“What the Hell,” asked a voice, “are you two clowns gawping at?”
Monty Crusto and Twonines jumped like a pair of scalded cats.
Twonines was even more sorely afraid of Master Loxuru than he was of the angels. “W-we’re looking at those angels!”
Loxuru gazed directly at Wragg who, embarrassed, attempted to shield his manhood from the piercing gaze of the Proprietor of Loxuru’s Luxurious Woollens, the largest woollen mill in Judea.
“I see no angels! All I can see is a large flock of entirely unwatched sheep! You two are FIRED!”
“But… “
“BARB! GET BACK HERE!!!!” The crack of thunder that accompanied Jollyrei’s outburst was heard by Loxuru, who was just about to add the crime of neglecting sheep in a thunderstorm to the shepherds' charge sheet when Barb, ever so gently, kissed him on his eyelids.
Loxuru opened his eyes, and immediately had a heavenly vision. No mortal in human history had ever been that close to an angel’s breasts and the impact was both startling and instantaneous.
He fell to his knees in the snow and reached out for Barb who, finally obeying Jollyrei’s command, flew back up to her position, narrowly avoiding Loxuru's grasping hands.
“Come back, my angel… come back, my angel… come back, my angel…” Loxuru, wide-eyed, repeated over and over.
“See what you’ve done, Barb?” Jollyrei was livid. “How could you get so close to a mortal man? The poor bugger will never be the same. How is his poor wife supposed to live up to that?”
“It was his own fault!” She grumbled. “My face is up here, you know! Ogling my heavenly body like that. It’s not fair. But at least those poor shepherds get to keep their jobs!”
“Quit whingeing and consider yourself lucky! One more second and the shock would have killed him! What did I say about you being accident prone, you must be more careful! Anyway, let’s get this done before we have any more disasters! So, forget the Latin. Now then, 1…2…3…”
“Glory to God in the Highest, and peace and goodwill to all men on earth…”
“And to women on earth rest and a break from the washing up,” added Barb, ad lib.
Jollyrei took a deep breath, but, drawing on all his archangelic forbearance, ignored her. He decided that he’d better pass his message and then he could get back to the Heaven’s Gate café for a much needed cup of coffee.
“DO NOT BE AFRAID!!!” he thundered, adding in a couple of cracks of lightning for good measure. That snapped Loxuru out of his trance, and, satisfied by the expression of pure terror on Monty and Twonine’s faces, he proceeded.
“I bring you tidings of Great Joy!” he announced. “Today in the City of David a Saviour has been born, he is your Messiah. And this will be a sign to you, you will find the baby wrapped in cloth, laying in a manger. And again, 2,3,4… Glory to God in the Highest and peace and goodwill to all on Earth.” He glared at Barb, threw in a couple more bolts of lightning, and prepared to depart. Wragg, pale, looked relieved.
“Just a minute, not so fast!” Twonines called out to them.
“What now? What part of ‘you’ll find the baby in a manger’ didn’t you understand?
“It didn’t rhyme.”
“It didn’t….” Jollyrei was lost for words.
“How about this,” Monty Crusto only wanted to be helpful. “For Tidings I bring of Great Joy, Today has been born a young boy, So don’t be a stranger, go look for a manger, Remember to take him a toy.”
“Are you taking this seriously? That is comic verse! We can’t announce the Coming of the Messiah with a Limerick!”
“With a what?” chorused Twonines and Monty, in perfect unison.
“Jollyrei, if we’re going to have a long conversation about poetry theory, would you mind if I went down and sat by their fire?” groaned Wragg, “Only I’m feeling a bit cold and dizzy…”
“Yes, I bloody well would mind!” exploded Jollyrei. “Barb and Wragg, get back to Heaven this instant, and wait for me in my office! You two Shepherds, and you Master Loxuru – get yourselves into Bethlehem and worship… and if you dare to quote Limericks in that stable, I’ll… I’ll turn this lot into lamb chops and leave you, Loxuru a heap of scorched wool to turn into stuff to flog to the Romans!” The lightning cracked unbidden. Jollyrei was truly furious.
With one last clap of thunder, the angels were gone, and Loxuru, Montycrusto and Twonines were alone. Loxuru had returned to repeating 'Come back, my angel,' over and over. Twonines wondered if he'd ever regain his senses.
Monty thought for a moment, then looked at Twonines.
“Okay, so the blighter doesn’t like Limericks. How about this?
Hark the Herald angels whinge!
Hear them moan, and see them cringe!
Behold Wragg – he’s gripped with woe
For he suffers vertigo!
Seems this angel might be sick
Vainly tries to hide his dick!
Naked in the sky he’s seen!
But he’s turned a shade of green!
Hark the Herald angels whinge!
Hear them moan, and see them cringe!
There flies Barb, up in the air
She’s not got a thing to wear!
Shepherds see, by heavenly light
Barb’ra’s little ass so tight;
Loxuru is now in fits
At the sight of Bar’bra’s tits
Yea, exposed to human eyes
She with indignation cries!
Hark the Herald angels whinge!
Hear them moan, and see them cringe!
In the centre, Jollyrei
Is not having a good day!
For his head is giving pain
As he hears these two complain.
Though he thought his song was fine
Shepherds said it didn’t rhyme!
He thought things could not get worse
Till they quoted comic verse!
Hark the Herald angels whinge!
Hear them moan, and see them cringe!
Golden angels, though they seem
Radiant with celestial beam
They’re not all they’re said to be
They can be like you and me!
Though within the sky so bright
They still love their asses tight
And, it’s by the Grace of God
They all love a heav’nly bod!
Why should Herald Angels whinge?
Living an eternal binge!"
A very Merry Christmas to all Cruxforumers!
