and Jollyrei should be included in the archive version, perhaps in between chapters. You decide, though.Some blurb, in case Madiosi wants it...
After completing his studies at the Cruxwails School of Sorcery and Cruxology, Wragg is a timid wastrel whose exam results are so appallingly bad that the reputation of Professor Phlebas' establishment could be shot to bits. His teachers are in despair and the slaves are running amok with the fourth formers.
Fortunately, Professor Racing Rodent saves the day. Under his expert eye, a randy time-travelling unicorn, a french professeur, a titled lady, a first-century rebel leader, and some Eccles cakes all work together to turn the mouse into a man.
Excellent story! I laughed out loud on several occasions and looked forward to each new revelation. Phlebas may never recover from being 7 feet tall and purple.
RacingRodent
Consul
Phlebas may never recover from being 7 feet tall and purple.
I don't know, it helps keep the students in line
messaline
Crucified Amazon
Alas !!! Already !!! What a pity !!! It was so enjoying !!!
Mlle Messaline La Croix put to you a huge ......... LIKE !
Try for 'Cranes Crest' paper on-line. It takes fountain pen ink and dipped 'quill pen' ink very nicely. Just don't buy too much at one time... It's from the same mill US currency is printed on... you don't want to get on that 'watch list'!!!Premium French Crux-Pen Wood!
I'm jealous, I keep a fairly ordinary fountain pen on my desk, I like using it, for proper,
old-fashioned snail-mail and 'important' things like signing legal documents, but it's not easy
to get decent paper to use it on - I find it sinks blotchily into ordinary printer paper,
I have to get calligraphic quality paper from an art supplies shop.
At Nailus Martyrs you can get fountain pens made with Messaline's Premium French Crucifixion wood!!!
messaline
Crucified Amazon
Oh, I didn't know that ! ... made in China ?
Well, that is up to Madiosi, of course... but yes, it would be fun!I do think the correspondence between Lords Wragg and Jollyrei should be included in the archive version, perhaps in between chapters. You decide, though.
Excellent story! I laughed out loud on several occasions and looked forward to each new revelation. Phlebas may never recover from being 7 feet tall and purple.
Primus pilus
Magister Australis
Hmmmmm. Professor Mlle La Croix and Professor Pilus discussed young Wragg's flagellation grading at length in a moderation meeting in Professor Pilus' office.
Mlle La Croix had initially suggested an A with Special Honours but, after measuring young Wragg's performance against the high standard set by Professor Pilus, Mlle La Croix agreed that Wragg still had much to learn and the Professors decided that an A+ reflected the student's current level of knowledge and application while also encouraging the boy to pursue further study.
Well done young Wragg. It has been a challenging term but you have made satisfactory progress.
messaline
Crucified Amazon
... and I can add that I'm at his complete disposition for his future lessons ...
... whichever whip that he'll want to try ... Attachments
Repertor
Artifex Imaginum
Perhaps prof. Pilus could offer him a scholarship for a post-graduate course in his famous whipping academy.
Heavens no! They are handcrafted at the walnut bowl shop in Lebanon, Missouri next to I-44 (formerly the famous US Route 66)!!!Oh, I didn't know that ! ... made in China ?
Thanks for that tip, Tree - the choice of Founding Fathers, English royalty and U.S. presidents, eh?Try for 'Cranes Crest' paper on-line. It takes fountain pen ink and dipped 'quill pen' ink very nicely. Just don't buy too much at one time... It's from the same mill US currency is printed on... you don't want to get on that 'watch list'!!!
At Nailus Martyrs you can get fountain pens made with Messaline's Premium French Crucifixion wood!!!
Well, not sure about those - it depends which of the FFs, English royals and US presidents,
some of them have had reasonable taste, a few could even wield a pen (Queen Vic for one).
The prices are pretty eye-watering (did you know your dollar bill is worth less than the paper it's printed on?
) -but certainly it looks serious high quality paper, I'll see if I can get some.