Chapter 1: Earth
“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome home!” Wragg smiled at the familiar blue disc shown on the view screen with its white, wispy clouds. Earth. Home. Sitting outside the Dog and Duck with a pint of beer watching cricket on the village green. After a year in deep space, he couldn’t wait to be back in dear old England. He grinned at Repertor. “Great to be back, isn’t it, Mr Repertor?”
“Indeed it is, Captain,” agreed Repertor, “only…”
“Only what?”
“Lieutenant Marcella! Zoom in on the Star fleet, please!”
“Very good, sir!”
Concerned, Wragg looked back at the screen, as Marcella did as Repertor had asked. Three ships, not four. Cruxton Abbey was supposed to be the last of the five to return home.
“Which one’s missing, Repertor?”
“NCC-1107, that’s the flagship, Virgin Martyr….NCC-2332, Phlebas is home with Crux Australis..
“NCC-217, Tree’s brought the Missouri home, so where the hell’s Angelus Mortus?”
“Scan for distress signals!” snapped Wragg. Bloody Jollyrei, keeping him from his pint.
Marcella gazed intently at her instruments. “No distress signals, sir. Virgin Martyr is signalling the Angelus Mortus, but she’s getting no reply.“
Wragg addressed Yupar, at the helm. “Our berth is just astern of the flagship, Miss Yupar. Are you happy docking her there?” Yupar was utterly reliable, he knew she could dock the Cruxton Abbey without any further help from him. Yupar smiled, and called the controller to get permission to dock ahead of a liner full of tourists returning from a tour of Saturn’s rings.
“Should we be worried about Jollyrei?” he asked Repertor. “He’s got Barb on board. And Thessela. Anything could have happened!”
Repertor smiled. Barbara Moore was Jollyrei’s Science Officer, and Thessela his Comms Officer, they were both famous for getting into scrapes of one kind or another. "Well, Captain, you know Barb....."
“Captain Wragg?” Marcella interrupted, “Admiral Eulalia would like to see you as soon as we’ve docked.”
Wragg watched Yupar skilfully manoeuvring the ship into dock. “Present my compliments and tell her I should be with her in twenty minutes.”
“Sir!”
Wragg grabbed the microphone to address the ship’s company. “Now hear this! Captain Wragg speaking. You’ll have seen we’re back in Earth orbit. Unfortunately, however, one of the fleet has failed to return, so I’m sorry, but there’ll be no leave until we know more.”
The collective groan was audible even from the bridge.
Seconds later, the bridge door beeped and opened. “Which ship is missing, sir? Please tell me it’s not Angelus Mortus!”
Wragg turned. Damn! He should have remembered Siss Little before blaring out news of a missing ship. She and Barb were engaged. The wedding was planned for a week’s time….
“Dr Little, I’m really sorry. Yes. It is Lt Moore’s ship. Listen, it’s probably nothing to worry about….”
It needed a woman’s touch. Wragg had all the sensitivity and tact of a bull elephant. Marcella raced across and caught Siss, who looked as though she was going to faint.
Yupar leaned back, and stretched. “Ship docked, Captain!”
“Nicely done, Yupar, as always!”
“Thank you, sir!”
**********************************************
Nineteen and a half minutes later, and Wragg was saluting the Admiral.
“At ease, Captain, take a seat.”
“Thank you, ma’am.” Wragg sat.
“Not a peep from Jollyrei.”
“No, ma’am.”
“He should have been here four hours ago. I spoke to him just before we warped. He was just making preparations to leave. He had a shorter warp than we had.”
“Maybe he hit something in warp space?”
“You know he couldn’t have. All that Callistium exploding at once? It would have been like a supernova. Your Lt Marcella would have spotted it in a second. Besides, the odds against it are billions to one. ”
“Which planet did he go to?”
“The Wolf 1061 system. He was at Wolf 1061d. He found no life more advanced than slug-like creatures.”
“More interesting than Gliese 682b. Most exciting thing we found was moss.”
Eulalia sighed. None of the ships had even come close to finding intelligent life. In fact the Wolf 1061d slugs represented the most advanced life forms found so far. The plan was to have some home leave for a month, then head to the 61 Virginis system.
Suddenly Wragg’s communicator buzzed urgently. The display read ‘MARCELLA CALLING’.
“Mind if I take this, Ma’am? Marcella knows I’m in a meeting; she’d only call if it was urgent.”
“Go ahead.” Eulalia nodded.
“Wragg here. What’s up, Lieutenant?....... That’s excellent! Yes, I’ll tell the Admiral. Put him on the screen here as soon as he makes contact. Well done, Lieutenant!”
“That sounded like good news?”
“The best. That Marcella is one smoking hot Communications Officer, Ma’am. She’s detected warping space. The Angelus Mortus must be coming home!”
“Thank God for that!”
“Bridge to Admiral Eulalia!”
“Go ahead, Hansi!”
“Starship arriving, Ma’am! Positively confirmed as Angelus Mortus!”
“Marcella has contact, Ma’am!” Wragg pointed his communicator at the screen, and there sat Lieutenant Commander Alan Jollyrei.
“What ho, Jollyrei! Better late than never – you nearly missed the party!”
Jollyrei stared blankly at the screen. “We come in peace.”
“Glad to hear it, old boy.” Wragg frowned slightly. It seemed an odd sort of greeting, but Wragg had forwarded a highly entertaining image of Jollyrei in the middle of a sea of naked girls at the departure party to Mrs Jollyrei at home in Canada. Jollyrei might well have been harbouring a grudge. It was a good thing if he was prepared to forgive and forget.
“Welcome home, Commander,” said Eulalia. “Make your report to me here in 45 minutes, could you?”
“We come in peace.”
“So you said….” Eulalia squinted at the screen. Her mouth opened in shock. “Jollyrei, what have you done to Lt Moore?”
Wragg stared at the screen in disbelief. Barbara Moore had been nailed, naked, to a cross at the back of the bridge.
“I say, Jollyrei, that’s a bit harsh, don’t you know? I know Barb can be a bit fractious at times, but crucifixion is stretching the regulations a bit far!”
Jollyrei turned away to look at Barb. Aghast, Wragg and Eulalia simultaneously saw the slug firmly attached to the back of his head.
Jollyrei turned back to Eulalia.“We come in peace. It is her deepest desire. It is mankind’s deepest desire. We intend to crucify every man and woman as a sign of our peace.”
“What do you mean, it’s her deepest desire?”
“We read her mind. She visited our planet, and we read her mind. The first thinking lifeforms we have encountered. She brought us back to your spaceship, and here we have granted her deepest desire.”
There was a stunned silence while Wragg and Eulalia digested this. At length Wragg spoke. “Admiral Eulalia, I fear we may have underestimated those slugs.”
Eulalia’s eyes widened in shock. “But….but…. “
“But the crew of the Missouri were also down on Wolf 1061d.” Wragg, helpfully, completed the sentence. “I’ll ring Tree.”
“He’s already back on Earth!”
Fumbling his communicator, Wragg selected Tree, pressed ‘Call’, and pointed the device at the screen.
“Tree, Wragg here. Just checking you got home OK?”
Tree appeared on the screen. The familiar hat, the familiar dark glasses. For a second Wragg was relieved. Until he spotted at least a hundred crosses on a hill behind him, each with a naked, screaming occupant. Some of his crew were in the process of nailing yet another shrieking woman to a cross.
“We come in peace,” said Tree.
......and it seems Barb can't go anywhere without ending up naked and crucified, not even in outer space
"fractious"??????? WTF .... I am naked and bleeding here.... and all you can talk about is "fractious" and "regulations"???
Thank you so much. Being crucified might be Barb's and your greatest desire, but I can assure you that having a space slug attached to my head is not mine. 
We had set up a party to welcome the alians when they came to our planet. While we were dancing we read this specimen's mind.
