The conclusion has become a little longer, so two more chapters follow. In doing so, I pull the bow back a little to the main story...
Appendix VII – Dangerous Adventures
Cooled down by the wind for hours, I get a violent fever, the whiplash wounds only want to heal slowly, my vulva has become infected and after all the rapes and violations I have a bad infection in my vagina. I have burning itching and purulent drains that smell unpleasant. I still feel dirty and after the hard pushes of the men deep into my lap I can feel a dull tug in my abdomen for days. It seems to me as if God wanted to punish me for my fornication in the pillory, even though I was forced to do so. “Sin remains sin,” says my mother, who takes care of me. She scares me, instead of calming me down.
I feel like I'm going to die and the thought doesn't even scare me. I can only get back on my feet with difficulty. But maybe God will understand that I have suffered and atone enough, and the disease will ultimately prevent an unwanted pregnancy, which would bring me even more misery and shame...
After I got over the fever, the burning pain in my back and the bad itching of my vagina, my physical condition slowly improves, but my menstrual period stops and I am very worried. My fear grows day by day, I feel sadness and despair. When I finally feel a pull one morning inside my uterus and I'm bleeding between my legs, a heavy load falls from me. I am so relieved, after weeks I suddenly feel happy again and I get hope...
But as a young widow and adulteress who was pilloried four times, was publicly violated, whipped naked and chastised, the shame for me in this city is almost unbearable. Worst of all is the thought of not knowing which men raped me at the pillory...
Surely there are people here who accept that I have been severely punished for my sins and have repented. I have even been approached by complete strangers who told me how brave I was and that they felt sorry for me. But these are only a few...
Many women look at me contemptuously, but some men smile kindly or grin. That scares me because I don't know whether they only saw me naked in the pillory and under the whip ... or whether they fucked me. I can't stand the looks of pious women who think they're better people. But the looks of the men frighten me. I tremble when they smile at me, even if they might just be showing pity. I hide; I sew and embroider in my room. I hardly dare to leave the house, even though it's getting summer.
In church I am greeted as a 'repentant sinner' and have to kneel down on the floor at the back. After that, I will not go to mass again and I will only pray secretly. My younger sisters Irmgard and Inge keep trying to encourage me, but I see my brother Hugo with worried looks.
As a woman says to my face, “Get out of my sight, whore!” I decide: I can't live like this! Never again I’ll find the respect I seek here. Even the few people who spoke to me and gave me courage did it when no one else was watching ... They don't want to be seen with me either...
Here I will forever depend on my parents and siblings to look after me. Here, at some point, after a life without joy, I will die in grief and sorrow.
Hildegard feels ashamed and hides from people whose looks are frightening her... But she can't live like that
So Hildegard moves away to seek her happiness elsewhere; but that was a very dangerous adventure for a young woman traveling alone at that time. Several times she has to make ends meet as a whore in order to get some money, food, help or protection...
Full of hope, I set off with some money and the bare minimums that I pack in a bag that I carry over my back. I'm moving away to where nobody knows me.
I experience friendly people, but also those who despise me as a weak woman or who want to take advantage of me. Finally I find Bruno, a monk who lives as a hermit at an old water mill. He understands my need, he helps me and I will soon trust him. He tells me, "You can stay with me for a while if you keep your distance and live as chastely as I do."
I don't have any problem with that, on the contrary, he gives me a little security and he doesn't press me as a women, he's a good friend. Bruno doesn't speak much, but he is happy when I entertain him. On a rainy day he says to me: "On cloudy days, your beautiful face is like the sun to me ..." Unfortunately, I don't immediately understand what that means.
Something changed him, suddenly I'm no longer the sun for him; he wants to see a witch in me. Through 'evil sorcery' I arouse desires inside him that he has renounced. But I don't know anything about it and I still trust him. One day I feel restless and I come back earlier from my tour through meadows, forests and the nearby village. Is it a premonition?
When I get to the watermill, I notice that Bruno is not alone. My subconscious warns me to be careful. So I hear Bruno's absurd accusations against me, but also like a somber-looking inquisitor says, "We'll come early tomorrow morning, arrest Hildegard and prepare her torture." Then I see Bruno accept a silver coin. "There's more when we've got her in chains ... even more when the witch is burned," the gloomy man says.
"Please don't torture the girl so severely," I hear Bruno say, but the inquisitor replies: "She’s a wicked witch, she must be tormented viciously!"
Bruno's betrayal shakes me. I know what threatens witches ... Not just the pyre, before that the torture awaits me. In dire need I grab my sack and run away. I can escape before they pick me up, ask the embarrassing question, and torture me to the point of confession.
Evil accusations and flight in dire straits ... because she kindles feelings in a monk that shouldn't exist... Hildegard cannot really trust anyone. (The picture is taken from the cover of the novel 'The Witch of Zeil')
I run, choose remote paths, I hide in the forest. Fortunately for me, nobody knows where I've gone. I eat mushrooms and berries, and only three days later do I dare to go back to a village to buy bread and cheese. But I realize that as a strange woman, I always attract attention.
I move on restlessly, I don't choose straight stretches, looking for places where they don't look for me, where definitely nobody knows me. But as a young woman who travels around alone and without protection, I find little respect and dangers lurk everywhere.
The thought haunts me that in the eyes of some people I am not just a sinner girl - who has atoned - but that they see me as a witch. A traveling preacher speaks to me in a friendly manner and gives me something to eat. I'm careful and tell little about myself. He showers me with Bible texts, and then he explained to me: “You are a young widow; you are particularly in danger to be seduced by the devil. Take care of yourself... only a life of strict chastity may help and save you!"
He gives me advice on how to behave. When men desire me, I should turn away and whip my seductive breasts with thin twigs until the pain turns into cozy warmth ... When I feel the sinful lust of my thighs, I should torment my pussy with nettles, thorns or thistles until I feel deeply relieved and chaste again...
"You have to punish yourself seriously to get back purity and chastity."
More out of curiosity than concern, I try to follow his advice. I know severe pain in my breasts and between my legs, so I don't have to be afraid. I start carefully, but it hurts. It must hurt! I will continue. First I hit thin twigs against my breasts, first gently, then more and more severely until my breasts glow. Then it's time for my pussy to atone. I push thistles between my legs and squeeze them together. I push the thistles into my pussy, first a little, then deeper; and again I close my legs. Oh, that really hurts!
Finally I reach for the burning nettles. I protect my hands, but first I hit the breasts then my pussy. Everything bites and burns, but actually I feel good afterwards... But more because I had the courage to voluntarily repent... I also want to prick myself with thorns, but I give up, it hurts too much.
After a few more attempts, I avoid nettles, thistles, thorn bushes and whipping branches again. The good feeling never lasts long; then it itches, burns and bites again... Worse still, my pussy demands even more attention and she wants to be comforted. Instead, I seek calm and prayer.
The preacher scares me, I'm moving on. Some days calm, others as if rushed and rejected. I'm wandering from one place to another. I'm often hungry, but I still try not to steal. Even as a thief, I am flogged and I don't want to arouse people's anger. Sometimes I enjoy my freedom, but often sorrow and worries cloud my mind.
Hildegard hides, she's tormented by hardship and worries; she feels rejected by people. Often she has fears from which she cannot escape.
It is summer; I sleep somewhere on the edge of the field, but I am watched on my way and secretly followed. Two guys come over one evening and rape me. One threatens me with a knife, while the other one rips open my shirt and then my skirt.
"Show us what you have to offer", with these words my long undershirt is also torn. "Oh no, my only clothes," I think, startled. The sun has already set, but in the light of dusk they stare at me enthusiastically. “You are a godsend,” says one.
They ask me if I will submit my fate. Terrified, I nod my forced consent. I stay on the ground and open my legs. "Smart girl... Wow, your tits aren't bad, really more than I expected!" The other says. Then they use me and play with my fears.
The first lies down on me and rams brutally and deeply into my pussy, he kneads and presses my breasts. I feel he wants to hurt me, he wants to possess me. I am completely dry, my vagina is cramping, and everything is fighting inside me. It really hurts. I try to accept it; I try to relax, even though I don't want to. But it is better to be endured that way.
I feel how he is pushing deep into me again and again, as if he wants to pierce me. And again I feel his rough hands kneading my breasts like bread dough. When I ask whoever is lying on top of me not to be so rude, he pinches my nipples viciously until I moan. "Do you like it better that way?"
When I shake my head, he continues to fuck me hard and kneads deep into my boobs again. I'm filled with fear and pain. Finally the brutal guy moans satisfied and rolls away from me.
The second guy is a bit calmer and less rude, but he too wants to dominate me; he keeps making me kiss him. When I turn my head away, the other scratches my nipples with the knife.
"Come on, kiss!" I obey. "Good thing, good girl..."
“Stay calm, be nice to us and do what we ask!” “Oh please ...” “Be quiet! All girls can make men happy... If you are well behaved, nothing will happen to you!"
When both of them have violated me, I think that they are satisfied and I fearfully hope that they will leave me alone. I am wrong. “We don't find a girl like you at the edge of the forest every day!”
I have to turn around and they fuck me from behind again. The brutal guy chokes me; he demands that I move my ass. A little later he lies heavily on my back, licking and biting my neck. How should I move? I'm afraid and I try.
Time goes by infinitely slowly while I'm lying on the hard and cold ground, he fucks me from behind and I have to move my ass for him. He grunts and says he wants to fuck me like this all night. When he finally comes, he chokes me again. I lie there, completely exhausted. My squeezed boobs hurt, my pussy feels torn.
But the other also wants his 'right'. He tells me to be grateful that they take so much time with me and are 'nice' to me. For him I have to squat on all fours and he pushes my hips back and forth so that I fuck him. My boobs wobble in the moonshine and again my pussy starts to burn. I just wish that I finally get through it.
When they're done with me, I'm left careless. I stay on the ground sobbing and crying. "Come on, girl; don't pretend... You liked it!" The quieter guy in says parting, the other only shouts disparagingly, "You were a really good fuck, girl!"
I don't want to be a good fuck... I didn't like anything! But I didn't scream or fight back. I was so scared and they brutally intimidated me. But for the judge it wasn't rape, I was just 'pushed' a bit, but in the end it was 'voluntary' and I was a sinner girl again. I won’t go to the judge or the police ... I’m expecting no right; rather another, unjust punishment for fornication... And maybe they are still looking for me as an escaped witch.