M
montycrusto
Guest
It must have been one of this gentleman’s descendants, one Geneviève le Plouff, who travelled to the New World and joined a High School cheerleading team in this informative documentary:
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Jehanne : the real story.
- Thread starter Loxuru
- Start date
Doragon
Tribune
I love how cruel God is (or how cruel his messenger is), making it so the outcome will always be the same: for our amusement something terrible will happen to this girl, who by the way is very smart for a sheepherder - she knows a lot about history and psychology. Which doesn't help her at all though.
I do smell a Faustian plot here...
I do smell a Faustian plot here...
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
Of course she is! It takes this knowledge for carrying out such a delicate sacred mission succesfully!
God Almighty may be wicked and cruel, but He is not crazy to entrust this job to simply the fisrt one that shows up!
Doragon
Tribune
I like the way you're thinking.Of course she is! It takes this knowledge for carrying out such a delicate sacred mission succesfully!
God Almighty may be wicked and cruel, but He is not crazy to entrust this job to simply the fisrt one that shows up!
That is spooky. Note for future reference, never follow mysterious otherworldly voices that call out "come heeeeeere" for goodness sake.
Who knows what foul creatures might be lurking in those woods Monty?
M
montycrusto
Guest
Well that doesn’t look foul.. looks like fun?
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
2.
VAUCOULEURS CASTLE
Two nobles, Robert de Baudricourt and Jean d’Alençon, confer about a talk they just had with a humble peasant girl, Jehanne. The girl had held a zealous plea to mobilise forces to get Dauphin Charles in Chinon and bring him to Reims for coronation. Both nobles belong to the party of the Armagnacs, the party of the Dauphin Charles, who had been put aside in the Treaty of Troyes (1420).
Robert de Baudricourt : “Jean! What is your opinion!?”
Jean d’Alençon : “I don’t know! It is crazy, isn’t it? Some peasant girl from Lorraine – of all places – comes to ask support for … bringing Dauphin Charles to Reims and get him crowned!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Voices from heaven!? It is hard to believe for me too. But apart from that, she had a sort of…persuasiveness! I don’t believe in the voices, but I like her character! The way she brought her message!”
Jean d’Alençon : “But bringing Charles to Reims!? Honestly, I even did not consider that as an option anymore!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “That was my first thought too : with or without heavenly voices, what she wants, is impossible, particularly now, with the English besieging Orléans!”
Jean d’Alençon : “It is impossible! Or do you think different now!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “I am .. considering the options, just that. Point is : will we keep sitting on our butt, while the English take over control over the Loire valley, conquering stronghold by stronghold, like a creeping snake!?”
Jean d’Alençon : “Can we stop them?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “The English, Jean, are playing for time! There is a regency, as long as that future Henry VI of them, is still a child! The day, they crown him King of France, it will be over for us! Meanwhile, they try to seize control over as much as possible territory! If we want to take back control ourselves, we must act now! Therefore, her proposal appeals to me! First of all, to bully the English a bit! Showing them, that this is still our country, not theirs. Secondly, bringing Charles to Reims!? Why not? But we must act now, before Orléans will fall!”
Jean d’Alençon : “What would you gain with it? Charles is weak! He will be king over a non-country, without significant support, without authority! He is born from an extramarital affair, remember, and that will keep sticking to him!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Shut! Faut pas le dire! We could buy time for ourselves, and make at least a statement! We are still there! Actually, in the first place a statement to Burgundy! Duke Philip is more pragmatic than his father, and not such a murderous psychopath, it seems to me, but his ambitions are still a worry to me!”
Jean d’Alençon : “I guess you are right! Do we have a chance at Orléans?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “According to what Jean d’Orléans has told me, the besieging English are not so numerous there. They try to starve the city by cutting it off, rather than by storming it. But they have not enough men to seal it off completely. They seem to have built a fortress on their own, and mostly remain retired inside there..”
Jean d’Alençon : “So, if we could besiege their fortress in turn, we could succeed!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “They are not expecting us to intervene there! From what I have heard, Regent Bedford bets on it that we turn our forces against Burgundy! French eating French, while he has his hands free, meanwhile! And they don’t consider Chinon as a prime strategic target to deal with! If we can gather enough troops, it could work!”
Jean d’Alençon : “You have my support, but we need more strength!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Jean d‘Orléans is ready to march, but not on his own. And Gilles de Rais is also eager to go against the English!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Gilles de Rais!? Frankly, I don’t like that man! A fierce and gallant warrior, but as a person…”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Gilles is a bit hot-tempered man, and no woman’s skirt is safe for him, but if you know him better.. he is bit a special character, right, but anyway, we cannot be picky on choosing our allies. Once he has a combat mission, he always commits himself to go two hundred percent for it! That is something you can trust on!”
Jean d’Alençon : “And if will fail!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Then we blame it to that maid, and accuse her of witchcraft!”
Jean d’Alençon : “That is mean, Robert!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Just joking! We go! Next stop : Orléans! That is step one! Then we see about Chinon and the Dauphin! I will send messengers to Jean d’Orléans and Gilles de Rais! And may God and all His Saints help us, and be on our side for once!”
(Jean d’Alençon leaves the room; a valet knocks at the door).
Valet : “Messire, Madame, votre épouse, wants a word with you!?”
Robert de Baudricourt (sighs): “What does that vixen want now!? All right, let her in!”
Mrs. De Baudricourt : “Robert de Baudricourt!? What is d’Alençon doing here!? And what is all the fuzz about that peasant girl supposed to mean!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “We were planning some business to settle with the English!”
Mrs. De Baudricourt : “So, you are going on a campaign!? Where!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Not your business, woman! Talking costs lives!”
Mrs. de Baudricourt : “Has that sheepshit smelling peasant maid from Lorraine something to do with it?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Listen, woman, this campaign will be extremely important!”
Mrs. De Baudricourt : “You are not going, Robert de Baudricourt!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “What!? Parbleu, woman, the glory and grandeur of France are at stake here! My leadership is extremely needed!”
Mrs. De Baudricourt : “Leadership!? Toi!? Leadership, mon cul! You are nothing! You better would ally yourself to Burgundy! Those are successful people! The Valois are finished! They all get sick in their head, if you should not have noticed it!? They get possessed! They are cursed!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “In that case : Burgundy’s grandfather was a Valois prince, and the young English Prince Henry’s grandfather was a Valois king! So, concerning madness, the playing field is even, making me consider we still make a chance!”
Mrs. De Baudricourt : “Do you think I am naïve, Robert de Baudricourt!? All you want to do is a bit messing around with that peasant girl, with your friends! Gilles de Rais will be there too, I guess!!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Woman, what are you taking me for!? She claims she is still a virgin, and that smell of her, you mentioned,…. So, what is the problem!”
Mrs. De Baudricourt : “Well Robert! Send her to me! I will give her a thorough strip and cavity search! Only when she turns out to be really a virgin, you may go on that campaign! But she will return as a virgin too, Robert, otherwise, I will blame you for the loss of her flower, regardless whoever took it! In that case, prepare for a costly divorce! Remember, Robert de Baudricourt : two thirds of our territories, come from me! These are our richest territories, since yours are mostly poor, useless wasteland! And my territories will remain mine as long as I live! Compris, Robert de Baudricourt!?”
(Mrs. De Baudricourt leaves.)
Robert de Baudricourt : “Bloody witch!”
(To be continued)
VAUCOULEURS CASTLE
Two nobles, Robert de Baudricourt and Jean d’Alençon, confer about a talk they just had with a humble peasant girl, Jehanne. The girl had held a zealous plea to mobilise forces to get Dauphin Charles in Chinon and bring him to Reims for coronation. Both nobles belong to the party of the Armagnacs, the party of the Dauphin Charles, who had been put aside in the Treaty of Troyes (1420).
Robert de Baudricourt : “Jean! What is your opinion!?”
Jean d’Alençon : “I don’t know! It is crazy, isn’t it? Some peasant girl from Lorraine – of all places – comes to ask support for … bringing Dauphin Charles to Reims and get him crowned!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Voices from heaven!? It is hard to believe for me too. But apart from that, she had a sort of…persuasiveness! I don’t believe in the voices, but I like her character! The way she brought her message!”
Jean d’Alençon : “But bringing Charles to Reims!? Honestly, I even did not consider that as an option anymore!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “That was my first thought too : with or without heavenly voices, what she wants, is impossible, particularly now, with the English besieging Orléans!”
Jean d’Alençon : “It is impossible! Or do you think different now!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “I am .. considering the options, just that. Point is : will we keep sitting on our butt, while the English take over control over the Loire valley, conquering stronghold by stronghold, like a creeping snake!?”
Jean d’Alençon : “Can we stop them?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “The English, Jean, are playing for time! There is a regency, as long as that future Henry VI of them, is still a child! The day, they crown him King of France, it will be over for us! Meanwhile, they try to seize control over as much as possible territory! If we want to take back control ourselves, we must act now! Therefore, her proposal appeals to me! First of all, to bully the English a bit! Showing them, that this is still our country, not theirs. Secondly, bringing Charles to Reims!? Why not? But we must act now, before Orléans will fall!”
Jean d’Alençon : “What would you gain with it? Charles is weak! He will be king over a non-country, without significant support, without authority! He is born from an extramarital affair, remember, and that will keep sticking to him!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Shut! Faut pas le dire! We could buy time for ourselves, and make at least a statement! We are still there! Actually, in the first place a statement to Burgundy! Duke Philip is more pragmatic than his father, and not such a murderous psychopath, it seems to me, but his ambitions are still a worry to me!”
Jean d’Alençon : “I guess you are right! Do we have a chance at Orléans?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “According to what Jean d’Orléans has told me, the besieging English are not so numerous there. They try to starve the city by cutting it off, rather than by storming it. But they have not enough men to seal it off completely. They seem to have built a fortress on their own, and mostly remain retired inside there..”
Jean d’Alençon : “So, if we could besiege their fortress in turn, we could succeed!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “They are not expecting us to intervene there! From what I have heard, Regent Bedford bets on it that we turn our forces against Burgundy! French eating French, while he has his hands free, meanwhile! And they don’t consider Chinon as a prime strategic target to deal with! If we can gather enough troops, it could work!”
Jean d’Alençon : “You have my support, but we need more strength!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Jean d‘Orléans is ready to march, but not on his own. And Gilles de Rais is also eager to go against the English!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Gilles de Rais!? Frankly, I don’t like that man! A fierce and gallant warrior, but as a person…”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Gilles is a bit hot-tempered man, and no woman’s skirt is safe for him, but if you know him better.. he is bit a special character, right, but anyway, we cannot be picky on choosing our allies. Once he has a combat mission, he always commits himself to go two hundred percent for it! That is something you can trust on!”
Jean d’Alençon : “And if will fail!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Then we blame it to that maid, and accuse her of witchcraft!”
Jean d’Alençon : “That is mean, Robert!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Just joking! We go! Next stop : Orléans! That is step one! Then we see about Chinon and the Dauphin! I will send messengers to Jean d’Orléans and Gilles de Rais! And may God and all His Saints help us, and be on our side for once!”
(Jean d’Alençon leaves the room; a valet knocks at the door).
Valet : “Messire, Madame, votre épouse, wants a word with you!?”
Robert de Baudricourt (sighs): “What does that vixen want now!? All right, let her in!”
Mrs. De Baudricourt : “Robert de Baudricourt!? What is d’Alençon doing here!? And what is all the fuzz about that peasant girl supposed to mean!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “We were planning some business to settle with the English!”
Mrs. De Baudricourt : “So, you are going on a campaign!? Where!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Not your business, woman! Talking costs lives!”
Mrs. de Baudricourt : “Has that sheepshit smelling peasant maid from Lorraine something to do with it?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Listen, woman, this campaign will be extremely important!”
Mrs. De Baudricourt : “You are not going, Robert de Baudricourt!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “What!? Parbleu, woman, the glory and grandeur of France are at stake here! My leadership is extremely needed!”
Mrs. De Baudricourt : “Leadership!? Toi!? Leadership, mon cul! You are nothing! You better would ally yourself to Burgundy! Those are successful people! The Valois are finished! They all get sick in their head, if you should not have noticed it!? They get possessed! They are cursed!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “In that case : Burgundy’s grandfather was a Valois prince, and the young English Prince Henry’s grandfather was a Valois king! So, concerning madness, the playing field is even, making me consider we still make a chance!”
Mrs. De Baudricourt : “Do you think I am naïve, Robert de Baudricourt!? All you want to do is a bit messing around with that peasant girl, with your friends! Gilles de Rais will be there too, I guess!!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Woman, what are you taking me for!? She claims she is still a virgin, and that smell of her, you mentioned,…. So, what is the problem!”
Mrs. De Baudricourt : “Well Robert! Send her to me! I will give her a thorough strip and cavity search! Only when she turns out to be really a virgin, you may go on that campaign! But she will return as a virgin too, Robert, otherwise, I will blame you for the loss of her flower, regardless whoever took it! In that case, prepare for a costly divorce! Remember, Robert de Baudricourt : two thirds of our territories, come from me! These are our richest territories, since yours are mostly poor, useless wasteland! And my territories will remain mine as long as I live! Compris, Robert de Baudricourt!?”
(Mrs. De Baudricourt leaves.)
Robert de Baudricourt : “Bloody witch!”
(To be continued)
Doragon
Tribune
I always shout something like this when I wake up in the morning, but does anyone ever listen to me?
yes, it's hard for a man to wake up and find he's lacking in leadership and judgement.
(especially when all he can remember of yesterday is a work-related event ...)
Doragon
Tribune
Women rarely realize how tough it is to be a man.yes, it's hard for a man to wake up and find he's lacking in leadership and judgement.
(especially when all he can remember of yesterday is a work-related event ...)
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
3.
ORLEANS, MAY 1429
In those times, the River Loire separated the territories under control by the English, north of it, and the so-called ‘Kingdom of Bourges’, the part still under control by the Armagnacs, the party of the Dauphin, nicknamed ‘King of Bourges’. Orléans was a key city on this border, and taking it, would give the English control over much of the Loire valley, and the road network leading into the ‘Kingdom of Bourges’.
Robert de Baudricourt : “Parbleu! This campaign takes longer than I expected! These English have themselves well entrenched in their fortress! I hope we can enforce something with that bombarde we leased! Trouble is, we find no men willing to handle it! That thing is scarily dangerous!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Next time, consider a wet lease!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Easy to speak like that, but we have to mind our budget! Point is, the manual of the bombarde says, it risks to blow up after twenty shots!”
Jean d’Alençcon : “Or sooner, it explicitly states!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Yes! But there is no register of the number of shots it already has fired, so, there is no guarantee it is still safe to use it!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Meanwhile, that maid keeps nagging about storming the English fortress! Someone should explain her that it does not work like that.”
Robert de Baudricourt : “I told her, that we need ten times as much men for that! Oh God! What an idea to taker her with us!”
Jean d’Alençon : “She insisted!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “I cannot blame her! She wants to finish that so called ‘sacred mission’ of her as soon as possible, to get back to her flock of sheep! Meanwhile, she feels safe with us! There was a rumour about some Breton baron, she had refused, and next, he accused her of being a witch, just out of revenge! So I would not leave the maid with my wife either, since she is capable of putting the girl in chains and extradite her to that baron. But God! ‘Don’t I look fat in that armour!?’ ‘The colour of that shield does not fit with my dress!’. Girls!”
Jean d’Alençon : “The silly moment, her hair got stuck between armour plates! And her insistence to combine armour with a dress or a skirt!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “I told her : ‘Maid, get your hair in a short bobcut and wear men’s clothes for the occasion!’. But she stubbornly refuses! A girly girl goes to war! I would like to see her, storming the fortress like that! She would stumble over her dress from the first steps!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Perhaps, Gilles could explain her about siege tactics! Those two seem to be on friendly speaking terms!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “I know! But nevertheless, never let Gilles get his hands of the key of her chastity belt! The last thing I can afford now, is a divorce!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Oh! There she is! She is interested in the bombarde!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Hey, maid! Be careful with that bombarde! That thing is loaded!”
Jehanne : “Such an interesting device! How does it work!? What’s inside here!?”
Jean d’Alençon : “Listen, maid! That is a bombarde! That is intended to bring down city or fortress walls! It is a very dangerous machine, and never, I repeat, never get yourself in front of the barrel, leave, putting your head into the muzzle, as you just did! These things may fire by their own!”
Jehanne : “Oh! But it is exciting! May I try it!? May I fire a shot!? Just one!? Bitte!? Bitte!?”
Jean d’Alençon : “Maid, it would be better if….”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Let her! Just one! I am not in the mood for another discussion with her, and otherwise, she will keep nagging for two days about it! And secondly, if the maid dares firing it, that’s a good example for the men who don’t!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Bien! But only one, maid! Here! I will give you a red hot rod of iron, you put that into the lumière, that hole on top of the barrel there, so you will ignite the powder! Outstretch your arm and turn away your face, since burning powder may backfire trough that hole, and it is not funny to get that into your pretty face! Right!?”
Jehanne : “Alles klar!”
Robert de Baudricourt (noticing that Gilles de Rais has arrived too) : “Ah, Gilles, there you are too! Just in time for the big show!?”
Gilles de Rais : “Apparently, I am just in time! The maid seems to have more guts than all our men!”
Jehanne (noticing that the nobles have their ears covered with their hands) : “Does… does it make a lot of noise!?”
Gilles de Rais : “No, no! Pas du tout! You are doing fine! Stretch you arm! Right! Rod in the hole! Ignite the powder….!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “And ‘bang!’, Gilles!?”
Gilles de Rais : “Un bon soldat français est toujours prêt pour l’assault, mon ami!”
Jehanne : “ Achtung! Feuer!”
(the bombarde fires, Jehanne is thrown from her feet by the blast).
Jehanne (waving locks of hair from in front of her eyes): “Verdammt noch mal! What a bang! I hope the blast did not ruin my haircut!”
Robert de Baudricourt (chuckling) : “I told you, maid! A bobcut would suit you better on the battlefield!”
Jehanne (ignoring him) “Did we hit something? Oh yes, I can see! Treffer! Wow!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Indeed! We hit something! But there is a problem!?”
Jehanne : “A problem!? A hit is a hit!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “It seems to me, we hit the flag tower! The commander’s quarters!”
Gilles de Rais : “Congratulations, maid! You just committed a war crime! A good start for your military career!”
Jehanne : “Isn’t that good!? Knocking out the commander!?”
Jean d’Alençon : “Maid! In combat there are rules! A lot is allowed : loot, rape, slaughter, whatever! But firing at the commander’s headquarters is a serious breach of chivalry rules! We could get into trouble I we got caught now! Besides, it will strengthen their determination to carry on fighting, now!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “And don’t forget : a captured commander is worth a lot of ransom! A dead one is worth nothing!”
Jehanne : “I think, I will never understand you people! But tell me : what does it mean, when a flag is lowered?”
Jean d’Alençon : “That means, that they would surrender! But that don’t think, they… But hey! They are lowering their flag!”
Jehanne : “That’s what I said!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “They surrender!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Victoire! We won!”
Gilles de Rais : “Unbelievable! Orléans is ours again!”
Jehanne : “Grossartig! Wir haben gesiegt! Our way to Chinon is open!”
(To be continued)
ORLEANS, MAY 1429
In those times, the River Loire separated the territories under control by the English, north of it, and the so-called ‘Kingdom of Bourges’, the part still under control by the Armagnacs, the party of the Dauphin, nicknamed ‘King of Bourges’. Orléans was a key city on this border, and taking it, would give the English control over much of the Loire valley, and the road network leading into the ‘Kingdom of Bourges’.
Robert de Baudricourt : “Parbleu! This campaign takes longer than I expected! These English have themselves well entrenched in their fortress! I hope we can enforce something with that bombarde we leased! Trouble is, we find no men willing to handle it! That thing is scarily dangerous!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Next time, consider a wet lease!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Easy to speak like that, but we have to mind our budget! Point is, the manual of the bombarde says, it risks to blow up after twenty shots!”
Jean d’Alençcon : “Or sooner, it explicitly states!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Yes! But there is no register of the number of shots it already has fired, so, there is no guarantee it is still safe to use it!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Meanwhile, that maid keeps nagging about storming the English fortress! Someone should explain her that it does not work like that.”
Robert de Baudricourt : “I told her, that we need ten times as much men for that! Oh God! What an idea to taker her with us!”
Jean d’Alençon : “She insisted!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “I cannot blame her! She wants to finish that so called ‘sacred mission’ of her as soon as possible, to get back to her flock of sheep! Meanwhile, she feels safe with us! There was a rumour about some Breton baron, she had refused, and next, he accused her of being a witch, just out of revenge! So I would not leave the maid with my wife either, since she is capable of putting the girl in chains and extradite her to that baron. But God! ‘Don’t I look fat in that armour!?’ ‘The colour of that shield does not fit with my dress!’. Girls!”
Jean d’Alençon : “The silly moment, her hair got stuck between armour plates! And her insistence to combine armour with a dress or a skirt!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “I told her : ‘Maid, get your hair in a short bobcut and wear men’s clothes for the occasion!’. But she stubbornly refuses! A girly girl goes to war! I would like to see her, storming the fortress like that! She would stumble over her dress from the first steps!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Perhaps, Gilles could explain her about siege tactics! Those two seem to be on friendly speaking terms!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “I know! But nevertheless, never let Gilles get his hands of the key of her chastity belt! The last thing I can afford now, is a divorce!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Oh! There she is! She is interested in the bombarde!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Hey, maid! Be careful with that bombarde! That thing is loaded!”
Jehanne : “Such an interesting device! How does it work!? What’s inside here!?”
Jean d’Alençon : “Listen, maid! That is a bombarde! That is intended to bring down city or fortress walls! It is a very dangerous machine, and never, I repeat, never get yourself in front of the barrel, leave, putting your head into the muzzle, as you just did! These things may fire by their own!”
Jehanne : “Oh! But it is exciting! May I try it!? May I fire a shot!? Just one!? Bitte!? Bitte!?”
Jean d’Alençon : “Maid, it would be better if….”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Let her! Just one! I am not in the mood for another discussion with her, and otherwise, she will keep nagging for two days about it! And secondly, if the maid dares firing it, that’s a good example for the men who don’t!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Bien! But only one, maid! Here! I will give you a red hot rod of iron, you put that into the lumière, that hole on top of the barrel there, so you will ignite the powder! Outstretch your arm and turn away your face, since burning powder may backfire trough that hole, and it is not funny to get that into your pretty face! Right!?”
Jehanne : “Alles klar!”
Robert de Baudricourt (noticing that Gilles de Rais has arrived too) : “Ah, Gilles, there you are too! Just in time for the big show!?”
Gilles de Rais : “Apparently, I am just in time! The maid seems to have more guts than all our men!”
Jehanne (noticing that the nobles have their ears covered with their hands) : “Does… does it make a lot of noise!?”
Gilles de Rais : “No, no! Pas du tout! You are doing fine! Stretch you arm! Right! Rod in the hole! Ignite the powder….!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “And ‘bang!’, Gilles!?”
Gilles de Rais : “Un bon soldat français est toujours prêt pour l’assault, mon ami!”
Jehanne : “ Achtung! Feuer!”
(the bombarde fires, Jehanne is thrown from her feet by the blast).
Jehanne (waving locks of hair from in front of her eyes): “Verdammt noch mal! What a bang! I hope the blast did not ruin my haircut!”
Robert de Baudricourt (chuckling) : “I told you, maid! A bobcut would suit you better on the battlefield!”
Jehanne (ignoring him) “Did we hit something? Oh yes, I can see! Treffer! Wow!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Indeed! We hit something! But there is a problem!?”
Jehanne : “A problem!? A hit is a hit!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “It seems to me, we hit the flag tower! The commander’s quarters!”
Gilles de Rais : “Congratulations, maid! You just committed a war crime! A good start for your military career!”
Jehanne : “Isn’t that good!? Knocking out the commander!?”
Jean d’Alençon : “Maid! In combat there are rules! A lot is allowed : loot, rape, slaughter, whatever! But firing at the commander’s headquarters is a serious breach of chivalry rules! We could get into trouble I we got caught now! Besides, it will strengthen their determination to carry on fighting, now!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “And don’t forget : a captured commander is worth a lot of ransom! A dead one is worth nothing!”
Jehanne : “I think, I will never understand you people! But tell me : what does it mean, when a flag is lowered?”
Jean d’Alençon : “That means, that they would surrender! But that don’t think, they… But hey! They are lowering their flag!”
Jehanne : “That’s what I said!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “They surrender!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Victoire! We won!”
Gilles de Rais : “Unbelievable! Orléans is ours again!”
Jehanne : “Grossartig! Wir haben gesiegt! Our way to Chinon is open!”
(To be continued)
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
4.
CHINON; THE ROYAL FORTRESS
A FEW DAYS LATER
It had turned out that Jehanne’s shot with the bombarde, had actually hit the English commander’s quarters. The iron bullet had pierced the wall, and had bounced around in the commander’s room, before making a hole in the floor, and finally coming to rest. No one got hurt, but the commander, who was taking a nap, had been dead scared by the errant projectile above his head, with a hellish noise, and had thought his last moment had come. Immediately after the event, he had commanded the surrender, being convinced that, against such fierce, advanced weaponry, any further resistance would be useless.
While Jean d’Orléans remained with his troops around Orléans, in case the English would come back, and Gilles de Rais was sent north, to clear a path to Reims, Robert de Baudricourt and Jean d’Alençon had accompanied Jehanne to Chinon. Their troops camped in the neighbourhoud, while Jehanne, Robert and Jean arrived at the gates of the Royal Fortress of Chinon, in those days, in its full glory, even looking more magnificent than today’s ruins. Rain was pouring down heavily, when they knocked at the door of the gate. They were received by Robert le Maçon, the chancellor of the Dauphin.
Robert de Baudricourt had already sent Jean de Metz and Bertrand de Poulegny forward to Chinon, in order to brief the Dauphin’s household in advance of their arrival and intentions. They immediately conferred, and it was clear : the Dauphin had absolutely no intention to go to Reims, or taking the crown whatever! It seemed, he did not give a damn about France, the crown and the monarchy anymore.
Robert de Baudricourt : “Understandable, the way he has been put aside in the Treaty of Troyes! With active help from his own mother! Trouble is : we have this impatient maid – she is from your region, by the way, Jean – who insists to see him at once!”
Jean de Metz : “I thought I already recognized that characteristic Lorraine smell of sheepshit! There is one big problem. The Dauphin is at the moment in his normal occupation!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Which is?”
Jean de Metz : “His Royal Highness The Dauphin is in a state of blind drunkness!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Oh, merde!”
Robert le Maçon : “All I can do is put up some masquerade! Why you folks take on dry clothes, I gather the nobles! I give one of them posh clothes, and let that maid look around for the ‘Dauphin’. Keeping her ignorant, will give us some time to consider what to do! Let’s say that, when the bell in the gate tower strikes nine, the three of you show up in the royal quarters for an audience!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “d’Accord!”
As the bell in the tower struck nine (the bell, Jehanne heard too, is still there today), Jehanne, Jean d’Alençon and Robert de Baudricourt entered the Royal Lodgings.
Guided by Robert le Maçon, Jehanne was lead into La Grande Salle. Feeling thrilled and humble all same, she faced the highest nobility of France – at least of what was left of it after Azincourt and the Treaty of Troyes. Never in her life, Jehanne had seen such a gathering of wealthy garments : doublets, houpelandes, in the most expensive woolen or velvet fabrics, brightly coloured chausses, fancy hats and chaperons. She suddenly felt a burden, falling on her shoulders, while she approached them all across La Grande Salle! The burden that she, a young peasant girl from Lorraine, was received by the highest nobility of France, because they had put all their hope on her to make the kingdom great again! Particularly after her ‘lucky shot’ with the bombarde, at Orléans, she had been associated with that victory, and she had been taken seriously, since! They watched her with a stern, self-confident, but wondering, welcoming look, still convinced of the superiority of their class, but curious to meet the ‘Maid from Orléans’, as she was called now, after her contribution to the victory.
Jehanne : “Good evening, Gentleman! Which one of you is His Royal Highness the Dauphin!?”
Jean de Metz (with a challenging smile) : “Find him maid!”
Jehanne scanned the row of nobles. From left to right, from right to left, then back again. Nervously she defied their looks, which did not betray anything that could point to them as the Dauphin. This was clearly a test of her credibility. There was one man wearing richer garments than the others, but she felt that this could be a trap!
Wait a minute!
Jehanne : “Verzeihung, bitte!?”
Jehanne stepped forward, breaking through the line of nobles.
There he was, behind the row of nobles, sitting on the floor, in the corner of the Grande Salle! Charles, the Dauphin! The man she had come for all the way. But immediately, Jehanne realized that the Dauphin was in a very ‘sacred’ state!.
Jehanne : “Royal Highness! Bitte!? Stand up! I was sent here by heavenly voices to bring you to Rheims and have you crowned there as King of France!”
Dauphin Charles (drunk voice) : “Hein!? Quoi!? Comment!?”
Jehanne : “Royal Highness! Come with us to Rheims! You will be King of France, soon!”
Dauphin Charles : “Reins!? Comment Reins!? Je m’en fous de Reins, tu m’entend!? Je m’en fous de la France! Roi de France!? Moi!? Mon cul, nom de Dieu! Je suis déjà Roi de Bourges et ça me suffit! Je reste ici! Va-t-en, et ne m’embête pas avec tes stupides conneries! Va-t-en, merde alors!”
Jehanne : “Aber…! Royal Highness, bitte, levez-vous!”
Dauphin Charles : “Hein!? Tu es boche!? Une salope boche, qui vient me commander de me lever!? Moi!? Le grand Roi de Bourges!?”
Jehanne : “ Your Highness, I am from…”
Dauphin Charles : “Tu es boche, hein!? Admet! Tu es une boche!”
Jehanne : “Aber… ja,.., nein,… ich bin aus Lotharingen, I mean…mais…!”
Dauphin Charles : “Ecoute! Ecoute bien, petite sale boche! J’en ai marre des boches! Ma mère, elle est boche aussi! Une sale pute boche! Une grosse, laide, pute boche bavaroise, engraissé par des saucissons et de la bière, comme tous les boches! Elle est une sale pute qui offre son cul à tout zizi qui la rapproche! Cette pute boche, qui m’a fait tomber pour faire plaisir à ses maudits aimants! Et mon père, c’était un fou! Simplement, un fou!”
Jehanne : “Sure, Your Royal Highness, but….!”
Dauphin Charles : “Et ma soeur, c’est aussi une pute! C’est la sale pute des sales Anglais! La pute de cet hooligan de Lancastre, ce fils d’un régicide, d’un… d’un usurpateur! Il se disait roi! Roi de quoi!? Roi d’une ile de moutons! Ma soeur, c’est la pute du roi des moutons! Mais heureusement, il a eu son bien, déjà! Hah!”
Jehanne : “I understand, Your Highness, but please, join us to Rheims now..”
Dauphin : “Tu ne m’a pas compris, petite boche?! J’en ai marre de cette cirque, je m’n fous, tu m’écoutes!? Je m’en fous! Fous! Fous! Laisse moi tranquille! Vous m’émmerdez tous! Tous!”
Jehanne left the Dauphin where he was, to discuss the situation with Robert de Baudricourt and Jean d’Alençon.
Jehanne : “Scheisse! It does not work like that! And the smell of his breath! Awful!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “All we can do is wait until he is sober, and then talk to him again!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Would that help!? He clearly has no intentions to go to Reims at all! It may take days to convince him!”
Jehanne : “On the other hand! If we just load him into a chariot, the way he is, and bring him sofort to Rheims!? No need to convince him! There is a higher cause at stake, it’s his sacred duty, and his opinion does not matter, after all! With some luck, he still is tipsy when we arrive in Reims!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “It will take some time before we get at Reims, maid! He will not remain under influence that long!”
Jehanne : “We load a crate of Chinon wine at his disposal! If necessary, we drug him! Better to get him in Rheims marinated than not bringing him there at all!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Mhh I am not so sure, if…we can do that!? He is the Dauphin, after all, drunk or not! Don’t we have to treat him with respect!”
Jehanne : “Do you prefer discussing with him for days!? The English and Burgundy are certainly preparing a reaction on Orléans by now, and you bet, they already got alerted about our intentions here!”
Jean d’Alençon : “She is right, Robert! If we stay here too long, we risk to get cut off our way back by a superior force!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “All right! Get some men to load the Dauphin in a chariot! We leave tomorrow morning! By the way, maid, how did you pick out the Dauphin so easily!?”
Jehanne : “Elementary! We read gossip chronicles at home! ‘Die Sonne’ and stuff like that! Juicy accounts about royal’s debaucherous whereabouts! And now! Rheims, here we come!”
(to be continued)
CHINON; THE ROYAL FORTRESS
A FEW DAYS LATER
It had turned out that Jehanne’s shot with the bombarde, had actually hit the English commander’s quarters. The iron bullet had pierced the wall, and had bounced around in the commander’s room, before making a hole in the floor, and finally coming to rest. No one got hurt, but the commander, who was taking a nap, had been dead scared by the errant projectile above his head, with a hellish noise, and had thought his last moment had come. Immediately after the event, he had commanded the surrender, being convinced that, against such fierce, advanced weaponry, any further resistance would be useless.
While Jean d’Orléans remained with his troops around Orléans, in case the English would come back, and Gilles de Rais was sent north, to clear a path to Reims, Robert de Baudricourt and Jean d’Alençon had accompanied Jehanne to Chinon. Their troops camped in the neighbourhoud, while Jehanne, Robert and Jean arrived at the gates of the Royal Fortress of Chinon, in those days, in its full glory, even looking more magnificent than today’s ruins. Rain was pouring down heavily, when they knocked at the door of the gate. They were received by Robert le Maçon, the chancellor of the Dauphin.
Robert de Baudricourt had already sent Jean de Metz and Bertrand de Poulegny forward to Chinon, in order to brief the Dauphin’s household in advance of their arrival and intentions. They immediately conferred, and it was clear : the Dauphin had absolutely no intention to go to Reims, or taking the crown whatever! It seemed, he did not give a damn about France, the crown and the monarchy anymore.
Robert de Baudricourt : “Understandable, the way he has been put aside in the Treaty of Troyes! With active help from his own mother! Trouble is : we have this impatient maid – she is from your region, by the way, Jean – who insists to see him at once!”
Jean de Metz : “I thought I already recognized that characteristic Lorraine smell of sheepshit! There is one big problem. The Dauphin is at the moment in his normal occupation!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Which is?”
Jean de Metz : “His Royal Highness The Dauphin is in a state of blind drunkness!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Oh, merde!”
Robert le Maçon : “All I can do is put up some masquerade! Why you folks take on dry clothes, I gather the nobles! I give one of them posh clothes, and let that maid look around for the ‘Dauphin’. Keeping her ignorant, will give us some time to consider what to do! Let’s say that, when the bell in the gate tower strikes nine, the three of you show up in the royal quarters for an audience!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “d’Accord!”
As the bell in the tower struck nine (the bell, Jehanne heard too, is still there today), Jehanne, Jean d’Alençon and Robert de Baudricourt entered the Royal Lodgings.
Guided by Robert le Maçon, Jehanne was lead into La Grande Salle. Feeling thrilled and humble all same, she faced the highest nobility of France – at least of what was left of it after Azincourt and the Treaty of Troyes. Never in her life, Jehanne had seen such a gathering of wealthy garments : doublets, houpelandes, in the most expensive woolen or velvet fabrics, brightly coloured chausses, fancy hats and chaperons. She suddenly felt a burden, falling on her shoulders, while she approached them all across La Grande Salle! The burden that she, a young peasant girl from Lorraine, was received by the highest nobility of France, because they had put all their hope on her to make the kingdom great again! Particularly after her ‘lucky shot’ with the bombarde, at Orléans, she had been associated with that victory, and she had been taken seriously, since! They watched her with a stern, self-confident, but wondering, welcoming look, still convinced of the superiority of their class, but curious to meet the ‘Maid from Orléans’, as she was called now, after her contribution to the victory.
Jehanne : “Good evening, Gentleman! Which one of you is His Royal Highness the Dauphin!?”
Jean de Metz (with a challenging smile) : “Find him maid!”
Jehanne scanned the row of nobles. From left to right, from right to left, then back again. Nervously she defied their looks, which did not betray anything that could point to them as the Dauphin. This was clearly a test of her credibility. There was one man wearing richer garments than the others, but she felt that this could be a trap!
Wait a minute!
Jehanne : “Verzeihung, bitte!?”
Jehanne stepped forward, breaking through the line of nobles.
There he was, behind the row of nobles, sitting on the floor, in the corner of the Grande Salle! Charles, the Dauphin! The man she had come for all the way. But immediately, Jehanne realized that the Dauphin was in a very ‘sacred’ state!.
Jehanne : “Royal Highness! Bitte!? Stand up! I was sent here by heavenly voices to bring you to Rheims and have you crowned there as King of France!”
Dauphin Charles (drunk voice) : “Hein!? Quoi!? Comment!?”
Jehanne : “Royal Highness! Come with us to Rheims! You will be King of France, soon!”
Dauphin Charles : “Reins!? Comment Reins!? Je m’en fous de Reins, tu m’entend!? Je m’en fous de la France! Roi de France!? Moi!? Mon cul, nom de Dieu! Je suis déjà Roi de Bourges et ça me suffit! Je reste ici! Va-t-en, et ne m’embête pas avec tes stupides conneries! Va-t-en, merde alors!”
Jehanne : “Aber…! Royal Highness, bitte, levez-vous!”
Dauphin Charles : “Hein!? Tu es boche!? Une salope boche, qui vient me commander de me lever!? Moi!? Le grand Roi de Bourges!?”
Jehanne : “ Your Highness, I am from…”
Dauphin Charles : “Tu es boche, hein!? Admet! Tu es une boche!”
Jehanne : “Aber… ja,.., nein,… ich bin aus Lotharingen, I mean…mais…!”
Dauphin Charles : “Ecoute! Ecoute bien, petite sale boche! J’en ai marre des boches! Ma mère, elle est boche aussi! Une sale pute boche! Une grosse, laide, pute boche bavaroise, engraissé par des saucissons et de la bière, comme tous les boches! Elle est une sale pute qui offre son cul à tout zizi qui la rapproche! Cette pute boche, qui m’a fait tomber pour faire plaisir à ses maudits aimants! Et mon père, c’était un fou! Simplement, un fou!”
Jehanne : “Sure, Your Royal Highness, but….!”
Dauphin Charles : “Et ma soeur, c’est aussi une pute! C’est la sale pute des sales Anglais! La pute de cet hooligan de Lancastre, ce fils d’un régicide, d’un… d’un usurpateur! Il se disait roi! Roi de quoi!? Roi d’une ile de moutons! Ma soeur, c’est la pute du roi des moutons! Mais heureusement, il a eu son bien, déjà! Hah!”
Jehanne : “I understand, Your Highness, but please, join us to Rheims now..”
Dauphin : “Tu ne m’a pas compris, petite boche?! J’en ai marre de cette cirque, je m’n fous, tu m’écoutes!? Je m’en fous! Fous! Fous! Laisse moi tranquille! Vous m’émmerdez tous! Tous!”
Jehanne left the Dauphin where he was, to discuss the situation with Robert de Baudricourt and Jean d’Alençon.
Jehanne : “Scheisse! It does not work like that! And the smell of his breath! Awful!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “All we can do is wait until he is sober, and then talk to him again!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Would that help!? He clearly has no intentions to go to Reims at all! It may take days to convince him!”
Jehanne : “On the other hand! If we just load him into a chariot, the way he is, and bring him sofort to Rheims!? No need to convince him! There is a higher cause at stake, it’s his sacred duty, and his opinion does not matter, after all! With some luck, he still is tipsy when we arrive in Reims!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “It will take some time before we get at Reims, maid! He will not remain under influence that long!”
Jehanne : “We load a crate of Chinon wine at his disposal! If necessary, we drug him! Better to get him in Rheims marinated than not bringing him there at all!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Mhh I am not so sure, if…we can do that!? He is the Dauphin, after all, drunk or not! Don’t we have to treat him with respect!”
Jehanne : “Do you prefer discussing with him for days!? The English and Burgundy are certainly preparing a reaction on Orléans by now, and you bet, they already got alerted about our intentions here!”
Jean d’Alençon : “She is right, Robert! If we stay here too long, we risk to get cut off our way back by a superior force!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “All right! Get some men to load the Dauphin in a chariot! We leave tomorrow morning! By the way, maid, how did you pick out the Dauphin so easily!?”
Jehanne : “Elementary! We read gossip chronicles at home! ‘Die Sonne’ and stuff like that! Juicy accounts about royal’s debaucherous whereabouts! And now! Rheims, here we come!”
(to be continued)
Silent_Water
Tribune
Now I am really curious if an English commander might also read the "IMAGE" newspaper or Jehanne reads "IMAGE of the Woman" or "die angekettete Ente" in the Lotharingian version of ...
Hugin&Munin
Presenter Of Images
No, he could never have read the Bild newspaper. Firstly, as a proud Englishman, he cannot speak German.
Secondly, he may have heard rumors that we Germans might one day be their enemies, and one
don't read about that.
Silent_Water
Tribune
This reminds me somehow of an episode from the old Western series "Bonanza" (plays around 1850-1860, I think), in which Hoss Cartwright is in a saloon near San Francisco and says indeed to a few quarrelsome men there in the German synchronisation / translation of this funny special episode:No, he could never have read the Bild newspaper. Firstly, as a proud Englishman, he cannot speak German.
Secondly, he may have heard rumors that we Germans might one day be their enemies, and one
don't read about that.
"If you don't leave me alone here in peace at once, this saloon is going to look like the earthquake of 1906 just happened now!"
Mhm!??
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Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
In one Asterix comic, Asterix and Obelix had just 'refurbished' an inn, during a fight. A Roman officer comes in, looks around, ans says : "By Jupiter, this place looks like Pompei!"This reminds me somehow of an episode from the old Western series "Bonanza" (plays around 1850-1860, I think), in which Hoss Cartwright is in a saloon near San Francisco and says indeed to a few quarrelsome men there in the German synchronisation / translation of this funny special episode:
"If you don't leave me alone here in peace at once, this saloon is going to look like the earthquake of 1906 just happened now!"
Considering that the Asterix comic play around 50 BC, and the destruction of Pompei took place in 79 AD, some 130 years later, that officer was very foreseeing.
Next episode of the adventures of Jehanne, coming soon!
Loxuru
Graf von Kreuzigung
5.
REIMS!
Porte Saint Jacques. In the middle of the night!
Robert de Baudricourt (banging with his fist on the city gate) :“Au nom du Roi! Ouvrez cette porte!”
Jehanne (doing the same) : “Aufmachen! Aufmachen!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Allez, you two! Calmez-vous! We are all tired from that dash from Chinon! It has been hard but we are almost there!”
(a city guard opens a shutter)
Serjeant : “Alors! What is that noise here!? The gate does not open before sunrise! Who are you!?!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Serjeant, I am Robert de Baudricourt, and this is Jean d’Alençon! We are on an important mission!”
Serjeant : “Désolé, Messire, but I have strict orders, not to open the gate before sunrise! There are armed bands hanging around!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “I understand that you have orders, Serjeant, but nevertheless, let me point out to you, that we have a kind of ‘special cargo’ here!”
Serjeant : “Special cargo, Messire!? What do you mean!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “We bring Dauphin Charles, for his coronation in the cathedral!”
Serjeant : “Messire, I have heard many pretexts from people, wanting to enter the city during closing time of the gates, but yours beats them all!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Suppose, I am serious! We come all the way from Chinon. Before, we have liberated Orléans! I assume, you have already heard of that event!?”
Serjeant : “I heard of that event, particularly about a maid that forced the English miraculously to surrender!”
Jehanne (waving her hand) : “Ahoi! That maid, that’s me!”
(the Serjeant considers a bit, then calls one of his men).
Sergeant : “Antoine!?”
Guard : “Oui, Chef!?”
Serjeant : “I remember, you have told me once, that you had seen Dauphin Charles on one occasion!”
Guard : “That’s correct, Chef!”
Serjeant : “Come! And take a torch with you! We have to identify someone!”
(Accompanied by Robert de Baudricourt and Jean d’Alençon, the Serjeant his guard go to the chariot with the Dauphin.)
Robert de Baudricourt “Here he is, Gentlemen!”
Serjeant “Antoine!?”
Guard : “C’est lui, Chef! C’est le Dauphin! Sans doute!”
Serjeant : “Mon Dieu! What a smell! He is really drunk!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Not to mention the times he has vomited underway! But it was the only way to contain him! You see, Serjeant! We did not lie!”
Serjeant : “No, Messire, mais… le règlement! Mes orders!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Serjeant! Do you see that drunk man!? He may be drunk, now, but within twelve hours, he will be the King of France, drunk or not! That may change a lot! I am sure that King Charles VII will be grateful to people who gave a hand in this important operation. I cannot force you to neglect your orders, but imagine what could be in for you!? A promotion, perhaps!? I promise, I will do a word for you, to His Majesty, once he will be installed!”
Serjeant : “Je Vous comprend, Messire!” (reflects a moment) “Antoine! We open the gate for the King! Bring these people to the Archbishop’s palace! On my responsibility!”
****
REIMS
THE ARCHBISHOP’S PALACE
A half dozing Archbishop sticks his head through the window of the first floor, woken up by the rumour in front of his palace!
Jehanne : “Aufstehen, Herr Bisschoff! We have an urgent job for you!”
Archbishop : “What is going on!? What’s this turmoil!? Is there an armed band around? Is Burgundy there!? Is there a roundup of Jews again!?”
Jehanne : “No! We have brought with Dauphin Charles for his coronation!”
Archbishop : “Go away! The Dauphin is in Chinon, and by the way, he is a bastard son! Even his mother said so!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Shut, Eminence! Faut pas le dire!”
Jean d’Alençon : “The maid speaks the truth, Monsieur l’Evèque! Dauphin Charles is here with us! He must be crowned in the Cathedral, le plus vite que possible!”
Archbishop : “You mean : today!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Right now, Votre Eminence! Tout de suite!”
Archbishop (annoyed) : “Bien, bien, j’arrive!” (closes the window and addresses his mistress, still naked in bed) “Chérie! Lève-toi! Get dressed! There is a king to be crowned in the cathedral today!”
Archbishop’s mistress : “Here!? In the cathedral!? Today!? Mais c’est impossible!”
Archbishop : “Not possible!? Why!?”
Archbishop’s mistress : “But! I have nothing to wear! And can I still make an appointment with my hairdresser!? And shouldn’t we take a bath, for the occasion!?”
Archbishop : “I shall think about it! After all, I already took a bath, this year! At Easter, as far as I recall!”
Archbishop’s mistress : “And are you going to consecrate the king with that old miter of yours!? I told you already to buy a new one!?”
Archbishop : “Tonnerre! We also need the Sainte Ampoule, and the Golden Needle for the ceremony! Have you seen them, chérie!?”
Archbishop’s mistress : “The Sainte Ampoule is on my dressing table!”
Archbishop : “Here it is! Mais… Zut! Zut! It is empty!”
Archbishop’s mistress : “It is such a good baume to treat my ageing wrinkles, chérie! Can’t you get more of it!?”
Archbishop : “What do we do now!? ! have to anoint a king in the cathedral today! I cannot show up there with an empty Sainte Ampoule!? The Abbot of Saint Remi will excommunicate me!”
Archbishop’s mistress : “Don’t panic! Put a bit of my crème de nuit into it! Will anyone notice??”
(to be continued)
REIMS!
Porte Saint Jacques. In the middle of the night!
Robert de Baudricourt (banging with his fist on the city gate) :“Au nom du Roi! Ouvrez cette porte!”
Jehanne (doing the same) : “Aufmachen! Aufmachen!”
Jean d’Alençon : “Allez, you two! Calmez-vous! We are all tired from that dash from Chinon! It has been hard but we are almost there!”
(a city guard opens a shutter)
Serjeant : “Alors! What is that noise here!? The gate does not open before sunrise! Who are you!?!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Serjeant, I am Robert de Baudricourt, and this is Jean d’Alençon! We are on an important mission!”
Serjeant : “Désolé, Messire, but I have strict orders, not to open the gate before sunrise! There are armed bands hanging around!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “I understand that you have orders, Serjeant, but nevertheless, let me point out to you, that we have a kind of ‘special cargo’ here!”
Serjeant : “Special cargo, Messire!? What do you mean!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “We bring Dauphin Charles, for his coronation in the cathedral!”
Serjeant : “Messire, I have heard many pretexts from people, wanting to enter the city during closing time of the gates, but yours beats them all!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Suppose, I am serious! We come all the way from Chinon. Before, we have liberated Orléans! I assume, you have already heard of that event!?”
Serjeant : “I heard of that event, particularly about a maid that forced the English miraculously to surrender!”
Jehanne (waving her hand) : “Ahoi! That maid, that’s me!”
(the Serjeant considers a bit, then calls one of his men).
Sergeant : “Antoine!?”
Guard : “Oui, Chef!?”
Serjeant : “I remember, you have told me once, that you had seen Dauphin Charles on one occasion!”
Guard : “That’s correct, Chef!”
Serjeant : “Come! And take a torch with you! We have to identify someone!”
(Accompanied by Robert de Baudricourt and Jean d’Alençon, the Serjeant his guard go to the chariot with the Dauphin.)
Robert de Baudricourt “Here he is, Gentlemen!”
Serjeant “Antoine!?”
Guard : “C’est lui, Chef! C’est le Dauphin! Sans doute!”
Serjeant : “Mon Dieu! What a smell! He is really drunk!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Not to mention the times he has vomited underway! But it was the only way to contain him! You see, Serjeant! We did not lie!”
Serjeant : “No, Messire, mais… le règlement! Mes orders!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Serjeant! Do you see that drunk man!? He may be drunk, now, but within twelve hours, he will be the King of France, drunk or not! That may change a lot! I am sure that King Charles VII will be grateful to people who gave a hand in this important operation. I cannot force you to neglect your orders, but imagine what could be in for you!? A promotion, perhaps!? I promise, I will do a word for you, to His Majesty, once he will be installed!”
Serjeant : “Je Vous comprend, Messire!” (reflects a moment) “Antoine! We open the gate for the King! Bring these people to the Archbishop’s palace! On my responsibility!”
****
REIMS
THE ARCHBISHOP’S PALACE
A half dozing Archbishop sticks his head through the window of the first floor, woken up by the rumour in front of his palace!
Jehanne : “Aufstehen, Herr Bisschoff! We have an urgent job for you!”
Archbishop : “What is going on!? What’s this turmoil!? Is there an armed band around? Is Burgundy there!? Is there a roundup of Jews again!?”
Jehanne : “No! We have brought with Dauphin Charles for his coronation!”
Archbishop : “Go away! The Dauphin is in Chinon, and by the way, he is a bastard son! Even his mother said so!”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Shut, Eminence! Faut pas le dire!”
Jean d’Alençon : “The maid speaks the truth, Monsieur l’Evèque! Dauphin Charles is here with us! He must be crowned in the Cathedral, le plus vite que possible!”
Archbishop : “You mean : today!?”
Robert de Baudricourt : “Right now, Votre Eminence! Tout de suite!”
Archbishop (annoyed) : “Bien, bien, j’arrive!” (closes the window and addresses his mistress, still naked in bed) “Chérie! Lève-toi! Get dressed! There is a king to be crowned in the cathedral today!”
Archbishop’s mistress : “Here!? In the cathedral!? Today!? Mais c’est impossible!”
Archbishop : “Not possible!? Why!?”
Archbishop’s mistress : “But! I have nothing to wear! And can I still make an appointment with my hairdresser!? And shouldn’t we take a bath, for the occasion!?”
Archbishop : “I shall think about it! After all, I already took a bath, this year! At Easter, as far as I recall!”
Archbishop’s mistress : “And are you going to consecrate the king with that old miter of yours!? I told you already to buy a new one!?”
Archbishop : “Tonnerre! We also need the Sainte Ampoule, and the Golden Needle for the ceremony! Have you seen them, chérie!?”
Archbishop’s mistress : “The Sainte Ampoule is on my dressing table!”
Archbishop : “Here it is! Mais… Zut! Zut! It is empty!”
Archbishop’s mistress : “It is such a good baume to treat my ageing wrinkles, chérie! Can’t you get more of it!?”
Archbishop : “What do we do now!? ! have to anoint a king in the cathedral today! I cannot show up there with an empty Sainte Ampoule!? The Abbot of Saint Remi will excommunicate me!”
Archbishop’s mistress : “Don’t panic! Put a bit of my crème de nuit into it! Will anyone notice??”
(to be continued)
I hope you got behind your ears, Archbish.
I am just loving this thread, Lox! Mrs Archbish using the holy oil on her wrinkles. Hilarious!
Doragon
Tribune
For centuries this has remained a custom amongst Germans. Nice to know who invented this.
One for the records, so much is certain.
Such a promising king.
His mother should know!
The most important things!
Equally important!
Ah, a fine solution.
Very entertaining!