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Now This Just Isn't Funny
- Thread starter admihoek
- Start date
Hugin&Munin
Presenter Of Images
A picture from "Alucard" that I found a long time ago and now want to show everyone here.
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
"One of our space ships is missing in the Alpha Centauri system. There were three crew members on board!"
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was..
CELEBRATE"
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was..
CELEBRATE"
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman......
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman......
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
DirkZ
Governor
How many times as she been crucified?
ledoux
Governor
They're regular customers at Crux Park, so as many as she wanted. I see you're fairly new here, so here's the Crux Park brochure.
Hugin&Munin
Presenter Of Images
Sometimes it is damn difficult to motivate yourself to perform at your best. But sometimes the motivation finds you.
Hugin&Munin
Presenter Of Images
I think that used to be an interesting book.
ledoux
Governor
Last edited:
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
Ich fahr fahr fahr auf die Autobahn!
(after Kraftwerk).
I have it on my bookshelf, by the way!
Naraku
Draconarius
Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer.
*
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
*
People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.
*
They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I've done the math. Seems I died in 1537.
*
I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.
*
Had I known in March 2020 that it was the last time I would be in a restaurant I would have ordered the dessert.
*
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I've missed my exit.
*
(This one is totally true):
Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
*
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
*
People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.
*
They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I've done the math. Seems I died in 1537.
*
I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.
*
Had I known in March 2020 that it was the last time I would be in a restaurant I would have ordered the dessert.
*
I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I've missed my exit.
*
(This one is totally true):
Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
