Nothing to it .. you just throw in the clutch, put it in gear, let out the clutch and step on the gas, right?
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All at Sea with Jeeves
- Thread starter Wragg
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Nothing to it .. you just throw in the clutch, put it in gear, let out the clutch and step on the gas, right?
Barb proceeds to explode a Ford 9" differential on the pavement and says 'Opps'.
He's not really used to getting respect in a story, is he?
Absolutely, old boy. Dashed good thinking, I say!
I keep telling everyone they are worrying about nothing, but nobody seems to believe me!
Even old Windar has put our theatre tickets up for grabs!
5.
Barb was quite determined that this time her spell in charge would not be punctuated by disaster. The encounter with HMS Malins yesterday, which she had missed by mere yards after a misunderstanding as to who should give way to whom had left her on a final warning of a damn good thrashing.
For a little while all went well, Mr Madiosi called up from the engine room to report that the port drive shaft was running slightly hot but he was sure he could sort it out without needing to reduce revolutions, and Mr Loxuru, one of the stewards, brought her a steaming hot cup of tea, leaving a couple more on the map table for Phlebas and Inder when they returned.
“Are you steering this great big ship all by yourself, Miss Moore?” he asked respectfully.
Quite unused to being addressed with respect, it took her a moment to realise he was talking to her; it was only the total absence of anyone else on the Bridge that made the penny drop.
“Call me ‘Barb’, and yes I am!”
“I’m Lox, and one day I’d love to be a ship’s captain!”
“Would you?” She saluted him, gravely, “Aye, aye, Cap’n! Would you like to hold this?”
He looked at her as if the wheel wasn’t the only thing he wanted to hold, but he gingerly took only the wheel. She showed him the compass, and how to make sure that the ship kept going in the right direction. She sipped her tea, and watched Loxuru from behind, making sure that everything was under control. Loxuru had a nice ass, too. She wondered what he was doing this evening.
Suddenly, Ted Parry’s voice came from the for’ard lookout. “BRIDGE!”
She grabbed the voice pipe. “Bridge here!”
“ICEBERG! Dead ahead! Less than a thousand yards!”
“Er, Right-ho! Thanks!”
She shoved poor Loxuru out of the way, and peered out of the window, buggered if she could see any icebergs, just the white horses on the waves. Then she saw it, sticking out either side of the for’ard mast. Dead ahead was dead right! She swung the wheel violently, and the ship slewed over to port. Unbeknown to her, two hundred diners in the restaurant three decks below collected their dinners in their laps. But the Iceberg seemed to be coming even closer! Panicking now, she swung the wheel the other way, then changed her mind again…
“Ohhhhhh….. Shit!” she said.
“Excuse me, Miss, may I be of assistance?” Whoever that was, it wasn’t Loxuru.
“W-w-what?”
“If you will pardon my interruption, Miss, we need to steer a course of three hundred and fifteen degrees magnetic and reduce to half revolutions. This will take into account the southward motion of the iceberg and will enable sufficient forward velocity to regain control.”
Without another word Barb rang for half revolutions and settled the ship, as directed, onto a north-westerly course. The waiters collected up the smashed crockery and apologised profusely to the infuriated diners. The iceberg passed harmlessly on the port side just as Phlebas and Bob Inder, alerted by the violent manoeuvring, returned to the bridge. Seeing them, Loxuru vanished out of the opposite door, but the newcomer remained.
“What the hell,” demanded the Captain, “is going on? And who the hell are you?”
“My name, sir, is Jeeves. Please pardon my intrusion onto your bridge, Captain, but I conceived the notion, based upon the behaviour of the ship, that Miss Moore might value some assistance.”
Barb mopped her brow. “Too right I valued your assistance. Thank you, Jeeves.”
“It was my pleasure, Miss.”
“Yes. Thank you Jeeves.” Considering that Jeeves had just saved his career, not to mention his life, Captain Inder could have showed a bit more gratitude, but Jeeves was nonetheless gracious.
“Please don’t mention it, Captain. It was the least I could do. Good day to you.” With a bow, he quit the bridge.
“Phlebas, take the helm.”
“Sir.”
“And get her back on speed and on course.”
“Very good, sir.”
“And as for you, Moore, what were you thinking of?”
“I don’t know, sir, I….”
“Don’t you know how to steer this ship?”
“Yes, sir, but I…”
“HMS Malins yesterday! An iceberg today! What’s next?”
“I’m sorry, sir, I….”
“Did I or did I not warn you yesterday of the consequences of poor seamanship?”
“You did, sir, but I….”
“I’m very reluctant to do this, and it will hurt me more than it will hurt you, but it’s forty lashes for you!”
“Forty, sir?! I…..”
“Isn’t that enough? Would you prefer sixty?”
“No, sir, I…”
Barb was quite determined that this time her spell in charge would not be punctuated by disaster. The encounter with HMS Malins yesterday, which she had missed by mere yards after a misunderstanding as to who should give way to whom had left her on a final warning of a damn good thrashing.
For a little while all went well, Mr Madiosi called up from the engine room to report that the port drive shaft was running slightly hot but he was sure he could sort it out without needing to reduce revolutions, and Mr Loxuru, one of the stewards, brought her a steaming hot cup of tea, leaving a couple more on the map table for Phlebas and Inder when they returned.
“Are you steering this great big ship all by yourself, Miss Moore?” he asked respectfully.
Quite unused to being addressed with respect, it took her a moment to realise he was talking to her; it was only the total absence of anyone else on the Bridge that made the penny drop.
“Call me ‘Barb’, and yes I am!”
“I’m Lox, and one day I’d love to be a ship’s captain!”
“Would you?” She saluted him, gravely, “Aye, aye, Cap’n! Would you like to hold this?”
He looked at her as if the wheel wasn’t the only thing he wanted to hold, but he gingerly took only the wheel. She showed him the compass, and how to make sure that the ship kept going in the right direction. She sipped her tea, and watched Loxuru from behind, making sure that everything was under control. Loxuru had a nice ass, too. She wondered what he was doing this evening.
Suddenly, Ted Parry’s voice came from the for’ard lookout. “BRIDGE!”
She grabbed the voice pipe. “Bridge here!”
“ICEBERG! Dead ahead! Less than a thousand yards!”
“Er, Right-ho! Thanks!”
She shoved poor Loxuru out of the way, and peered out of the window, buggered if she could see any icebergs, just the white horses on the waves. Then she saw it, sticking out either side of the for’ard mast. Dead ahead was dead right! She swung the wheel violently, and the ship slewed over to port. Unbeknown to her, two hundred diners in the restaurant three decks below collected their dinners in their laps. But the Iceberg seemed to be coming even closer! Panicking now, she swung the wheel the other way, then changed her mind again…
“Ohhhhhh….. Shit!” she said.
“Excuse me, Miss, may I be of assistance?” Whoever that was, it wasn’t Loxuru.
“W-w-what?”
“If you will pardon my interruption, Miss, we need to steer a course of three hundred and fifteen degrees magnetic and reduce to half revolutions. This will take into account the southward motion of the iceberg and will enable sufficient forward velocity to regain control.”
Without another word Barb rang for half revolutions and settled the ship, as directed, onto a north-westerly course. The waiters collected up the smashed crockery and apologised profusely to the infuriated diners. The iceberg passed harmlessly on the port side just as Phlebas and Bob Inder, alerted by the violent manoeuvring, returned to the bridge. Seeing them, Loxuru vanished out of the opposite door, but the newcomer remained.
“What the hell,” demanded the Captain, “is going on? And who the hell are you?”
“My name, sir, is Jeeves. Please pardon my intrusion onto your bridge, Captain, but I conceived the notion, based upon the behaviour of the ship, that Miss Moore might value some assistance.”
Barb mopped her brow. “Too right I valued your assistance. Thank you, Jeeves.”
“It was my pleasure, Miss.”
“Yes. Thank you Jeeves.” Considering that Jeeves had just saved his career, not to mention his life, Captain Inder could have showed a bit more gratitude, but Jeeves was nonetheless gracious.
“Please don’t mention it, Captain. It was the least I could do. Good day to you.” With a bow, he quit the bridge.
“Phlebas, take the helm.”
“Sir.”
“And get her back on speed and on course.”
“Very good, sir.”
“And as for you, Moore, what were you thinking of?”
“I don’t know, sir, I….”
“Don’t you know how to steer this ship?”
“Yes, sir, but I…”
“HMS Malins yesterday! An iceberg today! What’s next?”
“I’m sorry, sir, I….”
“Did I or did I not warn you yesterday of the consequences of poor seamanship?”
“You did, sir, but I….”
“I’m very reluctant to do this, and it will hurt me more than it will hurt you, but it’s forty lashes for you!”
“Forty, sir?! I…..”
“Isn’t that enough? Would you prefer sixty?”
“No, sir, I…”
“Right, come on then! To the for’ard mast with you!”
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
“Determination” ... my personal motto!
I was hoping he would forget about that near miss. Thrashing? What-ho ... bit extreme wouldn’t you say? Was only a fender bender. Barely lost any paint.
Some guys do have delightful looking asses
Classic me
In public? Topless? No, not naked! Please! With everyone watching? Including the diners who lost their meals? With sea salt in the air?
Oh Shit!!!!!!
Some blokes have all the luck.Whether your cute ass is available?
Nobody ever admired my monocle
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
Why complain? Your aunt and her bullwhip are after your's!Some blokes have all the luck.
Nobody ever admired my monocle
Some blokes have all the luck.
Nobody ever admired my monocle
Is that what you call it?
Hard to admire anything when I am bound spreadeagled face down on the old four poster.
I thought this happens at the ship's mast...Is that what you call it?
Hard to admire anything when I am bound spreadeagled face down on the old four poster.
We knew she would complain... Is 40 lashes really enough?Oh good! Under cover of darkness! Less humiliating!
Jeevespeak for 'left hand down a bit'
I'm glad you understand Jeevespeak. I haven't got the foggiest idea what he's on about most of the time.
Fortunately, owing to the depth of her training and experience, Barb was able to follow his instructions.
Aren't shipboard floggings a bit out of date? Fortunately, owing to the depth of her training and experience, Barb was able to follow his instructions.
I've been known to be a quick study ...
windar
Teller of Tales
Normally, I think Moore tends to get what she deserves, but in this case, the fault lies enitirely wiith Captain Inder. He left the bridge in a region of the North Atlantic known to be riddled with icebergs at this time of year. There is no evidence Moore did anything wrong. Nor does the Captain of a civilian ocean liner have the authority to flog anyone. This is an outrage!