M*A*S*H DIARY

[Praefectus Praetorio]

Mademoiselle from Armentieres


Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
Mademoiselle from Armentieres,
She hasn't been kissed in forty years,
Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
She had the form like the back of a hack,
When she cried the tears ran down her back,
Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
She never could hold the love of man
'Cause she took her baths in a talcum can,
Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
She had four chins, her knees would knock,
And her face would stop a cuckoo clock,
Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
She could beg a franc, a drink, a meal,
But it wasn't because of sex appeal,
Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
She could guzzle a barrel of sour wine,
And eat a hog without peeling the rind,
Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

The MPS think they won the war, Parley-voo.
The MPS think they won the war, Parley-voo.
The MPS think they won the war,
Standing guard at the café door,
Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

The officers get the pie and cake, Parley-voo.
The officers get the pie and cake, Parley-voo.
The officers get the pie and cake,
And all we get is the bellyache,
Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

The sergeant ought to take a bath, Parley-voo.
The sergeant ought to take a bath, Parley-voo.
If he changes his underwear
The frogs will give him the Croix-de-Guerre,
Hinky-dinky, parley-voo.

You might forget the gas and shells, Parley-voo.
You might forget the gas and shells, Parley-voo.
You might forget the groans and yells
But you'll never forget the mademoiselles,
Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parley-voo?
Just blow your nose, and dry your tears,
We'll all be back in a few short years,
Hinky, dinky, parley-voo.

Captain Jolly must appreciate this since it is the third part (the first two being "Has Anyone Seen the Colonel?" and "It's a Long Way to Tipperary") of the regimental march of his unit, Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry.

 

[RacingRodent]

It’s that “hinky dinky” line that often puzzles me. Are we talking about Tree’s thingy here?

As was typical of Americans of the period, Tree's thingy was late to the party

 

[Praefectus Praetorio]

General Praetorius stated the prosecution rested.

At this time, presiding judge Phlebas turned to defense counsel Lt. Brave and in a very condescending tone asked, “Does the little elf girl have anything to present for defense?”

Let it be set in the record that Colonel Phlebas called Erin an elf. That must count for something, right? There must be something in the military legal code that says you can't discriminate against little people, and using such a term to denigrate a military officer ought to land the General in deep doo-doo.

Due to multiple objections voiced by the defense counsel and even the defendant over the next few minutes, verbatim statements will be recorded

Well at least that's something! My story will be there for a future review.
.
Lt. Brave (B): Yes, I do, your honor. I call Second Lieutenant Barbara A. Moore to the stand.”



At last I get to speak! And do I ever have a lot to say. The urge to complain has been building up inside me since this farce of a trail began. And I have so much to say about these misfits masquerading as officers. Can't wait to unload!

Phlebas(P): Just a moment, Lt. Brave, what will Moore be testifying about?

B: Well, the truth of all this, your honor! She will expose the depravity and corruption and abuse to which she has been sub…

Yessssssssssss

P: Will these be the same matters that she stated in her complaint to General Praetorius at JAG and later supplemented with Diary entries?

B: Yes, your honor, substantially the same and more! She will demonstrate that the misbehavior of others caused all…

P: Are you aware, littlr girl, that just yesterday, Lt. Moore was invited to present any documentary corroboration of these scurrilous charges and confessed that she had none, that it had “disappeared?”

Well, it actually did disappear and I’ll bet it was Captain Tree that ... or possibly Corporal Rodent ... someone should check Corporal Rodent's quarters! Bet they find my missing evidence!

B: Yes, your honor, but Lt. Moore is prepared to explain how…

P: So you must also be aware that we ruled yesterday that her charges, which are highly demeaning and insubordinate, are dismissed with prejudice and may not be refiled?

You did what? Shit!

B: Yes, your honor, but…

P: Any testimony by Lt. Moore would be prejudicial and damaging to camp discipline and morale. Therefore, I rule that she may not testify. Do you have any other witnesses, sweet red cheeks?

Ohhhhhh, now he called Lt. Brave "sweet red cheeks". how dare he?!?!

And furthermore, nothing could be more damaging to camp discipline and morale than the behaviors of Captains Tree, Wragg, Jolly and Goldman. How come they get to testify and I don't?

B: You Bastard! I’m tired of listening to you use degrading language about the defendant and me! Now this ruling goes against everything on our legal system! You have made this a kangaroo court! I will not…

That’s telling him, Erin! Let him have it ...

P: BE QUIET! I warned both of you before about trying to malign my country. If I hear the word kangaroo from either f you one more time, I’ll show you what an Australian Stock Whip made of Kangaroo hide can do. I have one in my tent, and I promise you it can strip the flesh from your back in five minutes!

Jeepers! No need to get that testy ... and doubt seriously that an Australian Stock Whip is listed anywhere in as permissible military equipment. Isn't there a rule about officers possessing unauthorized weaponry. I know Patton did it, but that was another war.

P: I rule that the defense rests. Sit down on your little butt, girl!

At this point the little red-headed girl seemed to lose it and screamed at the top of her lungs about how unfair it was. The defendant chimed in and also appeared to threaten the Judges. Major Grave woke up and shouted, “Give them what for! Charge the tanks! Damn the losses!”

Major Grave's behavior suggests that he should be in a grave. The guy is so senile he doesn't even know where he is.

General Pretorius ordered the MPs to restrain the defendant and her counsel. Loxuru and Houser quickly cuffed their hands behind them and were about to gag them when they quieted down.

Hey! Not so rough! I protest being gagged. I want to be heard.

Major Grave seemed to regain his senses for a moment and muttered, “I say, how do we know that woman in the ratty clerk’s photos is Moore? We don’t see her face much.”

What an idiot!

The other judges stared in astonishment with the soundness of his question. However, he then began whistling some march and soon fell asleep.

Soundness? Give me a break. Major Grave is nothing but an old lech!

Phlebas and Praetoius ordered Lt. Moore brought up to the center of the tent.

P: To ensure fairness, I will have Lt. Moore stripped so we can all see whether it is her body in these, ahem, incriminating photos.

What? This is most improper.

Moore exploded in protest so Phlebas ordered her gagged.

I already said I demand to be heard ... you cant gag m ... m ... mmmmmphhhhhhh.

P: Since stripping a nurse in front of the whole courtroom is a delicate matter, I will have another female do it. An innocent, respectable woman of the cloth. Sister Messaline, will you please remove Lt. Moore’s clothes, all of them!

Oh no!

Messaline: Mais Oui, Mon Colonel!

Clearly touched by the confidence shown in her by this duty, the young French nun took her time in slowly and carefully removing Moore’s clothes, even reaching inside her bra and panties to carefully massage and adjust Moore before fully exposing her.

Everyone in the court paid rapt attention as the erotic stripping moved to a spectacular conclusion. Even Major Grave stirred and gasped, “Damn Good Show, girl!”



Alright, the final humiliation has occurred. I was forced to stand naked before the panel of judges. I doubt THAT has never happened in a military court before. I shook with fury as their beady little eyes roved up and down over my nakedness. Lieutenant Brave tried to stand before me and shield me, but she was roughly shoved aside by Sergeant Connoisseurs. Captain Goldman suggested that I turn around and bend over as he could best be assured that it was the same person in the photos by examining the shape of what he once again referred to as my "tight little". Captain Wragg began to argue with him, stating that the size and shape of my breasts were a better indicator, while Captain Jolly insisted that he could only tell for sure if I was ordered to lie down on my back with my arms at rest at my sides, as though I was lying in a coffin. Captain Tree had taken one look and passed out and offered no opinion.

The judges examined the photos again. They went above and beyond by rising from their desk and circling the Lieutenant to observe her body closely, taking their time at a close examination to give the most accurate judgement possible. Even Major Grave roused himself to examine Lt. Moore.



Judge Phlebas announced that it was definitely Moore in the scandalous and incriminating photos. Graves continued lifting and fondling her breasts. "You've got to sample the produce," he murmured. "Nice ripe fruit," he said, approvingly. "Hard to find melons like these in The Windy Pennines."

The final insult: after they had examined every inch of me and declared that I was definitely the woman in the photos, they all stood around, shook hands and congratulated themselves on reaching a unanimous conclusion. Major Graves couldn't stop squeezing my breasts and comparing them to fruit!

Phlebas then ordered Moore seated (he seems to have forgotten to order that she be re-clothed) and turned to the jury.



P: Honorable Gentlemen of the Jury, (Captain Tree burped loudly and seemed to regain consciousness) you have heard the evidence. I also could have testified, but refrained to show my impartiality here to be above reproach. I will say that I agree with everything that has been said about Lt. Moore and that she is clearly guilty as sin!

At this point Lt. Brave started to object, but Loxuru stuffed an oily rag from the motor pool in her mouth and tied it off with one of her shoelaces.

P: You may now retire to the jury tent to consider your verdict.

 

[Loxuru]

Mein Gott! When it comes to cornering suspects and defense lawyers, this Judge Phlebas is even more wicked than dr. Roland Freisler!

 

[Barbaria1]

Mein Gott! When it comes to cornering suspects and defense lawyers, this Judge Phlebas is even more wicked than dr. Roland Freisler!

You’re referring to Freisler, the infamous Hanging Judge?

Yikes!

Puts our HangingTree in a whole new light, doesn’t it? At least our Tree is loveable ... kinda

 

[Loxuru]

Puts our HangingTree in a whole new light, doesn’t it? At least our Tree is loveable ... kinda

Sure!

 

[Loxuru]

Major Grave's behavior suggests that he should be in a grave. The guy is so senile he doesn't even know where he is.

Now this suddenly occurs to me : is this Major 'Grave' an old frat of Captain Jollyrei? They got something … how should I say.. complementary? I don't know what? 'Grave'...Just.... intuition?

 

[Jollyrei]

Now this suddenly occurs to me : is this Major 'Grave' an old frat of Captain Jollyrei? They got something … how should I say.. complementary? I don't know what? 'Grave'...Just.... intuition?

I'm not sure what you are implying. Certainly the Major is a fine officer, and one tries to work professionally with one's colleagues.

 

[Praefectus Praetorio]

Now this suddenly occurs to me : is this Major 'Grave' an old frat of Captain Jollyrei? They got something … how should I say.. complementary? I don't know what? 'Grave'...Just.... intuition?

I'm not sure what you are implying. Certainly the Major is a fine officer, and one tries to work professionally with one's colleagues.

Great to meet up with that Jolly fellow; worked out he's related to the Savages of Elmet Hall, damn fine family, made their money the hard way, running slaves and owning plantations. Some silly old fart even wrote about them in Angela And The Savages. The Graves married into the family, they were coal mine owners, though there was never much money in it when they stopped the women working:

As you see here, there is a close blood relation between Grave and Jolly

 

[Praefectus Praetorio]

“You may now retire to the jury tent to consider your verdict,” said Presiding Judge Phlebas.

The four Captains on the jury looked at each other and smiled. Captain Tree spoke up in a strong (though slightly (OK, maybe strongly)) slurred voice.
“Your honor. We’s the Jury have already reached our verdict.” He said, taking a large swig from his water(?) canteen.

"We's the jury ... "Captain Tree sounds illiterate here, or is that the kind of fractured English that passes for normal in a place like Arkansas?

“Really,” asked the Judge? “On all counts?”
“Certainly,” Tree responded with his loudest burp yet. “How many counts were there?”

Careful here, He can only count as high as the number of fingers on both hands. I hope the official transcript of this kangaroo court will ignore my sarcasm. I can't help it.

“Sixteen of insubordination, three of assault, and six of lewd behavior and damaging government property.”
“Precisisily,” grinned the Doctor, taking another swig. Guilty on all counters!”

He’s so drunk he probably doesn’t know what he’s saying ...

Lieutenents Moore and Brave seemed to want to rise to object, but being handcuffed, gagged and held in their seats while Loxuru was fondling Moore’s breasts and Houser was grabbing and pinching Brave's little ass, they passed up the opportunity to enter any official objection.
Colonel Phlebas, doing everything possible to be fair polled each juror and found each to concur in the verdict.

No surprise there. When do Lieutenant Brave and I get a say? We object. How do we appeal. This is not fair. I can't consult with my defense counsel on account of the fact that we are both gagged!

“Hearing no objection,” (just muffled grunts from the defense table) “I accept and certify the verdict. Does the defense wish to say anything before this court decides on punishment?”

I’m gagged, damn it ... can't anyone here take that into account! I have plenty of objections but no one can hear them!

Hearing none, the three judges pulled their chairs around to discuss the sentence. The discussion appeared friendly and collegial, with Major Grave for once seeming animated and being heard to say “The Maximum, nothing less!” over and over.

Old fart ... can’t they shut him up?

After no more than four minutes, Judge Phlebas gaveled the court back in session.
“Defendant, please rise.” When nothing happened, he gestured to the MPs to stop holding Moore down and to pull her to her feet. The same was done with Erin.

Not so rough, damn it!

“Second Lieutenant Barbara A. Moore, you have been found guilty of numerous violations of the Articles of War in time of War when in a combat zone. We have considered the seriousness of this charge and have decided to sentence you to reduction of rank to private and a dishonorable discharge.”

Getting out of this place at last! That’s not so bad.

“And as further punishment, we sentence you to receive a flogging of eight dozen lashes with the cat-o-nine-tails on your bare back at dawn tomorrow. Followed by nine months at hard labor in Fort Leavenworth, Federal Military Prison.”

Holy shit! Eight dozen. Let me think .... damn ... that's 96 lashes!!!! That's insane. There must be some mistake! Even the British Navy probably meted out less than that! Nine months at hard labor! I could break a nail!

Moore seemed to stare in disbelief and her knees gave way so that Loxuru had to hold her upright. Brave, though bound and gagged exploded with grunts and thrashing in protest.
“Second Lieutenant Erin T. Brave. Your actions during this trial have shown repeated contempt of this court and the honorable officers of this post. You are summarily judged to be in contempt. Your punishment will be four dozen lashes with the cat-o-nine-tails on your bare back at dawn tomorrow. Followed by five months at hard labor in Fort Leavenworth, Federal Military Prison.”

Poor Erin! Look what I’ve gotten her into ... all she did was try to have my back and now she'll pay the price with me. Only four dozen, though. How come I get twice as many. Not fair! I want the discrepancy entered into the record.

“Take the prisoners away and make sure they are well restrained all night. I will permit visitation by any camp personnel who wish to comfort them during the night as long as proper order of rank is observed."

Define “comfort” please ... I refuse to be tied over a table again ... and by the way how come the fact that they did that to me was never mentioned?

“Court Adjourned!” The general feeling in the camp of the justice of the verdict can be gauged by the loud and long cheer by all at the end.

 

[old slave]

I will permit visitation by any camp personnel who wish to comfort them during the night as long as proper order of rank is observed."

"Let's see now, we have a Brigadier General, a Lieutentant Colonel, then ME.
Am I up for both of them?
Should be OK with the heart pills, the blood pressure pills, and the little blue pills.
That Moore girl looks a bit flighty, I think I'll start with the Brave one, get warmed up as it were with her, see how it goes but be prepared for a tactical withdrawal.
Always need Plan B when at the front, first rule of survival, know how to get away.
Then when the enemy is thoughly broken the bitches have been flogged, we can make another heroic advance.
.
.
.
.
What? Was I dreaming again?
I must find my billet and have a lie down, "I say, you little nursey, yes you, a cup of tea about half five and you can help me dress for dinner, don't forget now!""

 

[Barbaria1]

I must find my billet and have a lie down, "I say, you little nursey, yes you, a cup of tea about half five and you can help me dress for dinner, don't forget now!""

And Eul says we nurses have to put up with this crap

 

[Loxuru]

while Loxuru was fondling Moore’s breasts

'Fondling'
Get my English-German dictionary! aha! Streichlen! Liebkosen! Schmuseln!
So, what is she complaining about when I do it?

Eight dozen. Let me think .... damn ... that's 96 lashes!!!!

Zechs und neunzig! Incredible! I never adminstered more than three dozen to unruly girls!
These Americans are really tough! But Befehl ist Befehl! When they order me to do it, I do it!

 

[Barbaria1]

These Americans are really tough! But Befehl ist Befehl! When they order me to do it, I do it!

Pflicht über alles?

 

[RacingRodent]

'Fondling'
Get my English-German dictionary! aha! Streichlen! Liebkosen! Schmuseln!
So, what is she complaining about when I do it?


Zechs und neunzig! Incredible! I never adminstered more than three dozen to unruly girls!
These Americans are really tough! But Befehl ist Befehl! When they order me to do it, I do it!

Excuse me Sergeant but I am pretty sure anything over 40 lashes counts as dangerous and since you will be administering 48, I think I can put you in for combat pay. Want me to chase that up for you?

 

[Loxuru]

Excuse me Sergeant but I am pretty sure anything over 40 lashes counts as dangerous and since you will be administering 48, I think I can put you in for combat pay. Want me to chase that up for you?

The US military really knows how to make an army march into combat!

 

[Jollyrei]

'Fondling'
Get my English-German dictionary! aha! Streichlen! Liebkosen! Schmuseln!
So, what is she complaining about when I do it?

Yes, but in English, everything has at least 2 meanings, one of which is the very nice dictionary meaning (which your dictionary has very helpfully provided), and then there is the second meanging which is doing all those happy gentle things without asking and without the girl actually wanting you there, and in fact not nicely. We use the same word for all of that. I suspect that this is why nobody in North America seems to learn about consent.

 

[Barbaria1]

8 April 1951

Dear Diary

After a long and tiring trial, Lt. Erin Brave and I were escorted under guard to a tent where we were to await the terrible corporal punishments my Drumhead Court Martial had passed down in sentencing, employing what Erin insisted was nothing more than an archaic embarrassment buried deep in the military penal code. We were to be publicly flogged ... 96 lashes on my bare back, and 48 for Lt. Brave. I was naked, having been required to strip ... unfairly, I might add ... in the course of the trial. When it was over, Erin had been deprived of the dress uniform she wore and allowed to retain only her underlying slip as we awaited punishment.

As usual, Corporal Rodent was there in the guard tent, ready with his camera to make official record of the moment of our arrival.



Sad and frustrated over the trial’s highly irregular and disappointing outcome, Erin and I sat huddled together on the floor of the tent, cuffed to the tent pole, forlornly awaiting the morrow. After a while MP Emily delivered dinner from the mess tent, and watched over us as we struggled to eat with our wrists in cuffs chained to the tent pole. Try it sometime ... it’s not easy.

Once the half-eaten food was taken away, we sat quietly, listening to the familiar sounds of nightfall and a camp settling down for the night. In the distance the rumble of artillery could be heard, which foretold the start of renewed Chinese attacks by morning. I half-wondered if our corporal punishment might be forgotten should the unit be flooded with wounded.But I chided myself for selfishly wishing harm to front line soldiers just to save my own neck.

As the evening wore on, we heard activity out on the nearby camp parade ground ... a lot of shouting and grunting, sounds of digging and hammering.

“What’s going on out there?” I asked MP Emily.

“They’re erecting a pair of whipping posts,” she replied, matter of factly.

“Oh”

“Well, what did you expect? Something has to hold the two of you in place while they whip you. Can’t have you running off, can we?”

“Who would we run to ... the Chinese?”

“And the hammering has to do with the VIP bleachers that General Praetorius has ordered built. He’s inviting important guests, possibly even the press.

“Do you think he’s invited MacArthur?”

“You haven’t heard? The scuttlebutt has it that Old Dougie is being fired by Harry Truman. The President will announce it in the coming days.”

“Does this mean Erin and I will get a reprieve?”

“Not likely. You’re fucked no matter who’s in command. By the way, looks like you have some visitors.”

“Who?”

“Half the camp it would appear. They’re lining up outside as we speak.”

“Shit! What are we? The new attraction at the zoo?”

“You might say that. Most here have never witnessed a flogging. Excitement is high. Seems many would like to visit you here before they march you out to those posts.”

“Oh Shit!”

“Shall I let the first one in? It’s Head Nurse Eulalia. She wants to offer some advice on the proper way in which a slave should take the lash.”

“Well, I suppose so,” I said dubiously.

“Just some friendly advice, girls,” announced Eul as she brusquely tossed aside the tent flap and breezed in. “Remember this. The proper way to receive a whipping is to stand straight, chest out, shoulders and hips aligned. It’s ok to grunt or gasp following each stroke to begin with, but screams and sobbing are expected after the fifth or sixth, and never later than the eighth. Try not to writhe or twist about too much. Always present a symmetrically perfect target that can be struck square on. Oh, and one more thing. Be sure to say thank you at the end. That’s all. Do me proud out there tomorrow.”

Captain Jolly was next. He arrived carrying a longish measuring stick and was trailed by Corporal Rodent with his ever present clipboard.

“What’s the stick for?” enquired MP Emily.

“I’m going to take some measurements of Lieutenant Moore. Kindly have her stretch out full length on the tent floor for me, please.”

“What the heck for?”

“I need to measure her so that Corporal Rodent can order the proper sized casket. Ninety-six lashes are a lot for anyone to take, you know, and we need to be prepared for the chance that she .... uh .... ahem ... er ... how can I put this delicately ... shall we say ... might succumb,” he replied with a curious gleam in his otherwise dark eyes while rubbing his hands together with obvious relish.

“Don’t bother!” I snapped. “I’m five foot five and 118 pounds.”

“Sorry, this has to be official.”

“Do as he says, Moore,” said PM Emily with a sigh.

I laid back, awkwardly, hands still cuffed to the pole. Captain Jolly hovered over me, almost like an apparition, squinting at the markings on the stick.

“Five foot five,” he reported, at length. “Got that Corporal Rodent?”

“Yessir.”

“Convert it to metric, please, and hand me the tape measure.”

“What’s that for?” I said suspiciously.

“More measurements, Lieutenant. “Arch your back for me please, and then raise your hips.”

“Geeze!”

“Uh huh ... take this down, Corporal ... chest 34 inches .... waist 2 ...”

“Stop that!” I screamed, throwing an errant punch with my free hand balled into a fist.

“Most irregular, Captain Jolly,” chimed in Lt. Brave, frowning disapprovingly. “I can’t see how those kind of measurements mean anything for ordering a casket?”

“They don’t, Lieutenant, they’re for General Praetorius. He just wanted to know.”

“I think an M-4 Standard casket will work just fine, sir.” intervened Corporal Rodent, slipping his pencil behind his ear.

“Excellent, Corporal. Do order one, please. We’re finished here. Have a pleasant evening, girls. And don’t worry, Moore. Hopefully this was an unnecessary precaution ... but then again ... one never knows.”

“Ok, Emily. That was weird. Who’s out there wanting to see us next?” I asked, awkwardly raising myself into a sitting position again.

“Captain Tree is out there. I’ll bring him in.”

Tree staggered in, shrouded as usual in a cloud of cigarette smoke and emitting a loud fart.

“Hi girls,” he drawled. “Brought you a few things I thought you might need before this night is over. First of all, I brought myself ... in case you might be yearning for a good Arkansas fuck. I could get Privates Gunner and Bull to join us as well, if you like. They’re both exceptionally endowed.”

“Ummm, no thanks.”

“Uh, ok. Your loss. But, I also brought you some Madame Wu’s in case you wanted to get high and a little packet of Joan’s Horny Potion in case you two might ... well ... you know.”

“Get out!”

“Ok ... ok ... “

“But leave the horny potion,” grinned Erin with a twinkle in her eye.

“Who’s next?” I said, resignedly.

“Captain Wragg.”

“Alright, show him in.”

“Good evening, ladies. Rum show, today’s trial, what? Never would have happened like that back in Blighty. At the Abbey we just sent wayward service staff straight to the cellar. Gave ‘em what for on their bare bums, we did. Jolly good fun! How they did squeal and wail. And when they’d learnt a thing or two about discipline and subservience down in the cellar, we’d take them upstairs and tie them to a four poster ... and ...

I stared at him in disbelief, mouth wide open.

“Hah! You should see the look on your face Lieutenant! Don’t you know that I’m pulling your leg? We Brits don’t really talk like that anymore. Seriously, the other docs and I are sorry about what happened today. Things did get a bit out of control, didn’t they? On the other hand, you have to admit it was your own illl-considered impetuousness that got General Praetorius over here and yourself in hot water. Ninety-six lashes, indeed. That is insane. Not to worry, we’re doctors and we’ll put a stop to it.”

“Oh thank goodness. Lieutenant Brave and I won’t be whipped after all?”

“I didn’t say that. Wouldn’t for all the money in the world miss the show of you and Lieutenant Brave up against those posts taking a ‘good many’!”

“Oh, but not 96?”

“A few dozen, perhaps four or five dozen, should be sufficient. Colonel Phlebas will see to it that there’s no more than that. We’ve agreed on that.”

“But, Captain Jolly seemed concerned that I might die.”

“Oh, never mind Jolly ... he always dwells on the morbid. Listen, I’ve got to be in surgery. Cheerio! Chin up and all that.”

After Wragg left, I turned to Erin and smiled. “I guess they’re not such bad guys after all.” I enthused.

“They still want to see us whipped,” she replied drily.

“Yeah, see your point.”

“Let’s open the Love Potion Captain Tree left with us. It’s going to be a long night.”

“Ok, why not?”

“It’s in your drink. Bottom’s up.”

“Want to join us Emily?”

“Maybe later, you’ve got one more visitor.

“Who’s that?”

“Captain Goldman.”

“Let him in,” I laughed, already feeling the effects of the double dose Erin poured into my glass a few moments before the tent flap flew open and a cloud of cheap cologne preceded Goldman’s arrival.

 

[thehangingtree]

At least Tree was treated (somewhat) kindly...

 

[Jollyrei]

Captain Jolly was next. He arrived carrying a longish measuring stick and was trailed by Corporal Rodent with his ever present clipboard.

“What’s the stick for?” enquired MP Emily.

“I’m going to take some measurements of Lieutenant Moore. Kindly have her stretch out full length on the tent floor for me, please.”

“What the heck for?”

“I need to measure her so that Corporal Rodent can order the proper sized casket. Ninety-six lashes are a lot for anyone to take, you know, and we need to be prepared for the chance that she .... uh .... ahem ... er ... how can I put this delicately ... shall we say ... might succumb,”

One has to be thorough about these things. Attention to detail is the hallmark of a surgeon. Admittedly, one doesn't like to lose a patient, or a nurse, but these things happen in wartime. Best to be prepared, eh?
You wouldn't want your next of kin hearing that we'd botched the funeral.

Tree staggered in, shrouded as usual in a cloud of cigarette smoke and emitting a loud fart.

“Hi girls,” he drawled. “Brought you a few things I thought you might need before this night is over. First of all, I brought myself ... in case you might be yearning for a good Arkansas fuck. I could get Privates Gunner and Bull to join us as well, if you like. They’re both exceptionally endowed.”

Dr. Tree is renowned for his bedside manner; actually his "on the bed with you" manner, but that's not nearly as poetic. Come to think of it, Dr. Tree is not nearly poetic either.

“Who’s next?” I said, resignedly.

“Captain Wragg.”

“Alright, show him in.”

“Good evening, ladies. Rum show, today’s trial, what? Never would have happened like that back in Blighty. At the Abbey we just sent wayward service staff straight to the cellar. Gave ‘em what for on their bare bums, we did. Jolly good fun! How they did squeal and wail. And when they’d learnt a thing or two about discipline and subservience down in the cellar, we’d take them upstairs and tie them to a four poster ... and ...

I stared at him in disbelief, mouth wide open.

“Hah! You should see the look on your face Lieutenant! Don’t you know that I’m pulling your leg? We Brits don’t really talk like that anymore. Seriously, the other docs and I are sorry about what happened today. Things did get a bit out of control, didn’t they? On the other hand, you have to admit it was your own illl-considered impetuousness that got General Praetorius over here and yourself in hot water. Ninety-six lashes, indeed. That is insane. Not to worry, we’re doctors and we’ll put a stop to it.”

Well, he's joking, sure, except about what goes on back home at the Abbey. Party central over there. I went with him last time he got "R and R" and those four-posters are really quite something.

“But, Captain Jolly seemed concerned that I might die.”

“Oh, never mind Jolly ... he always dwells on the morbid.

Oh, I do not. I'm perhaps a bit literal-minded at times, but I find that people don't really get my dry sense of humour...um...Nurse, is this patient still alive? No? Oh, well; easy come, easy go, I suppose.

“Let’s open the Love Potion Captain Tree left with us. It’s going to be a long night.”

“Ok, why not?”

Looks like it's time to check out the supply tent.

“Captain Goldman.”

“Let him in,” I laughed, already feeling the effects of the double dose Erin poured into my glass a few moments before the tent flap flew open and a cloud of cheap cologne preceded Goldman’s arrival.

How is it that Goldman always arrives in the right place at the right time? Lucky beggar!

Good to see you back on the story, Barb!