How quick the descent into Tartarus has been... just a few months ago I was a well regarded though somewhat bored daughter of a great senator... waiting for whatever marriage arrangements he was negotiating for me, to come to fruition.
Then the eyes of the feared Emperor turned to me.
Again and again he called upon me to attend to his wicked games.
From then on, my family and I lived in fear, as we knew how it ends when he tires of his playthings ...
if you are very lucky you end up banished in exile, but often it's worse ...
And of course the marriage prospect collapsed ...
while it should be a great honor to receive such attention from the Emperor,
in truth it's whispered everywhere that it's a mark of fate for all but those sycophants who form his inner circle of depravity.
I've lived in constant fear of his molestations since that time...
can my heart be blamed for seeking solace, and perhaps finding it in an unexpected place?
I had never cared for gladiators, considering them not much more than beasts.
But having learned that the highest men of power in this realm are indeed beasts,
I discovered something else there ...
and found bief but blissful moments of love in the arms of one of them ...
the champion Loxurus.
Oh how my heart fluttered and panicked when he had to risk his life again and again ...
but then, at least I have known true passion,
and how alive I felt, how the blood rushed, when he was victorious and so we could love again, until the next challenge of fate ...
I learned to hope.
And hope means the idea of a better world ...
a world without this evil Emperor ...
a dream that was rising in many minds ...
and so we became part of those who saw on the horizon: a better Rome, and asked how we could get there...
... who and what had to be moved aside to get there, the true Rome ...
I learned to hope...
... until today.
When the show had become even more grotesque, the demented Emperor forcing me to witness the feeding of his hound ...
and then my love defeated and damned to death in the san ...
and then... thesecruel eyes upon me, his wicked mouth moving, asking me to make the decision ...
Was it wrong what I did?
Did the Emperor know?
If not, he was only playing a cruel game.
Maybe my part was that of the naive girl who couldn't stand cruelty?
I could at least try.
If he knew, we would all die anyway.
But ... the reason it was the right thing to do, is that it was so unexpected.
The news of my pardon for Loxurus ran like wildfire through the stadium and leaped outside...
far quicker than any warning or rumor whispered among co-conspirators.
All who held our dream, all who were on our team ... they would understand what it meant, they would be warned!
With a snap of his finger I'm marched down the stairs, each of my arms in the vicelike grip of a praetorian.
So long as there is still daylight I retain illusions of due process...
that surely under threat of harsh punishment I'll be intensively questioned ... as a senator's daughter ... if there are charges they will be named ...
But that is the other Rome, the Rome of dreams, that isn't here toda ...
my clothes are torn off of me, the dread master of torments forces his vile member into my mouth but then chucks me away like a sack of rotten onions and goes on to violently defile my poor friend Cathia who has been consigned to the same fate as me!
As I struggle to recover I see how many people, many of them well known to me, have already been thrown into this pit of despair...
but forgive me for fixating my attention on my brave Loxurus.
I no longer have any illusions.
We will die; the last hope is to die together.
As a gladiator, he has seen a lot of death, given it also, and pondered it more than most.
He probably knows how to die well...
I'll just have to ... learn as it happens ...