jacksjg89
PROCRASTINATOR
Inspired by Philip Pullman’s book of Grimm Fairy Tales, though he’d probably be appalled by what I wrote. Frog Prince is the first story in his collection, but this is more inspired by his intro, where he says they are not text, so retell them, make it your own.
This was suppose to be an easy simple story, which is why none of the characters have names. Turned out to be 20 pages long. Comments, critiques, and suggestions are always encouraged.
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I.
Once upon a time there was a King who was both kind and just, and beloved by all his subjects. It’s a fairy tale, just go with it.
His fair treatment of the peasants had angered the nobility of the surrounding kingdoms, whose people were beginning to lobby for similar reform. Surrounded by enemies, the King’s loyal advisors suggested he make an alliance by marrying off his only daughter, the Princess, to a powerful prince. The King, who retained a severe lack of concern of being invaded by a foreign enemy having his head stuck on a pike while his daughter became the plaything of his enemies and his people became enslaved, did invite a number of suitors to his castle, but did nothing to pressure his child to accepting any of them.
Which she did not. None of the princes suitable. Aesthetics was not the issue, as all the men who came to win her hand were refined, sophisticated, most handsome, pleasing to look at, or in some cases fucking hot. But the problem was one it is difficult for a good person such as yourself to understand. The princes were like angels, in that angels, unlike man and woman, did not know the difference between good and evil. The Princess read Milton. These men had an absence of evil in their manner, and though it might have been just for etiquette, and that once they were married they might show their freaky side, she wouldn’t take such a chance.
So to avoid unwanted male society during the day, she would go outside the castle with her closest friend, a young Witch who it was said had singled handedly vanquished the Green Prince and the Hordes of the Black Marshes, and who had been rescued by the Princess’s father. The Witch and the Princess walked together in the fields, making lewd jokes about the Princess’s and discussing foreign affairs, as well as court gossip. The one place they always stayed clear of was the ponds, and the Witch made the Princess promise never to go there. She wanted to ask why, but the Witches manner disturbed her a little, for it was the only time she saw fear in her friend's face, so she let it be.
But one day her friend unable to walk with her, due to an appointment with one of the Princes, so the Princess wandered off by herself, and without her friend to redirect her she found herself at the ponds. She had received many gifts from the suitor princes, mostly portraits of herself that she didn’t need. However, one prince, who she might have considered if he wasn’t so awkwardly antisocial, gave her something called a fidget spinner. It’s a fidget that spins. Even though she couldn’t figure out what she was to do with it, the little thing fascinated her, and she tinkered with it near the edge of the pond until she accidentally dropped it, and landing on the water it skipped magnificently across the pond until it hit a tree on the other side and began to sink to the bottom.
Dismayed that such a fascinating toy have been lost, hurried along to the edge of the pond, and saw that it was not only several meter deep, but very dirty. Fungus was growing on the rocks and the rocks were the color of rust. And the only sign of life in this cesspool was a Kangaroo playing the electric banjo.
Just kidding, of course it was a goddamn sleazy ass Frog.
“What is troubling you Princess?” Asked the frog in a strangely deep, powerful voice.
The Princess was unfazed by the talking amphibian, assuming it was one of the witches ex-boyfriends she’d taught a lesson and that this was the reason she wanted to avoid this place. “I accidently dropped by fidget spinner and it fell into the bottom of the pond.”
The frog used one of his rubbery fingers to scratch his head. “Fidget spinners? I’d never heard of one of those before. Pray tell, what does it do?”
“I don’t know,” the Princess whined, “But it’s really cool and I want it back.”
“And how might this be achieved?” asked the Frog, sleazily.
“Well,” said the Princess, considering, “I guess I’ll have to dive in for it.” She was very enthusiastic about this prospect.
“What?” said the frog, incredulous. “You can’t go diving into filthy swamps in your expensive dress. Imagine what they’d say to you at the castle when you come trudging back in a muddy little costume. They’d probably mistake you for a peasant girl and turn you from the gate.”
“Well,” said the Princess, conceding his point, “I’ll have to take it off.”
“And what about your shoes and stockings, dear Princess.” Said the frog, shifted uncomfortably on his lily pad, “They are worth more than the combined annual income of all the peasants who made it.”
“I’ll take them off too I guess,” said the Princess, knowing full well this was what the Frog wanted to hear.
“And I assume you have a set of very comfortable underwear that would be ruined by a dip in here. No matter to you of course, ruining a nice bit of silk. Others wouldn’t be able to afford the sacrifice.” And even though it was a disgusting little Frog, it still found a way to smirk insufferably.
“OK,” said the Princess, tired of this creatures interjections. “What do you suppose I do?”
“Go in naked my dear,” said the Frog. “Pile all your clothes on that rock over there and go in your birthday suit and retrieve your little toy.”
“Great idea,” said the Princess, expressionlessly. “Should I do a sensual dance to the gods for good luck before going it?”
“Couldn’t hurt,” said the Frog, eager at the direction the conversation was going.
“I’m gonna get one of my father's guards,” the Princess said, matter of factly.
“Or,” said the Frog, before the Princess could make some comment about her dining on frogs legs that evening, “You’ll allow me the honor of retrieving the contraption for your highness.”
The Princess stared at the little monster hard for a few seconds before saying, “I’ll allow you the honor of retrieving my fidget spinner.”
The frog held his rubbery hand to his mouth in a show of coughing. “I apologize. I misspoke. I asked that you allow me to make a deal for the return of your object.”
Thinking of how she should have listened to her friend, the Witch, and never gone near this place, and saddened by the fact that she would never have a conversation about the Frog, for to do so would be to expose her betrayal, the Princess none the less decided to continue her entertainingly hateful interaction with the little creature. “I see,” she said. “What terms are you proposing?”
“That strongly depends,” said the Frog, “What terms would be accepted.”
“I’ll agree to any terms you put forward.” She said this mostly motivated by her desire to hear what the Frog might have to say. And it was true that she would accept the terms. She had no intention of following thru with them.
“Such sweeter words I have never heard,” said the Frog, before going into a business like tone. “In exchange for me retrieving your sidget finner you will consent to being my slave. You will give up all your clothes and wear only chains. If there is hair on your cunt it will need to be shaved off. I like my bitches smooth. You will see to my every need and obey my every command. If I hold out my glass, you will fill it with wine. If I present my cock, you will suck it dry. If I command it so, you will kiss my lips. If I beat you, you will thank me. If I torture you, you will tell me that you love me. If I tell you to worship god, you will bow down before me and caress my feet with your mouth. These are my terms.”
The Princess was stunned. Her stare was frozen. There was building up at the back of her throat, but she held it back.
“I hesitate to bring this up,” said the Frog. “But you did promise to agree to my terms. A smart person would have waited to hear….”
“I agree to your terms,” she said, shortly, though a small smile was creeping in at the edge of her lips.
“Right then,” said the Frog, diving down into the deep and leaving a lily pad with a hole in it.
The Princess was cracking up hard. She had never heard anything so depraved or deranged as the world previously spoken by a talking insect eater. She actually might have been impressed had one of her suitors proposed to her in such a manner, but coming from a Frog it was kind of cutely pathetic. Definitely not the Witches type. She likes her independence. The Princess did wonder though what kind of man he was before.
When the fidget spinner reached the service, she had forgotten it existed. The little green thing was holding it out to her, and she had a mind to just turn around and walk away. Since she didn’t take it from him, he had not returned it to her, and as any mediocre lawyer could argue, the terms of the deal had been met. But since the little frog had no access to any lawyers, and since she wanted to leave him feeling that the world was unfair, and because she foresaw in the future she might get really bored, she did take it from him. They grinned at each other as the object passed hands.
“Most excellent,” said the Frog, “Now, I would like you to strip completely naked, every scrap of clothing off, and throw it in the pond. We’ll need to find a blacksmith and get you fitted for some fetters, and then we’ll have some brutal fun. But first things first, I command you to kiss-”
“My ass,” said the Princess, mentally high-fiving herself as she turned her back to the pond and proceeded to walk away.
“Wait,” said the Frog, a satisfying amount of panic in his voice. “You’re my slave, and you’re to obey my every word.”
“Uh. No.” Said the Princess, rubbing it in. “Last I checked I was the King's daughter and you are a little perverted toad.”
“But our deal, you promised. You must keep your end of the bargain.” He was starting to lose it. And the Princess was content to keep rubbing it in.
“I’m sorry, are you saying something? I’m only hearing ‘ribbits’.” The laughter she had been holding back was flying out of her throat.
“The deal you royal cunt! I got your stupid thing, and now you give up your freedom and be my slave and kiss me, you completely useless slut,” the Frog screamed after her,
“Oh, the deal. Well, here’s the thing. I only honor fair deals. If you were going to retrieve my fidget spinner for say, one dead flies, or a renovation of your pond, or a reprieve from becoming tomorrow night’s appetizer, that would be fair. The kind of creature that can request even a kiss, or even a gentle hug for retrieving something I’m not even sure I want from somewhere accessible to me, however inconvenient, is the kind of creature that deserves to go through life feeling alone and disappointed and betrayed. I feel like throwing this thing back into the pond to show you how little I care about it, but that would suggest I care about how you feel the tiniest bit, which I don’t. So…. see ya sucka!”
And with that she sailed away, flowing in the wind of unsavory insults, which the Princess found kind of tantalizing. If she ever agreed to marry anyone, she might ask that he call her a filthy slutty fucking cunt whore in bed. She could get off on that.
I like our princess. It won't help her, probably, but she's got good spirit. 
